<p>Bipolar disorder carries an increased risk of suicide. Your daughter sounds depressed, but medication adjustments and good therapy should be able to improve her mood and minimize side effects. From what you are describing, if she were my daughter, I would want her close to home so I could be sure that she is getting good care and the support that she needs to create some stability and satisfaction in her life. Berkeley is not particularly nuturing. School/college can wait. What is something she truly enjoys doing - help her find that again.</p>
<p>Though this very abrieveated in form, this approach has worked for many. </p>
<p>Most of the time we tend to think about what is wrong, it is often productive to figure out how to make things right. Another way of looking at it is, What are the life changes that one needs to make, the absence of which is the problem?</p>
<p>This is one way this can be approached. Perhaps you can ask your daughter the following questions.</p>
<p>Imagine that we have found a way to help and it is now six months after we are successful. You have been liberated from your problems. What would that be like for you? </p>
<p>(Seldom are people asked how things would be if the world was right with them, most time is spent on what is wrong.)</p>
<p>Then ask (and take some notes), suppose a person were to observe you at this time, remember everything is good. They observe all day, what do they see? What do you do in the morning? What do you do at work, in class, at social events and activities, etc. Remind her this is the good life.</p>
<p>Now ask, How does this differ from the current state of affairs? </p>
<p>Now you have some of her goals, versus how she sees her current situation. </p>
<p>Next, ask what is going well now, is there anything? What wouldn't change if things got better?</p>
<p>Okay, now one can begin to ask, What do we have to do to get from where she is now to where she wants to be. One can make a plan that is composed of a series of small steps leading to the goal. Is there something she can do each week to get there. If something doesn't work out, how can one learn from that? These steps may include coming home, going to a smaller school, medication, slowly building up course load etc., all the things that have been suggested, but it is done so in the context of reaching a goal.</p>
<p>Berkmom - Does your daughter have a therapist at school as well as at home? Perhaps she could benefit from seeing someone while at school. It is so important for her to find not just a qualified person, but someone she trusts and connects with. Does she really have that connection with her current therapist? I know for some it takes several tries to find the right "match".
I will continue to think good thoughts for you and your daughter - this is such a hard thing to get a handle on. Good luck with whatever your family decides is best for you.</p>
<p>I'm a psychologist and have worked with a lot of people with bi-polar disorder, both in hospital and in out-patient settings. I have never met a person with BPD who wasn't highly intelligent creative and driven in a perfectionistic way. In my experience, high stress levels make manic episodes more likely.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to hear from you that she is loved just for being herself and that high achievement in school is not a condition for your love and acceptance. If you can help her achieve a less stressful situation of her own choosing, hopefully closer to home until more stability is reached, I personally think it would be advisable.</p>
<p>Meds are much better now than they used to be, but for some people it takes a lot of trial and error to find the right combination of meds and therapy.</p>
<p>I'm not very familiar with life coaching, but one advantage of that kind of approach is that it comes from a wellness rather than an illness model. The person should be known by the referral person and something like this (and/or a support group) should NOT replace regular contact with a highly trained professional.</p>
<p>Suicide is a very real concern with BPD and young people have less impulse control. poorer judgment and less ability to see beyond the present misery to a more positive future (perspective). Helping her do what she needs to do to stay safe is a higher priority, in my opinion, than academic achievement.</p>
<p>This is a cruel illness that affects family members possibly as much as the identified patient. Some kind of support for you is a great idea. Good luck. My heart is with you.</p>
<p>Whatever you might think is best for your daughter it will be very important for her to make her own decisions about school, job, year off, etc. You can open up the ideas but be careful about pushing one solution over another. At this point your daughter sounds more depressed and may give in to your wishes rather than struggle to find her own path. Not all bipolar individuals are geniuses and it will not behoove you to preach this idea to her right now when she feels so worthless and inadequate. There are several autobiographies of bipolar individuals, the most famous of which is Kay Jamison's book about her own struggles with bipolar disorder. Kay's story is the classic one of a highly intelligent woman whose manic episodes were controlled by lithium so the book takes a very strong stance about mediction adherence. Your daughter may or may not see herself in this book so you may want to read it yourself first. If you have not brought her to a major university center clinic specializing in affective disorder, I would encourage you to make an attempt to do so. A consultation from a specialty clinic can be extremely helpful in cementing the diagnosis and getting cutting edge treatment recommendations. I don't know whether such a clinic exists in the Berkeley area but there is one at UCLA. Good luck.</p>
<p>berkmom57</p>
<p>I think that you need to take your child home temporarily. </p>
<p>You can take your child home and work with them for a while along with the Doctor's. Then, you have to all work up a plan to make sure that your child can be self sufficient in a manner becoming a nice lady with potential.</p>
<p>It is not the same thing, but I have a great uncle who is developmentally disabled as well as schrizophrenic. The poor fellow developed the form of schizophrenia he has in his mid fifties. He never ever had the option, when he was younger, to work with his family as well as Doctor's and eventually live alone. Now, he has to live with one of my family members and has basically been like an heirloom, if you will-because when one guardian of his dies, another one takes over.</p>
<p>Please think of taking your child home for a spell. That is the Southern way of saying a gap year or a gap semester. </p>
<p>But, please work with the child well along with the Doctor's. As long as everyone tries their best and is patient, then your child will learn that they can have things very nice one day on their own:)</p>
<p>I wonder, however, why there is no mention of Lithium or something like Lithium? I maybe read something wrong.</p>
<p>I agree with mol10e (post #25) when s/he says your daughter's preferences are important. </p>
<p>I had inferred, perhaps incorrectly, berkmom57, that your daughter wants to come home, when you wrote: "The enigma is, of course, that bringing her home is the easy way out. I'm afraid that it is giving her the message that when life gets tough, you should walk away from it." </p>
<p>If she does want to take a break from Berkeley and come home, I would have her do it, as stated in an earlier post. If the decision is to stay in Berkeley, there are adjunctive services available at UCSF including group medication management and group psychotherapy.</p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>One thing I am confused about. You received an initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Then you mention an unexpected non-life threatening diagnosis. Were you referring to bipolar disorder or is there something else going on at the same time?</p>
<p>Conditions like bipolar disorder typically are not diagnosed, treated, and that is it. The condition is not static; many environmental, internal, physical changes can cause a loss of equilibrium. The first several years can be difficult even for someone who fully accepts the diagnosis and is determined to do everything to fight it. So much of our motivation and determination is affected by moods. Someone whose mood swings in such a wide arc has definite challenges. It takes a while for the person to accept his diagnosis. A major problem with bipolar patients is keeping them on their medication and keeping the medication levels adequate for them to lead "normal" lives. It is not only helpful, but often essential that someone who cares about the person is monitoring the medicine and noting its effectiveness, as it is difficult for anyone with this disorder to be objective about that. As a parent, I would be very nervous about having my kid so far away without someone right there looking after him. Whether your daughter is better off on her own or with you, can be dependent on a lot of factors, but that she needs someone to watch her is a given. And I don't mean checking in with a therapist occaisionally. Unless your daughter is adament about not coming home, or there are unfavorable issues at home, or the therapist has some sensible reasons why she should stay at school, my inclination is to have a heart ot heart with the D, discussing all of the issues, and seeing if she would come home until she has a few years of dealing with her condition and the medications. As I said earlier, it may behoove you to get a counselor/psychiatrist for yourself, so that you can discuss these matters with someone who is an expert on the condition. You may even get him to talk to your D's doctor, if she will permit this, and get some professional insights. Without knowing more of the situation, including how the disorder tends to develop, makes it difficult to come to the best decision for your D.</p>
<p>cyber hugs berkmom,</p>
<p>My youngest brother was a brilliant high school and college student when he fell very ill with undiagnosed bipolar disorder during his college graduation week. His life was forever altered from that day forward--though he returned to some previous peaks, especially during the first ten years of the illness. </p>
<p>He also had those feelings of worthlessness--and incredible anger. He was incredulous when neither my parents nor a team of brilliant doctors could 'cure' him. It took him nearly 18 years to finally accept the gravity and finality of his illness. It took his family nearly as long to accept his diminished capacity. It was very hard to let go of our expectations for him but eventually we were happy to see him happy-- day to day, week to week and,with huge blessings and extraordinary medical care, year to year. A year without a psychotic break, without hospitalization, without debilitating depression, is a year of blessings for our family. In the past ten years, he's had one or two years of fairly happy, stable life. The others have been such hard work. It is a terrible illness.</p>
<p>Even when they are 'well', bi-polar patients do not read social cues well. They struggle with peer relationships, often getting it wrong and creating huge anxiety for themselves. They need unconditional love to surround their relationships and that is hard to find in a college setting. My brother had no same-sex friends in college--or high school for that matter. He simply wasn't accepted even though he was a tall, very good looking, scholar athlete. Opposite sex friends aren't as tuned in to mental health--and girls flocked to his side.</p>
<p>Without knowing the severity of your daughter's illness, I wouldn't know whether a super competitive place like Berkely is an acceptable environment or whether it is likely to trigger further illness or psychotic breaks. I'd err on the side of caution however. If she is unhappy and struggling, I would move her to a smaller school near to home in order to give her the chance to come home for Sunday dinners. Nevermind past thoughts of brilliance, if she can make it through university and get onto a decent career and spouse path, she will be one of the lucky ones.</p>
<p>Besides my brother, I have a dear friend who has a seriously ill bi-polar son who is now 26. He has been ill for about six years, forcibly hospitalized by the police in out-of-state mental hospitals on more than one occasion. </p>
<p>My friend has found my perspective helpful. You might benefit from talking to other parents of bi-polar children--particularily parents who are farther down the track--who have lived through a couple of decades of the illness.</p>
<p>You might also benefit by getting your daughter some cognitive therapy. After 20 years of analysis, cognitive therapy has added a wonderful dimension to my brother's life. Since he cannot understand social cues, his cognitive therapist gives him specific social rules to follow. Those simple rules are part of his new happiness and stability. He has finally found stability and success in a work environment.</p>
<p>Finally, my brother's current psychiatrist is an academic physician, one of the top bi-polar academics in the field. He has been a Godsend. If you have friends in the top level of academic medicine, it is well worth the effort to inquire about the top academic practitioners in your area--though you may have to beg to have your daughter added to their patient list. Stability is so elusive and so dependent on a cocktail of old and new drugs--an extraordinarily brilliant psychiatrist is almost essential.</p>
<p>I was going to say what researchmaven said...what in the world is wrong with average...average is fine,average is good, especially for someone going through so much</p>
<p>The stigma attached to bipolar is difficult enough, but to constantly have to strive to be the best, the smartest, the most accomplished can be exhausting</p>
<p>C's are fine...they are by no means being a failure and we parents need to see that</p>
<p>In your daughter's eyes, I bet she feels she will never reach the level you want or expect for her, regardless of what you say, because of the history of her being so high achieving, and now she is not</p>
<p>If she came home, what would she do? Work? Service work? would that be even worse, seeing mom everyday and feeling she was so disappointed (I am not saying this is how mom feels, but seems like this is how daughter might feel)</p>
<p>If D is striving for average and able to pull it off- with the medication, the traveling, the disconnect with the social stuff at school, the death of a good friend, I think she diserves some credit for hanging in there</p>
<p>As was stated, your words to us here on an anoymous site give us a bit of insight, it must be hard for your daughter knowing that she has failed in mom's eyes</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with average at all, that c was created for a reason...she is passing, she is getting her work done, she is functioning...that is more than can be said for many students at Berkely</p>
<p>I am by no means judging mom, I am just making a suggestion about how D may feel, whether its justified or not</p>
<p>With my Ds, I can make a comment that to me seems like nothing, but to them...it can be, hey, is that face stuff I got you okay?</p>
<p>as the parent of a 22 year old bipolar child who is also brilliant and started out in life as a high achiever i can say that in looking back the issue of letting go of high expectations is huge and something we did not handle w. grace--if my son was still in a good school and getting average grades i would be thrilled.it is a hard lesson to learn that we cannot always fix things for our children.i think many of the previous posters have made some excellent points.it is imperative that you and your daughter find excellent therapists and that your daughter make her own choices--unless of course she is in danger of harming herself.dealing w. bipolar disease and staying in school is a huge accomplishment that she should feel proud of.i'm sure that there are many excellent practioners in berkely and the bay area should she choose to stay.only she can decide which choice is best for her and the best you can do for her is to love and support her and help her to find the best care possible.meds can be a crap shoot but a good doctor can help find what will work best for her i wish you all the best.</p>
<p>cyber hugs to you too, steiny. Don't beat yourself up about the expectations. In the end, humans cannot see much past the length of their own arms. Those expectations are hardwired into us and it takes decades to let them go-- even with the best intentions.</p>
<p>Our youngest D is going to a sophmore in HS in September.She also suffers from acute anxiety and depression.My wife and I plan to try and convince her to stay at home and go a local school when she graduates (at least for first 2 years).
Leaving home is stressful for well adjusted kids for kids with anxiety issues,I think they are better of being in the less stressful situation possible</p>
<p>jpro, Your D is still young now, and much can happen between soph year and when she applies to college. Consequently, while it's wise to think ahead, and while your plans make sense in terms of her current emotional concerns, don't make the mistake of assuming that by the time college comes, she won't be ready to go farther away than you'd consider appropriate now.</p>
<p>I feel for you in a different way, my youngest son is only 11 and he too suffers from the same gut wrenching idea that he is worthless, stupid, retarded, etc. He ISN'T--he get A's and B's in an accelerated private school. He has been saying these kinds of things since he was THREE years old. We held him back from starting school a year, because at the time we thought that might help--maybe just needs more maturing time. He is now on an anti-depressant and it has made his last year in 4th grade tolerable. I held off for two years to do the medicine route--it really seemed scary to me to medicate a young child. Before he cried everyday at school--bringing about a stigma as a cry baby from classmates. This last year, his first on medication has been his best so far. But as a parent I fear the worst for his future--if this is his start will he ever be able to LOVE himself and see what a bright, awesome, attractive kid he really is. (He is gorgeous-very tan, light blonde hair and the most incredible blues eyes) He is seeing a psychiatrist and is making improvement. But I worry about what will happen to him if something tragic happens in his life--as does in all of our lives at some point. He is young enough that it could be his pet cat dying or something like that. My father killed himself, so I of course am always thinking about that--what if.... I just want my son to be happy and know that he is loved and that he can love himself. He wants to be a pilot, but I don't know if that will be a possibility due to the medication. But I never say anything about that to him. Good luck to you--I feel your stress.</p>
<p>CalIvy parent</p>
<p>I feel for you. You do need to stay on alert, but I hope you can enjoy the incredible qualities your sensitive boy exhibits. I think meds were indicated, but you do need to keep an eye out.</p>
<p>Our son is also very sensitive and it is a wonderful quality though it has problems. They fit in better as they get older. You need to make sure he's not being victimized by bullies. Hopefully he can find a peer group of sensitive kids in his school. Again, it usually gets better with time, but if he needs a private school to have a peer group, the money might be better spent now than in college.</p>
<p>Just keep showing him how much you love him and advocate for him anyway you can. These kids could be our best hope for the future, but they need special care because they're a bit fragile.</p>
<p>CalIvy, I think that you are very tuned in and understand your child and his needs. I am just curious about whether you have friends, or family that tell you that your kid needs to toughen up, get a thicker skin, etc.? I just ask because I have a relative with kids that lack good social skills and if his child punches another, I have heard him say that the other child needs to toughen up, punch back, get a thicker skin etc.. I would handle it much differently, but that is another story.</p>
<p>You and your daughter will work out an arrangement, and if it works, fine. If not, you can try something else.<br>
As an aside, a friend of ours has a D who is anorexic. A very bright girl, excellent student. She battled the condition throughout highschool with several relapses. When it came time for college she was accepted to a number of top schools. Her first choices were not within commuting distance. It was a tense situation, when the parents decided that she just was not ready to go away to school. After many session with her psychiatrist, group discussione, etc, the young lady reluctantly stayed home. Where she continued to have eating disorders for several more years. Now at the age of 25, she seems to have the problem under control. She knows she can easily fall into the disorder pit, and consciously and concientiously works to avoid relapse. Every meal, she automatically counts calories , and has to force herself to eat a certain amount. She cannot skip meals. There is a whole regiment she has to follow because she is still at risk, may be for the rest of her life. Today she is grateful that her parents insisted she stayed at home, despite her unhappiness this caused then. Sh admits that she was no where near ready to be away at the point of her fight with anorexia. She is now in a top graduate school a few hours from home, and is doing well. I relate this story, because there are a number of conditions that may take time to control.</p>
<p>bethievt--yes, we did put him in the private school for that exact reason--bullying is not acceptable. He wasn't teased a great deal, but he was not able to make any friends--he was basically rejected because he cried so much. Some of the kids would mention it to him. But any teasing was instantly addressed by the staff. He is changing schools this year in hopes that he will get a fresh start--this was his decision. We are all crossing our fingers that this will be a new leaf for him. With his decision to change and his medication assisting him I am praying for him make new friends.</p>
<p>NEMom--his dad says stuff like that, but just to me not to our son. Daddy has allowed me to pretty much guide this child. Daddy doesn't understand it at all and gets easily frustrated. He adores his son, but can't understand why he can't just get over things, toughen up, or quit crying. This puts me in a position of constantly buffering between the two. It's a huge task. If anyone has said stuff like this to my son directly, I am not aware of it.</p>