<p>"He adores his son, but can't understand why he can't just get over things, toughen up, or quit crying. This puts me in a position of constantly buffering between the two. It's a huge task."</p>
<p>CalIvy, It does not surprise me. Glad to hear that you only need to hear this from your husband, which is tough enough.</p>
<p>CalIvy</p>
<p>A fresh start sounds like a good idea, especially since it was on his initiative and something has changed for him (meds). Can you help him build on his special interests and talents? Everyone has some; doesn't matter what they are, but sometimes the extra-curriculars can really engage a kid, either by himself or in a group and increase self-confidence.</p>
<p>CalIvy I hope that your son is also receiving psychotherapy that will help him address the thoughts about himself and his situation that appears to be at the root of his distress. while medications can be helpful in reducing the level of emotional distress, they do little to change the ways of thinking that depressed kids often exhibit, thinking styles which make them vulnerable to feelings of sadness, worthlessness, etc. A child psychologist who has experience with cognitive therapy models for depression in childhood could be a big help in getting him to change those patterns of thinking and relating which worry you.</p>
<p>Taking her out of school is nuts. Don't do it. The advice to transfer is really poor. She's got a bipolar diagnosis. Schools aren't going to touch her with a 10 foot pole--nobody wants the liability.</p>
<p>Give her as much support as she needs to stay put and finish her degree. Her psychologist is a professional; I would listen to her or him and trust that your daughter is more capable than you seem to think she is. No wonder she feels like a failure--you are sending her messages that she can't make it through this without you taking over and managing her life for her.</p>
<p>For the OP: I have a very similar history to your daughter's. So much you have written rings true for me when I was in college and suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I had top grades in high school, ended up at one of the best universities in the nation etc. Starting in my late childhood years, I suffered nonsensical mood swings, eating disorders, cutting, and so forth, but my parents also excused the behavior as teen angst and didnt bring me to a therapist until I was 17. Unfortunately, that didnt leave enough time for intense therapy and psychiatric treatment before leaving for college, but I decided to try to stick it out and finish up treatment while in school. What a mistake it was to try to deal with the problem nearly a thousand or so miles away from home, without family and friends for emotional support. Not to mention the intense course load that I had to grapple with! Anyway, all the stresses culminated and I fell completely apart, winding up with a hospitalization. </p>
<p>After that, I consulted with my doctors, parents, and school administrators and decided to take a medical leave from college and resume my studies when I was ready. It was one of the smartest decisions I ever made. I was able to finally to take care of myself in the way I needed. The bipolar disorder had also leached all passion and happiness and drive from my life and the time off helped me to begin finding those things again. However, the key to all of this is <em>I</em> was the one who made the decision to take time off of school. If my parents had forced me out, that would have undermined my confidence, yes, and so I would leave the decision up to your daughter as well. Discuss the possibility with her though, stressing all the while that taking time off school to relax and receive treatment does <em>not</em> mean shes a failure. I know a number of other extremely intelligent students who attended top first tier schools who took time off from school for depression as well. (As a final note, I created a new account in order to maintain some of my privacy when writing in this thread, but I promise that my story isnt fabricated.)</p>
<p>It is a mystery to me why some of these angels have to suffer from these kinds of problems, there is an unfairness that makes it hard to deal with. OP I hope your D can come through this, whatever decision you and she make and with whatever outcome may result, knowing that she is loved unconditionally by her parents and that evey choice that is made, was made with her best interest as the top priority.</p>
<p>We did two things this summer that are showing wonderful results:</p>
<p>At the time it was uncomfortable for me, but we pushed my son to do Junior Life Guards. It is an intense try out, but he made it in...he is an excellent swimmer (although he says he is terrible and slow!). The program pushed him harder than I ever would have. Some kids drop out--he made it through with flying colors. Now he wears his Life Guard shorts everywhere. When we go to the beach the big life guards give him high fives and let him do things other people can't. He is so proud of that. It the first time I have seen him be proud of himself!</p>
<p>Secondly I put him in the summer camp at the new school these last few weeks. In all his prior years in school and preschool I never heard him say, "my friend so in so". After just a few days he already bonded with several boys and says, "my friend Jack shared his pizza with me" and " my friends and I went in the wave pool". WOW--maybe this school change will really make a difference. He visited the school one day last year and wanted to change schools that same day! But he completed his 4th grade year at the old school. I just hope he doesn't start crying in class due to a different method of teaching--could be stressful. But it's worth trying--his child psychologist si in favor of the change too.</p>
<p>Please say a prayer or think a thought or whatever you do for him. He is so great and I want him to be happy and successful. He deserves it!</p>
<p>Berkmom, I agree with those posters who suggest that your daughter move close to home and try to heal with close family and friends' support. A close friend of mine is also dealing with her 30 year old who recently has been diagnosed with bi-polar. This is what she has done.</p>
<p>She moved her son back home and sought a medical power of attorney from her son so she can communicate with his therapists.</p>
<p>She found a good psychiatrist and therapy team with whom she communicated frequently. This is important as his medical team needs feedback on how he was responding to his medication. Adjustments are done based on these communications.</p>
<p>Non-compliance to take medication is often the number 1 hurdle to overcome. She puts out medication for him everyday and makes sure they are taken. If you see that your daughter has lapses, perhaps she wasn't taking her medications.</p>
<p>If she is close to home, you can make sure she rests on a daily basis and not "cycling".</p>
<p>I strongly feel her well-being is your top priority and eveyrthing else can wait.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>It troubles me that so many posters seem to view this situation as simply requiring a decision of the parents. The student, however, is 19 and IMO her views and wishes will be critical in the success of any course of action. IMO, part of regaining self-respect is people treating one with respect.</p>
<p>What does your daughter want to do? How does she think about her situation and her options?</p>
<p>If she wants to stay in school, I would hesitate to bring her home against her wishes and against the advice of her psychologist.</p>
<p>I question the idea of praising her for what can reasonably be perceived by her as minor achievements.</p>
<p>As mentioned above, I, too, think that volunteering has a lot to offer. She can quickly learn that others think highly of her and value her contributions.</p>
<p>Would your daughter be willing to consider volunteering in an area in which she can have a lot of contact with people--say, in tutoring younger people?</p>
<p>If she were to undertake volunteering, IMO her views on whether volunteering should be full-time or part-time should be given considerable deference.</p>
<p>If you can help her achieve a less stressful situation of her own choosing, hopefully closer to home until more stability is reached, I personally think it would be advisable.</p>
<p>The above was what I said in my initial post, not that decisions should be made unilaterally. It's always better with teenagers and young adults if they can be involved in decision-making. But this is a potentially life-threatening illness and the illness itself can affect judgment in disastrous ways, even with people who are highly intelligent and were very sensible pre-illness. Some people get rapid results from their first try on meds and may stay in good control for years. For most people, though, it is trickier and can take months or years of trial and error under supportive conditions to achieve stability.</p>
<p>Making sure this dear person stays alive is more important, imo, than an unbroken college schedule. And I have known people with bipolar disorder who have gone on to finish college, gone to graduate school, or have otherwise led very successful and fulfilling lives. But they need to achieve stability first and lowering stress levels can help with that.</p>
<p>I would be interested to know why the psychiatrist recommends a continuation of the current situation. He or she certainly knows more about the total situation than we possibly can.</p>
<p>ADad, with respect, if you are troubled then you simply do not understand the gravity of the illness. You have not seen a psychotic bi-polar teenager hauled off in a starit jacket by EMT staff. A 19 year old bi-polar patient is not the equivalent of a healthy 19 year old. Overly grandiose plans and actions that do not match ability are part of the illness, part of the malfunction of a bi-polar brain. These patients need more loving parental care and supervision than healthy kids. </p>
<p>CalIvy, I agree, the illness is unfair. FWIW, my father spent the first two decades of my brother's illness in a stew of fury. My brother's weakness was a poor reflection on his manliness and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. My father couldn't cope with the overwhelming sadness of the situation but he stayed close to my borther, stayed close to the family (many men do not, cannot). Eventually, my father softened his views and broadened his acceptance. He is now my brother's best, most patient advisor. </p>
<p>The transformation has been remarkable.</p>
<p>The National Alliance for Mentally Ill (<a href="http://www.nami.org%5B/url%5D">www.nami.org</a>) is a tremendous resource both for patients and for the families of patients. They run support groups, etc. - you might want to contact them for advice and support. I can't imagine that they don't deal with this question all the time as young adulthood is often when illnesses strike. I think it's important to remember that college is a terrible time for a young person to receive any kind of diagnosis of a chronic illness -- whether it is physical or mental (we had to deal with physical). It is an entirely new set of skills to deal with the medical establishment, pharmacies, insurance, medication routines, tests, or endless visits -- and compliance is an issue with this age group and, in particular, with this diagnosis. Add to that the fact that many students (common at UCB) don't have cars to get to doctors, etc. For the person struggling with bipolar, it is difficult to develop all these new skills. In addition, the stress of college, the all-nighters, the lifestyle of living in a dorm or in an apartment with others, etc. can make things more difficult. With all due respect to UCB as the excellent academic institution that it is; it is not famous for the personal care that it provides for students. It may not be the ideal environment for a student with newly diagnosed bipolar disorder. Is there a UC near where you live where she could attend school while perhaps living at home? Transferring between UCs (for a medical reason) might be more feasible than transferring to a private college but I really don't know. Is it possible to take a leave of absence from UCB and then reevaluate? Perhaps she would go back if she gets stabilized or perhaps make a more informed decision when she is feeling better. I do feel for you -- this is very tough.</p>
<p>Every single time I have ignored my maternal instinct in favor of following the advice of the 'experts' or because I was concerned about what other parents would think of me, I have intensely regretted it. YOU are her mom. Besides your daughter herself, YOU are the only other best person to decide what is best for your daughter. Don't ignore your maternal promptings. Follow them and give your daughter a chance to heal. School will still be there when she's had some time to recover. Her emotional needs are more important than school right now. Follow your instincts.</p>
<p>Berkmom57, my deepest sympathy to you. It's hard enough as a parent to know if one is doing the right thing, and so much harder when one's child is dealing with a chronic illness.
I'm not a therapist - and if her psychiatrist recommends that she stay in school, there's probably a good reason for it - but my instincts as a mother would be to have her take a leave of absence from school, come home for a quarter or two, and get a paying job somewhere while receiving treatment to stabilize her illness (and while being monitored for self-destructive behavior by Mom and Dad). College life is not only stressful, it's unstructured. I'm convinced from my experience with members of my family that the structure of a daily schedule is important for those struggling with mental illness, not to mention that there's nothing like receiving a paycheck for a job well done to make a kid feel positive about herself. (And it's a nice reality check for a college student to work in an entry-level job - there's the "Aha!" moment when they realize "Oh, so THAT'S why I'm going to college - so I don't have to do this for the rest of my life...")
No matter how much you praise her accomplishments, it's important for your daughter to learn ON HER OWN that she is a capable and intelligent person who is not defined by her illness. That's something that neither you nor her doctors can do for her, and it's the biggest hurdle she must face.
Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Berkmom, glad you are picking up on the idea to see a counselor yourself. This is hard on you too as you are grieving for the way your daughter used to be. My brother went through a serious trauma in college and it affects the whole family. Getting professional help for you and other family members is wise. Make sure you relate well to the therapist too. If the therapist is not picking up on your problems, try another one. There's a wide variety out there.</p>
<p>As a mental health professional, I agree with the posters who feel that attending school closer to home or even taking time off is in order right now. But, first you must make sure that you, as parents, will not in any way communicate to your daughter that she has dissappointed you or that she has failed in some way. She needs to know that giving herself additional support or time to heal is just a different but vitally important path toward becoming who she will be. Your unconditional support and approval will make this step much easier for her...as a parent, that may mean postponing or even relinquishing a previous vision of her, but your attitude will be key to her own acceptance of herself and her willingness to change her course. Best of luck to you and to her.</p>
<p>So much good advice here. I agree that the daughter ultimately has to make the decision. She is legally an adult, and unless deemed through proper channels to be unable to make such decisions, she can. I also don't believe that a heavy handed approach to "force" her to come home is appropriate (such as withdrawing financial help). But most parents and children do have some communication between them, and Berkmom can help persuade her D to come closer to home. It is a delicate situation, and I firmly believe that Berkmom should get her own psychiatrist to help guide her through this situation. As a mom who is getting counseling right now to deal with some issues involving her children, I can tell you that it really helps.</p>
<p>An article on going away to college and mental illness:</p>
<p>CTTC,
Very good article. Thank you for linking.</p>
<p>I was surprised to find out the number of families/kids from our high school admitting that their students were getting counseling. I have no doubt there are a number more. You can also be sure that the counseling was not an activity listed on the college apps.<br>
So what happens when all of the kids end up going to college? Too many parents just assume that the mental health center on campus will take care of situation, and just hope for the best. What a pain to get a therapist off campus, and even if you do, kids are not likely to visit during the first several months of college when the aura of being a college student and orientation activities are on their minds. They are also busy getting to know the campus, adjusting to their workload, making friends, etc. It is later in the year or in subsequent years after the parent has let out his breath that a crisis occurs. Too often the campus mental health resources are inadequate, particularly if they meet the kid for the first time in the middle of a crisis.<br>
Sometimes kids do "outgrow" the need for therapy. That's wonderful. But if they continue to need it or need it more, there is a problem. College brings all sort of new issues, stressful to anyone. Also there is a plethora of substance abuse that few kids can avoid. Not just alcohol and the traditional college drugs, but a bag full of misused prescription medications and over the counter products, too often mixed and matched in dangerous combos.<br>
If your student is seeing a therapist in highschool, it is wise to make a visit to the college, and find a local therapist at that time, and arrange for a phone conference between the two therapists, so that a support line is available. It may be wise to schedule the first meeting during college a month or two after school starts.<br>
There are a few reasons for recommending this approach. Though colleges are beefing up their mental health resources, some are also taking an aggressive tack with kids that have problems, by sending them home or taking other action that may not be favorable to the student. Though the confidentiallity issue is supposed to be secure, it does not always work that way. There just may be things a student does not want to tell a school therapist that he is more likely to reveal to an independent therapist.
Ideally the independent therapist would work together with the school mental health resources if the need arises.<br>
The other reason for this sort of arrangement is that mental illnesses have a tendency to pop up during these exact years kids are doing their undergraduate studies. The neuroses and adult adjustment disorders just may turn into full blown mood disorder or psychosis, with stress, drugs, and just the age of the kid all catalysts. Though for some kids, it may be a complete surprise that they have these issues, I suspect that for a number of them, their was some indication earlier.</p>
<p>cpt.,
your post hits the mark. Our youngest was always a perfectionist, was quick to find fault (in himself and others), pushed himself physically and academically--but seemed to handle these stress inducing characteristics in high school. When he hit college--it hit the fan. His goals there were really unrealistic, was vastly negative about himself and others, and wore himself out physically and emotionally obsessing about everything. In short, college was his first experience with counseling and I'm glad he recognized the need/benefit of seeking it.</p>