<p>Why would you “wish for an Ivy” for your daughter, as opposed to “wish for her to get into an excellent school that offers an excellent education and plenty of opportunities, of which the Ivies happen to be 8 of them”?</p>
<p>This thread should have been titled “Guiding your child through the college application process–you’re doing it wrong.” I can’t even understand what motivated the OP to ask whether her kid should attend a terrific school that’s a perfect fit for her or choose one she doesn’t like. My answer would have been the same even if the non-HYP option hadn’t been in the vaunted top 20. I hope the responses here have ended the discussion for the OP’s family.</p>
<p>It’s fascinating that the parents in OP both attended an Ivy, and had a miserable time, yet that is precisely what they want their child to do, despite her stated preference for another school.
At what point are adult children able to live their own lives?</p>
<p>Wait, she chose a school that:</p>
<ul>
<li>She likes the environment better after visiting.</li>
<li>Is excellent for her intended major.</li>
<li>Is in the top 20 of prestige rankings.</li>
<li>Apparently costs less.</li>
</ul>
<p>and you are concerned about her choice?</p>
<p>Joining the chorus–sounds like your daughter made a reasoned decision based on what she believes will work for her. Why not just support her decision and be done with it?</p>
<p>Ugh, people, pour out the Ivy Kool-Aid! If your only reason for applying to or attending an Ivy is “because it’s an Ivy,” then that alone should tell you not to do it. I swear, sometimes I think this is the modern equivalent of a young woman vying to marry a wealthy man. Wealth and prestige aren’t everything. Sometimes, they’re nothing.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If she is a people-pleaser at heart, your inability to accept her judgement and desires must be hurting her. You told her your opinion–and she has her own opinion. Please, please respect that.</p>
<p>From your own description, she chose the right college. None of the reasons you give for her to change her mind are good reasons to force her to change her choice. As a matter of fact, overriding her considered judgement would do much more harm than good.</p>
<p>I don’t think we need to be hard on mom for having a difficult time dismissing an Ivy. They are good schools and name recognition doesn’t exactly hurt when you are job hunting. Do I think they deserve all the fuss they get? No. However, if in the same position, I can’t say it wouldn’t tug at me to give it “one more look.”</p>
<p>The fact that both parents went to Ivy League schools and were unhappy would actually contribute MORE to the uncertainty. Good parents worry about whether they’ve influenced a child unfairly. We want our children to avoid our mistakes but we also don’t want to limit them to what worked for ourselves. We can’t assume what was right or wrong for us will be the same for our children. </p>
<p>OP, like I said before… It sounds like your daughter has made a really good choice for herself that I would support. I just wanted to add that I certainly can understand your need to express reservations and worry. Keep in mind that this is a really GOOD problem and I suspect you’ll feel a lot more comfortable with the decision is over and you can all focus on decided future.</p>
<p>What I keep coming back to is that this isn’t a choice between a great school and Nowhere U, lost somewhere in the bottom 300. Both are Top 20. She’s got her major covered- and likely some great choices for a back-up, if that major doesn’t stick. One feels like a fit, to her. Her friends are already probably very impressed the Ivy wants her. That can be enough. Give her the gift of keeping all uncertainties to yourself. This is a turning point and it will help her to know you endorse her choice. Today and tomorrow. That really is a gift we give them.</p>
<p>There’s a big difference between asking your kid to apply to an Ivy, and badgering them to attend one. I made my son apply to Harvard, because I thought he had a better than average chance of getting in, better than he would at MIT or Stanford which he thought were his preferences, and I thought it was better than his safeties if he had no other choices, but I left the decision as to where to go up to him. If finances had been an issue, I might have brought that up, but in this case the Ivy is not the best financial deal either. It’s hard enough for a kid to turn down what appears to be the most prestigious choice without the parent making it more difficult. I was very proud of both my kids for making the decisions to go to what they thought was the best fit for them without going for the bigger name. That’s not easy for an 18 year old and is, IMO, a sign of maturity.</p>
<p>Thank you SO much for your responses. Other than being beaten up once or twice about being hung up on the ivy (and as I said, we have a lot of parental baggage precisely because our experience was not great and we felt we failed b/c we should have LOVEd having such an amazing opportunity), this was all just incredibly helpful and EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I watched my daughter getting ready for school this morning, and she was calmer and happier than she has been in weeks. She told me she had no second thoughts about her decision. I am so proud of her for being able to make a tough choice – and for having such a great set of options in the first place. Your comments, thoughts, and encouragement on this message board have helped me tremendously to trust my gut. The grandparents and extended family put a lot of pressure about the ivy, and that’s kind of weighing on this. These comments reinforce what I knew was the right thing to do – let it be HER choice. She is not living someone else’s (her parents’, her grandparents’, etc.) life. She’ll be living her life on her terms, and it’s an amazing school. The running program at school she chose is top-notch, great coach with an illustrious track record – the running is important to her, but the academics were, too, and this school offers the strength in her major and the exact major she was seeking. Thanks again for posting your thoughts!!</p>
<p>Glad you are feeling better about her decision. Last year when my D was deciding between 2 schools, one of her teachers told her that she was always smiling when talking about one, and that is the one she ended up at, and is very happy. I did not encourage her to apply to any Ivy’s because I was afraid she would feel she had to attend if she got in. Marsian’s pro/con list in post #10 really says it all.</p>
<p>I’m so happy for you and your daughter! My son did apply for an Ivy for various reasons and was not accepted and I think relieved he wasn’t because he really wanted to go where he ultimately ended up. He made the statement “well if I’m accepted at Ivy, I’d have to go”. Even though he would not have had to, it eased the pressure.</p>
<p>Good luck to you both!</p>
<p>Great to hear! I’m glad she is so happy.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The “name recognition” of the Ivies is still centered in the Northeast. And the mistake made on CC time and time again is the assumption that “the colleges that are prestigious in my neck of the woods are nationally prestigious.” Sorry, in most parts of the countries the Ivies do not have some kind of uniform luster that outshines other schools. Only in the Northeast. Which is not a dig at the Ivies at all! They are all wonderful schools and I would have been proud to have had my kid go to any of them if so inclined! But this assumption – that everywhere in the country, the pecking order is Ivies >>>>> any other school is just odd, weird, na</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Part of your parental job is to protect her from this kind of nonsense. This isn’t the 1950’s any more. If the gparents / family can’t muster up “We’re so delighted for you! Have fun!” then they need to bug out til they can.</p>
<p>pizzagirl… I’m in on the west coast… believe me, everyone knows HYP and they still have plenty of luster and are nationally prestigious lol. Sure, on my side of the country there are those that couldn’t list all 8 and many would put Stanford on the list but Harvard, Yale, Princeton? Can’t really pretend those schools are nobody’s outside of the Northeast.</p>
<p>When Jonri posted this, it was SO true! I’d be questioning EVEN MORE that she was going for all the wrong reasons. Thank you for that post!</p>
<p>“If your D had selected the HYP school, you’d be second guessing that choice right now.
You let her choose and this is her choice. Celebrate!”</p>
<p>Also, she is being protected from the extended family’s opinions for now…but it’ll trickle down eventually. But I am seeing how confident she is about her decision and doubt it will faze her. But it makes us question things. That is why this site is so helpful.</p>
<p>I didn’t say they were nobodies outside of the Northeast. Sigh.</p>
<p>What I hear pizza girl saying is that even though bears roam the streets and we don’t iron, we are hardly rubes who think that the Ivy League schools are the only ones worth attending if you can’t be admitted to your state flagship.</p>