<p>I think you have a lot of things that are not going great (health, grades, social life) and maybe you don’t know which one to tackle first. I would say to focus on your health (mental and physical). Get counseling; get healthy.</p>
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<p>Quoted for truth. This was a great post, chaosakita; it would really help you, I think, to stop and consider to what extent your larger-than-life personality contributes to these issues. I also agree that argbargy’s post was meant to be helpful and did have some useful suggestions.</p>
<p>I answered a similar post in the College Life forum a few days ago - a student was asking if their socialization would greatly improve in college because of the environment. The unanimous answer was NO! If you’re not sociable in high-school, college won’t magically fix it.</p>
<p>I was introverted in college but I loved to play tennis and hang out in the computer lab. I found others that played tennis too and others that liked to hang out in the computer lab. You chat about various things related to your interests and pretty soon you have friends. My best friends, outside of family, are those related to work and tennis.</p>
<p>Those are just a few examples. When people make suggestions to join clubs, find a people-facing job, volunteer, play sports, the idea is that you spend time with other people and find common interests and this can lead to friendships.</p>
<p>I agree with Steve’s post style because I thought she was the same girl too and went back and checked. Not because I want to rough you up, but because I think your illness is part of the same picture- your issues are stress induced. </p>
<p>Look- you can be pointed in the right direction but if you dont start walking you will never get to your goal. And if you are running well and smoothly but pointed in the wrong direction you are going to get where you want either. Posters “supportive” and “affirming” to you wont change those two facts. </p>
<p>You need to form a plan based on advice you receive and then take Action. </p>
<p>Make sure your plan is specific and measurable- thats why I suggest a workout schedule you stick to 100%. And I think just joining An Organization or Going To Counseling are too vague to pin all your hopes on. You could have a crappy counselor and be right back where you are in four months. You need something measurable. </p>
<p>My guess is you engage in a lot of crisis thinking and that causes you non-productive stress. Getting in front of people with real problems will help retrain your brain to what really troubles are in a way that answering phones for some college organization wont.
There are soup kitchens that need help and elderly who have no one to talk to all day, and you could really help them.</p>
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<p>Can you expound a little bit about what makes you suspect that you “come on strong”? What signals do you get (or think you get) from other people which makes you suspect that this is the issue? This may help diagnose things a bit.</p>
<p>I want to add that good social skills can be learned. Instead of “why don’t they like me?/I don’t really like them,” sometimes you have to reframe: “Do I show that I like them?” </p>
<p>I love edgy, love great wit, even sarcasm- but there is a time and place for it. Sometimes, the edginess truly is an indulgence and carries social risks. A filter is important, knowing when to give what “they” need, to adapt. And save the large personality for the right moments, the people who thrive on that sort of exchange. They will come. It just can take time to find them.</p>
<p>How unusual to find myself agreeing with argy. But, there is a good and important point in there.</p>
<p>If you don’t know why you turn people off, you could ask them. I assume that you have a dorm-mate or other people that you see on a regular basis. Just ask - some will decline but you might find a few that will tell you. Just be sure that you can handle the answer.</p>
<p>“How unusual to find myself agreeing with argy”</p>
<p>Its a Christmas miracle.</p>
<p>[see, thats the kind of edgy sarcasm to avoid]</p>
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<p>Or, put another way - focus on finding out about them, instead of worrying about how much they like you at the moment. It seems to me that the people who have trouble getting along / finding friends often are so preoccupied with “do they like me” that they bring the conversation around to themselves, looking for certain reactions, rather than focusing on genuinely understanding and learning about the other person.</p>
<p>chaos, why not go to individual counseling rather than waiting for a group session to fit your schedule? You’ve posted on here a lot and seem to have a lot of anxiety. I agree with your assessment that this doesn’t merit a transfer and that it’s not the college’s fault. You really need to explore the reason for your anxiety.</p>
<p>My observation is that many teen issues can be improved with EXERCISE… even if that is the last thing they feel like doing.</p>
<p>In OP’s case there could be some social benefits too. Maybe try rec league basketball or soccer? A game of racquetball or tennis? Or even just running at the indoor track, to be around active people.</p>
<p>I remember following some of your posts in the Spring (have a HS Senior who recently applied to Vanderbilt and back then was learning about the school).</p>
<p>If I’m not mistaken:
- Your grades in HS were relatively low compared to your test scores. It seems like you may not have had great study skills in HS. IMO, you can get away with that in HS but not at a competitive University.</p>
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<li>I think your parents thought you needed counseling in HS. Maybe they were right. not to be critical but sometimes a crisis is needed to gain the right perspective.</li>
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<p>If you didn’t get the counseling that your parents recommended, you should start there. Also, I would keep a diary for a week to see where you spend our time. Do you go home a lot? have a job that takes a lot of time? Smeone posted earlier and I agree - if you don’t have many friends and you aren’t studying enough, what are you doing?</p>
<p>My thought was that one of the benefits of the Commons was that it would foster relationships because of the structure.</p>
<p>My observation is that many teen issues can be improved with EXERCISE… even if that is the last thing they feel like doing.</p>
<p>Such a good idea. My youngest finds that exercise not only helps her relieve stress & focus better for her studies, it gives her more energy as well. She also has met a few other people who are also interested in running, although they aren’t as into it as she is.
She gave me Chrissie Wellingtons memoir to read, and I can see my D writing something very similar in 15 or 20 years, especially regarding the part about not really being a talented athlete in k-12.
[First</a> Read: Chrissie Wellingtons A Life Without Limits : LAVA Magazine](<a href=“SITUS AGEN SBOBET | DAFTAR SBOBET TERPERCAYA | JUDI BOLA”>SITUS AGEN SBOBET | DAFTAR SBOBET TERPERCAYA | JUDI BOLA)</p>
<p>Op has posted similar threads recently, but we havent really heard about if any of that advice was taken.</p>
<p>My kids are first gen college- they didn’t expect college to supply them with a social life. In our family, why you go to college, might boil down to learning how you can best make yourself useful in the world.
If you are useful, you dont have time to be lonely.
:)</p>
<p>IMO, the key to success, whether academically or socially, is discovering within yourself the interest/activity that creates a spark. From that, you begin to develop passion and a sense of purpose. It doesn’t sound like you are particularly jazzed up by anything right now, but this is okay. You may be someone who needs time to take everything in and to figure out what works for you. Keep reaching out for new experiences; it may not happen on your timetable, but I will bet something will resonate with you.</p>
<p>When you say academics were an issue, do you know what your grades are for the semester? Or was it more an issue of not liking the classes?</p>
<p>I’d also like to know more about the behaviors that you are describing when you refer to yourself as “coming on too strong,” chaosakita. But, more than that, I wonder what inspires you. What kinds of activities, books, movies? Does your friend who went to the school with you have any ideas to share? I tend to agree with argbargy that forcing friendship is not the ticket. But I don’t agree with retreating to online communities. I guess I’d say to do the things that make you happy. What are those things?</p>
<p>I would also second those who suggest counseling. You will do better with counseling if you remain very open and try very hard not to be defensive (which may be difficult).</p>
<p>regardless of the behaviors exhibited, they cannot/will not be changed overnight. And I for one, would submit that a southern school is not a good fit for someone who comes on “strong”. Ditto sorority rush – it’s bound to end up not well.</p>
<p>While individual counseling must be first and foremost, I would seriously consider a transfer to an urban school in the NE, where “strong” personalties and individuality are embraced. NYU, for example, has all kinds of folks, of all persuasions, and you are more likely to meet ‘your kind of peeps’ at such a school than at a southern school like Vandy. (just my opinion).</p>
<p>In retrospect, one of the best things my own kid ever did was email good friends a year or two ahead of her in high school the first few months they were in college. Almost everyone is lonely for at least a good part of first semester. LOTS of students feel as if “everyone else” has good friends after the first month and they just don’t. LOTS of students don’t do as well academically as they expected. LOTS of students are disappointed when they don’t get the classes they want. During the first few lonely months, my D was a sounding board for friends who ate lunch alone “again,” got drunk and made asses of themselves…and really regretted it, were romantically interested in people who brushed them off, etc. </p>
<p>As a result, she went off to college with much more realistic expectations. There were things that didn’t go well. One was that she got a less than compatible roommate. She made the best of it. </p>
<p>I’m somewhat reluctant about your decision to rush. That’s partly because I’m not a fan of Greek life. It’s also because I’m a bit uneasy about how you’ll deal with rejection. If you don’t get any bids or only get bids from houses you aren’t interested in, how will you react? My best friend rushed, but didn’t make it. However, by the end, she’d decided sorority life wasn’t for her. She still enjoyed the process and ended up making one of her closest friends in college–someone else who went through rush, didn’t get picked, and was actually pretty relieved she didn’t. So, if you view rush as a chance to meet new people, that would be great. If you view it as “if I get into a sorority it will solve my social problems and if I don’t, I’ll be miserable for the next 3.5 years” it may hurt. </p>
<p>If you want to make friends, one way is to show an interest in what others do. If someone has the 2 am slot on campus radio, listen. If someone is on the JV field hockey team, go to the game. If someone is singing in a glee club performance, go. Give out at least one sincere compliment a day --“Those shoes are really cute” --even if it feels a bit phony at first. </p>
<p>Join some study groups. It will help your grades and may lead to friendship too. </p>
<p>It also helps to go early—to class, to social events, to performances. It’s much easier to meet people at a party at the beginning, when there are fewer people there, then once it’s in full swing. If you go early to class, it isn’t weird to start up a conversation with someone else who got there early too. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
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<p>1) Isn’t chaosakita FROM the general area? It’s not as though she’s a transplant from elsewhere and the south is new to her.
2) Are you familiar with Vandy? It has a national student body. Its student body is largely indistiguishable from many of the northeastern universities. This isn’t the southern-belle Vanderbilt of the 1970’s and 1980’s, at all.</p>
<p>^^
- So what? (Plenty of people grow up in “A” but are a much better fit for “B”.)</p>
<p>2) Yup. But the Vandy of 2013 is still not the same as northern schools (who themselves are not the same as they were in “the 1970’s and 1980’s”).</p>
<p>The OP does not come across as a Greek-type to me, and at Vandy, even in 2013, Greek “plays a big role in social life” (USNews). (And that is Southern Greek, btw. The last Vandy football game that I saw showed some girls in the stands wearing pearls…)</p>