<p>Lots of good advice here- and it boils down to: you have the power.<br>
You have to make a decision to use it.<br>
Glass half full or half empty? Easy for us to say, but do you also see that some of us are saying we went through this or our kids did or we know plenty of others who did? It’s a matter of taking yourself in hand, getting active in some meaningful way, and continuing to explore for activities or places where you will find your niche or comfort zone. </p>
<p>Though the NE is the ages-old example of a region where edge works, there are plenty of people up here who don’t “get it.” Many times, either the wit goes over their heads or they interpret it as off. Or- and this is important- it’s not what “they” need at the moment, not the friendly, supportive, comfortable response they expect. Even in the NE, it is always important to enter an interaction with the edge stashed safely in our back pockets. Only used when we see signals the other can take it. A-yup. Definitely wise in the South.</p>
<p>A big part of growing up is growing aware. Aware that it’s not all about “me,” if what we want is connections. Good luck.</p>
<p>* I know you mean well, but it just sounds like a distraction from the real problem.*
Which is what?
Your school of 6500 is too large?
You want smaller classrooms even your profs are amazing & engaging?
You don’t like the " weird/ nerdy" people, that you admit you are most like?</p>
<p>Is it possible you don’t like yourself very much and that is making you seem even more unlikeable?</p>
<p>You got to be the center of attention in high school for your intellect, but now you are at a school that is full of other smart kids- some even smarter than you! Don’t feel bad, many kids find themselves in the same situation! </p>
<p>Your response seems to be to decide that if you were at a school smaller than most high schools, it could again be like high school with you being the center of attention.
Is that what you really want?</p>
<p>I agree that counseling can help you transition to becoming more resilient and adaptable.</p>
<p>This by Colorado mom sounds off the wall, but is actually really true. !. It will get you out of your head (where you are spending tooooo much time, btw) 2. It will help you to feel good. (endorphins) (decreased anxiety) (better sleep), etc…</p>
<p>Also, as strange as it may seem, I think argbargy offered some really good, constructive advice.</p>
<p>Finally, the thing I told my daughters all through jr. high and high school: Do not make the mistake of comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. Everyone has feelings of isolation and loneliness their first year/first semester of college, even those who have developed the social skills to seem at ease in any setting.</p>
<p>Anectdotally, my oldest didn’t make her best friends until the start of her sophomore year, even though she had made plenty of friends by this time freshman year. They were acquaintances. It wasn’t until she got busy doing some of the activities that have taken up her days and nights, since then, that she really made the kind of close friends you seem to really want.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the replies but want to pass on that a young lady I knew had a similar problem making friends at Vanderbilt. She seemed to me like she would not because she was reasonably outgoing, had excellent social skills, was from the south, and came from a country club type background so shouldn’t have felt excluded by sorority types. I don’t know the details but she felt lonely and transferred back to a college in our state. Maybe it takes awhile longer than at other colleges to find one’s niche at Vanderbilt.</p>
<p>It’s interesting that poetgrl mentions sleep. OP may be doing ok in that respect, but it seems many troubled college students get into worse problems due to loosing sleep over initial problems.</p>
<p>I debated even posting this because of the risk of people thinking I was picking on the OP but, while there has been some great advice, I think one of the big reasons she (I think they are a she) is having trouble, is the way she comes across. </p>
<p>I started paying attention to her posts about a year ago when she was considering one of the schools to which my D was applying. Anyway, the impression I got was that she was very condescending and immature. Keep in mind that I am not saying that she is; simply that she comes across that way at times. My guess is that if that is the way I perceived her then many of the other students are getting the same vibe. </p>
<p>I would suggest a close introspection followed by the suggested counseling.</p>
<p>I doubt that’s a factor or universally the case. I had low HS grades relative to my test scores because the expectations, rigor, and quantity of work in HS turned out to be overwhelming whereas undergrad turned out to be quite manageable in comparison. </p>
<p>In this respect, I had the opposite experience of the op at the end of my first semester in college with grades(much higher than expected). Especially when other classmates with far better HS/test scores were struggling/failing the very same courses and I was taking a far heavier courseload than most of them against the recommendation of my adviser. </p>
<p>As for the social aspects, that didn’t really cross my mind as a 17 year old college freshman for two reasons. </p>
<p>One is emeraldkity4’s point about working/lower-middle class/first gen students’ focus on academic work/“being useful.” </p>
<p>Second was growing up with the idea that being very social in the conventional sense was for intellectual dilettantes. Probably got that from observing my academically dim older cousin crash and burn in undergrad academically for majoring in beer/partying. I wasn’t going to follow in his footsteps if I can help it. </p>
<p>Moreover, all the HS classmates and adults I highly respected for their intelligence and good sense tended to be introverts who had little/no need to be social butterflies. </p>
<p>Odd considering I tested as an extrovert on the MBTI and from observations of people around me. </p>
<p>I’m also wondering if there’s a gender factor at work here as I’ve noticed women were expected to be far more socially active and expressive as opposed to men like myself. That’s one form of social pressure I rarely had to deal with.</p>
<p>I think TV4caster is right on the money. I’ve always thought chaosakita’s posts seemed indicative of a lively, engaged mind. Sometimes her tone is abrasive, though. As someone who has benefited from the occasional kick in the butt from friends who care about me, I recommend that the OP undertake an eyes-open-wide evaluation of her personality and behaviors.</p>
<p>Chaos, I think you are ahead of most of your peers if you have the academics under control. Many freshmen will earn their first B or even C their first semester and will need to examine their study habits.
Yes, I totally agree with posts #47 and #49 and think the OP could benefit from therapy sessions.
Lastly, OP went to Vandy under parental influence. I think it’s a situation of the ‘grass being greener on the other side of the fence.’ OP should evaluate the positives and negatives of Vandy. Capitalize on the positives. Would the negatives be better at a different school or it that just a fantasy? Every school has great support systems in place to help struggling students.</p>
<p>Every school? I wouldn’t be too sure about that considering the variability in quality of support services for even regular non-struggling students at many colleges. </p>
<p>Moreover, schools with lacking support systems vary from expensive privates to lower cost publics.</p>
<p>Sorry Cobrat to use the word ‘every.’ Thinking back to the dark ages of my undergrad experience, there were less measures in place to prevent my peer group from falling through the cracks, either academic or emotional.</p>
<p>I think OP is hardly " falling through the cracks", on the other hand, reality does not match up with her idealized dream of college, that she had in high school.</p>
<p>I recommend you read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. </p>
<p>Listen more than you talk. Smile. Give people you talk to positive feedback. Stop trying to dazzle others with your sarcastic intelligence. That worked for you in high school, but won’t work in college. It is likely to drive people away from you–as you yourself have pointed out.</p>
<p>Assume that you will be no happier at any other college. Accept that you chose Vanderbilt as well. Find activities you like to do. Don’t worry about whether the activities impress anyone else. You will have a better chance of finding friends among people who enjoy the same activities you enjoy. (If you aren’t someone who enjoys parties, I’m not convinced joining a sorority would make you happier.)</p>
<p>I recommend you attend religious services of some sort. If you are agnostic or an atheist, guess what? You’ll still be welcome. Think of church/synagogue, etc. as a regularly occurring social event which turns no one away.</p>
<p>Why would someone want to attend religious services if she is an atheist. I thought the point was to meet with like mind, similar interest. I know my kids wouldn’t join in any religious discussion with anyone, and if anyone tried to talk to them about it, they would walk away.</p>
<p>^^To combat the social isolation described in the OP. If everyone is too busy to have conversations during the week, maybe the people willing to get up early for services on the weekend will be a group who are more open to social interaction. It’s hard to have a conversation at parties with loud music and (presumably) drunk people looking to hook up.</p>
<p>Other possibilities would be outing clubs, or specific interest groups. Scheduled language tables in the dining halls, etc.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’d bet dollars to donuts that we hear from OP in an month in a half saying that she has been seen the counselor a couple of times now and its helps but it doesnt help. She has tried smiling more but it doesnt seem to be working well. She has joined the kite club but it already has formed cliques. </p>
<p>She has the bad luck to the the type who is sensitive to these things that might roll off another’s back, but does not feel empowered enough to make changes to her self. She is going to continue to look for external solutions.</p>
<p>In general, I don’t think putting her down is helpful. (But I do understand the frustrations for those who’ve aredy given advice in other threads. She’d get so much further with posters, if she were reporting even incremental progress.)
…
You can be isolated in a church, especially if your beliefs are different. You may not want to chat about how great the sermon was. I think some activity where the relationships build on productivity is a good idea- you do your part and at least the others are happy for that. You don’t look at the activity as a means to friendships, but as that work/effort in itself. In time, the connections appear, if you contribute well and they come to recognize that. It’s a commitment.</p>
<p>I don’t know if OP wants these suggestions- there is no magic formula for making friends. What social skills do is grease the wheels. Without that grease, you can strip the cogs. </p>
<p>Dale Carnegie, old as it is, is a great tip. The idea that, over time, you get back what you give. And, how easy it is to give, how much is small things that make the other comfortable- as opposed to wanting to avoid your next barb or confusing comments.</p>
<p>argbargy, I’ve never blocked anyone here, but I’m pretty close to blocking you. </p>
<p>I’m agnostic, but I’ve been meaning to try attend Unitarian Services. I went to one service over the summer, but I didn’t really feel like I fit in. (The vast majority of the people there were either very elderly or younger teens) My city is lucky enough to have two churches, so I’m trying to go to services there with a friend, but I think transportation is a huge issue.</p>
Don’t feel bad, many kids find themselves in the same situation! </p>
!</p>