<p>Whoa... I'm sure this happens fairly frequently... but I certainly did not expect it. My D called us night. She is a freshman and athlete at a school about 1.5 hours away. Not only does she want to change her major (not uncommon and fine with us) but she wants to move back to the local area at the end of this semester and attend a more expensive school 15 miles from our home and live on campus. I mean she has only been at her school for what.. ten weeks. We are torn about what to do. Is this simply homesickness? Should we encourage her to finish out the year? Should we simply agree? We are really at a loss here. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.</p>
<p>Um…has she filed a transfer application? And who is going to pay the difference for this more expensive school?</p>
<p>Find out if the more expensive school even allows freshmen to transfer in after one semester because some colleges don’t, and require 24 completed credits, first.</p>
<p>Tell her that if she wants to transfer to the closer expensive school, that she needs to live at home. If she has a legitimate academic reason for wanting to transfer, then she will probably say yes even if it means living at home to equalize the costs. If her reasons for wanting to transfer are not good enough for her to be willing to sacrifice the dorm experience, I bet she’d rather stay at her current school</p>
<p>Why? What reasons did she give for wanting to transfer?</p>
<p>is there a boyfriend at that school or a boyfriend near your home? </p>
<p>Does she need aid in order to afford the more expensive school?</p>
<p>Will she be giving up aid/merit awards from her current school?</p>
<p>Some questions to ask yourself:</p>
<ul>
<li>Does the current school offer a worthwhile program in the new major? Does the desired school?</li>
<li>Does the cost of the desired school fall within the price limit you told her back when she was making her application list as a high school senior? Does the answer to this question change based on living on-campus versus commuting? (Be aware that food, utilities, and transportation costs for a commuter student are non-zero, though typically several thousand dollars cheaper than living on-campus.)</li>
<li>Does the desired school even accept transfer applicants after one semester?</li>
<li>Is there any other possible motive for her to want to go to the other school, such as a high school significant other attending that school?</li>
<li>Has she had any significant problems at her current school (e.g. course placement, important classes full, difficulty with course work, problems with the coach or sports team she is on, etc.)?</li>
</ul>
<p>First – remain calm, at least in your dealings with her.</p>
<p>No, don’t simply agree. Try to find out what’s at the bottom of this. Did she have a fight with her roommate? Has the coach benched her? Did she get a bad grade? Kids will globalize – “I got dissed in the dining hall, therefore everything about this place is horrible and I have to leave.” If there is a specific problem, brainstorm with her how to deal with it. </p>
<p>If it’s a not a specific problem like that and she’s simply homesick or unhappy, do your best to persuade her to go to the counselling office. Freshman homesickness/difficulty adjusting is extremely common (even though she may tell you every other freshman is blissfully happy). They are equipped to help her.</p>
<p>If none of that works, IMO you should insist that she finish out the year. Chances are very good that things will get better for her, and she’ll decide to stay. But if not, she can be researching the transfer process and going through that while she is still in school.</p>
<p>I would not do any of that for her. Make no phone calls, do no research, don’t lift a finger. If she’s going to make this big change, she needs to take responsibility for doing everything it’s going to require, including finding out about transfer credits, the major program, opportunities in her sport if that’s important, dorm situation, etc. </p>
<p>That includes finances. Even if you can afford to pay the extra, don’t offer to do so. I would tell her, “We are prepared to contribute X dollars per year. Anything above that, you will need to figure out.” So she will need to find out cost of attendance, and then decide if she wants to live at home, how much she’d need to make during the summers, how many hours she’d need to work during the school year, financial aid possibilities, everything.</p>
<p>Speaking from experience.</p>
<p>If it were my kid, and I could afford the more expensive school, I would treat her as an adult and let her know that I support her in any decision that she makes, but I’d like to play devil’s advocate and try to understand what’s driving the decision to transfer. </p>
<p>If I concluded that she was of sound mind, I would go along. If I concluded that she wasn’t of sound mind, I’d work with her to get the therapy that she needs. If that’s easy to provide closer to home, so be it. </p>
<p>I totally disagree with LasMa’s overall approach and attitude. My kids at college were too busy with schoolwork to do most of the kinds of things that she suggests. If I had the time, I would do the research and be supportive. The last thing you want is for your kid to tank the semester because YOU gave them extra busywork. </p>
<p>My guess is that if she wants to change her major, she is struggling academically. First semester freshman don’t even really HAVE a major at many schools, unless she is enrolled in something specialized, so I would let her change (she might change back next semester, who knows). </p>
<p>It might be tough if it is her athletic season, but I think I would go see her. Ask her to sit down and discuss it. If there is a grade portal of some kind, ask her to log on so you can see her grades (although they are not always up to date). Help her make a plan to deal with the biggest problem areas. See what the consequences are of dropping a class if she is truly failing something and it is clear she is going to fail anyway (it is probably taking time away from helping her pass her other classes). Help her identify resources to help her with the classes she keeps (tutors, professor office hours, etc.). I personally would offer to pay a professional tutor if needed (cost would be a drop in the bucket compared to tuition, at least at my kid’s school – and cheaper than a transfer if it helps her decide to stay)…</p>
<p>Unless her mental or physical health is truly at risk, I would encourage her to stay and work it out. Tell her you can discuss transfer options over winter break, and she can fill out applications to transfer for next fall IF your family can swing the finances. But I agree with saying she should live at home if the cost is an issue for the more expensive school.</p>
<p>No we have not began the transfer process. As to a boyfriend as far as we know the answer is no. My D does have several close friends who did not go off to school for one reason or another … so we’re wondering if she just misses them. As to her major; She was in Athletic Training and wants to switch to P. E. and now hopes to be an Athletic Director some day. Her current school offers P.E. and other education/teaching options as well. She claims at the new school she could minor in coaching… I have coached and frankly most schools are ALWAYS in need of some type of coach and to do the job you don’t have to have a coaching minor on your resume. Funny, we just saw her at an athletic event last weekend and she said NOTHING about this and was all smiles. I can’t help but think this may be an academic issue or she misses her local hometown friends. The irony here is two of her friends will leave for distant campuses next fall. The other friend works three jobs and goes to a community college. Thus, even if D came home her friends would not have the free time they did in high school to spend with her. D has always been popular and easy-going. Her classmates and fellow athletes always seem to want to be in her company. Still, I wonder if she has had trouble adjusting and just wants to throw in the towel. She is a good athlete and slated for much playing time in spring lacrosse, as per her coach whom we spoke with on Sunday. We have ruled out athletic reasons for her newly desired transfer. </p>
<p>I think you are getting lots of good perspectives here. My guess is homesickness and self-doubt are at the root of a lot of this. I’d at least make her stick it out through the semester and talk about it over winter break. Is she coming home for Thanksgiving too? Sometimes being back home has a way of clarifying things one way or another. Good luck.</p>
<p>Is your D on any athletic scholarship with lacrosse? If she committed to play and is receiving athletic funds to do so, I think leaving at the end of this semester leaves a hole in her team. Teaching a life lesson about honoring commitments to your team might be the angle to take in keeping her at her current school for the entire year.</p>
<p>Sometimes kids need to vent, and it may be that the situation is not as dire as was portrayed in the initial phone call. Time will tell whether this was an acute blowup that passes or a chronic issue that really will require a transfer.</p>
<p>Although it would be kind of you to jump in and help with research for transfers, I highly recommend that you stay out of it, at least at first. Let HER make the first moves. This will let you know how seriously she is contemplating a move. Once you get past the shock and the emotional upheaval, and SHE has begun to research the transfer, if you choose to be of help to her that would be gracious of you.</p>
<p>I suggest you not call, email or text your D until she contacts you again. Mail a sweet card to her, send her a care package, or have flowers delivered to her. Let her know you love her dearly. And then sit back and wait. (The hardest part of parenting!!) Let her make the next move.</p>
<p>Then, I encourage you to get her help with whatever you discover is the underlying issue. Mental/physical health issues, homesickness, failing an exam, lack of friends…whatever is bugging her, she is not the first person to have to deal with these issues. The college will have systems in place and if she reaches out, she can get some comfort and some specific help.</p>
<p>Hugs to you as you watch your child struggle. This parenting stuff is not easy !!</p>
<p>Aid for transfers generally isn’t as good as aid for new freshmen, and aid for mid-year transfers is often even worse. As someone for whom budget mattered, I’d have to tell my own kids I really couldn’t give them the thumbs up until I saw a financial aid package. Looking to transfer to one specific school is not a complicated process, a call to admissions (there’s probably a transfer counselor) and fin aid and a few forms to submit. No reason why the student can’t handle this herself, and I would insist that she did. </p>
<p>I would probably ask some questions about the process, like “have you contacted admissions and asked about your credits?” And follow up with, “well, get back to me after you do that and let me know what they say.” You may be able to ascertain a reason why your d wants to transfer all of a sudden and you may not. The eighteen year old brain is housed in an adult body, but it’s not mature, she may not be able to articulate or identify exactly what the problem is beyond a vague sense of wanting to be somewhere else. </p>
<p>I currently work in a HS athletic department. Most of our coaches have degrees in stuff like art history where they can’t find a job but were good college athletes and so they coach to make some money. I don’t think the path to becoming an AD is a direct route - people become AD’s after coaching, teaching PE, being athletic trainers, etc.</p>
<p>I think putting in a full year at a school is critical before making the decision to transfer. If the finances line up I would leave it up to her to get the paperwork together - do nothing on your end at all. But insist that she finish out the year and see if by the Spring she still feels the same way. Not all kids embrace their new environment as soon as they arrive. Time usually solves that. But if by next semester she is still unhappy I would let her transfer. Life is too short to trudge along in a place where you feel you don’t want to be.</p>
<p>CRD…I agree with LasMa. I helped my kids find college ONE time, and did some organizational work with them. They knew that if they wanted to transfer, the responsibility was on THEM to figure it out, get the applications done, research the programs, etc. The only thing I would have done was help them complete any financial aid applications.</p>
<p>This student and parents need to have a talk. They need to know why the student wants to transfer…ALL of the reasons. Why is it important to do so after one semester? Parents need to set financial parameters if there are any. Student needs to take responsibility for this process UNLESS there is a very compelling reason why the parents need to help out (student is having issues that would necessitate her being closer to home, for example).</p>
<p>One piece of free advice. Perhaps this student should take a leave of absence from the current college, move home get a job, and let the thoughts settle if she really doesn’t want to return to the current college in January. Sometimes a little distance makes a difference!</p>
<p>There was another thread on this forum about a student who transferred (grass looked greener…It usually does), but he was miserable there, and wanted to go back to his old school. Lucky for him, he was able to do so…but that is not always the case.</p>
<p>I heard someone speak about “greener grass” in regards to marriage, but it applies here. He said that he loves to play golf. He had seen a photo of a beautiful course in Hawaii that he was just dying to play on. He finally got the chance - he couldn’t believe his luck! But after a couple of holes, he was really annoyed at the insects that wouldn’t stop biting him. “What ARE those?” he asked. “Pineapple bugs” was the response. They really dampened his enthusiasm for the course that had looked so perfect in the photos. His point was that EVERYBODY (and every college) has pineapple bugs. Merely switching from one person or college to another is not going to change that fact.</p>
<p>I can’t see any reason to move to a more expensive college to major in PE.</p>
<p>Both of my kids transferred schools after freshman year (both graduated in 4 years - yea!). It was a good move for both of them, and their reasons had nothing to do with social stuff or not doing well academically. If your D doesn’t actually transfer until next fall, that gives her time to seriously consider whether the new school is really where she should be - time to apply and be accepted - time to get financial and personal matters situated. I think rushing into a transfer for spring of this year would not be wise (unless there is some personal issue that makes leaving at the end of the semester important). </p>