<p>Another thing you could try is tell your son you are going to be “the bad guy”. He wouldn’t mind if she came but his parents are saying no. That may help him.</p>
<p>^^ that was suggested by others, but why play games? If son wants to go, it’s with parents only. The end.</p>
<p>I’m pretty mean, and I don’t agree with negotiating with 16 year olds. If either of my kids gave ultimatums for visiting, I would have just said no. Of course, my kids knew me and knew that I don’t do well with ultimatums. I don’t know if he’s been on any visits yet, but my daughter was pretty excited after her first one. My other daughter was with us, and she kind of caught the ‘college visit’ bug too. I really wish we’d started visiting earlier, but it did all work out not to have started them until July following their junior year.</p>
<p>Do you have any schools you can look at that are close to you? Day trips where your son can go on a tour, meet the coaching staff, and leave? It is not as much fun as going to a game and hanging out with the players after the game. He might understand what he’s missing by skipping these chances to look at a lot of schools. The girlfriend could go because anyone can go on a public tour, but of course if it were me I’d say no because I’m mean (and my kids know it).</p>
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<p>Fair enough, but I should note that when I said ‘counselor’ I didn’t necessarily mean a therapist but really any respected person (respected by the SON, that is, not just the parents) that can come in and give the son some advice about his life as a man rather than simply having his mother and father scold him again and again. It’s weird, but sometimes kids respond to advice from, say, a coach or a pastor or a family friend or a cool uncle or someone like that. Even if it’s the same advice that their parents would give or had been given, just having that other perspective can be good when you reach that gridlock stage.</p>
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<p>I don’t think anyone is saying that the parents should just ignore the whole thing completely. But there is a sliding scale on how much control a parent really can exert over their children. You can punish him, you can reward him, you can cajole him, etc. but after a certain point he has to take responsibility for his own actions and his own goals. There’s just no way around that, Dad can’t do the interviews for him and can’t control his performance in school or at work. Dad can’t be by his side every second of every day. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that Dad doesn’t have a role play, or that stern discipline is inappropriate. I agree with the people who say that they should just tell the girl that she can’t come. But that isn’t the whole problem here. The OP told us that when they didn’t include the girlfriend the son sabotaged the trip. That’s a HUGE problem, even bigger than the issue of the girlfriend. If he isn’t being held responsible for his own future, he’s going to be in trouble – if not now, then when he does get to college and faces pressures a thousand times bigger than a needy girlfriend.</p>
<p>Yes, we have a best friend who is an “Uncle” to our kids. I know he would go to any of our kids and talk to them if he didn’t like what they were doing. Maybe the OP has someone like this in their life.
I have always had a rule that if we go on college visits we go alone without any friends. I don’t want their friends influencing college decisions and I don’t say much one way or the other at the visits. I let them do the talking on the ride home to get a honest appraisal of the college. I know if it was us we would lay down the law and the 16 year old would not be on the visit. Hopefully someone can knock some sense into him…love is really blind your first time around.</p>
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would simply have no problem with taking the girl aside and telling her no she’s not going. Period. </p>
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<p>And with sooo much at stake, I would cross boundaries and talk to her parents as well. I would tell them that this is extremely important, a recruit can’t be seen as being distracted by a GF, and that she can’t go. I would ask them to be supportive of the family’s position. </p>
<p>And, I would also have my child’s HS coach talk to him as well about the importance of NOT having the GF go.</p>
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<p>My thoughts exactly.</p>
<p>Lots of condoms or you may be a grandparent before you know it .</p>
<p>Good luck to your son & you.</p>
<p>I would call the parents and make the situation clear to them. Let them be the bad guys with her first. Just tell them that she is insisting with your son and that you have made it clear that she is not welcome for visit protocol reasons. They may not know the ins and outs of visits - just tell them that it isn’t done and it is serving as a distraction that could jeopardize his future. You could even blame that part on the college coach if needed. Not all parents would get that but many/most would I would think. Even non-college supporting parents would want their D hitching her start to a guy with prospects over a guy with no prospects. If you paint him as a guy with limited prospects if this doesn’t pan out they might pull her back in a hurry. If that doesn’t work plan B would be to go directly to the girl and tell her where to get off.</p>
<p>I also agree on having the HS coach talk with your son.</p>
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<p>Absolutely. And mention that there is only 3 passes, and the recruit and 2 parents will be using the 3 passes. That alone would likely make things clear to them. Obviously, if it were cool to bring GF’s or even siblings, more passes would be issued. </p>
<p>I probably wouldn’t say, “she’s insisting” or “she isn’t welcome” because those words may cause a defensive reaction. Instead stress the protocol for these visits, 3 passes, coaches will think poorly of recruits that bring GFs, his future, the scholarship, etc. </p>
<p>This is a college visit for your son and you. Just say no.</p>
<p>Offer to take the GF and son out for pizza. </p>
<p>Just say NO.</p>
<p>btw: not sure why everyone is focusing on “3 passes,” which to me is rather unpersuasive. (It’s not too hard to purchase a single ticket to get into the gate…)</p>
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<p>Disagree. It’s time for the S to ‘grow a pair’ and tell GF, “I’ll bring you back a souvenir.”</p>
<p>@bluebay It depends on the school. Some sell out. And the coach may have a reserved section for his recruits. </p>
<p>My son’s coach used to say there are three parts to college. The academics, the athletics, and the social life. You can do two of them well. </p>
<p>If you don’t do the academics, you are outtta there. If you don’t do the athletics, you are off the team. Don’t let the social stuff keep you from doing what you need to do.</p>
<p>The “3 passes” is a code to say there isn’t room and she isn’t expected or welcome without saying that directly. </p>
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<p>And that is exactly my point. Maybe, just maybe, its time for direct communication instead of namby-pamby code words. This is a future collegiate football player, after all.</p>
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<p>At D2 and IAA, highly likely. Regardless, Stub Hub is pretty convenient.</p>
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<p>If I’m the GF, I get that. So, I sit with BF in the ‘reserved’ section and mom/dad/sis sit elsewhere. (Do you really think seating arrangements are that hard to figure out, particularly for someone who is clearly demanding to be the center of attention?)</p>
<p>I don’t quite understand all the hoopla. He is your 16 year old son. What’s so hard about telling him what to do. I don’t believe in just letting him decide what he wants to do, which includes visiting colleges with his girlfriend. Just out of curiosity, is OP letting the 16 year old son share a room with the GF when they are traveling? </p>
<p>I would start with, “If you don’t go (without your girlfriend), then you are going to be grounded, no car, no phone, no internet, no money. And if you don’t like it then you can move in with your girlfriend.” I am sure the relationship isn’t going to last too long without a phone or car. I have shut off D1’s phone between 12-8am because she was texting too much in college when she should have been sleeping.</p>
<p>I am with Thumper1, just say no. OP can’t seem to say no to the son, no wonder the son can’t say no to his GF.</p>
<p>Agreed. This is a sixteen year old who the parents are schlepping on trips. Just say no to the girlfriend. It is an unnecessary distraction. </p>
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<p>True, but likely the 3 seats are in one particular section for recruits…typically near the 50 yard line and bottom level. Buying an extra ticket later will generally mean that seat will be elsewhere in the stadium…nowhere near the other 3 seats. </p>
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<p>So the family has to buy extra tickets for themselves…and sit elsewhere? if the GF even suggested that, she’d really be out of line. </p>
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<p>I would do all of that EXCEPT the mention of living with the GF. I wouldn’t give them that idea. </p>
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<p>Huh? She is out of line NOW. As long as she is enabled (by da’ boy and his 'rents), she will remain out of line. And that is the point I am trying to hammer home. </p>
<p>I tell my kids, ‘no’, all the time. And if they don’t like it, they are ‘encouraged’ to get a job and join the real world on a payroll.</p>
<p>I sense a cultural mis-match here between the posters and the OP. As far as I can tell, the OP has left the house.</p>
<p>In this situation, it seems to me that the only one with any remaining power here right now is the team coaches- his High School Coach and the recruiting coach. The OP’s kid better hold himself accountable to these two individuals, or he will have no team, and he knows it.</p>
<p>He may feel like he is such a recruited hero, the king of his school (which can be a very powerful feeling), and he has outgrown his parents who “don’t really understand the way things are, anyway”.</p>
<p>The “coach” parenting approach of trying to positively motivate and control the kid probably has started not to work- the kid gets his power from outside the home now and feels invincible. He probably enjoys ultimatums, because he probably is not afraid of any consequence.</p>
<p>The HS coach now has the power. The OP needs to learn new tools to control the kid (maybe the Mom can be more effective at this stage), but I suspect the OP will have to make an overt effort to find and adopt new methods, that are not natural to him, going forward. Right now maybe the kid should be made to get overt pre-approval on every move by his coach and his host coach. If he thinks he is super-cool and can bring his S.O. on recruiting trips, he needs to check it with both coaches first. If they OK it, then whatever- until the OP gets new coping tools.</p>
<p>I have seen people maneuver to use the police to enforce their relationships (and that works surprisingly well sometimes). But I would be afraid that after escalating to cops a couple of times, where do you go from there?</p>
<p>I think the OP will need to find some psychological tools to re-establish control in his relationship with his son. His son has outgrown the direct control methods that have worked thus far.</p>
<p>It’s really up to the coaches- hope that the HS coach will be a good enforcer.</p>
<p>Oh, for the love of sanity.</p>
<p>This is not that big a deal. The OP has two under-age kids who are pulling the teenaged equivalent of a three-year-old’s hissy fit. It only goes on as long as a parent is willing to play the game. </p>
<p>All the analyzing, and scheming and planning is totally not necessary.</p>
<p>“No, son, we will not be bringing Bertha on any college visits.”</p>
<p>Why is this so hard?</p>