For Parents: A question from a student.

OP: Your initial tone was extremely accusatory for no reason. How much better would your question have been answered if you had instead said: “Under what circumstances do parents dictate their kid’s college choice?”

Instead, you’ve extrapolated based upon a few cases that struck you – and you assumed this was widespread. Aside from affordability, some parents want their kids to attend certain religious colleges, or ones that are a certain distance away from home, or have a “safe” reputation. Sure some parents fear “liberal” colleges. Some cultures don’t want their girls to go to residential colleges but to only commute. Some are concerned that illnesses/addictions can be further manifest and make certain guidelines & protections. Some request a GPA minimum or tuition gets cut off.

The levels of influence and guidance varies considerably.

204 I believe…

@T26E4 I understand your statement completely… I failed to accurately detail my question…

@PilotKyle I talk a lot with friends about our children and college decisions. I think it is a lot like buying a house. Once you’ve been through it, you learn a lot. Talking with others helps you navigate not only the process, but also long-term implications that are sometimes over-looked. (ie. You can fall in love with the aesthetics of a house, but there’s so much more to consider. It often requires a practical, long-term view, which may be difficult for a first time buyer.)

In other words, most parents are trying to help and in many cases are the ‘bank’. In your case, (fair or unfair) your parents have made their intentions clear. Seeking information and help is mature on your part. Judging others can be futile. Just keep in mind that we never know the whole picture on this or any message board.

Good luck!..and I hope this post makes sense. I confess I’m multi-tasking here.

No prob PK. But it lends me to wonder – are you asking b/c you’re facing some unwanted influence from your parents? Those kind of questions get asked a lot by teens and parents – this forum is good to get multiple perspectives. But I’ll repeat what some others have said, w/zero family contribution, your own ability to take loans limits your choices. Try to have a sit down w/your guid counselor as soon as possible and explore your options.

Good luck to you

@T26E4 My parents have actually laid off, but my intention was to gain other perspectives in order to see if I should maybe ask them to come back into the decision process…

@PilotKhyle I do a lot of legwork and push my son to really “think” about what he wants.

There are parents who expect to have the only and final say. It is what it is. Their family. Their rules.

Why do kids feel parents should not be that involved? I’ve graduated from 3 colleges. I’ve had a real job for 25 years. So maybe I know a think or two he doesn’t. In general, my S doesn’t agree with that, but in this case he does.

These people have raised and kept you safe till now. And yes, they know a lot you don’t know…Don’t try to cut them out. Find a middle ground. You’ll be happy for their help!

There are plenty of posters in various threads who have said things such as, “if you (the parent) are paying the bill, then you should have your child go to the less expensive state U,” etc. etc. I have seen this quite a bit in the last few weeks as the May 1 decision looms. So I totally get your question, OP.

Regarding the posters who are pushing back at you for being accusatory, the insertion of just the 2 words “some of” as the 3rd and 4th words of your question would have avoided that, and would have been more accurate. Having said that, it is perfectly clear what you meant so I’m not sure why parental feathers have been ruffled!

In any event, we make decisions jointly in our family. Sometimes it starts with a strong desire for something (say, a dream school), followed by due diligence and a realistic assessment of the ramifications of this choice, including whether it can be paid for. If you’ve taken economics, you are aware of the concept of opportunity cost. This looms very large in college decisions. How much will a family have to give up in order to pay the tuition bill? By going to school A what are you foregoing by not attending school B? We visited many schools with our daughter, asked her to apply for merit scholarships, and ranked the COAs as the results came in.

Ultimately the decision was hers. She didn’t choose the most expensive or the least. She chose the one that had the best mix of quality academics, the majors she was interested in, value, relative ease of traveling to (preferably a day’s drive max) and most important, the place where she felt she would thrive. But getting to that decision point required a lot of research, visits and discussion.

@PilotKhyle, many parents here will be willing to help you sort things out. But we will need more information.

Can you explain why your parents have said they will contribute $0 to your college expenses?

Some parents have such a low EFC that they literally cannot help. Sometimes their college kids have to send money to THEM. Other parents take that stance as a matter of principle. For example, your parents may have the view that you ought to enlist and use the GI Bill, because they did. (If they did.)

204 is a good PSAT score, but is it high enough to be a semi-finalist in your state? It is unlikely, but possible. There are schools that offer automatic scholarships for NMFs. Can you tell us what state you live in?

There are students who do much better on the real SAT than the PSAT and who qualify for other significant automatic scholarships. There are student who missed the PSAT cutoff who later get into universities and colleges that truly meet full need and can go to school with maybe a minimum Federal loan and a work-study job.

We can help you. But we need more info about GPA, possible class rank, course rigor, and ECs, as well as the academic areas that potentially interest you…

I think you should involve your parents, even if they aren’t paying. You’ll still need their cooperation for FA documents, but more than that they are your parents. They know you. They might know that you’ll not like to be 800 miles away in a tiny town even if the school is fantastic, or that you’d do better in a city, or that your aunt in upstate NY would be able to help with transportation if you pick a school in a small town. You might like their opinion on a major or enjoy going along on a road trip to see a few schools.

If you’ve all decided that that it’s your decision, the tension should be gone. They aren’t paying, you are deciding for yourself.

Please stay on topic folks. Removed some posts.

As for my personal opinion (recent college grad) - my parents were supportive in reviewing my essays and encouraging me to apply to places but let me decide where to apply and when. Then again, I’m was way more on top of stuff than the typical high schooler haha. My parents were also very helpful just communicating about finances so FAFSA/CSS profile stuff was easier.

If your parents are genuinely low income/wealth, and will be cooperative on financial aid forms, look also at colleges with good need-based financial aid, using each college’s net price calculator to estimate. A net price after subtracting grants of under $10,000 (again which can be covered by a federal direct loan and some work earnings, with lower being better) would be your target.

If you have high stats, you may want to look at automatic and competitive full ride merit scholarship schools. See the lists at http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1678964-links-to-popular-threads-on-scholarships-and-lower-cost-colleges.html . Look for a remaining cost of under $10,000, which can be covered by a federal direct loan and some work earnings – obviously, lower is better to stay away from the financial edge. If you are also Pell grant eligible (the low income/wealth case), and the school offering the merit scholarship allows adding the Pell grant amount to it, then a remaining cost after the scholarship (before accounting for the Pell grant) of $10,000 plus the Pell grant amount would be doable.

Good question. I can think of several reasons: fear (first/only child leaving home), money, habit are the ones that come to my mind.

I didn’t tell D which school to attend but I did give, ah, heavily directed guidance last summer/fall in molding her school list. I would like to believe I have her best interests at heart when I did the legwork for her. We visited various types of colleges/universities so she could see which she liked but I admit I got to chose those schools. In hind sight, I missed a couple that could have reshaped her search.

In the end, she chose the schools to apply (from a list I had vetted for cost), wrote her essays, opened her own letters, and picked her final school.

Even if your parents can’t pay, include them in the discussion for the simple fact you are family. Too often, students and parents find themselves in some adversarial relationship: “me against them” over one issue or another. I think if you are open about your interests, hopes and fears, your parents will help however they can. It may not be money or solid advice but maybe just their viewpoint may help.

One thing I learned is the college landscape had changed tremendously since I was in college. It’s even changed from the time D’s eldest cousin attended college 15 years ago. Your parents may think you can “work your way through college.” There are a couple of options (Berea College comes to mind) but it’s really no longer possible. By including your parents, they will learn and see what you’re facing.

This cooperative approach helped make the application process less stressful for all of us.

Parents frequently set limits based on cost which is entirely fair. My own parents did this 40 years ago with me and my siblings. H and I are in the fortunate situation of being able to pay full cost at any school so our kids did not have that restriction. Our kids know that they are very fortunate.

If your income level is a match, consider the Questbridge program. Even if you don’t place as a finalist (which is an amazing benefit), you’re introduced to many programs who actively court low-income, high achieving students.

@PilotKhyle You are worried they know something you don’t? They do. They know lots of things that can help you!! Find a middle ground for their involvement/help and be happy they care:)

Chances are exceedingly low that a child of two military members will be eligible for Questbridge.

@pilotkhyle With regard to your question about “Liberal schools.” I have heard parents use that phrase before. Especially regarding the East Coast colleges.

What they are afraid of in my experience is their kids being different from them. If they are religious conservatives of any religion, they know that you will meet people at a “liberal college” who are Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and atheist. You will even meet (gasp) gay people. You will probably become more accepting of people’s differences and realize that there are good and bad people in each group, and the hating an entire group makes no sense. You may even realize that there is no more evidence for one religion than for the others. If there were, it would be called science.

These things change people. Seeing a child change so much from how they think is scary for many parents. That is what many parents are afraid of when they say this.

@Much2learn, do you believe those “religious conservative parents” you refer to in post #37 truly believe they are “hating an entire group”, or that they have even thought about any level of evidence for one religion compared to another? These people when press, don’t believe they hate others at all, they just want nothing to do with them. They have no need for any discussion about any other religion because THEIRS is right, period, and all others are just wrong.

I get the financial reasons that many families face. One of D’s classmates will be attending Flagship State because of a wealthy great uncle’s trust fund, that will provide up to $40K per year to his nephews/nieces/great nephews/great nieces to attend that school, but he loved that particular school so much, after this generation is done with their education, the remainder of this trust fund will go not to his family, but to the school. This young man’s parents told him not to even bother applying elsewhere, and many of us would completely agree with his parents (whether or not we’d agree with his late great-uncle is another story).

Would the parents still force the student to attend the school that the trust fund would pay for if he got a full ride scholarship somewhere else? Also, a “this school only” restriction could be a problem if the student were not admitted there.