<p>Yeah, yeah, they will hate me, blame me, forever. Like they wouldn't do that if it wasn't already in the works. </p>
<p>But seriously; what are some good decision points for how much input we should have in our kids college decisions?</p>
<p>For MY purposes, let's NOT assume a CC super student, who has worked hard, and known what they wanted from college since 8th grade, and demonstrated it in their application process ( this is the PARENTS forum).</p>
<p>If it is a choice among good options, and the parent has a preference different from the student’s, I think the strongest reason not to weigh in with that is the possibility that it will NOT be a good match (kid will not be happy there, kid will not do well there). Better that this happens with the kid’s choice than the parent’s choice (better that it not happen at all, lol).</p>
<p>If there are significant financial differences and the parents are paying, I think the parents have lots of rights. Although I think the best way is to stipulate what the parents will spend (preferably long before April decision month) and let the kid go from there.</p>
<p>If the kid seems to be using very poor decision-making skills or criteria (see thread on kid choosing based on gf location), then it is tough and there is a lively discussion on that thread about how to handle. In a case like this, there might sometimes be value in some form of counseling to help generate the wisest decision.</p>
<p>I agree with jmmom, and that it really depends on the kid and the options, all other factors being equal.</p>
<p>But finances play a critical role, as do parental gut instinct when we know our offspring may be making a wrong choice (though then I would suggest more of a discussion with thoughts/concerns). </p>
<p>I know the process will be different with each of my children. The process will be largely driven by them however shaped by me because they have asked for me input, my guidance and my thoughts. With kid #1 her 1st choice answered yes and actually saved us from deciding among great other choices. Had it turned out differently she would have counted on me to weigh in heavilly but we are very close and she knows I know her well enough to do that. My more independent D2 will likely not be as open to that but I imagine will still be looking for some Mom input.</p>
<p>Well, in the end, they are the ones going to college, not you[ figuratively speaking] . So they need to recognize that they will be living with the consequences of their decision[s] and actions once in college.</p>
<p>I have no problem imposing reasonable expected minimum GPA’s, in order to continue funding their expensive education.[with the caveat that college IS harder than HS and the first semester of Freshman year & living away from home for the first time can be a bit of a hurdle/ stumbling block to some kids].
So what ever college THEY decide to go to, they need to acknowledge to YOU that they are not going off to college just to party or “find themselves” . They are going to college, with your blessing, and on your dime, for an EDUCATION, in order to be able to support themselves in the near future.</p>
<p>Just reading the title, my response was going to be:
Because they won’t listen.</p>
<p>Having actually read the post, my answer is only slightly different. It doesn’t work to TELL them what to do. It is hard work to try to understand why they want to do something else, and then if we still think it’s a mistake, it’s even harder work to discuss and reason in a respectful way with the kid who is driving you crazy</p>
<p>Thanks all. We just came away from a SPECTACULAR admitted students day, but that really seems their strength. </p>
<p>It reminded me of the feeling I had after one of those time share weekends. We actually bought the time share, but took advantage of the laws that allowed us to get out of it.</p>
<p>The time share world have cost us less, and may have been a better financial investment.</p>
<p>Yes, I know this is not a financial investment. But we are still paying loans for our own education (which in the 80’s WAS a financial investment) and our retirement (which is also considered an investment).</p>
<p>Sigh. Just venting I guess. Keep it coming.</p>
<p>PS. My kid would listen. He’d be “****ed” (his words), but he would “listen”.</p>
<p>Is you kiddo talking about it? Or quiet about it? Are they actually asking or are they not asking?</p>
<p>I actually think we are well within our rights to lay out, in a matter of fact way, the reasons we believe choice A is better than choice B or C, and why, all things considered, we would choose that. Then, like the lady said, “The secret to giving advice is being indifferent as to whether or not it is taken.”</p>
<p>No, I really think we are allowed a one time opportunity to make our case, to be considered and weighed along with all the other information. Ultimately, if it is not a financial issue? I think the decision is theirs. Actually, before we give our concise, unemotional, fact based reasons, we ought to preface it with, “I know this is your decision and you have very good instincts. I know you will make the right choice, but here is what I would do if I were you, and here is why…” </p>
<p>Anyway, that’s how I plan on handling it with the next one. The one who is a sophomore in collge right now actually WANTED everyone’s opinion.</p>
<p>after the last admitted student event, I went silent as he had already heard everything I had to advise. I let him know that I would be happy to answer questions, but other wise kept my trap shut. He had taken in everything that had been said, and in the end went with the college that made the most sense for all of us[ $$ was an issue].
I think you just have to now let your senior make the decision and let him[?] know that you trust he will make the right choice. Then prepare for lots of bruises from all the times you’ll have to pinch yourself [ and your hubby] over the next few weeks to keep from saying anything more!
I think that Senior boys especially need a lot of space to think things through properly. A young mans virtual “cave” to escape to in his mind, where he can mull things over, without [unwanted, possibly repetitive] outside interference or input that he’s probably already heard.</p>
<p>You have until May 1st to decide. If you feel that your son’s judgment has been obscured by the razzle-dazzle… that might just wear off in 2 weeks. </p>
<p>I would note that it is possible that the school that gets the admitted-students event right also gets a few other things right… and that what you consider to be objective facts and stats about a school are also a result of marketing manipulation and planning, and may not apply to your son. Things like rankings, test-score ranges of enrolling students, 5 year graduation rate, etc. may feel to you like they are hard facts on which to judge a college – but they don’t take many factor into consideration, and don’t really give a full picture of what your son’s actual experience would be at a college. So be wary of elevating your own opinions over your son’s – he may see things that you don’t. </p>
<p>But I do agree that a cooling off period after a presentation is always a nice thing to have. Lucky for you that you had that when you signed that time share agreement!</p>
<p>I would like to chime in that a good admitted student visit can be important. We just came back from one that solidified the original visit that this wasn’t the right school for DS so we’ve pretty much crossed it off the list. Just didn’t feel right and the visit did nothing to sell it to my DS.</p>
<p>“I would note that it is possible that the school that gets the admitted-students event right also gets a few other things right… and that what you consider to be objective facts and stats about a school are also a result of marketing manipulation and planning, and may not apply to your son.”</p>
<p>Fair enough. But to me, what all his other schools offer seems to be a more personal touch. All of them sent a note after admission, before and after "the event '. </p>
<p>Oh yeah…And merit money.</p>
<p>I called admissions with a question after “The Event”, got a student who told me to email admissions, which I did, then got an automated response. It promised to get back to me within 48 hours, if it’s not a weekend. </p>
<p>We are attending another “event” from a competing schools next weekend.</p>
<p>My son has gone to the same school since he was three years old, and has 67 kids in his graduating class. They really brought out the best in him, and tolerated a LOT of warts. I’m pretty sure his LOR’s got him fair in the admission process.</p>
<p>But enough about us. I mean this question in a general way</p>
<p>Some great schools have lousy admission offices. Did your S get a chance to talk to students who were actually there? Did you get a feel for it? Admissions is probably not the right place to call. Who awarded the merit money? If it was a department or school withing the university go there. They are the ones that wanted your kid. </p>
<p>But, we also had same kind of kid, same financial issues. We told them how much money they had from us before they started the process and to decide wisely, it was all they would get… After that they chose based on how they felt about the right school. We stayed out of it when they stayed in budget.</p>
<p>"What do YOU think about it, in a general way? "</p>
<p>I have been lambasted for my opinion in the past…I helped too much in admissions… didn’t lay out/know enough rules along the way… feel that the one with the most money may have the most insight about what it takes to make more… IF you’re into that.</p>
<p>"Who awarded the merit money? If it was a department or school withing the university go there. They are the ones that wanted your kid. "</p>
<p>Unfortunately it was a different school ( actually about five different schools)… that offered money… and wanted my kid.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Attentive admissions office. I would caution not to confuse what the experience is relating to the Admissions office with what the experience will be relating to the students/profs/advisers/staff once attending the University. I’ve never seen anything showing that one predicts the other. And I’ve seen some definite disconnects.</p></li>
<li><p>Merit aid - well, that is a significant factor. If that makes it very much more attractive to the parents (payers), but the lesser/non merit aid school is still doable: I’d suggest (1) trying to have an adult discussion with your kid about this, but recognize that a 19-year old really cannot grasp what imminent retirement may mean and the trade-offs in college spending vs retirement saving; (2) give the kid some skin in the game incentive-wise. Where the merit $$ may be attractive to you but immaterial to him, go ahead and make it material to him. Offer something financially attractive to him should he accept the better merit offer - be it a better laptop as he goes off, a higher allowance while at school. There are all kinds of options, but I would suggest including something (as at least part of it) that is fairly immediate (vs. “we’ll pay for grad school”, or "we’ll give you $$ later) so that the kid really weighs the $$ into his decision equation.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Ahh. Well, I was only asking in the spirit of: “how do I know what I think until I see what I have to say.” </p>
<p>Anyway, I refuse to lambaste. Every kid is so different. My oldest would have had her feelings hurt if I had “gone silent” on any issue ever. My youngest would feel as if I were trying to “force” her into something, so I have to be careful to wait and have only the one opinion “piece” so to speak, and yet, if my H is not in the details to the nitty gritty with HER? She will feel he doesn’t take her seriously.</p>
<p>Kids and parents have such different relationships. I think you should just go with your gut. :)</p>
<p>"Offer something financially attractive to him should he accept the better merit offer - be it a better laptop as he goes off, a higher allowance while at school. "</p>
<p>Sadly enough, that would work, and is what I was thinking.</p>
<p>“Anyway, I refuse to lambaste. Every kid is so different.”</p>
<p>Appreciate that! </p>
<p>I learned my lesson discussing my D, who is currently a full paying junior at Duke, having turned down $$$ elsewhere.</p>
<p>What both kids choices have in common, and what we are willing to pay for though our kids don’t care, is a lot of diversity.</p>
You may just be seeing the contrast between smaller/larger. (You didn’t specify the colleges, so I’m just guessing). In a nutshell: smaller=more personal attention; larger=more resources. </p>
<p>
Again, I don’t know the schools, but in general, merit money tends to come from schools that are less selective & less competitive for admissions than those that don’t offer money-- with a notable exception for underfunded publics who simply don’t have the money to throw around. </p>
<p>But usually the debate on CC is the pull between greater prestige/stronger academics vs. merit money. </p>
<p>If there is a max that you can pay as a parent, I think it is your absolute right to tell your kid what that max is. But hopefully that isn’t a number that is influenced by your personal feelings to the school.</p>
<p>I don’t know you or your kid, but I’m getting the sense that you see your son in a smaller environment and the u. with the great event seems too big and overwhelming. Just keep in mind that the kid who attended the same school since age 3 and is graduating in a class of 67 can and will grow over the next 4 years.</p>
<p>Gonzaga, University of Portland, Santa Clara, LMU, plus a few, but really, I meant this thread as a way of hearing insights on how parents decide how much they might offer their input in decisions.</p>