Please don’t flame me! Just wanting some advice from parents who have been there, with boys who can’t drag themselves away from their computers.
As my son (addicted to computer gaming, IMO) heads off to a rigorous engineering program at a top ranked college, I wonder if I should tell him I won’t allow him to bring his playstation. I am in a position to request this from his roommate as well, as they are long time friends and that boy’s parents are counting on my son to have a good influence on their son. I realize he will play games on his own computer and certainly will find other kids in the dorms to play on their systems, but in my mind, not having it in his own room would be one less distraction.
We are paying for college so perhaps this is leverage. As a compromise, if he has a good adjustment to school and has good grades first semester, we may let him bring it second semester.
I’d say you have the right to do this. Maybe set a specific grade goal for him. But, note that whatever college it is will likely be tough – having expectations of the same grades as HS is probably not realistic, with or without gaming. And what if his roommate doesn’t make grades? If it is a school with P/F first semester, I think a student who passed all is doing well – not all of my kid’s classmates met that bar!
It’s important to stress that engineering is difficult and he may have less time to play than his non-engineering major friends. If he resorts to just copying his homework off the internet, he will likely sink within 3 semesters.
If he is going to a ‘top ranked college’, he must have done OK in HS while (according to you) addicted to video gaming. If you don’t think he is mature enough to handle it, perhaps you should make him stay home where you can watch over his shoulder and go to CC. My video gaming son actually got better grades in college than in HS, even in math, physics, computer courses, because he was studying what he liked. Why not just have a discussion with your son before he leaves, rather than taking things away before you know it will be a problem?
“If you don’t think he is mature enough to handle it, perhaps you should make him stay home where you can watch over his shoulder and go to CC.”
Does it have to be either/or? I don’t think college readiness is that binary. Leaving the PS at home is just a “nudge” to help establish better habits while away from supervision.
In high school, did he manage his own time enough to do his school work on his own, or did you have to regulate his video game playing so that he would do his school work?
good advice @mamabear1234
He did alright in HS, but did not apply himself as we would have liked (3.5 UW). He is pretty cooperative in general and is even doing some self-study in Calc and Chem this summer since he is not working so he will be able to hit the ground running. Never has he done five hours a day of studying (the recommended amount for his school) however! @hanna I believe the Playstation was a gift. @ucbalumnus We did not regulate his gaming.
I’m of the opinion that it’s hard to “forbid” something to a 17/18 year old who will be living away from home. If he and his roommate feel they are being controlled/bulled by you (sorry, but that’s how kids think) they will find ways to play video games – and may do so in part to spite you.
Instead of “forbidding,” SUGGEST. Treat him like the adult he is or will soon be. (My husband told my video-playing daughter "Save yourself!"and that made sense to her.) As the tuition-paying parent you have the right to ask to see grades – and may step in to make demands if the need arises. But odds are your intelligent son will quickly figure out that if he’s to succeed in his very tough major, he will need to budget his time accordingly. He may also appreciate you trusting him by not making any hard-to-enforce rules for him.
Don’t bother. I had the same concerns with my own son (justifiably) last year regarding computer gaming. Of course when we arrived his engineering roommate had his own playstation all set up in their room. My son managed to waste his first freshman semester in a top CS program by playing games and wasting time on his laptop instead of doing his school work. He’s home now trying to figure out what went wrong and how to better prepare himself to try school again.
The bottom line is that there are multiple sources for gaming and distraction. You simply cannot control them all. If your son is ready for college, he will budget his time wisely. All you can do is warn him about excess and advise him that his school work is his priority.
Even if this wasn’t an issue, there is one good reason to discourage the bringing of a videogaming console and the TV to one’s dormroom.
The serious issues with one’s dormroom becoming videogaming/tv watching central for one’s section/entire dorm at all hours which can result in serious sleep deprivation and lack of studytime in one’s dorm*
A younger friend who was still an undergrad found his grades and sleeping needs suffer as a result of his dormroom becoming an effective gaming/tv watching central for the floor of his large dorm.
Worse, I ended up being dragged in to mediate a contentious dispute between him and his dorm neighbors because of the amount of noise from foot traffic and boisterous noises during videogame play at night.
It’s one thing to go to another dormroom to play videogames/watch TV…but one can come back to a much quieter/less active dormroom to study/sleep if desired.
Especially an issue with colleges where libraries aren't open 24/7.
@mnm111, given that the OP has some control over the roommate situation, your post seems like a cautionary tale in favor of first semester without it. Sure, there will be distractions. But why have one right in your room? Sorry about your kiddo, by the way – for a lot of bright kids, they just aren’t ready for the true “deep end” of a top STEM program (mine nearly went under, too, but has clawed her way through three years and is on track to graduate – but it could have gone differently for sure!)
I am intrigued at the idea that you can forbid something when your kid is living hundreds of miles away but had no luck forbidding it when he lived under your roof and was eating breakfast at your kitchen table every morning.
I see this with neighbors whose kids have had substance issues, online poker, etc. If your “bans” didn’t work with a 15 year old who didn’t have a driver’s license, credit card, or checking account… how is it going to work with an almost adult?
I agree that a sit-down is in order. There are only 24 hours in a day, some of which gets used to shower, eat, talk to friends. How does your son plan to use the remaining time?
I think you should suggest to your son to leave the game at home but ultimately leave the decision to him. Make it clear you are paying for college and he needs to keep his grades up (my kids have scholarship required gpa’s so didn’t have to add my pressure to that). If he feels he’s being punished not to have the games at school, he’ll find another way to play, either in someone else’s room or in a public game room. I’d suggest scheduling game time into his study schedule so he knows what a reasonable amount of time is for it. When my kids were little, I found we were constantly getting fast food because it was easier to spend the $4 than to listen to the requests for a Happly Meal. Then I scheduled it for Monday nights (violin lesson night) and when we’d be out on the weekend and the kids asked for McDonald’s, I’d say ‘you can pick that on Monday if you want’ (they always picked Boston Market) and my kids accepted it (me too, because it really was easier to just get fast food but better for us not to just fall into that habit). If your son schedules ‘game time’ he might be more likely to play from 8-10 and shut it off.
My athlete daughter had a very strict schedule, especially fall freshman year when she had study tables (required until the student has a 3.0). Between practice, labs, classes, meals, and study tables, if she wanted anything ‘social’ she needed to schedule it. Her grades have never been as good as they were that first semester.
Lot’s of interesting viewpoints and cautionary tales! Thanks everyone for sharing your perspectives. Just to clarify , the recommendation for COLLEGE is to spend two hours studying for each hour spent in class, so for a 15 credit load that would mean 30 hours during the week of studying and if one day is “free” that would mean 5 hours per day for the remaining six days. I recently spelled this small fact out to him and believe he found it enlightening.
We are definitely the “suggesting” type of parents which is why we did not restrict his playing during the HS years. He is a very good kid but like many 18 yr old boys, may not have the executive functioning skills one would like a costly college tuition is on the line. Guess my title to the post could have been less inflammatory.
“I am intrigued at the idea that you can forbid something when your kid is living hundreds of miles away but had no luck forbidding it when he lived under your roof and was eating breakfast at your kitchen table every morning.”
I think you have every right to keep the Playstation at home, especially if you bought it. However, I don’t think it is a feasible solution. I would think that in a dorm full of boys that gaming systems are plentiful and that he will probably be best friends with a guy who has one in about 30 seconds after you leave.
Your real problem isn’t the Playstation, your problem is that your believe your son’ won’t keep up his grades. My advice would be to allow him to take it, but promise him that if he doesn’t keep his grades up that you will bring it home. In other words, give him the responsibility to make wise choices but suffer the consequences if he doesn’t.
I would strongly encourage him not to take it to school, especially since he’s an engineering major. If he brings the Playstation to school his room may become the game room. Don’t forbid him from gaming, because it will be a good socialization thing in the dorm, just let one of the non-engineering majors be the game room. Our son had a lot of fun gaming with his friends on their system, but their workload was not nearly as much as his engineering workload. You can play videogames and get great grades in school - just talk with him to make sure he knows which is the priority. You’re fortunate that he apparently is cooperative with you and listens to your advice. We were lucky it was never even brought up as an issue.