Thanks everyone, these replies are really helpful. The school is reasonably large, about 30,000 students. He was already trying to move on and make new friends, and the girls for some reason don’t want to let it go. I’m learning a lot from this thread about the nuances of the term “assault,” and while I’m certain he wouldn’t have made any verbal threats (like “I’m going to kill you”), he was probably freaking out because the girl was angry at him and they were having a verbal fight, and I believe there was alcohol involved too. He can be somewhat dramatic and he’s not very well acclimated to alcohol (or romantic relationships). So I’m sure it was plenty unpleasant all around, and people do need to understand that verbal outbursts can be scary to others. I’m going to have a very serious talk with him tonight because this simply cannot ever happen again.
And yes I believe what the girls are doing is using the term “assault” very loosely and implying that there was some sort of physical or even sexual assault. My son didn’t even properly defend himself to the frat when asked about it because he didn’t know what “assault” they could possibly be talking about, since he doesn’t know that verbal assault is a thing (he will after tonight though). So he felt like the girls were making up a lie out of thin air, when what they are really doing is using the word assault to describe the verbal fight that happened, but not giving specific details and so letting people to think the worst.
I found out that he wouldn’t need to apply to the transfer school for next fall until May, so we are going to see how the rest of the semester goes. If the harassment ends now and things are better perhaps he can stay and rush again next fall. On the other hand, if it continues, we will have no choice but to transfer him.
LOL, I feel like the angry ex-girlfriend needs a new boyfriend to take her focus off my son, though I certainly don’t wish this type of problem on anyone else!
Please keep an eye on your son and his mental health. If they continue to bully and harass your son it can really get to someone mentally and you want to make sure he is able to live his best life while at school. It cannot be easy for him to deal with these jerks and see them wherever he goes. I like the idea that someone mentioned of having him join other clubs but it also sounds like she is stalking him in a way by showing up wherever he is so take care of him and the harassment before it gets worse and again contact the school if need be!
Calmly discuss with your son what occurred during the incident.
Make sure that he realizes that it takes two to argue, and that he is partially to blame & must accept responsibility for his actions/part in the argument.
Does not excuse the mob behavior & harassment, but may lead to a better understanding of their behavior. Plus, not all people behave in a rational or mature manner.
All that your son can control is his own behavior.
Consider counseling for your son in order to minimize any emotional scarring.
People argue - couples fight. The behavior of this young woman s inexcusable. There is no “better understanding “ of such calculated bullying by a group of people.
I find this situation truly appalling and agree that the parent needs to step in an stop this.
But we are only hearing one side of this matter through a secondary source.
Regardless, my point is that OP & OP’s son can only control how they react to this ongoing matter. Best to do so in a way that minimizes psychological harm to OP while gaining a better understanding of people’s behavior including his own.
P.S. There are indications that even OP’s son does not recall all that was said & done due to intoxication & emotion. The OP was not present & is relying on information from her son.
Third parties are reacting in a way that suggests there is more than one side to this story.
And my point is that sometimes the behavior of others is irrational.
How best to react at this point is to put an end to the harassment that has been going on for a while and is obviously detrimental to this young man’s well being.
Yes, we are hearing one side. But here’s why I am completely with the OP:
If, during the breakup fight, the OP’s son made threatening statements, then the girlfriend could have reported the incident and likely would have taken measures to ensure her safety. But instead, she is essentially stalking him in real life and online. So I have to conclude she is not worried about her safety.
I truly hope there is a way to hold this young woman, and her friends, accountable for their actions.
Agree. Following someone around campus shows that the so called fear from the verbal assault is suspect. Going to the frat board or the school is one thing if assaulted, showing up on social media and at parties is another.
Is there any option of your son contacting the original frat board to clear up the matter?
Silver lining: He will never marry and therefore never get divorced from this vindictive person.
as you say, we do not know for certain who said or did what. I do think it is pretty clear why the frat did what they did…very little upside for them, why take the risk on a new member.
I am extremely thankful I have no experience with this sort of situation. But as a general rule bullies only stop when you stand up to them. I would consult a lawyer and see if a strongly worded letter to this girl – and her parents – regarding slander and libel might be in order.
If you’re able to swing it, I would consult a lawyer and get some advice. I would not involve the school without first speaking to a lawyer to be clear on what your son’s rights are.
Without credible witnesses, it’s really a “He-Said-She-Said” type of situation (fueled by alcohol) but the ongoing (sober) harassment and slander of your son with social and emotional damages, is a serious matter.
He should write down his recollection of the original fight, including the words he remembers being said, and also he should document all the subsequent harassment & slander and the results of that (having to move dorms, getting kicked out of a fraternity, getting blackballed by other frats, etc.) At the very least, a well crafted lawyer letter to her parents could do wonders…
This might cause the young woman to file formal complaints with both the school & the local law enforcement agency in addition to possibly filing a civil lawsuit.
Accusing the girl of slander and libel is a pretty strong response- if the girl claims she was verbally assaulted, then bringing in a lawyer and going nuclear seems to be the wrong direction and will only escalate.
Why not try a mediation- have your son ask a chaplain on campus to reach out to the girl, ask for a three-way meeting, have your son apologize (he can read a letter he’s previously written so it isn’t “on the fly” and open to misinterpretation) give the girl a chance to explain why she’s felt so threatened by his behavior, and then have the mediator come up with rules of the road- the two of them are to make an effort to avoid each other in social situations, no bad-mouthing or trash-talking to third parties, and a handshake to show that the incident is over and put behind them.
I’d try a mediated meeting before I’d start making counter-threats.
And OP- your son would not be the first young man who thought he was “expressing himself” when an objective third party would point out that he was- indeed- being threatening and suggesting violence. Ask anyone in law enforcement (especially cops who show up in a domestic violence situation). The drunk boyfriend claims he was just “having a quarrel”. The GF wants an order of protection. The video (if the cop is wearing the camera and recording) shows a potentially violent and abusive situation.
There’s no video of this altercation for your son- just a he-said/she-said. I’m not saying your son is a criminal, but to imply that this girl is making something up suggests that your son- after alcohol- has perfect recall of what he said, the tone of voice he used when saying it, and that he maintained a physical distance of several feet at all times during the argument.
Try de-escalating. And your son doesn’t need to join a frat to make friends at a university this big- surely there are other things he likes to do ? Join the ultimate frisbee team, take swing dancing classes, take up golf… a big U is going to have lots of ways to make friends that don’t involve the frat/party/risk management universe…
No one said anything about “going nuclear”. Nothing threatening about consulting a lawyer to find out what his rights are - especially in regard to the college itself and what happens if she files a complaint.
He HAS been damaged by her on several fronts.
Without a video or credible witnesses, not much “teeth” in a civil suit based on the original argument…
I totally agree with this! My son was mercilessly bullied in high school despite being a smart kid, an athlete, and popular. Boys will try to deal with it themselves but it takes a toll. We ended up having my son see a counselor which was very helpful, and easier because he was living at home at the time.
I discovered that there were times and moods during this experience when he was more willing to talk. When he was having a good day and chatty we were able to have a discussion about coping strategies which he could use on the bad days. Itʻs hard to offer anything but support during the low points.
All of our kids will run across jerks and crazies in their lives. This is an opportunity to teach him how to effectively recognize and deal with those types. Treat this as a big picture learning experience and a chance to learn some new skills.
Thanks everyone; wow what an insightful group of people you are!
I definitely believe that my son has some part of the blame here…I’m sure he was drunk and verbally engaging in a way that is not ok; and males sometimes don’t realize how this can be scary to other people. I don’t truly believe the girl is afraid of him though because 1) my son is not an intimidating aggressive guy at all and 2) instead of seeking help or reporting the incident, the girl and her friends went on the attack and have been harassing him ever since. A group of eleven people harassing one guy pretty much defines him as the victim, at least in the present circumstance.
My older son, who was very active in his college frat, also finds the actions of the frat perplexing. His take on it is that the frat in question is not very “organized or serious,” and that they didn’t handle it correctly, since they quickly booted my son with almost zero process or discussion. Greek life is not huge at this school and this particular frat is not a very prominent one so it seems to be operating more like a club I guess. In any case we are hoping that he can rush again next fall, since no formal complaints have been made and nothing happened while he was a member of any of the frats. Additionally, he will pick some different frats to rush with just to be safe.
If the girls will leave him alone for the rest of this semester he would like to stay at the school. It was his first choice and he loves the school. But of course if any harassment continues then we will definitely have to transfer him and I’m prepared to do that if necessary. The two main harassers (the ex-girlfriend and her friend) are both mentally and emotionally unstable, having their own constant breakdowns and outbursts, independent of anything to do with my son, so I’m guessing that the group of eleven may not be cohesive and long-lasting, and that alone may put an end to the bullying as they move on to new dramas and infighting. I feel like we’ve done what we can by moving him and having him go invisible on social media. If the girls continue to stalk and harass him, then we really will have no choice but to transfer him.
As for his mental health, he’s doing ok. I drove up here to be near him (I have family in the area I can stay with), so he’s had Mom dropping in on him every other day or so recently, just to generally support him, go to dinner, etc. He is also involved in a lot of activities on campus, and working out daily. He likes his classes and has good grades so far. He sees a local pastor who does youth counseling for some of the kids at the college. (Among many other supportive things, the pastor said, “You shouldn’t be in a drinking club [frat] anyways,” referring to the frat, lol.) So I think he will be ok. Honestly, from what I know of the girls, my son is probably handling this better than them. I just hope the craziness will stop now. Thank goodness it’s a big school. This would be impossible to escape in a smaller institution.
One of my kids was Risk Manager for his frat. We were not thrilled- it seemed like a very risky role for an undergrad to take on. BUT- we did learn that there weren’t many judgment calls to be made. The national organization had set out the guidelines, and the university had a Dean who was the bridge between the frat and mental health services, the general counsel’s office, the folks who owned the building where the frats were housed (if they didn’t own their own house), etc.
So the actual fraternity in question may not have had a lot to say- if the risk manager filled out an incident report (which is usually required if there’s an altercation or confrontation on their property), the “next steps” may have been out of their hands.
This is a challenge because any campus employee your son goes to is a mandated reporter. What does that mean? As soon as your son admits to any part of this girl’s accusation they have a case against him. She’s currently claiming “assault,” not verbal assault or argument, right? The Title IX policies state that she can file a complaint and the school has to hear it. The accused has very few rights. It’s not like a court case where he can be represented by lawyers and have a clear cut guilty/not guilty verdict. If the panel finds that it’s more likely than not that the accusation could be true, he’ll be found responsible. So she can claim sexual assault and get him expelled. This happens more often than you might think and the school’s funding is tied to how well they handle these cases, so the odds are stacked against the accused.
She’s already got a dozen students bullying him and has gotten him booted from the Greek system. I wouldn’t trust that she can be reasoned with. And if he was drinking it’s going to be an uphill challenge to get anyone to believe his version of events.
If it were my kid I’d get him into counseling. Document every interaction. If you have any evidence of harassment or stalking at all file charges with the police. If the girl does file charges with the school the police report will help him. The personal documentation without the formal police report won’t.
Related to the frat decision - frats often want to maintain relationships with specific sororities. Sororities will generally support the girl, regardless of whether there is proof or she is unbalanced or whatever. Some sororities will refuse to associate with frats where a member has been accused of assault. As a result, to maintain the sorority relationship, the frat must decide either to support their member (unlikely if the member is new) or expel him.
I’m sorry your son is dealing with this. As others, including the pastor, have suggested - a drinking club may not be the best choice going forward. It sounds like there are a ton of other activities he can get involved with and I’m sure there are at least some where drinking is a secondary element.