Yeah thanks. I think it’s probably a good thing to have a break from the alcohol parties this semester anyways. Assuming the harassment ends this semester he can try to rush again with some different frats next fall if he wants. He needs to do some self-reflection and growing up now because he certainly had a huge roll in this whole mess, even if the girls went way above and beyond with their revenge.
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You always hear about how you need to teach boys and men how to treat women in an appropriate manner. But, I really think we also need to teach our daughters how to treat men and boys in an appropriate manner as well. All of our kids boys and girls need to be taught what is and is not appropriate.
This girl has some issues. She did not act in a rational and mature way. If I heard my daughter was acting this way, she’d be in big trouble.
I’d say get your son into counseling, as others have suggested. I’d suggest also getting legal help. What this girl is doing is very wrong and she needs to be stopped.
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With regards to the fraternity, he’s not a brother yet, correct? Just rushed but hasn’t pledged? If that’s the case, they really don’t know him yet, unfortunately. OP, I’m sorry you son is going through this, one of my daughters had to deal with bullies freshman year of high school (she was dating a junior who’s ex was a senior and part of a mean girl group). The school actually contacted me about it, interviewed witnesses, suspended the girls, and then it just escalated. My daughter refused to stand her ground and just waited it out. The school meant well, but they are pretty powerless outside of school.
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Yep agree 100%
She didn’t go to the authorities or report and only seems to be using the word “assault”. Very generally so. Just baiting everyone. Not saying “rape” or anything else but when a girl says “assault” we all know what is implied, unfortunately. So, the OP son needs to damn well stand up for himself and not to these jerks, but go to the university police or city police and contact and attorney and get a restraining order against this chick. Enough is enough. Yelling and screaming does happen during fights. He can be saying she assaulted him too. Just because he is a male, doesn’t mean she didn’t assault him. He should not let this psycho off the hook. She will not stop as she is clearly stalking and harassing him and can’t get over him.
Who was the one that finally ended the relationship? I would guess the son. ANd if so, that’s why this all makes sense. He came to his wits and she will make his life miserable making up all this garbage. He dodged a bullet with her. Unfortunately for someone else she needs to find another victim, but unfortunately if your son doesn’t report her, she will do this to someone else. He is a victim and he needs to report her.
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Did he ever ask what she was referring to with the assault? Talk to her one on one, face to face? I’ve have had 5 teens, a couple pretty much tell me everything, including incidents that happened due to drinking (way too many), and many involved kids not realizing things they said or did, or them remembering things wrong. Maybe he said something he doesn’t remember, maybe she thought he said something that he didn’t. Maybe it’s a huge misunderstanding.
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Oh my gosh, the last thing I’d do is to encourage my son to talk to her 1:1. She has already showed her colors. I trust that she will be the same, true to her beliefs. So, I’d tell my son to never be alone with her nor her friends alone. Sorry to be so strong minded, but…
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Sent you a private message. Be very wary of going to the school about this. Title IX issues. Get a restraining order through the courts instead.
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So far so good. It’s been a few days since the frat party incident and since my son moved and went invisible on social media, and he has heard and seen nothing from the girls. One of the gang of eleven did text him asking why he had moved, and he was honest and basically said that the situation felt extremely toxic and he needed to get away from all of them. That individual wished him well, so at least one of them is letting it go. The two most aggressive girls cannot stay out of drama, so if my son isn’t around to be a victim, they will most certainly move on to new dramas that don’t involve him. Hopefully this will be the end of it, and since it’s a pretty big school I’m hoping he can just start over socially. He’s already made a few new friends. Fingers crossed!
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I believe that @hanna is no longer active on CC, but if you google her name and college counsellor you will find her website. She is an attorney specialising in cases like these.
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As someone that is currently in a fraternity, I suggest to not rush a fraternity at this school until the problem is solved and these girls who falsely accused get punished for it, because as long as your son is painted as the antagonist there is a very slim chance he will actually be a brother in any of these fraternities, because even if they know that he isn’t the bad guy in this scenario, the females that attend parties will and for fraternities to keep a good party ratio they can’t have a pledge painted with an “assault” accusation pledging in their org. The truth is image is literally everything for a fraternity due to fundraisers, charity events, and community services. I really feel bad for your son, because it is sadly very common to be accused of some sort of accusation by your ex girlfriend or fling that will give you a bad image when you’re pledging for a greek org or being a student athlete, they do this to “pray on your downfall” as us youngins would say
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I just read a couple of comments and see that what I said has already been addressed but please make sure that these girls get called out for their false toxic accusations, because as a guy myself I would hate walking around campus knowing some students falsely believe that I’m some villain who puts down girls.
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He should not have further communication with the girl who texted him. He needs to stay away from the group that did this. Just because she was not a main perpetrator, doesn’t mean that she’s not still in the thick of it with those who were. That text communication was very likely forwarded to the main perpetrator.
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Best to avoid any & all communications with any member of the Gang of 11.
Because we do not know all of the facts, it is best to minimize the situation by moving away & avoiding contact & communication with any of the stalkers.
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Can he ask the person who reached out to him what he is being accused of? This is not a normal situation.
Glad he is doing better. He seems to have dealt with the situation and will hopefully find his people and make new friends. IMHO the suggestions to get the college or courts involved is full of risk. It is essentially his word against hers and it sounds like she has more allies. At a school that big, he should be able to find his place, away from this group and hopefully away from any frats (since it sounds like the group of 11 go to the frat parties). Good luck!
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– mjkacmom - yikes. a freshman girl having to stand up to senior mean girls? That sounds hard. so much difference between 14/15 and 17/ 18. One is considered juvenile, minor; the other adult. Sorry that happened to her.
and to OP; i am sorry about this all for your son. I think one good thing is that it is a large university. I also think that things really change between freshman year, and junior year when kids can go out to the bars, and arent as invested in greek life. Might be dicey between now and then, but i dont think things will stay the same as now. fingers crossed for your son.
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I know it’s been said already but your son needs to cut ALL contact. Delete the contacts. The girl was probably fishing for info as to where he was now living. It wasn’t because she was worried about him that’s for sure.
My son told us years ago about some crazy ex-girlfriend of a friend of his on campus who sat out next to his car screaming at the top of her voice about who knows what. Said it could have been funny except it was more scary than anything. She eventually gave up but who knows? Social media has just gotten worse over the years. People are nuts.
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That’s a bad situation to be in. Mistakes were definitely made, and I’m quite sure they went both ways…and who is to say that she wasn’t the real culprit. Of course, we don’t know exactly what went on. There’s just too much animosity to get a complete story. The disturbing fact, is that your son now has a target on his back. Depending this other woman, this could turn bad very quickly, or it could settle down. From what I see, it seems the common denominator is the partying. They usually attract the same people, which is quite literally what happened. Maybe it’s time get an apartment off campus and make new friends completely.
Also, transferring may not be a bad idea. A Title IX assault allegation, regardless of fault, can have devastating consequences. And it may be wise to discreetly transfer before the situation gets any worse. Things seem to have gotten out of control already. Either way, he needs to stop with the partying and underage drinking, or the same problems are going to keep happening. Also, social media has no power to harm if you’re not connected to it.
Thanks everyone. Yes we suspected that the person who texted him might have been fishing for information, and my son did not say where he had moved to.
I really don’t know what will happen if he tries to rush next fall with some different frats. I doubt there was any report made, and my older son who was an officer in his college frat does not think there is likely to be any inter-frat blacklist for the whole university. Also, the girls in question normally do not attend frat parties…they had spied on his rushing activities (he was still trying to be friendly with a few of the less awful members of the group of eleven at the time, and he shared information he should not have shared in retrospect), and the two most vindictive girls went out of their way to contact the frat he had chosen and attended their party specifically to sabotage my son.
The thing is, I can’t justify sending him to the more expensive college just so that he can be in a frat next year, though we will certainly pay more and transfer him if the harassment continues. But if it’s only to try to guarantee a hassle-free rush and pledging frat experience, that doesn’t make financial sense to us, since the transfer school is significantly more expensive.
As long as the harassment ends now, I think he can take a chance and attempt to rush next fall with some different frats. He could even try to attend a few parties later this semester, just to see how he’s being received. If it’s a scandal and people are calling him out as a monster, we would want to know that, since it would be a bad sign for rushing next year or even staying at this school.
OP- don’t let the tail wag the dog. The goal is not to find a place where your son can pledge a frat; the goal is for him to get an education AND make friends, have a social life, explore interests outside of the classroom. There are plenty of ways for him to contribute to campus life without joining a frat. And there are plenty of parties that are NOT frat sponsored. This only becomes a scandal if he stays in the bubble of people who think something happened and continue to push it. There are thousands of students on campus who have never been inside a frat, don’t know any of these young women, have no clue about rushing and frankly- don’t care.
Agree he needs to cut off all communications with this group of 11. No electronic/digital trail, no possibility of “he said she said” if he just refuses to engage.
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