<p>How do you handle the situation if your child didn't into any frats at a frat dominated school?</p>
<p>I know he probably feels bad (and that's part of what I hate about frats/sororities), but I'd probably breathe a sigh of relief.</p>
<p>I'd pop open a bottle of champagne and celebrate.</p>
<p>Mom, you might want to search for Fredo's similar situation with her daughter last year. I don't share the other posters complete disdain for frats, but I was an independent myself back in the day so I don't have any personal experience with that particular sting of "rejection."</p>
<p>I don't know what a parent can do, but I know students who transfered after not getting into their desired frat (or srat) they felt socially out of it.</p>
<p>Is your question about how to go through the process of obtaining a bid later.......housing for next year? Social outcast syndrome? How to help your son with rejection or all of the above. I realize that many folks here are telling you to celebrate but this is really about your son am I understanding your questions?</p>
<p>It's ok to be at a frat-dominated school and not be in a frat. Frat parties are usually open to everyone, so you don't miss much in that respect. </p>
<p>Does his school have selective living groups (foreign laguage dorms, music dorms, etc.)? These give you a sense of community without the possible drawbacks of frat life, so they might be better in the long run.</p>
<p>Not getting an invite to your best friend's birthday party cannot be salved by joining a nerd patrol.......just remember that many of this guys friends may have received bids, leaving him out in the cold....always a guest. It can hurt kids a great deal. Make studying hard and now he has to arrange for housing for next year.</p>
<p>"I'd pop open a bottle of champagne and celebrate."</p>
<p>Does anyone else see the irony in this? How is it that an adult can open a bottle of alcohol and "celebrate", yet a frat boy will tap a keg and binge drink?</p>
<p>Momwithquestions:
I'm not sure what you mean by a frat dominated school. Many schools are thought to be "frat dominated", when in actuality less than 30% of the male students on campus may actually be fraternity brothers. I think you can remind your son that there are still many students who do not belong to a fraternity on campus, and that there are many other activities that he can get involved with. My S has found many friends through non-fraternity activities, such as club sports and other organizations. He has more in common with some of these guys, and they tend to socialize together as well. He actually pledged a fraternity as a freshman, and decided it was not for him. Both he (and his current roommate) quit. They still seem to have a pretty good social life, and S is dating a wonderful girl he met on campus. She may even be a sorority <em>gasp</em> girl who doesn't drink........</p>
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Does anyone else see the irony in this? How is it that an adult can open a bottle of alcohol and "celebrate", yet a frat boy will tap a keg and binge drink?
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<p>I'd include son in the champagne celebration.</p>
<p>Without getting into the (endless) debate that always pops up on this forum when it comes to the Greek system, I'd look at Fredo's thread from last Fall -- similar situation, but with a sorority. </p>
<p>Momwithquestions...you beat me to it. My S is going through the same experience as we speak. He's hurting, so I'm hurting and though I've told him, "It sucks, but you'll get through it" I'm not sure he believes that today. Maybe tomorrow. Hazmat, you've nailed it. That's the situation in a nutshell.</p>
<p>There's always next year. My son didn't make it into a frat on his first try. The next year he tried again and made it. With another year he had more of a chance to develop a group of friends, go to frat parties, etc. OK, he moved to the frat house in his junior year rather than his sophomore year, but he is happy he didn't give up on something he really wanted.</p>
<p>Maybe with another year of maturity, he realized that not getting in wasn't the end of the world and went into rush without the same desperate need to please. Second time around, he took the attitude, "well, I'm checking you out too ... if you don't want me, I probably wouldn't want you either."</p>
<p>Sad as it is.....the learning curve for rush is steep.....too steep for some kids. Much of the process is about knowing thyself, selling thyself and estimating the atmosphere. These are all things that require introspection and acceptance of self. Unfortunately those who haven't mastered it are those who hurt from exclusion the most. It is a hard thing. At this point the best thing to help someone, your sons, is to listen, listen, listen. Telling them how great they are and that the house is the one losing doesn't cut it this soon. Save it for your adult conversations. Think of be a friend to have a friend, think of plans for your sons that include making connections w/ other interests.</p>
<p>Sure there's always next year, sure you can always go to the parties as a guest, and sure not everybody at the school is in a fraternity, but nonetheless, this is a personal rejection that hurts :-( Just be supportive and remind him what a great guy he is and suggest that he get involved in some other extracurricular activities at school to meet new people. Hanging around with all of his friends that have gotten into the fraternities might be a constant reminder to him which wouldn't be good. Hang in there -- this too shall pass.</p>
<p>Momwithquestions & Runnersmom,</p>
<p>I am sorry that you and your kids are going through this. Yes it does hurt and you do hurt for them. Are your kids freshmen? I think this can be hard on them because the bid process is about networking and meeting a lot of people in a short period of time. </p>
<p>Like warblersrule said at most schools most parties are open to everyone so your son will nto be social outcasts.</p>
<p>I do think that rushing freshman year puts those that do not have siblings or friends who are already in the frat at a disadvantatge. In addition, I don't think that it does give potential pledges enough time to really get to know something about the frat. </p>
<p>I think not being selected this year although painful, could be a good thing because it now gives your sons more time to check out the frat to see if this is what he really wants to pledge. It also gives your son more of an opportunty to know the brothers, especially those friends who have already been admitted because they will be in a position to spark (speak) on your sons behalf.</p>
<p>Whether or not you son decides to go through the process again, becomes or does nto become a member of the frat I think the important thing to remind your son is that he is not defined by the frat. It may/may not be something he is a part of but it is not who he is.</p>
<p>It also may help your child to know that many kids are taken in as legacies to a given frat. If you have a relative that was a member of a fraternity, even if it was a different chapter at a different college, that kid gets an automatic bid (I think that's the terminology). At any rate, there's extra consideration there. That limits the number of spaces left for other pledges. Maybe knowing this will lessen the sting of rejection for your S or D.</p>
<p>Thank you all. Though still upset, today is a much better day. Hazmat, you're right. It was too soon for all the "adult" platitudes. He called me on it immediately, "no psycho-bable now Mom, maybe later." But this is a guy who from day 1 on his campus made tons of friends, is involved in EC's he loves and has already moved on to whom he will live with next year now that the fraternity is out of the question. He still would like to be part of that "ready-made community" however, but he will take his time and decide whether it's still what he wants next fall. If so, and he wants to put himself out there again we told him we will support him, as always. He knows what a great kid we think he is, and how much we love him. The fact that he called us immediately is testament to that. Neither my husband, nor my older son participated in rush, so we really had no frame of reference for this. Last night I was probably as upset as he was, today I know he'll be ok...</p>
<p>Nobody wants to be the puppy NOT chosen.......or the mommie of that puppy. I'm sure you were ready to go after those boys who hurt your pup, that is natural. You are wise to support your son and let him be the guide on whether he rushes again. Listen, listen, listen is the key. In time your son may hear more grousing from his friends who have obligations, obligations and feel a little bit of buyers remorse. They will complain to your son because they cannot complain to their brothers. You will ultimately hear this too. Patience and a big tolerance for listening are the best skills the moms of Frosh boys can learn. It will long be remembered by your sons.</p>
<p>I am glad today was better. I join the rest that say next year will give him more time to find and be a part of a nice group.</p>