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161

<p>@NikhilPrabhu</p>

<p>First of all I would like to say that you have greatly improved. Congragulations!</p>

<p>Here are several things you can work on.
-A third supporting example would be good as your essay is a little short. (You mentioned Bilbo Baggins in your intro but didn’t talk about him in the supporting paragraphs)
-Grammar: For example, in the following sentence, you made a parallelism error. </p>

<p>New experiences shed light on things one never knew about oneself and this helps him to understand himself .</p>

<p>Overall a good essay that in my opinion should get a 7 out of 12.</p>

162

<p>Are people too willing to agree with those in charge?</p>

<pre><code>People are willing to disagree with people in positions of authority when they strongly believe that the government is not serving their best purpose. Take for example, Rosa Parks, who disagreed with a bus driver during the segregation of Africans in America, or Gandhi, who, through civil disobedience, showed his disagreement to the English or Galileo who disagreed with the church about what was a the center of our solar system.
</code></pre>

<p>As shown by Rosa Parks, people are willing to disagree with people in positions of authority. In December of 1955, Rosa Parks, like every other day, was coming back from work with the bus. At the time, the buses, were separated in different sections; one for African americans and the other one for whites. On that day, the bus was almost full so the bus driver asked the bus driver asked the black people of the bus to give up their seats so that more white peopsle could sit down. However, Rosa Parks, who felt like the authority was not being fair, refused to stand up despite several warnings from the bus driver that she would go to prison if she did not abide by the rules. Ms Parks did go to jail and she ever lost her job but her sacrifice inspired many African Americans who were tired of racial discrimination. 3 days later, a boycott was organized by the black people of Montgomery and the authorities were forced to modify their regulations. Therefore, this example shows that yes in fact people are willing to disagree with the people in positions of leaderships.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by Gandhi, a government will eventually be forced to modify its policies to better suit the populations. Gandhi believed in civil disobedience, or the refusal to obey to unjust laws. When India was the Raj, the English controlled many of its resources, in particular salt. Indians were not allowed to sell salt, but Gandhi deemed this law unfair so he marched to the sea. Along the road, thousands of Indians joined him in his march. When he finally arrived to the sea, he took some salt and went back to the nearest market to sell it. Of course, he was arrested for defying the authorities but his actions inspired many other Indians to do the same. Thus, after taking a look at this example, we can see that unjust laws can cause people to disagree with unjust laws.</p>

<p>In the 16th century, the church controlled a big aspects of the population’s lives. For instance, they forced people to believe that the earth was at the center of the solar system and that everything else revolved around it. But one man disagreed. That man, Galileo, had observed the sky and found out that the sun was in fact at the center of the solar system. Of course, the church disliked this idea but Galileo remained adamant to his beliefs. The church tortured him, saying he was a heretic but Galileo didn’t budge. Hence, through Galileo’s life, we can see that with adequate reasons, one might disagree with a person in authority over a widely held view.</p>

<p>To conclude, after a careful analysis of the lifes of Rosa Park, Gandhi and Galileo, we can clearly see that people will not be stopped by people in positions of leadership. These people made huge sacrifices to stand up for what they believed and they were definitely not scared of the authority’s opinion.</p>

163

<p>I would give it a 3 or maybe 2/6 . Firstly ,in your thesis, you haven’t clearly showed whether you agree or not to the question given . And more importantly , you haven’t elaborated on why you agree . You should have said something about WHY people are not willing to agree to those in charge , and give examples to support that .
Your conclusion ,and your examples talk about sacrifice and not being scared of authority . This is Not at all related to the assignment question .
You should read the question more clearly , and see what it is really asking .
Anyway , thanks for grading … and good luck !</p>

164

<p>Thanks @NikhilPrabhu for your constructive comments…</p>

<p>Anyways here is another essay that I just wrote. I wasn’t that familiar with the topic, maybe it shows maybe it doesn’t. Please grade it and tell me what you think. I’d be happy to grade yours in return.
Thanks!</p>

<p>Have modern advancements truly improved the quality of people’s life?</p>

<p>Modern advancements or new technologies have had many negative effects. True they have caused some benefits but they have mostly been a source of harm. There impacts on the environment and on how we think outweigh the pros and, on the long term, negatively affect people.</p>

<p>A couple decades ago, Henry ford invented an automobile that was affordable to most people. People immediately got attached to it and the product was an instant success. Today there are more than 1 billion cars roaming around the planet. Although cars have made our lives easier, they have caused close to irreversible damages to the environment. Because they release carbon dioxide, cars cause severe damages that lead to global warming and ozone depletion. Global warming causes a chain of events, starting with rising sea levels, that will negatively impact our lives. Therefore, as we can see from this example, modern technologies do not always improve the quality of life of people.</p>

<p>When the internet started, it consisted of a small number of websites. Today, it consists of so many websites that the number can simply not be determined. Google, the search giant, once said that it had only categorized 5% of the internet. With such a big number of websites providing multiple resources, humans should feel like it has improved their lives, right? However, the internet, according to several studies, had made people lazy. Instead of actively searching for information, they simply accept the first link that pops up wether it be false or not. In the past, people would look for information in an active manner, that is they would consider several resources and critically assess them. However, today, they have lost that motivation that pushed them to want to know more. They are less willing to learn and less cultured. This laziness has resulted in a lower quality of life because people do not think anymore about the information they are given.</p>

<p>To conclude, through the rapid growth of the car industry and the launch of the internet, we can see that although modern technology provides some short term benefits, on the long term it will negatively impact the well being of people by either destroying their environment or by destroying their thinking abilities.</p>

165

<p>Hey, I am taking the SAT in May. Please have a look at my essay.</p>

<p>The Question:
What is your view of the claim that the majority of a nation or a group of nations must be empowered?</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<p>I believe that the will of the majority does play a huge role in establishing a democratic government but at the same time, there are a few aspects of governmental administration that would best be left to the experts. The majority is an important factor but should not be empowered to such an extent that it can operate decisions that are crucial to the country. The Indian governmental system underscores the negative aspects of giving the people too much power and the example of the UN Council’s VETO system shows why the rule by majority is needed in most situations.</p>

<p>In a country like India, the population is very large and a vast majority of the population is illiterate. In such a situation, giving the majority the power to decide the course of action to be taken by the government would be a great foolery. Thus, care must be taken so that matters of national importance are not endangered. </p>

<p>While India has been one of the well known democracies in the world, it has not necessarily been a very successful one. Protests, rallies, disputes, fights in the parliament, strikes by professionals, etc., demonstrate this fact. The country, though democratic, has chosen to empower the people and most of the people in the country are gullible and capricious as they see only to their immediate benefit; this results in their making wrong decisions that are trivial for the functioning of the government. This shows that rule by majority can play out to be a disadvantage to the administration of the country.</p>

<p>On a different scenario, the United Nations council, known for upholding the true spirit of democracy and helping numerous nations around the world to facilitate properly, has not attributed its principles to its own administration. That is, it has a VETO system implemented that gives preference to specific countries to be able to manipulate the decisions made by the council and stop their progression if they so choose. I feel that this is not true to the spirit of rule by majority and has proven to be a great disadvantage to various underdeveloped countries. This exemplifies the fact that since the majority of the countries that are restrained from the VETO system, they are facing a scenario disadvantageous to them and hence this system must be eradicated.</p>

<p>On a conclusive note, the examples of India and the UN Council show that the rule by majority and democracy must be supported but along with that the empowerment of the people and the rights that they can exercise must also have some limitation so that the entire nation or group of nations can function in a smooth and unhindered manner.</p>

166

<p>Does the process of doing something matter more than the outcome?</p>

<p>With all my deep deliberation, I strong support the idea that the process of doing surely means more than the consequence. The process can provide us lifelong-lasting characters like confidence, braveness, and persistence, whereas outcomes can only satisfy us in such a transient moment.</p>

<p>From the process, one can gain benefit like persistence. Susan. B. Anthony, the main leader of the Civil Right Movement, had devoted all her life for women 's right for vote, but gotten even no result. On all her life process, you may find amazing insistence even regardless of nonconsequence of her endeavour. She herself firstly published a women 's right magazine in 1961, but this magazine bankrupted . Although had lost 100,000USD, she still continuously made speeches through the USA. Then she was arrested for almost 2 months by the government . After setting free, she managed to make a institution for her movement. Although she never accomplished her goal before death, her persistent action inspired all the latter movement leaders like Mary Stone and common people not only to insist on the movement the last second, but also persistently pursued their own goal even after the movement, for a whole life. After her story was recorded in the text book nowadays, her persistence in process influence newer generation for the same effect.</p>

<p>I myself has such unforgettable memory to emphasis the importance of process–the process provide me confidence. When young, I was always derided by classmates after my twice failure in experiments:" You have no talent in operating experiments, since you are so clumsy-handed!" Since then, I began to fear of doing it, and never touched apparatus again. Nevertheless, once, my chemistry teacher Mr. Daisuke invited me to help him, and I must obey. Surprisingly, I did it coherently under his eyes! I could use my left hand to put every glass apparatus in a no better place. At the same time, my right hand can add some CuSO4 to that bottle accurately. I got tremendous confidence for this process, and the result of this experiment mattered less in my eyes. I was fearless in it since then.</p>

<p>As for Susan, it is her persistence in process inspires people to insistently pursue goals for life long. As for me, had not been the process, I could not have quited my fear away for life time and gain confidence.</p>

<p>PLEASE!!THX VERY MUCH</p>

167

<p>Prompt:Is it necessary to know the events of the past to understand those of the present?</p>

<p>It is crucial to know the events of the past in order to understand those of the present as it enables us to draw parallels and find similarities and differences which help in making more efficient and responsible choices as we are aware of our past failures. Several examples from literature, sports and history support the notion that an awareness of past events allows us to fully comprehend current situation. This knowledge allows one to realize the consequences of one’s actions and the possible outcomes of the situation.
Through the actions of the visionary Indian industrialist, Dhirubhai Ambani, the founder of Reliance industries, we can see how his knowledge of the nature of Indian politics and past attempts to curb the growth of private industries helped him overcome adversity. When Dhirubhai returned from Aden in 1922 to India as an enterprising cotton textiles dealer, he witnessed the difficulties faced by other industrialists looking to expand. This prior knowledge helped him devise a plan through which he could escape the crippling clutches of the Indian ministry for textiles and jute and successfully establish one of India’s largest private corporations. Thus his awareness of the past events helped him plan ahead as he had been aware of the possible objections.
Manchester United, the most successful club on English soil, displayed that an acute awareness of past events aids us to overcome future obstacles. Rocked by Manchester City’s rise to the top, the club was said to be in crisis and on a rapid downwards spiral. However, Sir Alex Ferguson, their manager knew better and did not make any rash moves in the summer that ensued, the summer of 2012.This season, Robin VanPersie’s goals have propelled them to the title in record time. When quizzed later, Fergie revealed that he had withstood similar surges in 1992 and 1995 and this experience aided him greatly in making efficient decisions. Hence his prior knowledge helped him stay calm and as a result, make the right calls.
In the play, Blood Wedding by Garcia Lorca, prior experience of blood feuds helped the bride groom’s mother deal with her loss and almost even expect tragedy when the feud began. Since these blood feuds were common place in Andalusia, she had been aware of the consequences of such an event.
We can see that awareness of events in the past indeed aid our comprehension of current events through the examples of Ambani, United and the Blood Wedding.</p>

168

<p>Hi, the question is “Do people learn who they are only when they are forced into action?”</p>

<p>Most of the time, people’s lives revolve around comfortable routines, and as they are not greatly challenged, they have no opportunity to discover the limits of their ability. However, when they meet with a challenge that forces them into action, their character is revealed through their reaction to the situation, through the steps that they take – or do not take – to solve their problem.</p>

<pre><code>This type of revelation of character can be seen in works of literature, among them Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Hamlet, the young prince of Denmark, is grieving his father’s recent death when his father’s ghost appears and reveals that Hamlet’s uncle, the current king, had murdered him. He charges Hamlet to avenge his death. Although Hamlet decides to obey his father and kill his uncle, he procrastinates and often seems to not be able to make up his mind. Thus, Hamlet’s insecurity and indecisiveness are revealed when he is challenged.

History also offers examples of how character is revealed when people take action. Martin Luther, a German monk who initiated the Protestant Reformation, demonstrated his integrity when the Catholic Church challenged his beliefs. Rather than surrendering to the Church, he fought against it, soon gathering his own followers. His reaction to this challenge showed his bravery and unwillingness to compromise his beliefs.

In these examples and many other situations, people reveal their character when they go into action. Their character could have been present previously, but it was not apparent because they had no opportunity or necessity to demonstrate it. In the face of a challenge one can back down, remain indecisive, or overcome the challenge, and one’s choice reveals who one really is.
</code></pre>

<p>Thanks!</p>

169

<p>Grade this too please</p>

<p>Do you agree that people need to keep secrets ?</p>

<p>Secrecy can seem to be an easy solution to avoid confrontation , but in the long run it causes more harm than it seeks to avoid.People usually keep secrets because they are afraid how other people react. However, the truth always comes out in the end, and it is better for one to face the music now, rather that fret over it until someone finds out.Furthermore, secrets lead to mistrust and confusion between people which often exacerbates the situation. To avoid such unnecessary hassle, people should be open and honest and discuss the issues in hand rather than hide them. Evidence of the success in this method can be seen in the RTI act, and with my cousin brother.
About ten years ago in India,people started demanding information about the working of the government in implementation of procedures.In 2005,the Right To Information Act was implemented ,which gave citizens the right to access information on ongoing procedures.Before the implementation of this act,government employees had the freedom to take advantage of the people by hiding information, causing undue suffering unto them.However,after the implementation of RTI,suspicious people could investigate records on their own in search of any discrepancies.This led to a better level of trust between the people and the government and has been a step forward in security of the citizens.
Another example is that of my own five year old cousin brother in light of my grand uncle’s recent death. A few days back, i was given the task of telling him that his grandfather had died. I had some slight trepidation over how he would react , but nevertheless i told him what had happened. On hearing the news , his first reaction was to call up his grandmother and console her. His parents and grandmother then talked to him about how death was a natural thing and nothing to be afraid of. Here, it is seen that telling him about what happened made him more informed and secure than the latter option ,which would have made him scared and confused .
From the examples of RTI , and my granduncle’s death, it is clearly seen that if all the information is provided to people rather than hidden there will be a much greater sense of security and calm than from temporary bliss in ignorance acheived through secrecy.</p>

170

<p>Here’s the prompt: Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present?</p>

<p>And my response: Memories are powerful components of the human psyche, in that the wield the ability to shape our future through the influence of the past. It is up to the individual whether they let memories run rampant, ultimately destroying their future, or that they coerce memories into being a guide to ultimately reaching happiness.</p>

<p>As a Vietnam war vet, my grandfather Johnathan (last name removed) always saw his grim past a soldier as a fortunetelling of the future- that it would be equally dismal. This came true when, ten years ago, PTSD took over his sleep, producing vivid nightmares of fallen comrades. Rather than controlling the influence his memories had on him, he let them overwhelm him, making his memories his present state of mind and spoiling the chance of a happy future.</p>

<p>Oppositely, I recently attended a seminar given by a five year prisoner of war in Vietnam, Dave Carey. Having recollected the torture, famine, and mental anguish of his time there, he remarked how he remembered his vivid hatred towards his captors was coupled by immense hopelessness for his future. NOw, looking back, he chooses to remember all the lasting friendships he made in those 5 years, consequently sweetening his memories as a POW. Being able to see this traumatic time as a positive influence in his life, he has hope that he will be able to conquer all he faces in the future with a perfect brightness of hope. </p>

<p>Memories are powerful tools in determining life’s course. Perhaps what is most powerful about them is that they are individual, each man to his own. Everyone has control over their memories, if they so choose to master them, and everyone can therefore pilot their future- be it towards despair or joy and prosperity.</p>

171

<p>Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way?</p>

<p>From the level of personal experience to that of widely held beliefs it is well-known and scientifically proven that, given a certain level of autonomy, people can accomplish more.</p>

<p>Not long ago, our English teacher gave us a three pages long essay assignment of commenting a poem. Following the task, there was a list of instructions and rules that suggested how we should do it. After carefully reading them and making a plan that stuck exactly to the rules, I took a piece of paper, a pen and started writing. However, I soon got stuck right at the middle of the first page. After struggling for an hour to overcome the block, I realized that those strict rules I tried to follow were exactly what stood in my way. So I cleared my mind of them and suddenly there came this wild flow of ideas that barely fit the three pages.</p>

<p>Although my personal experience might seem insignificant, it was the same way of doing things their own way that led some great people to become who they are. Take for example Charles Darwin. Despite his parents’ wish that he become a priest, he followed the path of Science. Even there he did his own research with his own methods; he did things his own way. By that he not only received public recognition, but his findings and theories still flourish in the light of modern society, after such a long time.</p>

<p>Such particular famous examples led Dr. Maynard Brusnam to conduct a 25-years long research. Studying and questioning over 1 million workers, among which 80000 managers, he concluded that, indeed, a certain level of autonomy improved work effectiveness. Also, it saved time- a crucial factor in businesses, as “time means money”- because people did not have to constantly seek for approval. The study showed that good companies set high standards, but by being flexible about how employees met them, achieved a lot more.</p>

<p>Both the scientific and the personal approach show that there is a streak of individuality in each of us, striving to come out. However, by constraining it with too many dams and barriers it will eventually come to a draught. Therefore, it is important to let it flow mostly after its natural course to avoid such draught and to accomplish more.</p>

172

<p>Can use the help of anyone who wants to read it! Thanks :)</p>

173

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.</p>

<p>Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”</p>

<p>Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>In our society, it is often viewed as antisocial or rude to simply keep certain things to oneself. This notion is evident through popular culture as well as common interaction. Media portrayals of high school and college life in moves often denote the “cool kids” to be the more expressive, impulsive, and ultimately revealing characters, whereas the “weird” kids are often depicted as those who find solace in their own imagination, or who express themselves in any way that doesn’t involve getting wasted and taking off their clothes. As popular music videos, movies and television shows discern this revealing way of living as today’s societal norm, it becomes inherently clear that people should make more of an effort to keep some things private, or else this downward spiral of revealing and often sexually explicit “self expression” in the media will snowball until we are able to flick on a television set and find pornography on a major network.
If 21st century society can be defined by one facet of life, it is without a doubt the concept of image. Nearly everything in our society seems to be dictated by image as it is presented to us through mainstream media. For instance, over the years “gossip” magazines such as Seventeen and OK! have defined the ideal image of a sexy female. Unrealistic media representations such as those shown in these magazines have come to define us as a people, and this egregious idea of “normal” self-expression has had (and continues to have today) an enormous effect on all kinds of people.
For the past couple of months my school has been engaged in a debate regarding feminism and how gender can define ones place in society. Though women have seemingly always struggled for equality in our society, media objectification has never been a serious problem until now. One would presume that given the knowledge we have accumulated as a society over the last few decades, we would be making progress in an issue like gender equality rather than digressing, but sadly, for whatever reason, the latter has occurred. As long as overtly revealing, objectifying, and dominating images continue to dominate the media and define our generation, we will make progress neither with this issue nor with similar ones.
As the media has evolved in such a way as to subject people to certain ideals through commercials, TV, etc., we have, as a people, allowed for this to happen. As web goliaths such as Facebook, Twitter, and Google continue to collect information from everybody who signs up and agrees to their terms, we inherently forfeit any sense of privacy that we thought we still retained to products of the “confessional and self-expressive” culture defined by Velleman. As websites such as these go global, any possibility of keeping things private seems to be slowly vanishing. That being said, no effort to maintain privacy is in vain; numerous petitions to prohibit such websites from accessing and tracking our private information have become viral recently, and awareness is half the battle. The real question, however, is whether or not we can find and maintain a balance between social networking/media culture and privacy whilst retaining our integrity as independent people.</p>

174

<p>I am just starting to practice my essays. </p>

<p>Prompt:
Are there some heroes who will be remembered forever? Or are all heroes doomed to be forgotten one day? Plan your response, and then write an essay to explain your views on this issue. Be sure to support your position with specific points and examples. (You may use personal examples or examples from your reading, observations, or, knowledge of subjects such as history, literature, science.)</p>

<p>Many heroes walked our world, each of who are great for different, yet remarkable reasons. Many claim that no matter how grand their achievements may be, time will make us forget them; however, I believe that some people are just unforgettable. Those who make profound changes in our lives will constantly be reminded to us by their influence around us. Steve Jobs and George Orwell are among the heroes who would not be forgotten even after centuries. </p>

<p>Steve Jobs had started his company Apple, in his garage; Jobs’ innovation enabled Apple to come to fruition and he will be always remembered for it. Even after he died, Apple continued to exist, spreading Jobs’ influence over the globe. Two years passed since his death, but nobody forgot his existence. Time can efface people as long as they are not being constantly reminded. Thousands of people use Apple products, most of which are Jobs’ innovation. Thus Jobs is alive in our mind because his products are reminding us of his existence. Granted, those products might not be always be there, but in this digitalized era, no information just disappears. </p>

<p>George Orwell was a hero; one that called attention to and protested against possible threats and abominations of human society through his books such as Animal Farm and 1984; it is certain that those books will make him unforgettable. As a novelist and a journalist in 20th century, Orwell went against many things, but most importantly political oppression and injustice. His books embody his ideals and make him immortal. Orwell’s thought about Communism and totalitarian governments is alive in those books and by reading them and emphasizing with them, Orwell is remembered. Just like Homer, who died two thousand years ago, is remembered, Orwell will be remembered.</p>

<p>When someone becomes a hero, it means that he is recognized and approved. One person, a relatively small figure compared to human population, is remembered because they are worth the recognition and it will be hard for people to forget the value they acknowledged. Being a hero means that you get to be remembered.</p>

175

<p>Hi :smiley: </p>

<p>I too am preparing for the SAT and while I don’t think I am knowledgeable enough to grade your essay I will express my thoughts.</p>

<p>INTRO:-</p>

<p>IMO the phrases “faithfully obedient, does not challenge authority, never disagrees with those above him” are all extremely similar and one would be sufficient. I mean what’s the difference between does not challenge authority and never disagrees with those above him? Also, I feel you’re a bit wordy on some sentences, for example “However, it did not take long for it to become apparent that in contemporary society…” does not sound as good as “However, it soon became apparent that in contemporary society…” For me, the simpler, the better.</p>

<p>1st para seems okay.</p>

<p>2nd PARAGRAPH :-</p>

<p>“The power Shah Reza” doesn’t make sense. Did you mean powerful? Here again you seem to be adding unnecessary words for example “Iranian king.” You already mentioned that you were talking about Iran so IMO “The powerful king Shah Reza, whose family…” reads better. Also it should be “his people” not “its people” since you are talking about the dude, not the country. Also, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to make up political events and try to pass them off as real. Making up experiences is fine and probably recommended but trying to make up real life events…not such a great idea IMO. Otherwise this para seems okay…</p>

<p>CONCLUSION :-</p>

<p>“and that is because it is” sounds clumsy, why don’t you just write "
Challenging authority is a dangerous and risky affair, but it is essential." In the line “But this does not mean that it is not essential.” the double negative doesn’t read well, sounds confusing and isn’t clear. Why don’t you just say “But it is essential.”? Don’t complicate things, convoluted sentences won’t help you.</p>

<p>Hope you found this helpful and best of luck :)</p>

176

<p>If anyone wants me to look at theirs, please tell me :)</p>

177

<p>[Grade</a> my essay, honest opinions please! - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=15948116#post15948116]Grade”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=15948116#post15948116)</p>

<p>Please grade my essay, I would really appreciate it. :)</p>

178

<p>Does the cost of technology outweigh its benefits?</p>

<p>Technology is ever-changing. It is advancing at a breakneck speed today, but with its advance its prices are also touching the peak. But isn’t the cost a small price to pay for the benefits it reaps? In today’s world everything is expensive and technology is no exception. Therefore, the cost of technology does not outweigh its benefits. The statement will be supported by two recent examples- The NASA Mars Rovers and a very recent invention in batteries - the Super Capacitor battery.
Some technologies are ephemeral but most aren’t. The NASA Mars Rover ,though very expensive , is an undisputable leader in the NASA arsenal. It cost 104 million USD to manufacture but each and every dollar spent on it was worth it. In a world which is facing severe inhabitation problems, the rover comes as a boon. It analyses each and every part of the planet Mars, which is thought to be the only planet in the solar system that could be inhabited if Earth faces a apocalypse. There are sensors which analyse the presence of water, find precious minerals in the red rock and more importantly determine that is the planet suitable enough to be inhabited by human beings. Each and every kiloByte of data is relayed back to NASA where it is studied and summarised. Though the cost of the Mars Rovers may have emptied the coffers of NASA, it has been a blue chip investement. Its importance is undoubted because of the fact that in the distant future, human beings will need another place to live in. The rover is a output of sheer genius and the tax payer’s money and it has proved that its cost does not outweigh the benefits it reaps.
The previous example was about a reputed spacetechnology institution but the next example speaks about a recent invention which won a scolarship from Intel Technologies. The invention, known as the super capacitor battery, came up in a young scientist competition organised by Intel. though it won the second prize, it caught the eye of the CEO of Intel and today it is being produced in bulk all over the world. In today’s world,though mobile phones are an integral part of our ife, their extensive use drains the battery to an extent that it has to be charged regularly. the process takes upto 3 long and consuming hours where whe are left without the comfort of it. So a charger which charges the mobile in an interval of 30 seconds is sure to make news. but there was a catch, the charger cost 120 USD. a price too high for a charger. But the company decided to pursue it and it has been a grand success, its potential has been realised and now every tech company wants a piece of it. the sheer speed of the charger makes the price tag look very small. it has reached a pinnacle in battery charging and is less likely to lose that spot. This product enhances the statement that the benefits of technology outweighs its cost by a long margin.
in conclusion to the previous examples, it is justified to say that the world should invest in the potential of a wonderful technology no matter how expensive it might be. The benefits will produce a profit which will outweigh the investement. The examples of the Mars Rover and the Super Capacitor battery enhance the statement.
please can you grade it? thanks.</p>

179

<p>@armaana…</p>

<p>Your essay is a six or seven.</p>

<p>There are just too many wasted words and phrases:</p>

<p>—The statement will be supported by two recent examples- The NASA Mars Rovers and a very recent invention in batteries - the Super Capacitor battery.</p>

<p>—The previous example was about a reputed spacetechnology institution</p>

<p>—in conclusion to the previous examples, it is justified to say that</p>

<p>—This product enhances the statement that</p>

<p>…and quite a bit more.</p>

<p>Answer the question in the intro (which you have done) and in the body paragraphs explain WHY you’ve answered this way.</p>

<p>You could have said all this stuff using at least 20% fewer words.</p>

180

<p>Someone please grade my essay!
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=16003609[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=16003609&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;