<p>12) OP asks D to wait until sophomore year to decide (suggested a couple of times). Let bf choose a school and get settled in, and see if they still feel a need for one to transfer at Xmas of her sophomore, his freshman year.</p>
<p>12) is actually one that is more academically viable than many of the other options. Many Us don’t allow transfers except to those who are entering as JRs anyway. OPs D will be applying as an entering JR and have a better feel for how well she fits her U and major there. </p>
<p>Like the idea of leaving all the work of seeing to finances and whether credits will transfer and graduation in 4 years to the OP’s D, while maintaining Swiss neutrality bit is the kids life and Ed. She needs to jump thru the hoops if she really wants the transfer.</p>
<p>For long range love and long-lasting love to exist–the couple would want the best for each other–being apart a relatively short term is minor. A couple would want to be building for a future. As I see it, if a BF wanted me to leave a great school which would benefit OUR future–he’s not a future husband and not worth the time.
My roommate in college kept her BF from HS for 4 years while apart in different colleges–they built for a future–married 34 years now. They allowed each other to grow as individuals which is the best basis for any long term relationship.</p>
<p>I have 4 friends that the D’s transferred for BF’s. 1 of the 4 the relationship worked out. Tell her to be really, really sure because it is sad to be at a school you don’t love for a guy that doesn’t love you.</p>
He is trying to put schools on his list which are at least not further away than he already is now. It’s unlikely he can go to her school for financial reasons, not because he doesn’t want to be in the same place. </p>
<p>So far, I’ve told her: 1. the application process is up to her, we already went through it for her once; 2. we can’t afford a school more expensive than the one she is attending, so Harvard is out ;); 3. school B has to be ok for her even if they break up, so that teensy school in the middle of the cornfield is out; 4. they should make his list together to be sure the schools have majors she could see herself choosing (still undecided now) 5. school B should be ok for HIM even if they break up; 6. there’s to be no turning back or bemoaning having made the choice to move.</p>
<p>I expect to see him tomorrow, so I hope to get a read on his take on this idea. To me their relationship seems extraordinary. I don’t have words really to express that, but it doesn’t seem like the usual HS relationship. It would not be a surprise to us if it lasts.</p>
They started dating last November, when her applications were well under way. When she decided in April, they had really only been going out for a few months. Things have ramped up since then, obviously.</p>
<p>OP. you seem fairly invested in Ds relationship. Are his parents as supportive of their attending school together? If my Ds BF (of 2 years) parents discussed this topic with D I would feel pretty uncomfortable or angry or intruded upon. I really think respectful and loving neutrality will help the situation.</p>
<p>Any student who wants to transfer in September of her (or his) freshman year really needs to take a deep breath and calm down. Seriously, I don’t care if the reason is not liking her roommate or wanting to be with her boyfriend; she has not gotten time to settle in to college yet, make her friends, learn about the different professors, and enjoy the unique culture that her university offers.</p>
<p>If she wants to transfer, then ALL costs should be on her: applications, fees if scores need to be sent, seat deposit, any lost costs (e.g. housing deposits at the previous school), and any additional semesters/summer school. Make it known to her that you are not shouldering these costs -and most likely, her boyfriend isn’t going to chip in, either. </p>
<p>That said, my old-school feminist heart cringes at the idea of a girl throwing it all away for some dude. (If it’s a fiance or a husband, i.e. not “some dude”, then it makes more sense to sacrifice: you’re a unit and someday, he’ll sacrifice for you.) It strikes me as pretty pathetic. </p>
<p>Thing is, this isn’t going to stop at transferring - even if the relationship works out. So what happens when she wants a junior year abroad? (Will her school even let her get a degree if she’s only on campus for two years?) Will she stay in the States because her boyfriend will only be a sophomore and won’t be going with her? Will she hang around the college town after she graduates, waiting for him to wrap up senior year? Throw away job opportunities for the relationship? Eschew or delay graduate school? Will she give up ECs that conflict with time with him? Not apply for an internship in a city that he won’t be in? </p>
<p>Chicky needs to understand that she’s going to either give up a LOT or spend substantial time away from him, even if they end up married. Transferring isn’t the end of the sacrifices; it’s the beginning.</p>
<p>Even as the parent of adult children, I’d have been livid (or miffed, depending on the circumstances) if the parent of a significant other had discussed grad school, career, job transfer issues with my kid. I think there are some boundary issues with a 17 year old HS senior-- and having the parent of a girlfriend getting involved with the kid’s college discussion surely comes close to crossing that.</p>
<p>My now adult children have made life decision’s based on lots of factors, like anyone else. But getting advice from a GF’s parents about geography, visitation, etc. would have made my hair stand on end. regardless of how mature or special the relationship appeared to be from my perspective.</p>
<p>OP- You may find that studied neutrality is your friend, both for the sake of your relationship with this young man, as well as for your relationship with your D. Whether this relationship ends up enduring and this story of the college transfer is told at their 50th wedding anniversary celebration… or ends at Thanksgiving next year… your D will surely appreciate you backing away from the scene.</p>
nellieh and blossom I would really like to better understand your antipathy to having a significant other’s parents discuss his/her plans with your child. Can you elaborate on just what it is that would trouble you there?</p>
<p>Even when parents assume that the relationship is forever… until there is an engagement announced, it seems unfair? manipulative? excessively invested? for the parents of the SO to assume the role of a family member. So a casual, “how are the applications going?” said in the same tone that you’d ask the kid who cuts your grass is nice and polite and appropriate. But anything that gets close to influencing the list… a little presumptuous for a kid whose tuition you are not paying, no???</p>
<p>I agree that it seems presumptuous. They’ve been dating for just under a year and the bf is still in high school. I wouldn’t have this discussion unless there was an engagement and even then I would tread carefully and would probably be having the discussion with my kid and not the boyfriend/girlfriend.</p>
<p>Well, I agree with them so I’ll jump in. :)</p>
<p>This month, my ds and his gf will be dating for a year after having been good friends for a year or two before that. They elected to stay together in college even though they are more than 1,000 miles apart. When ds talked to me about what I thought they should do I told him you know my feelings on this matter (I have always thought and told my kids that if kids are going to different schools some distance away they should break up and be unencumbered, has nothing to do with this particular girl), but I also told him that it’s his relationship and that I’d support him whatever they decided. He asked me whether he should talk to his gf’s parents about it. That really took me aback. I think it’s a sweet sentiment – like wanting them to know his intentions – but I told him that I thought that that was totally unnecessary, that if y’all want adult guidance she should talk to her parents and you talk to yours and use those talks to inform the decision.</p>
<p>Mind you, this was two months ago, long after college decisions had been made. I absolutely wouldn’t NOT be happy if ds’s gf’s parents, as much as I like them, had tried to influence his college list. They don’t know our financial situation, and unless they plan on paying for him it’s truly none of their business. In fact, at one point the gf’s list had a lot more overlap with ds’s, but I think her final list changed dramatically with only one common school, the one she now attends.</p>
<p>Lastly, in your case, you are talking about a “significant other.” You obviously put a lot more stock in this relationship than most do, who would term this a HS relationship.</p>
<p>Xania, do you know this boy’s family well or have any idea if they are supporting this relationship in the same manner as you are? Unless you know exactly where they stand, I would tread very lightly on initiating a discussion with BF on his selection of colleges. As a parent, I would view that as way out of bounds.</p>
Hmm, I think that depends on the particulars of the situation. In this case, it’s fairly complicated and I don’t want to get into details of his circumstances here. </p>
<p>I would say that there are obviously LOTS of people giving our kids advice and influence on this subject - friends, guidance counselors with too many students to even recognize our kid let alone care, girlfriends/boyfriends, TV (“go army strong”), the tour guide with the cute butt, other students on the Chances forum… They have to filter through all that somehow and it often seems like the choices end up being rather capricious. </p>
<p>He may be more forthcoming with me. I’d like to get a sense of whether he has reservations about the idea of her transferring (as poetgrl mentioned above when their D didn’t feel like she could tell the bf no). In addition, if they have to pick a school together, then that IS my business, since we’re paying HER tuition.</p>
<p>Xania, do you not see that it’s really not your place to ascertain how the BF feels about your D transferring? Either the kids are in a mature relationship where they are both in a position to decide if they want to make lifestyle decisions based on the other… or they are adolescents who need parental input, advice, counsel, etc.</p>
<p>You can’t call it both ways, i.e. that the relationship is a very special one, likely to be of long duration, between two mature people, but that the young man is too immature to be candid with your D about his intentions, expectations, etc. AND MOREOVER-- that you can function as a parent or family member in advising him on college and his future.</p>
<p>You get to make financial decisions (or at least set financial parameters) for your own child. Agree with that 100%. But even “vetting” his list to make sure that the schools on it are ones that you could afford should your D transfer there, is WAY over the line in my opinion. Absent guardianship, a court order, abandonment, his emancipation, etc. it is really not the purview of the other adults in his life to be vetting his list. A guidance counselor gets paid to say, “You will not get merit aid at Wash U, so make sure your parents have run the aid calculators before you apply”. A guidance counselor gets paid to say, “NYU is likely to gap you, even if you and your parents think you will qualify for significant need based aid.” And of course, as you rightly note, friends say things all the time like “only morons and slackers go to XYZ college”. But you are not a HS friend or a guidance counselor, and asking friendly, generalized questions like “It’s so neat that you’re exploring aerospace engineering programs, do they have that at XYZ University” is fundamentally different from asking, “How can you be considering XYZ university if my D won’t qualify for merit aid there and we can’t afford it otherwise?”</p>
<p>See the difference? You’re an adult, not a peer, and if I were this kids parents I’m not sure I would welcome you vetting my kids list with your own D’s needs in mind.</p>
<p>DS has been dating someone for 7 years. Colleges were 800 miles apart. </p>
<p>We would not have dreamed of speaking about college with her, and we did not involve ourselves. She had her own parents to consult. I think it would have been presumptuous and offensive of me to suggest by my involvement that they cannot handle the situation appropriately, or that I have something to add that they lack. </p>
<p>How would you feel about DD consulting with his parents, whom you have never met, and getting their input, about her college decisions? What if they wanted to interview her to gauge how she feels about the relationship? After all, it would seem that since they are paying HIS tuition, where DD goes to college is THEIR business as well. </p>
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<p>I am having trouble reconciling these two statements.</p>