<p>xania you have more wisdom than most of your advisors, and that list probably includes me. They key thing I read is that you understand your daughter is a grown person with her own freewill and you cant control that. Trying to do so wont work and will erode your relationship. </p>
<p>I would tell her you support her in her relationships and want her to succeed in college. I would explain what natural consequence, if any, these decisions might have. I would offer your assistance/wisdom/suport as a parent who understands life is full of tough choices. </p>
<p>Just one observation. There are alternatives to transferring. If the school has distance learning, or if she has met the residency requirement, she can attend another school but graduate from the place she is going to now. Thats what I did, when I moved 1000 miles and finished my last semester of college in california to be closer to my girlfriend (now wife). </p>
<p>^ADad, there’s a difference between OP saying “You are not allowed to transfer because if you do we won’t pay your tuition at a different school.” and saying “We are only financially ABLE to pay $X, so you need to look at schools which will be less than or equal to $X.” </p>
<p>Several posters have already suggested that the budget needs to be made clear, assuming there is one. If the bf has a list of schools that the D couldn’t afford, that’s fine, but he might want to be aware of that as well.</p>
<p>I’m an adult now, but the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college I fell in love with the most incredible guy. I knew it was unlike any other love I, or anyone, could possibly know. We just had to be together. He was starting medical school 3000 miles away from my amazing LAC, which suddenly seemed not so amazing anymore. I could only find faults there and became obsessed with transferring to an Ivy which was in the same city as his medical school. My parents could do nothing to persuade me to stay at my LAC and agreed to let me transfer. So junior year I transferred to this amazing university with all these interesting people, including lots and lots of cute guys, one of whom really caught my eye. Within three months, the fun of the social scene at my new U far outweighed the undying love for the med school guy, and I had a new boyfriend who was THE most amazing love of my life. I actually dated him on and off for the next six tumultuous years, most of which included more long distance dating, but I am now happily married to neither of these wonderful people. There are all kinds of reasons my transfer turned out to be a good thing and all kinds of reasons I should have stayed at my LAC, but I will never be able to objectively asses the transfer because it was driven by immaturity.</p>
<p>If my own child were to find himself in this situation, I would refuse to pay for the transfer college. There are many sound reasons to transfer. A boyfriend or girlfriend is not one of them.</p>
<p>I think slurpee makes some good points. It’s probably not a popular opinion, but I would be highly unlikely to fund a transfer solely for a boyfriend/girlfriend especially in the circumstances the OP mentions.</p>
Does being an adult mean that you don’t ever need to get advice or counsel on anything?
I’m not sure “vetting” is the term I would use. You seem to be using it to mean that we would be saying we had to approve the list, which is obviously not the case.
Isn’t there something in between, like: “You should be aware that XYZ University is not a likely candidate for D. She may want to consider other schools in the same city as XYZ if that becomes a leading candidate for you.”
I’m not sure why I would mind if DD consulted with bf’s parents. She’s free to consult with anyone she finds helpful and to consider or ignore their advice. And they are certainly free to express their opinions or ask her questions about the relationship. The LIST of schools is their business to the extent that they are paying for him, whether he makes the list or she makes it or they both make it. Presumably she can tell them to buzz off if it displeases her. Can’t the bf do likewise?</p>
<p>It is interesting how your position has evolved in this thread from being an interested but purportedly helpless observer of your adult DD to one actively and unabashedly involved in advising DD and BF, assessing their relationship, and expressing willingness to control DD’s affairs via payment of tuition.</p>
<p>All I can say is that I wish you the best in acting contrary to the perspectives of so many here. As parents I suppose that many of us have disregarded advice and good results came of it. I hope that is the case for you, H, DD, and BF as well.</p>
When did I say that? other than that it’s necessary to establish that we can’t afford to pay more than a certain amount, it doesn’t seem all that controlling compared to what some other posters have suggested.</p>
<p>I don’t have any opinion about the OP discussing college with the boyfriend. “Discussing” can range from neutral conversation to downright pushing and bribing, and where things fall in that range, how can anyone judge. I’ve given my opinion on some things about colleges with any number of kids over time. </p>
<p>But sometimes when a situation is sensitive, it’s wise to proceed with caution and maybe avoid giving opinions. I have no idea where things are with this and Xaniamom is going to have to make that call. I think the posts here have laid out a number of scenarios, possibilities and dangers and they can be kept in mind. How anyone wants to proceed is a matter of judgement. </p>
<p>As for payment of college, I absolutely feel that finances should be brought out on the table in terms of limits of what parents want to spend when there is a transfer. Just as the budget should have been discussed and should always be something to discuss with the first college, so it goes with transfers. It’s not so much a control of affairs as it is what one is willing and able to pay for college. It might be ideal for someone to transfer to the exact same college as a SO or best friend, but if that college cost is out of range in terms of what the parents want to pay, it certainly is an obstacle.</p>
<p>Getting back to you I why I find You discussing college with bf inappropriate…
He has parents and others for that. As you well know there is much that goes into the list and ultimately where to apply. Academic. Social. And Financial inputs. I can tell you from experience that D had conversations with her BF parents who we know and respect agreat deal. They expressed some less than positive opinions on her list which was carefully assembled based on the above. We would have loved her to attend a ivy or more selective school but finances and her grades prevented that. We are proud of where she attends and feel it was a great choice for her. However D still feels the sting and judged even though she loves these people who are so otherwise welcoming. I can tell you when she relayed this I was not happy and felt they crossed the line. </p>
<p>Another thing to consider is it simply is not your place as the mom of his GF. It is her place only. It reads as if you want to interfere while at the same time are claiming you do not want to interfere. If you trust D to abandon her plans for the BF to the extent that you are investing time in this then you should trust that she will select the right school. </p>
<p>YDS and I may be in similar situations. My D also is quite a distance from BF and they are attempting to make it work. Like yds I have tried to emotionalky support them while remaining neutral on the dating. I wholly recognize that they love each other after 2 years of dating and many more of friendship. However the realist in me is dreading a break up that is highly likely. This is because the very special and loving relationship they have is bound to change as they grow into adults. The student that leaves for college as a freshman is not the one that comes home in the summer. </p>
<p>If D is going to continue down this path you may want to have a conversation with the BF parents. You probably do not want them blindsided by this. This is a way you can help that can provide more data to factor.</p>
Wow, first you say it’s not OP’s place to have any input, then you suggest she go OVER their heads to his parents. That kind of blows my mind. If she shouldn’t even concern herself with their relationship/school issue, why would she give a rat’s patootie what the ramifications are to HIS parents? I would have been furious with my mother if she had done something like that.</p>
<p>Xania, you said in your OP that you haven’t yet discussed this with your H, as you don’t think he will “take it at all well”. Seems to me that should be your first order of business. His input should be more relevant to you and your D than that of anyone on this board.</p>
<p>I have to post this question because I am beyond curious: If this relationship is so committed, how have you not met his parents? Is he keeping your dd secret because of cultural issues? That’s the most plausible explanation I can come up with as I have friends whose kids have been in that situation.</p>
<p>You don’t say-- the BF’s parents could be deployed in Iraq. The BF’s parents may have assumed that once the D left for college the relationship would end. The BF’s parents may have told their son that they don’t want him dating exclusively in HS.</p>
<p>IMHO a college freshman is NOT fully an adult. There isn’t a switch that flips at age 18.</p>
<p><strong>IF</strong> they BOTH want to be together, the obvious solution is for the BF to apply to HER school, or to one nearby. If he isn’t motivated to do that it should tell her something about him and his level of commitment. (Something that she probably won’t want to hear…)</p>
<p>I know there are many other explanations. I just said that that was the most plausible I could come up with because she has said “it’s complicated,” and I have multiple friends whose kids have been in that exact situation. His parents being deployed in Iraq isn’t “complicated,” IMO.</p>
<p>“IMHO a college freshman is NOT fully an adult. There isn’t a switch that flips at age 18.”</p>
<p>Though I agree that a college freshman, not to mention any number of young people, is not “fully” an adult in many, many ways, there is indeed a switch that flips at age 18, which is the legal one. Though in many cases, a parent can get a break on this, your child is legally a adult at age 18 and some things are just no longer under your control. For those who are not willingly cooperating with parents, the financial rein is all that works sometimes. </p>
<p>I’ve had to remind my kids many times that they are adults, (the ones who are) as many of them are not acting like they are. When they have their own lives and are out of my pocketbook,is when I will feel like they’ve grown up. </p>
<p>When it comes down to it in cases like this, it’s a family, parenting issue as to what the parents want to support finacially as well as in spirit. Many years ago, a dear friend of mine transferred from BU to U Nebraska to join her love, and her parents just cut her off, never mind that the cost would be a lot less. IF she wanted to make her own decisions that her parents did not want to support, then good by and good luck. They would talk about a wedding, but any other financial support was off the table unless it maybe in crisis mode. And that’s how it went down. She finished in 4 years there, part time and she and her SO paid for her education themselves. They did get married a couple of years after she finished school, divorced ten years later. And so it becomes part of the tapestry of ones life.</p>
<p>Well I certainly feel like I’ve gotten a lot of contradicting advice! But I do thank everyone for their contributions. cptofthehouse you are a born diplomat!</p>
<p>
His parents know about DD and have met her. They are even willing to let him drive to her school to see her. We have not met them yet. BF has issues with his parents, who are immigrants, and they make life fairly stressful for him from what he’s said. I feel like he sees our rather free-wheeling supportive family as an escape from the situation at home, and maybe doesn’t want to risk mixing them together.</p>
<p>H and I haven’t reached out to introduce ourselves (nor have they), as I feel that this is something D and BF should initiate. As in: “Mom can we host the BF parents for dinner at our house sometime so you all can meet?” I will likely hint at the idea if they don’t broach it pretty soon though :).</p>
<p>Eh, disagree on the “meet the parents” advice. Look, these kids are not married, engaged, or seriously talking about an engagement to happen soon. Do NOT treat this as a mini-marriage, complete with a family-shredding “divorce” if/when they break up. </p>
<p>It has been my experience that getting family involved in a relationship just makes things messier whe it doesn’t work out. I don’t like drama, and I don’t like adding family drama into the high emotions of ending a relationship. (I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and my parents have met him about three times. Yes, we all live near each other, so that isn’t the issue. Mostly, I wanted their gut-level check that he’s not a whack job, and having gotten that, don’t feel the need to play dress-up as married.)</p>
<p>You are also only making it difficult on yourself with this transfer situation. If you welcome him in like family, meet his parents, have summit talks with them about your kids’ relationship, then how in earth are you behaving like this is not some super-serious, almost-marriage thing which totally justifies your daughter throwing away her dream school? </p>
<p>If these kids wind up getting engaged, you will have plenty of time to get to know his family then. But do not forget that your D is in a position wherein she will likely be ending this within a matter of months, and should be making the best relationship decision for her, not one fueled by guilt or thinking that this is some super-special thing that can’t end.</p>
<p>I would tell her that you will not support this because you have seen soooo many high school relationships break up in college. And if she is the one in a million that won’t, then she has a strong enough relationship that would work if they are apart.</p>
<p>See: My SIL to transferred to her HS BF’s college but broke up. Hope you like being in Buffalo in the winter anyway!
See: My daughter’s friend who was smart enough for Oxford but went to his GF’s school and they broke up.
Right now the BF is focused on her because he is still in HS, but once he gets to college it will alll be different.</p>
<p>I tell my girls not to plan their life around anyone else until they are married and you are not ready to be married. Don’t pick a school with someone else in mind unless you would have gone their anyway. For example, my oldest DD is looking at possible grad schools. One would be Columbia that would be nearer her (actually as of last weekend former) boyfriend. But that would be a reasonable choice for her regardless.</p>
<p>I just wanted to come back and thank OP for answering my question. It doesn’t change what I would do (which is to not facilitate a transfer for dd for a HS relationship), but I do appreciate you answering why you hadn’t met the parents. I had a feeling it was a cultural thing.</p>
<p>But I did want to say I don’t think the two sets of parents meeting is such a weird thing, as others have indicated. When my kids were in HS and younger, I expected to meet/know the parents of anyone with whom my kids were spending lots of time. I just think that’s good parenting. I know my ds’s gf’s whole family, including the littlest sister. I would see them at ball games and such. No biggie. The dad and I really bonded over sports, and the mom and I were on the Project Graduation committee together. That said, the kids really wanted all of us – our entire families – to go to dinner the week ds left for college. For some reason, that kind of skeeved me out, but it was really fun. The mom didn’t know my older ds, and my dh didn’t know the youngest dd. I guess this was the kids wanting validation of their decision to stay together? I don’t know, but it was a fun, low-key thing.</p>