<p>Buckeyemom; You know that happens time and again. These terrific bright kids get a terrific full ride and they don't like the school. Happened with my oldest and now 3rd is turning down great merit awards too.
If you truly think she is in pretty good shape maybe you could be a little tough about insisting she stick out the year. Maybe appeal to her economical side. But you always take a risk I know. We just can't know how sensitive some people are. Just seems like she has some maturing to do and hasn't found her place yet there.</p>
<p>Njres--yes she is at OSU and those speeches were given for a shock value--didn't work--she still wanted to come home. Now she has had good days, a few exciting classes and I can hear in her voice that if there was someone or a couple people she could talk to hang out with she would more stick it out. SHe is socialable with familiar people--well, there usually are not familiar people at a college the size of OSU. We only live an hour away and she comes home once or twice a month. She actually enjoyed an aerobics class with one of the suitemates, but their schedules got busy so they never went back. Ive suggested making cookies and just walking in a suitemates room and offering and just start talking about movies, music, etc. something fun. Her roommate is anti-social likes the room door closed, hardly speaks, doesn't pick up after herself. She hardly leaves the room--but the blame can be placed on her. I suggested eating in the cafeteria, or going to the library. In my heart I know she can stick it out if she just gives it more time, but on the surface she is heading back home to go to WSU, which is not a bad school either.</p>
<p>well, heading off to bed--I will keep you all informed--send suggestions as they come to you!! Thanks again</p>
<p>Here it's Penn State and time and again I hear of kids who don't like it there.Maybe your daughter is too bright for the school. Another thing to do is hang out in the lounge of her major as there is more of a chance to find kids who she may have more in common with. Did she sign for a dorm room with someone from her major? I understand they do that now at larger universities- the rooming situation can be with people from the same major.
A bad roommate is a bummer. Chances are if she were to share her thoughts with others on her floor about her roommate, she would find sympathy.I remember having a bad roommate once in college and when I finally confided to others they said, 'oh yes, HER! Get away from her!" lol</p>
<p>Two suggestions-- first of all, she may be either just having adjustment issues, or she may be clinically depressed. I would be the parent here, and insist she make an appointment with the campus mental health services -- aat the very least she will have someone to talk to. What she is going through is common-- she needs to have that validated by someone who can discern if she just needs help adjusting, needs to look at transferring, needs a support system and an "ear" or needs a meds consult.
Secondly-- you have said you are a sounding board, but you have also said you give her this speech and that speech-- Rather than give speeches.. just LISTEN to her and be supportive of the ideas she comes up with. Within this, thought, you do need to suggest... or in this case be firmer.. thst she go to the counseling center. She sounds like a bright, self motivated kid who under normal circumstances would initiate contacts, activities, etc. If she is sad, withdrawing, not concentrating, sleeping either too little or too much, has a change in her eating habits, is tearful, feels hopeless, apathetic.. she is DEPRESSED and it needs attention. For a bright kid who starts to flounder, she can get caught in the cycle of sadness leading to poor academic performance, leading to self- depreciation, leading to sadness, and round and round. Intervene before it gets worse. And by the way.. thats what the RA's in the dorm are for. If she truly cannot speak for herself, exploring your options with them is the RIGHT thing to do. If she doesn't contact them or the mental health services on her own, you will have to step in and be a mom. After all, she is coming to you for help.</p>
<p>I think NJres gives sound advice. No one knows what is really going on with your daughter. If you can't get her to talk to someone in the mental health service at her school, someone who might help her sort things out and with whom she might feel free to speak about things that she might want to 'protect' you from, you have to go with your instinct. No one wants her child to be miserable. The range of causes - adjusting to being away from home for the first time to clinical depression - are just too wide for meaningful advice from anonymous people who don't know you or your child.</p>
<p>I agree with jym626's advice about seeking help from the counseling center on campus. It sounds as if the roommate is experiencing depression and that could be bringing your daughter down too. Encourage your D to make an appointment with the counseling center--perhaps you can call the center and request an appointment for her and give them some background. She may perceive that she doesn't have enough time for involvement in activities but once she gets a handle on her other issues, she may feel like she can fit in some activities which would connect her to the campus community and form friendships. It is painful to watch your child struggle--the first semester/year is a tough one for many kids and transferring may be the right decision but I suspect once she gets through this rough spot, she may feel differently. Best of luck to you and your D.</p>
<p>Ditto in contacting mental health services. If your daughter has depression, she might not know it. This is where you come into play. Please phone the school or go by and meet with someone. If you live an hour away, maybe she could talk to someone in your home town; but I would use the school's health services.</p>
<p>This needs to be taken care of today!!</p>
<p>Buckeyemom, I'm hearing a few things - first your frustration and your concern for your daughter - this will work out, you are helping, you need a hot bath, maybe some ice cream.
Next, I agree with Jym, it is time for you to step in a little. She may be depressed, maybe not, and as many parents have learned tragically, it can be hard for parents to get involved because of privacy concerns - I would call, someone in mental services or the RA, express your concerns and describe the situation. As close as you are to her you may be able to get her into a counselor locally, that would get you around the school stalling for privacy concerns.</p>
<p>having said that, I don't think she is seriously depressed, if she is sleeping, eating, and maintaining her grades, it is unlikely that she is dangerously depressed, although she may be emotionally depressed. She sounds someone at sea in a large school, with a bad roommate match and who is at a bad distance from home, neither fish nor fowl.
What I mean by that is that she is not close enough to maintain connections with the old gang, but yet too close to have that sink or swim, you've got to make it on your own feeling. This is the place to intervene as adult to adult, with the overlay of finances (that is, not purely as a parent, but another adult discussing a friend's future). If she comes home, will she have any more friends than she has now? If all her high school friends are gone, this may worsen the developing independence issue. To what extent does the size/fit of the school effect the situation - does she need to be at a smaller school, what does that mean to the finances? Clarifying her thinking on what her options are, and exactly what that will mean to her, may energize her to change her current situation (dump that roommate) - she may realize she will be worse off coming home. Good luck to you, you have touched on my new worry for my daughter when she goes off in the fall.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, if she is over 18, the counseling center may not be able to talk to the mom without the daughter's permission, due to confidentiality rules. However, if the daughter hasn't contacted the counseling center yet, the daughter isn't yet "technically" a client there,and you may be able to get some guidance from someone as to what to do. Best is to get your dau to get an appointment and have your daughter sign a release of information sot that the folks in the center have permission to talk to you. The RA's aren't bound by the exact same cofidentiality rules, so if your daughter can't or won't got to the counseling center, but doesn't feel any better, I'd call the RA and start form there. They will talk to you. Again, that is what they are there for, and hopefully they can get your daughter to the counseling center, where her situation, feelings, etc can be accurately assessd, and interventions can be made based on her needs. OK-- I guess you can tell I am in the MH field. I have seen students in my office who come home after falling apart at school, and it got to crisis proportions before anyone intervened. I've seen depression, substance abuse, eating disorders and psychotic episodes-- it can run the gamut. I don't mean to catastrophize, but I'd catch her before she falls further. Hopefully it is just an adjustment thing.</p>
<p>Thank and I just last night before I signed off with talking to her I again suggested she speak with her RA--the young lady seemed approachable and I encourage my D to just go talk to her. I too said that is what they are also for and that by not talking to her-she was not allowing the RA to do what she was trained for! To myself I thought, how unfair to the RA is that. Students don't give them the opportunity to do their job well, but let a problem arise and all hell would break loose and the RA would be the first person to attack. I think she will approach the RA and let her know. I will myself give the RA a call and just let her know what is going on with my D. I feel much better having advice from parents and even student who have and are going thru this. I agree with parts from all responses above. I started off just listening while she talked about school, but I became fustrated because the negative was all I was hearing from her. The roommate situation was kinda odd, because they say one person makes all the assignments for roommates that is why the process takes so long and that the person makes the best possible match. I think the person match for my D was way off--opposite attract sometimes not always--this match seems like get along or get over it.</p>
<p>In defense of the college housing offices, and no, I have no connections, the roomate pairing can only be as good as the information given. I know a student with asthma that requested suitemates that did not smoke. Well, guess what; 2 of the 3 smoke. They said they didn't want their parents to know they smoked, so they lied on the housing application. Some student don't think they are messy, or like to stay up late; they think their actions are typical. Most college housing forms I have seen can not match student very well with the handful of questions asked. Yes, some students can get along with anyone, and others get along with no one. My son's housing form had 4 questions on it-Do you smoke, Are you neat, Do you stay up late, and I can not remember the 4th one. Now how in the world are you going to find a perfect roomate with those questions?</p>
<p>True--I believe the roommate question were that simple. I think my D can stand her ground with her roommate. I mention it because that is just apart of her fustration with school.</p>
<p>Keep us posted. I feel your concern about not interfering, lots of parents involve themselves way too much (I see myself in that statement). But from what you have described, you may be at the point where it is not interfering, it is reasonable concern for your child - good luck.</p>
<p>Yes-- keep us posted. But follow your gut. There is a difference between being protective and being overprotective.</p>
<p>Buckeye mom--I also agree with previous posts that she my be depressed.</p>
<p>A few questions? How are her grades? Eating habits--gaining weight--loosing weight?
Is a boy involved? I know someone who is desperately missing a boyfriend, and another who has had her heart broken first semester. There may be something that is happening that she she hasn't shared with you.</p>
<p>You mentioned that she received a scholarship to school. Is she living in a residence hall with other kids who received scholarships. Perhaps a transfer to another dorm would be helpful. </p>
<p>Things to try: Let her know that you are sympathtic to her issues, but that she must finish the first year. That she can always transfer her second year, but she must finish the first year. She needs to know that she will not be in her current state for four years.</p>
<p>Is it possible for you or her father to visit her on a weekend. Show up at school and take some kids sitting around the dorm out for ice cream/whatever. If the RA is not helpful speak with a counselor or her college counselor. </p>
<p>Also if she wants a new living situation--go to the housing department and camp out there. I did this my freshman year, my mom came and so did the girl that I wanted to live with. We camped out at the housing office until we got what we wanted. Took about an hour.</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>Thank you. I will keep you posted. I believe with a little more and talking-we are going to get through this!!!! I feel better already and now to get her to this place!!!</p>
<p>Thanks again</p>
<p>If this were my issue, I would definitely give the RA a call...or since only an hour away, I would take the RA to lunch or coffee or something.....so that I could talk with the RA and actively inquire exactly what types of things they are available to assist with....depending on how you approach it, it could start as a simple inquiry about the role of the RA.....and ultimately lead to a discussion based on the RA's responses that specifically talks to your concerns about your daughter. Because of her shyness, loneliness, would the RA please make an effort to stop by to talk, include your daughter in meals, ie "swing by the room....going to dinner in 20 minutes, would you like to come along".....typically the RA may know of "mentoring" programs where someone from her class (usually RA's are a year or two older) could mentor your daughter, or she might even know of an opportunity for your daughter to mentor someone else. Typically a gal comfortable with computers is also good with math etc. Mentoring is such a neutral way to engage...and will assist her in building skills that will help in her career later on. </p>
<p>I completely agree that the college provides RA's for exactly these types of situations....helping freshman learn how to live with others....bring out the best in the kids...and minimize the things that make them uncomfortable or sad or unable to become all they can be. </p>
<p>Some of my very best friends in life have come from chance encounters. Staying in your room limits the encounters which limits the opportunities for new friends. It has been my experience that 2nd semester freshman year is when shy kids start to come out of their shell....the holiday break is often helpful at ensuring they are not missing that much....in fact, they kind of miss, while home, some of the freedom they have started to find at college. </p>
<p>Not knowing your daughter, I can't say if you should tell her you will be talking with the RA or not.....but if the initial conversation is private...and there is no improvement, then perhaps let her know that both you and the RA are committed to helping her improve her comfort at Ohio State. Best wishes to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>Gosh, Buckeyemom, I thought my post vanished, and then I realized that it was a different thread, same sort of subject. </p>
<p>It is difficult to give advice when you don't know the specific people. I can tell you that I can really feel for you because I have had, (in fact, I now have) kids who hate where they are for a variey of reason. Many times the prefer the life at home with friends and places they know and parents there as a safety cushion. As I mentioned on the other thread, I was scared that my oldest son would transfer to a local school because I know he was coveting the "good life" that his friends at home were having. He was pounding salt with other kids at his school, and none were close old friend, and he would come home here where the locals have cars, part time jobs and a relatively easy time of it at some local schools. Throw in a girl he likes, and, yes, coming home looked pretty danged good to him. I did tell him that he could not move back into the house, that he would have to transfer into a residential college, and he just was too lazy to go through the process as I would not lift a finger to help, nor did I encourage any discussion of the subject. I tried to make his stays at home as short as possible and kept him busy with family things so he would not get too used to hanging with the home gang. </p>
<p>I can see why someone whould be lost at OSU. A smaller school might well be the answer. Not everyone thrives at these mega Unis. I would keep an eye on her as depression and other emotional issues may be in play and the suggestions to call the RA and the health center might be helpful. Also if you know of anyone there, to ask for some help from them to talk to your D. But I would try to limit time at home as that exascerbates the problem. A school trip over break might be an answer or to stay at the school with a job. In the mean time, firmly let her know that transfer might well be an option, but in order to do this, she has a lot of research and paperwork to do. It is not a good thing to just bail when you are not happy, as this sort of thing comes up often in life. Jobs are often not nirvanas, too often hellholes, and marriage is no cup of tea either. There are avenues to pursue if you are not happy where you are, and coming home to mom and dad is really an extreme measure that should be restricted to cases where there is a true danger or something illegal happening. Not just general unhappiness. There are thousands of colleges out there, and she may want to start researching them for transfer possibilities. Now she has a better idea of what a fit is for her.</p>
<p>Has she checked with on campus counseling? Sounds like shades of depression. . .a talk to a counselor may help.</p>
<p>Also, are there kids she could get with for study group help, like in chemistry? Then there would be a feeling of support/we're in the same boat. </p>
<p>Your daughter is attending a large university? Perhaps a smaller environment "where everyone knows your name" should be considered for future transfer?</p>