Hopefully @compmom will chime in with advice on whether your son would be able to get a medical withdrawl (and not have the withdrawls be part of his academic record).
Excellent advice here. Withdrawal is the obvious best outcome.
One paradox in people with depression and self-professed low self-esteem is that they value their own opinions above all others. If they truly had a low opinion of themselves they would be easy to counsel they would simply take your advice. It can be hard to lead the horse to water. It is difficult as a parent to witness the self-destruction. Even though he is technically an adult, taking the opportunity to assert yourself in whatever way to can and insist that he withdraw is the right choice even he resents it. Of course, if you can get him to decide this on his own the path is easier.
Reading through the above posts shows a lot of collective parental wisdom that appears almost unanimous - that is rare!
I have not read through all the responses…but I do have experience with anxiety and imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the idea that you are no where near smart enough or talented enough or good enough to be where you are and sooner or later everyone is going to find out because your work is going to be so sub-par. It can contribute to paralyzing anxiety. PLEASE have him speak to a mental health professional ASAP. I had to go on medication for about 18 months and it made ALL THE DIFFERENCE in my life. I was literally crippled for months prior. Please get him help - it can be so scary to be in the throws of the uncontrolable emotions and the paralysis.
I haven’t read the entire thread yet but see there is a time element here so will post even though I have to rush off and cannot thoroughly read everyone else’s posts.
For his future, a clean transcript is very important. He will be able to see this if explained to him. I think he should withdraw from all classes asap, today. Then a meeting with a dean would be appropriate. In a case like this, your involvement is appropriate so if any college administrator treats you as if it isn’t, be assured it is.
Your son can request a medical withdrawal. The means wiping the slate clean. In the schools I have dealt with, that means not only no F’s, but no W’s either. He can get treatment, pass the reentry review, and return to start fresh. Or follow another path. No need to worry about that now.
In order to get a withdrawal, he will need to see a professional who can diagnose depression and anxiety and support the withdrawal. The professional can be on campus or off. Since he has not yet received that diagnosis, ask the dean if it can be applied retroactively and get it done quickly.
Once your son leaves he may feel relieved. It is no fun struggling to function and failing. However, there are ways to make a leave like this not feel so much like a failure. Once he is in treatment (medication and therapy), he may feel better. Depending on your situation financially, I know kids in this situation who have thrived after doing National Outdoor Leadership School, WOOF, or countless other programs. He can intern, volunteer or work. He can take classes at community or other college and regain confidence.
This is an age when mental health issues emerge and the transition to college can really bring them out too. Please believe me, your son can be okay. He will emerge from this experience with some self-knowledge, compassion for others, and, hopefully, some new goals. Many of us have been there and can tell you things really did work out!
“I think he would rather finish the semester, even if he fails every class, than quit outright. I have encouraged him to get an emergency appointment with his advisor to devise a plan for damage control…”
I don’t think you should leave this up to him in his current state, especially if you’re helping him pay for college. A responsible adult has to make the call here. He is not quitting; he is hitting pause. College will still be there.
“Does anyone know off hand how colleges would view a first semester withdrawal? I imagine it will still raise plenty of red flags”
Way, way better than Fs. No comparison.
My DD dropped a class this semester for a W. The breathing room of one less class allowed her to bring her grades up in the others. She is much calmer now, even though she is still having occasional panic attacks. She also got some benzos to take the edge off the really bad ones. I’d that a possible option or is he too far gone grade wise?
Hanna knows a lot about all this.
Again, in my experience, at least at some colleges, there are no W’s with a medical withdrawal. Now if it is first semester of freshman year at a college that the student ultimately does not return to, it might seem a little awkward to have an essentially empty transcript, without grades (F’s or W’s) and showing a medical withdrawal. But if the student returns and does well, it really isn’t significant in the long run. And if the student goes to another school , not ultimately significant either, depending on how things go there. “Medical withdrawal” can mean all kinds of things, mono, migraines, cancer, depression…and there will never be a requirement to reveal the reason to another school unless he wants to (and he may indeed want to) or if he registers with the disabilities office (which he should.)
I think colleges are actually really understanding- they see this all the time. Some constructive time off , along with treatment, can do wonders, and they know that too. When you really get to know people, almost everyone has a complex life story : )
One other thing: anxiety and depression can sometimes result from a transition like this (“adjustment disorder”) rather than being a chronic, long term condition. Or, it may signal a lifelong problem. Time will tell. In any case along that spectrum, it is wise to sign up for tuition refund insurance in the future.
There are many paths to a degree. One of mine left on a medical withdrawal, worked a bit, and is now in a continuing education/adult learner program where she takes a couple of classes at a time. She lives in an apartment with friends. I see her as more mature than many her age because of her experiences.
I just want to hug you! You and your son are in my thoughts. I too really want him to withdraw!
How is he doing in the other classes? He is more than halfway through the semester. Can he get Bs or at least Csi n two of the classes?
Personally, I would take time off work or life and go see him. If he is talking to you for hours on the phone, this is pretty much a crisis. Once there, you can better evaluate where he really is. If he is so upset, it may be very difficult for him to focus on schoolwork at all. Counseling is great, but most likely it is not going to work quickly enough to turn it around this semester.
He can tell a bit of white lie to his friends that he got sick (mono if it needs more detail) and got too far behind. His friends won’t judge that. I would hope they wouldn’t judge mental health challenges, but we all know that is not always the case.
Hugs to you both and please keep us posted on how he is doing.
Wow, I have had a really busy day and have not been able to check in at all. I am so, so thankful for the support, both public and pms(which I promise I will respond to when I can.)
There was a reprieve last night and today, although I would be foolish to think it is going to be long term.
He dropped the class that he knew he couldn’t recover in and feels optimistic that he can pull through the other three. He is adamant that will see the semester through, and for today anyway I want to believe that he can, but I know this is a day to day process.
I was very encouraged by the sound of his voice today and that he proactively asked me how he could arrange for a counseling check-in. (Although regular appointments are not available, every afternoon the therapists offer 20 minute slots for kids that feel they need to speak with someone.) That was a huge step because I have had to push him to previous appointments.
He also shared with me that a friend has been having a hard time as well and that some of the guys called his mother today because he had been “trying to hurt himself” and they felt he needed help. I took the opportunity to reinforce that he is not the only one that is struggling. I also asked him if he had ever felt that he wanted to hurt himself and he said no. It makes me feel a little better that the guys are obviously looking out for each other and aren’t afraid to intervene.
He also mentioned to me that he was working hard today because he wanted to have some “fun” this weekend. Fun has not been part of his vocabulary lately, so I resisted the urge to tell him he needed to worry more about work than fun, lol.
So, today was a good day, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I remain on high alert and have taken everyone’s great advice to heart. I am gradually adjusting to the idea of a medical withdrawal if need be; it helps just knowing it is an option.
I didn’t mention it before but he also dropped out of his varsity sport earlier this week which has removed a major stressor. I’m really disappointed but I was very concerned that he was only going to be home for semester break 2 weeks-had to actually return New Year’s Day, smh. Now he will be home for 5 weeks which will make huge difference if he does decide to return.
*** hugs ***
Varsity sport in freshman year is a huge stressor. I remember the advice that freshmen hold off on commitments that first fall, to get grounded and get a feel for time management. Athletes on varsity teams don’t have a chance to do that. Sounds like he is really committed to staying. Socially it is hard to go back when classmates have moved ahead a semester or year, so perhaps that is one of the things inspiring him.
Can he get a therapist off campus?
Good luck!
I will look into an off campus therapist next week once I have a sense of whether he is staying or not. I am sure the campus counseling service can help me figure that out. We have insurance through ACA which is only good in state except for the ER unfortunately.
I would like to try to get him into someone as soon as he gets home, either over break or sooner if that is how it turns out. Can anyone tell me how I approach that? Do I just start cold calling? Who? Psychiatrists? Psychologists? LCSWs? What do I say?
I would ask your own primary care doctor and any friends who you trust for suggestions for a therapist. You don’t need to give many details. One issue you might run into is a health-care provider’s refusal to allow you to make an appointment for your son (if he’s 18 or older).
If at all possible, don’t make receipt of therapy contingent on it being reimbursed by insurance. I firmly believe that therapy often is so vital that it should be paid for out of pocket if that’s the only way to get it when it’s needed.
I can help with that. A good place to start is to see a list of providers that your insurance will pay for. What some people do is get the name of someone then call them to see if they accept your insurance. Its easier to get names off a list unless someone has a rec for you. For an evaluation on whether he needs meds and to get a diagnosis you want to see a psychiatrist. For talk therapy you want to see a PhD(psycologist, a PsyD (psycologist )or a LCSW (social worker). You might want to find someone who specializes in both adolescence and mood disorders. When looking for a therapist, don’t assume that someone with the Phd will be a better than someone who is a clinical social worker. There are good and bad in both professions. Another thing to think about is what kind of therapy would be best for him right now. I guess the first step is to see a psychiatrist and see what he/she thinks is going on. Then you might have a better idea of whether he would benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy or a more traditonal form of therapy where you talk about your feelings mostly. In my experience, CBT is very affective in treating mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. When looking for a therapist, ask your son if he prefers a male or female, old or youngish. Also, find someone who is convenient to get to. If your son doesn’t like a therapist, find a new one!
On another note, it’s great to hear you son is feeling a little better. “Fun” is good! Warm
wishes!!
ETA- You asked what you say when calling. You often will leave a message on an answering machine. You tell them your insurance, ask if they take it and have any availablity and tell them you are calling on behalf of your son. They should call you back. If you decide you want your son to meet them you just have to say that he experiencing adjustment issues at schools and is experiencing depression/anxiety and panic attacks. That’s all.
Depending on where you live, out of pocket can be very expensive. Nothing wrong with using your insurance. However, I like the advice from above about asking your doc for a rec.
Excuse the typos. I was typing too fast. It’s psychologist not psycologist!!!
If you are able to find someone at home, when your son returns to school, they could continue with their sessions via Skype.
D2 was working someone after our divorce. She continued to work with her therapist after she returned to campus.
I would try to get a private therapist for him on campus now. You could get recommendations from his student health center.
Glad to hear he feels better. It may well be that getting rid of the one class will give him sufficient breathing room to finish the semester and feel successful. Do continue to encourage/push him to talk with someone, possibly on a regular basis, even if he feels ok. Have a couple close friends with kids who struggled early on (emotionally and academically) but thought they were still ok. Both parents and students thought they could “get through it” and finish their degrees on time. Well it’s senior year now and just getting through it is no longer on the table…one did a medical withdrawal (very smart/necessary move) and the other dropped WAY back in hours and won’t graduate on time - if he can go back in January. In hindsight, both needed to address this more fully at the outset - yes hindsight is perfect, isn’t it. Neither kid would go to counseling until the end when it was a TOTAL crisis.
My best to you and your family. Good luck
Even if your son “gets through” this tough period, I would still recommend highly he gets help/counseling, possibly sign up with the disabilities office at his school. At the very least, he needs to learn how to spot, and deal with, his anxiety and depression.
Re: health insurance through the ACA. Moving is a qualifiable event.
We do not have employer-based insurance. We are in an HMO, based in the Chicago area. When D13 went downstate to UIUC for school, she dropped the HMO here at home & signed up for the full student insurance at school. We would have had the option to sign her up for an ACA plan in Champaign County too.
In reality, it took a couple phone calls with Blue Cross Blue Shield until we got a representative with an accurate answer. Yes, a student going away to school is considered “moving”. In the end, we went with the student plan at the school, even though it’s “meh”.
Our D16 went to school out of state. We looked into buying an ACA plan in that state, and we also looked at the comprehensive student health insurance offered through her big OOS public university. The school insurance is quite good. We took that. Although she has yet to exercise it, she would have the option of seeing a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist in town, not at the student center.
I’m not sure many people understand this; we certainly did not. We had thought the whole family had to stick together on the same plan, or that we’d have to double pay (the “home” plan and the “student plan”). Nope.