Huge hugs to you and your son. Went through something similar with my son his freshman year. It was so tough… I agree with the earlier posts that it would be good to get him home and work through it. Are you close with his doctor? Pediatrician? Don’t discount meds either-sometimes it’s just a chemical imbalance and easily corrected. Though I am not good with mental illnesses (who is?) there is help and loads of stories of kids coming through this in beautiful ways. I’m with you and wish you support, happiness and peace~Happy Thanksgiving!
This is a good reminder to all of us who have been through this that we should always be on the lookout for “newbies,” parents who have a child who has just started struggling. Once your radar is up, you will be amazed how often you are asked for help. I direct people to NAMI and lend a sympathetic ear. It’s not too hard to do, and it could save a life.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
S seemed like his old self during break. He didn’t mention anything, so I decided not to initiate a conversation for the first few days.
He didn’t seem to have a problem telling people that he had dropped his sport which really shocked me. On Wednesday he went to his high school practice and then out to dinner with his two coaches. At Thanksgiving dinner I overheard his Uncle ask him how it was going and he answered him very directly and explained that it wasn’t the sport itself, but the social dynamic, and that he really needed to concentrate on academics rather than investing time in something he wasn’t enjoying.
I tried to encourage him to get some work done while he was home including some extra credit opportunities that he desperately needed to take advantage of. Unfortunately I was doing a lot of micromanaging that shouldn’t have been necessary, and still he was not cooperating. On Saturday when he grabbed the car keys to head out to a friends I said WHOA, your work needs to be done first.
That led to a toddler like temper tantrum…full melt down…“I don’t want to do it, I don’t care about anything, I can’t motivate myself, nothing I do is good enough, I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to drop out of school, I DON"T WANT TO DO ANYTHING.”
Ugh…so much for pretending everything was okay. I was so frustrated (okay, angry) because it seemed so ridiculous. I just wanted to put him in a time out! I had to reign it in and tell myself that his reactions are not “normal,” but I am ashamed to say I wasn’t feeling very empathetic at the time…
Anyway, we got past that and he headed back to college on Sunday. He had good news when he got back-a B+ on a midterm, and then found out on Tuesday that he got a B on the big paper he had written for another class. Classes end next Thursday, then he has a full week before his first final. Short of a catastrophe I think he is going to survive the semester.
He had a counseling appointment today and made one for the same time next week. All has been calm since he returned.
Does this seem like a normal pattern that others have experienced? Is it typical to appear perfectly fine much of the time? How tolerant and coddling am I supposed to be? I have some books from the library and I need to start reading.
Thank you for the sounding board!!
No, this is not a normal pattern IMO.
@carolinamom2boys So is depression normally visible all of the time? I don’t know…that is the diagnosis of the therapist. On that note I will head to bed with a book aptly titled “Depression.”
There are many different signs of depression and anxiety. Someone may experience any of them at any time. People with depression may not appear depressed all of the time, that doesn’t mean that they are not depressed. Symptoms can be different in different people . For example, some don’t sleep, some sleep too much. Some can’t eat, some eat too much. Some can’t get motivated , some people obsess over the details. When you asked “If this is a normal pattern?” Were you asking is this normal behavior for a college student or normal behavior for a depressed student ? @ProudMomx3
Wow, I really feel for you. My D went through a bout of depression, and I can relate to your recent scenario. What I learned after that happening a few times, is that I just cannot push. It’s all up to her at this point - I’ve learned to let her manage what she needs to get done or not. So in the extra credit example - if it wont make or break them, I’ve learned to just suggest and let them take it from there. He probably just was happy to come home and not think about school for a few days since he’s been having such a tough go of it. Depression is tricky - an internal struggle - and it’s hard to relate to if you’ve never gone through it yourself, reading about it certainly helps! I certainly haven’t figured it all out. Sounds like a great sign that he owned his decision to drop the sport! best wishes and keep us posted, hopefully the semester will end well.
This is a long thread, so I will try not to jump around too much in my reply. As background, my DH has depression, anxiety, and OCD. He is currently stable on meds but has needed hospitalization in the past. My college freshman DS is 19 yo and has been treated for anxiety and OCD (including with meds) since the age of 6.
OP, re your post #162, I don’t think there is a “normal pattern.” As Carolinamom2boys stated, everyone presents differently. The presentation also can change over time. Many people are able to hold it together and not appear visibly depressed a lot of the time but that does not mean they are not depressed.
Re meds, most people have both long-acting and short-acting meds. You want the long-acting meds to work to minimize the amount of short-acting meds you have to take, especially when dealing with a benzo which can be highly addictive (although this is not a reason to avoid those meds. Some of the older SSRIs can take several weeks to take effect. There are a lot of newer meds that begin to show effect in the first couple of weeks.
If you can keep your son home while you work through this I think that is the very best option. Even though my son has been treated for many years he has still struggled quite a lot this semester. One thing that has helped is ensuring he has a good therapist. He actually sees a therapist off campus. That way he gets a therapist is is better suited to his particular issues and does not have to worry about seeing a rotating stream of interns.
I agree with the suggestion to seek out NAMI. Their educational programs are excellent, but even more important (in my opinion)'is having a support group of people who truly understand what your are going through. Parenting a child with mental health issues is very different from parenting a young adult with those issues, and both of those situations are very different from caring for a spouse with mental health issues.
“Normal” in the sense of someone who likely has mental health issues going on or “normal” in someone who doesn’t?
No. I think a misconception about people with depression is that we’re always in a “foul” mood. It’s not. Many of us can actually put on a “normal” face for a relatively long time until we just can’t do it anymore and we snap. He sounds like he snapped.
Huge red flag.
It’s good that he’s going to counseling.
I read your post very carefully, trying to make sense of what was happening. I get the impression your son does okay by avoiding stressful situations (seeing friends, going to his hs, dinner with coaches). My guess is that at school he got into some academic problems because he put things off and avoided things until the last minute (his way of coping)… When he can’t hideout and pretend he doesn’t have stressful situations (work to do) you start to see symptoms of depression. People don’t realize that people who are depressed can express it by anger rather than typical sadness. This is especially common with males. Behind many a person with road rage is a depressed person (just an example).
Anyway, he was going about his break socializing and avoiding his reality until you brought him back to earth. That’s when you saw the change in him. I think your son would benefit greatly from stress management and relaxation techniques. Also an anti-anxiety med would help. I am not 100% certain that an anti-depressant is what he needs. He seems ok until triggered by stressful situations. I’m not his doctor, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I just hope those B’s gave him the boost he needs to carry on.
A very important question I have is how did he manage stress prior to going to college. Has he been someone to avoid stress at all costs or was he someone who persevered in the face of things like midterms, finals, tournaments etc?
The part about “I don’t care, I can’t motivate myself” is worrying because it’s more than just “I get panicky and fearful when I fall behind in my classes.” I’m not saying he has serious mental health issues, but his brain’s method of dealing with stressful situations is to run away, hide and withdraw. That’s a defense mechanism that his brain is engaging in – the panic is so overwhelming that his brain tries to go into “I don’t care” mode. So first he tries to avoid the problem by just not thinking about it – e.g. going out with friends and distracting himself – and then he tries to avoid it by going “I don’t care, it’s no use anyway, nothing I do is good enough or will make a difference so I’m just not going to do anything.”
I do think that something like Prozac or Wellbutrin would be good to try. Remember, taking it now, during this high-stress period, doesn’t mean he’ll be on it for the rest of his life. If he can learn how not to go into avoidance mode, and instead to tackle situations head-on, that could be all he needs. But he can’t get the mental space and stability that he needs to be able to learn how to do that as long as a simple question from you about his work triggers a full-blown rage/panic/defiance/hopelessness meltdown. He is not in control right now. If he doesn’t get help, things could turn out all right, or they might not. But I do think it’s better to at least try the medication route and see if it helps.
Full disclosure: both my daughters suffer from anxiety and are on Prozac. It really does help calm down those anxiety attacks and smooth out the bumps in the road. Your son can try taking a low dose and see if it helps. If it doesn’t help, he can quit taking it. No pressure.
Based on the OPs disclosure that her husband died right before the beginning of her son’s Junior year of HS, I truly believe that he does have a depressive component not just anxiety. Many people who suffer depression have increased difficulty around the anniversary of the death of a significant person in their life. Holidays also can be hard for people who have depression . Add that to being a Freshman being away from home, struggling academically, and no longer being interested in a sport that has been a big part of his life . He is loaded with stressors right now. That is probably why the therapist at school believes that he has both anxiety and depression, and is recommending medication and therapy .
@carolinamom2boys I meant was it a normal pattern for a teen with depression. Have others experienced that their kid seems perfectly fine then there is major meltdown out of nowhere? Meltdowns that make no sense? This was not a high pressure situation that caused him to curl up on his bed ranting and sobbing-it was simple homework.
Okay, I posted this before reading the rest of the responses…I guess he makes it so easy to pretend that everything is fine a lot of the time. I have shared every bit of this with my Mom and she has experienced the sobbing first hand on the phone with him, but yet she agreed that if she didn’t know better she would never have guessed anything was wrong based on how he acted over break. (She didn’t witness the one incident)
I think the suggestion that he was doing fine as long as he pretended college didn’t exist is probably accurate. I hope the recent grades will serve as a motivator to work hard the rest of the semester. I haven’t wanted to bring it up because it seemed petty, but maybe he will even keep his scholarship if he does return next semester.
Of course I know everything isn’t fine, but the wishful thinking is easy to succumb to.
That seems to be the most recurrent theme. He just keeps saying that he doesn’t see the point of anything…he first brought it up just before leaving for college and it really alarmed me. He said something to the effect “you work and then you die, what is the point?” I asked if he was referring to his father and he snapped that it had nothing to do with that.
He really doesn’t want to be in college, but he doesn’t see a plan B either. He doesn’t want to get a job…like he says, he doesn’t want to do anything. He doesn’t like learning for learning sake, and he doesn’t have a career objective so naturally that makes it very difficult to motivate himself to do his assignments and to study. Sometimes I just want to tell him to put his big boy pants on and suck it up like everyone else, but I try to be careful.
@ProudMomx3 Everything you just said is a symptom of depression, which is an illness that needs treatment though therapy and/or medication. He most likely is not trying to be intentionally difficult. It is not something that one can " suck up and put his big boy pants on " to fix. If only it were that simple.
Yes, it is easy to succumb to wishful thinking. Almost 4 years in and I still do it from time to time. @ProudMomx3 , the best we can do for you here is to offer support because you really aren’t alone in this and to encourage you to seek out medical care and a diagnosis from a psychiatric professional asap.
We should not be trying to diagnose your s. Not at all. Sure, might look like depression, but we really don’t know. And we definitely shouldn’t be suggesting medications. That’s up to the MD (or psychiatric NP or PA). See a specialist, not a family practitioner.
And difficult as this may be, until you know what you are dealing with, you may not help yourself very much with online research and books. There’s a lot of junk science out there and a lot of people who don’t want to admit that these diseases are different than other, purely physical ailments. There are a range of therapeutic doses of psychiatric meds. Your loved one is not less ill because he or she responds to the lower end of the range rather than the higher. Call it just a chemical imbalance all you want, but that theory hasn’t held up all that well. The best thing you can do is find a team of professionals (therapist and shrink) that you trust and listen to them.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to with regard to your son. I also know that, as an adult, you can’t force him seek or comply with treatment. As someone upthread pointed out, you can offer support (or withhold it, e.g. financial support for next semester, if you need to), but in the end, the treatment of the disease (assuming he has one), is going to fall to him.
@ordinarylives OP stated that his therapist at school diagnosed him with depression and anxiety . His therapist at school is the one suggested he be evaluated for medications.
I did go back and find that in #164. Thank you. Personal experience has taught me to remain cautious in my advice. That first diagnosis from the therapist may evolve as more specially trained professionals, like psychiatrists and clinical psychologists, become involved. Depression may be the end of it. Or it may be merely the first thing that presents.
@ProudMomx3, my sympathy and empathy. I know how overwhelming this must be. You know how they say that if you’re on a plane and the oxygen masks come down, a parent should put on his/her mask first before helping the kids? Maybe it’s a good idea for you to look for some counseling for yourself. It’s not so long ago that you lost your husband. Handling this crisis without your partner in parenting must be very difficult.
I hope you’ll consider making an appointment for an assesssment for your boy with a skilled therapist & possibly a psychiatrist for winter break. If you assume he WILL need the support of skilled people & possibly meds, instead of wondering IF he needs support, that can get the decisions moving along.
I think I may have mentioned upthread that going away to college is a qualifiable event for changing health plans if you get your insurance through the open market instead of through an employer. In other words, you can switch to a plan where your son’s school is located, if your home insurance doesn’t provide coverage for him there. Then, switch back when he is home. It took us a couple calls to get an accurate answer for this, but it is exactly what we did for our D who is OOS and we have an HMO here in the Chicago area.
Lastly, it’s tempting to think logically, and to judge the people in our lives who are suffering with a logic ruler. But he/she said…and then he/she did…and I asked him/her…and he/she said…but then he/she did…it makes no sense! Exactly. It makes no logical sense.
They are stuck in the mud of suffering and cannot find their way out.
A good therapist will help you define what your role is, as part of the support team, while also giving your son the room to own his problems. Finding balance & being flexible can be tough. The good news is there is help out there.
Hugs to you!