Thank you for being here. I have a little case here:
I and my girlfriend are international students (senior) who are applying to US colleges. Although the application process is not over yet, I’m pretty set on a college (UA). My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t have much interest in the whole colleges thing. She just wants to study abroad, but she is not interest in researching colleges or making a list. Instead, she insists on going to the same school that I’ll go, which is affordable to both of us.
According to her, as long as the school is not so bad, she’ll choose it because of me. And if she’s good, she’ll do well wherever she ends up. However, her parents want her to go to a more prestigious school, and she doesn’t want to upset them.
When I ask her to do college research and find actual schools that fit her, she just denies. She is really indifferent towards this whole college thing. The one thing she cares about is to follow her American dream (regardless of the school) and attend the same school as I do.
I’m over-enthusiastic about this whole college thing and know exactly that the school is for me. She doesn’t know anything about UA, except for that she gets the scholarship and that it’s in Alabama. We’re both pretty decent students, with her academically a bit better.
I know it’s pretty late in the process, but what do you think she should do? And what should I do? When I try to convince her about finding more about schools, she gets upset because apparently “I do not want her there with me”.
Thank you for having read this lengthy post. I really need some advice right now. Any comment is greatly appreciated. Again, thank you.
Typically, people at your age do not want to think about this, but the odds are that you will not remain together once school begins. Sure, it happens, but whether you are at the same school or somewhere else, you may grow apart.
If her parents are paying, they may have more to say than she cares to admit.
Also, what was said above is very important at this stage. If you have not applied, the options will be significantly reduced.
You can’t get her excited about college; you can’t pick colleges for her; you can’t prevent her from going to UA.
So ignore the issue. My crystal ball tells me that by next August she will no longer be your GF, but just another student at UA- a very big university.
Then get used to the fact that she is going to follow you there, unless her parents step in and say no way- its not prestigious enough. Sounds like your GF is lazy - too lazy to apply to the more prestigious schools her parents want her to go to. She has 4 days to apply to other schools - its really not going to happen…
You do what’s best for you. You cannot control her decisions. It would definitely be better for her to do her own research and invest more in the process, but if she’s not going to, no one can make her. Good luck at UA!
Are you set on attending UA no matter where your girlfriend ends up attending? Where has she applied and been accepted? Where do her parents want her to attend?
I would encourage you to think of your own education needs as top priority. If the girlfriend thing works out, that’s great. If not, you will still have the education that fits your needs.
You can not change another person’s personality. She is who she is. You can not want more for her than she wants for herself. This is a hard life lesson. She may end up hating where she starts college at, and she will have to figure out what to do at that point. But right now, she seems to be in love with you and with the idea of living in America.
This country is huge, and the different regions of our country are so vastly different in terms of weather, population density, landscape, politics, wealth/poverty, diverse ethnic populations, etc. Even colleges throughout my home state can vary greatly. It would be in her best interest to care about even the basics like cold/warm weather city, rural vs. urban area, etc. But you can’t make her care.
Best of luck to you. Stay strong in your priorities, and do not let her sway you in your educational future. If she truly loves you, she will want the best for you, even if her parents force her to attend elsewhere.
Well, I hope you enjoy UA, although regarding your girlfriend, I would hope she would have foresight to realize you all will most likely not be in a close relationship in 4 years.
Thank you everbody for taking the time to comment on my issue. I appreciate it.
@Torveaux Actually, what you said above is the reason I want her to apply to other schools that may fit her. I’m afraid that if we’re not together anymore, she may come to hate the school and regret the decision.
Her parents respect and allow her to choose the college that she wants. But their favorite school is UVA, and if she’s admitted, I suspect there’ll be a huge family talk about college. But in the end, the decision is hers, as long as the school works financially.
@suzyQ7 She is somewhat lazy. And by prestigious, it doesn’t need to be HYP kind of prestigious. Her parents, like other Asian parents, care about ranking and want her to be at a higher ranked school. The application is almost done, but the list is still very limiting.
@powercropper My college decision is not dependent on her choice. I’m also applying to others (which mostly do not coincide with her schools), but yes, I’m set on UA no matter where she ends up attending.
Yes, I cannot change another person’s personality, but I want her to make an informed decision. It does seem like I care about her future more than she actually does. And thank you for the information. We do aware of the difference among regions. She claims to have the adaptability needed so that she can end up anywhere she wants.
OP you did not really address how you feel about her attending UA with you. Do you want her to attend the same school or do you think another school might serve your relationship better? How serious are you about the relationship? Do you think UA might be a good fit for her?
@HarvestMoon1 Of course I want her to be at UA with me. We’re in a serious relationship, but it’s still so soon (in our lives) and nothing is guaranteed.
And honestly speaking, I think UA is not a very good fit for her. Although she hates attention, I think that’s what she needs. Lacking motivation and easily distracted, she can be lost in such a huge school like UA.
She’s more score-driven than goal-oriented. Although not having a path for her future, she can always excel academically.
I’d break up with her. You are getting a real look at her character. She is not very invested in her own educational future. She sounds lazy and unmotivated.
OP I asked because in some cultures high school age is not too early to choose a life partner. You are international students so wasn’t sure where you stood with the relationship.
Seems to me that at this late stage you might just have to go along with her decision. The deadline for submitting other applications is rapidly approaching. Things will just take their natural course once you both are at UA- either the relationship will survive or it will not. Your only other option is to tell her that you think UA is a poor fit for her and that she should submit other applications. Who knows whether she will agree to do so.
“Actually, what you said above is the reason I want her to apply to other schools that may fit her. I’m afraid that if we’re not together anymore, she may come to hate the school and regret the decision.”
If you’re not together any more, that’s her problem, not yours.
I think she should do what she wants to do. You should do what you want to do. It sounds like you want to go to Alabama and she wants to follow you there.
You cannot convince her about finding more school without her thinking that you want to get rid of her.
She’s seen pictures of girls at Alabama and she wants to go there to keep you from getting out of line :-).
Take one day at a time. Let her follow you to Alabama. If it turns out to be a mistake, you can both add it to your list of “mistakes I made in life”.
Don’t plan for a break up. Maintain a positive attitude. If that turns out to be wrong, there you go, chaulk up another mistake.
Don’t be afraid of mistakes. Making new mistakes in life never gets old. I’m always finding new ones and I’m in my 50s.
It sounds as though she’s willing-- and that her game plan is-- to follow you wherever you go.
She wants nothing for herself, just to be with you.
So what happens when you make some friends? Develop interests that don’t include her? Choose to take a class she doesn’t, or isn’t qualified for? Decide to get a part time job? Want to go to a football game or a baseball game or a basketball game with the guys?
It sounds as though your future is all mapped out-- you’ll both come to the US, and be permanently joined at the hip.
This is a time for you to stretch and grow, to develop new interests and new friends and to decide who you are and what you want to be when you grow up. But it sounds as though she’s already decided: she wants to be wherever you are, doing whatever you’re doing.
It’s not what I would want for my son or my daughters, or for myself.
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She’s seen pictures of girls at Alabama and she wants to go there to keep you from getting out of line .
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Too funny. She’s probably seen that recruitment video that went viral. Bama does have the most amazing beauties.
Just let things play out.
You mention finances with UVA. I don’t think UVA gives aid to int’ls, so if her parents are willing to pay full cost there, then she’ll likely go there. If not, she’ll go to Alabama, and transfer out later if you break up or she doesn’t like it.
Whatever you two decide, make certain that you both establish friendships outside of each other and allocate some time apart to allow for some independence.
OP here is another thought. If you do in fact believe that her “raison d’être” is to only be with you, then perhaps if you are not quite as sure about her then you should speak up now. She is making a life altering decision based on her perceived relationship with you - or so it seems from your posts. Some women interpret silence as acquiescence and it might just make things much easier on both of you in you speak up now.
I imagine that there are going to be some pretty hard feelings from both your GF and her family if you embark on this journey together and you have not spoken up about your feelings ahead of time. I would advise my own son to sit down with the girl and have a frank discussion. If she still insists on AU and you end up breaking up with her, then your conscience is clear.