@HarvestMoon1 I did all the paperwork for her and urge her to apply because I knew she had the American dream, and I wanted her to have a good safety in hand by December.
After that, I want her to have better fit schools to choose, and I don’t like the fact that she’s making a life-altering decision based on our relationship. I appreciate her intention, but I don’t think that is a good way to choose college. That’s the reason I pose this question.
But have you made it clear to her that you “don’t like the fact that she’s making a life-altering decision based on the relationship”? If so, what was her response?
If you have actually been that up front with her then your conscience should be clear. You should go where you want and feel fine about her doing the same.
My hs boyfriend (who was a year older) made it clear to me he didn’t want me choosing “his” school to follow him. I chose it anyway from other reasons, a specific program in particular, no regrets . Years later he told me he was surprised (though pleased) I went there. I know in my heart I made the decision on my own and it sounds like that is what OP wants his gf to do too.
I find it contradictory too.
Honestly, for the benefits of the girl, my personal opinion is that it is better for her to attend a different school.
I do not have a daughter and do not know how her parents actually think about this situation. But I do know a few cases about how the first generation immigrant parents who raise Asian Americans daughters may “behave”.
Case 1:
The couple are about OP’s and his GF’s age. Both are Asian Americans who grew up in American. When they date each other in their high school senior year, the girl’s parents by and large only allow their daughter to date either at school (during break) or in girl’s house or their relatively upscale neighborhood. They are not allowed to go to the movie in the evening by themselves; but a “group date” at the same place is fine. The girl is not permitted to go to the boy’s house – the boy’s parents respect the wish of the girl’s parents so they will not let them “date” in their house. Also, the girl’s parents prefer that they do not date too frequently. It is the best that they meet with each other once every other week – and the default place is in the girl’s family room. The girl’s parents are not against this relationship at all; they just prefer that the relationship progresses more slowly.
Case 2:
The couple are first-year graduate students who live in school’s dorm. They just start their relationship (less than 2 months.) The girl’s parents visit the girl during a break (and pick her up to drive her home.) The girl asks the boy not to be seen by her parents while her parents are there, for whatever the reason it may be, even though she regards him as her BF at that time (at least the circle of their friends on campus think so.)
Case 3:
The couple are about 25 yo and have been in the relationship for almost a year. They live at school’s dorm but the girl lives on the “girl’s floor”. (It is a surprise to me that there is even a “girl’s floor” for a graduate student dorm. I thought there is such a dorm room arrangement only for freshman students – BTW, without such an arrangement (i.e., girl’s floor), in one year, a girl’s parents actually sued the school because the school requires all of their freshmen to live on campus in their freshman year.)
Occasionally, the BF would visit the girl in her room. However, whenever the girl skypes her parents, she would ask her BF to be “out of the camera view.” This is the case even when they have been in the relationship for a year and the girl’s parents are not against this relationship.
Case 4:
The couple have been in their relationship for just half a year. However, they are almost 30 yo. The young lady’s parents are aware of their daughter’s relationship and are not against it. When she skyped her parents while she is in her condo (she owns the condo) and her BF is in her condo, she asks her BF not to be in the view of camera.
To be sure, the case 4 is for a Persian, not for someone who is from the east Asian.
What do you think the GF’s parent’s true intention may be when they prefer their D to go to another school (e.g., UVA)? I do not know for sure, but I just raise another possibility: they may prefer that their relationship progresses more slowly!
I understand being concerned for your girlfriend, which is admirable. Have you and your girlfriend considered applying to the honors college? My daughter is at another state school, but the honors college there has given her administration contacts to make the big school seem smaller. @mom2collegekids might have more knowledge of the UA honors program? As been said many times, you cannot control her decisions and I am of the opinion there is not a single “perfect” college match, so this may be a great school for her as well. One piece of advice - if you both attend UA, pick different dorms. That way, you can both have some independence.
@2stemgirls Thank you for your piece of advice. By the way, we’re both in the Honors College. We’re also in different majors/schools within the university, so even if we go to UA, we may have our own independence.
@Pizzagirl You see through me. Yes, that’s the ideal scenario. I want her to want UA because of the school on its own, not because I’m going there.
@HarvestMoon1 Yes, I say so all the time. She claims that I don’t want her there with me. She knows I mean well, but she choose to follow me because of my presence, which I find unwise. If she says that she likes program X at UA and professor Y is her role model, then I’m more than happy to have her there with me.
@mcat2 I don’t know why it’s contradictory. I help her apply to UA because I know she wants America, and I make sure she can achieve that. I refer to UA as her safety, which is the last resort to fall back on when she doesn’t have any other option. I posed this question because I was afraid she was making a mistake and I didn’t know how to help her.
Regarding her parents concern, I don’t think they prefer other schools because of me. When her SAT score was not as good as it is now, her parents and I encourage her to study to at least get the scholarship from UA. And now that her score is much better now, they think she deserves more.
Somehow I do not like the use of these words here: “UA as her safety…the last resort to fall back on…at least get the scholarship from UA…score is much better now, they think she deserves more.”
Let us discuss the other aspect of OP’s question that has nothing to do with the relationship.
It is as if UA is not good enough for her.
Also, if what have been posted are all she has, to put it bluntly, she is likely not in the league of “Harvard girl.” Wait…I have to take it back (at least a little bit.) I am not totally sure about the correctness of my statement here because maybe the US elite schools indeed give international students more credits when they have a very good SAT score (because it could be more challenging for them to achieve, say, 2400 (or is it now back to 1600 maximum score again?)) But for domestic students, the US elite schools demand much more than just scores and GPAs.
The “problem” I have here is that the parents of OP’s GF (and maybe even OP) seem to think thevUA honor program is still not good enough for their daughter (just because she now has good scores.) I really think this is a little bit too unrealistic view (unless OP could list her EC achievements to convince me otherwise.)
I do not think anyone here would think mom2ck’s kid is not good enough and deserves a better place just because he went to the honor college at UA!
I’m sorry if the wording of my post is misleading. I stand on my statement, I think UA should be her safety, a last resort to fall back on if she has no other options.
UA is indeed her safety. It’s an automatic scholarship. How can it not be a safety if one has the stats? However, it is not at all “not good enough for her”. I just think that it’s not the right fit, which makes it a last resort. My stats is not far behind, and I choose to go to UA. Isn’t that a perfect indication that UA is “good enough”, at least for me?
I’d also want to clarify something regarding “more prestigious”. Neither of us is Ivy-material. When I refer to “more prestigious”, what I really meant was “higher ranked”. To our Asian parents, ranking means everything. This notion may derive from our education system where school name is a big deal and university selection has nothing to do with any other variables. Even I had a hard time convincing my parents to let me accept the scholarship offer from UA. So when my girlfriend received a higher score, her parents wanted her to apply to other higher ranked schools like Dickinson, Wake Forest, etc. I think it’s understandable.
“The “problem” I have here is that the parents of OP’s GF (and maybe even OP) seem to think the UA honor program is still not good enough for their daughter (just because she now has good scores.)”
This is completely true. The reason is that her parents are not familiar with the US education. To them, better ranked equals better salary and post-graduate opportunities. Also, I would add that university admission in our country is entirely based on an entrance examination. There is nobody’s fault. But it is a real problem.
Based on what I know, mom2ck’s kids (yes, as far as I know, she had 2 kids there) are very successful. I don’t make any comparison here (but by the way, we’re not as good), and I also do not think that anyone would look down on their UA’s education.
Whether the parents think UA is good enough or not good enough is not the OP’s PROBLEM, mcat. That’s between her parents and her.
FWIW, a high SAT score won’t help internationals any more than it’ll help any other applicant. The international applicant pool is very self-selecting (something in the neighborhood of 0.1% of foreign students of college age come to study in the US), as our universities are some of the world’s most expensive, and the application process is fairly convoluted compared to many other countries’ systems. If given a choice between domestic schools and US schools, most internationals would choose the former for financial reasons, assuming similar prestige and quality. This means most international applicants to the US are those with parents who can afford to send their children to study in the US. Wealth, for any number of reasons, is correlated with better SAT scores. They’re also those with qualifications that make acceptance to US schools superior to anything in their country a distinct possibility.
On the whole, international students will have higher SAT scores on average. I’d rather be an international than an Asian applicant, but a high SAT score won’t help an international applicant as much as it would a domestic student, because it’s almost a given in many cases.*
*Note that this is for schools where finances aren’t much of a concern. USNWR college #862, with an endowment in the tens of millions rather than the billions, may well be more forgiving of full-pay internationals, whatever flaws they have in their profile.
As far as I know, not a very high percentage of Asian American families here are willing to shell out a lot of money to send their kids to Dickson or Wake Forest (unless they receive a huge amount of scholarship so that its out-of-pocket cost is comparable to the cost of a flagship public college. But this is likely because among the circle of my friends (most of them are somewhat older and came to the US when only those among the truly academic elite class over there could come to the US. Also, they could be not as wealthy as their “counterpart” back in their country of origin in Asia – however, most of them were graduates from a very good university like Chiao Tung University in Shanghai, Tinghua or Beijing University; after they had received a graduate degree in the US and then worked here. Many of their kids seem to go to one of the better UCs (if they live in California) or the flagship public university if they live in another state (other than possibly NE, where the parents tend to be more obsessed with an even more prestigious college. Just thought of this: I could be one of such parents even though I do not live in the NE.
OP, If the parents of your GF happen to know Apple, you could tell them that the CEO of Apple was a graduate from Auburn University in Alabama, which is most likely ranked lower than UA.
Good lord, mcat. It is not for the OP to try to “convince” the girlfriend’s parents of anything. Please let the dynamics of the girlfriend and her parents stay between them. Not everything needs to be an in- law situation.
Your girlfriend’s future is none of your business. Really. You are not responsible for her choice if she foolishly decides to go to college with you, even if that is the wrong choice for her. And even if, a few months in, she hates her school and blames you, you are still not responsible. I know this isn’t easy to see right now, but the sooner you learn to recognize that you are only responsible for your decisions, the healthier you will be as an adult.
This reminds me of this: When dynosaurs still roamed the world, I was “helping” my then GF (now wife) a lot on some subjects I was naturally better than her.You could hardly know the dynamic between a hormone raging young couple.
Almost half a century later, I think I would agree at what is posted here (i.e., the girlfriend’s future is none of her boyfriend’s business.)
Hmm…I also do not know the dynamics between DS and his GF, who are almost 10 years older than OP and his GF. One thing is for sure: The way they handle things is very different than what we would do. But I do know one thing: the decisions, no matter what the consequence is, are theirs, not mine. (God bless them. And bless me as well for not thinking too much about it – doing so would drive me crazy.)
Thank you all for your comments. All of yours has helped, to a certain extent. Some debates and advice from this help me form my perspective on this matter. If you’re still interested (and I still remember), I’d post our final decisions when they are made. Thank you everyone.