Need help breaking out of a social rut.

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I have a problem. Need help.</p>

<p>All throughout high school, I was never the most popular kid, but I was well liked by most people and had a couple close friends that made life berable. But at the same time, due to my quiet and timid yet kind demeanor, I had a repuatation as a nerd (though one of the "normal ones) and not only was being respected hard, but saturday night was always the lonliest night for me. </p>

<p>But one thing got me through the tough days. Everyone always told me that kids like me, while unpopular in highschool, are sure to make friends easily in college.</p>

<p>Well college is here, and they were wrong. Dont get me wrong, im not an antisocial wierdo or anything. Im involved in many clubs and people generally seem to like me. Often when im walking to class, someone I know will smile and say hi.</p>

<p>But there is a huge problem. While I do seem to be well liked, when it comes to crossing the barrier between "nice guy I occasionally talk to" to "friend I want to hang out with outside of class" I am clueless. I have the same probelm I had in highschool. People seem to like me, but they dont respect me, and therefore making an actual freind, someone to regularly hang out with, someone that will just call me wanting to go to the dining halls, someone who wants to party with me on weekends, is impossible for me. Its like people will think im a nice guy, but will never seek me out and will ignore me unless either I speak to them, or they just feel like talking to anyone.</p>

<p>Becuase of this, I ususally eat dinners alone, I have no one to hang out with, no girl will show any kind of intrest in me, and generally just feel lonely. I actually look forward to my clubs (even if during the meeting we have to do work that other memebers are less than enthusiastic about) just so I have some people to talk to.</p>

<p>Ive tried to fix this. When im talking to someone in a club or class that I usually talk to, I suggest something like getting some food after class, going to the gym, ect. But when I do that they usualy awkwardly act as if ive crossed some invisiable social barrier and politely decline.</p>

<p>My roomate (who I hardly ever talk with, and am pretty indifferent to) is the most poular kid on the floor, and its a wierd contrast. People will often come by looking for him, and when they come in to hang out, they act as if I dont exist.</p>

<p>I feel pretty screwed at this point. The semester is over in a couple weeks and everyone seems to have formed thier tight circle of friends. I feel that my college social life may be a repeat of my highschool social life. I need to make sure that doest happen. If im not able to break out of this rut here, im afraid I will set patterns that will follow me my entire life.</p>

<p>Any tips on how to fix my situation?</p>

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<p>Go hang out with people in your new classes for the semester. Show some confidence. The fact that you had to post this on CC might be a sign that you lack confidence. If you're confident, secure with yourself, and have other good social qualities, you'll have no problem making friends. People will just naturally be more attracted to you. This is coming from somebody who was once in your position.</p>

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<p>Honestly, the only reason im posting here is becuase I am honestly embarassed about feeling this lonely and am afriad it will come off as pathetic if I talk to someone in real life. I wanted to get help anonomously, and after a quick google search this seemed like the best place to post.</p>

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<p>I totally get where you're coming from, I have a fairly similar personality from what it sounds like. The thing is, though, that people rarely actively seek out others - they have so much going on that it slips their minds to invite people (or it's too much of a hassle, or whatever). Try not to take that part personally, cause it's not that they are purposely excluding you, they just haven't thought to include you. Of course some people are still jerks, but the majority really do fit in that description. The vast majority of friendships are made purely by happenstance and being in the right place at the right time, so keep getting out there.</p>

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<p>Don't fret, OP. I am a social misfit and I don't care. I study my chemistry and biology most of the day. I have been getting A's in all of my science classes thus far. I don't care about the alcoholic, over-sexed losers that surround me. Just keep your head focused on what really matters.</p>

<p>If its a girlfriend you're looking for, just watch more porn and remember how trivial women can be. They only detract from the time that can be spent studying and planning for the future.</p>

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<p>Deluxe, was your post a joke?? For your sake, I sure hope so.</p>

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<p>I am dead serious when it comes to school. I don't waste any time.</p>

<p>The last bit of my post is worded a little harsh. The fact remains that women aren't going to do you any good if you want to do something with your life.</p>

<p>NOTE: I am talking about college girls. Most can't spell their own name.</p>

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<p>^^^
That is one of the most ridiculously stupid things I have ever heard.</p>

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<p>^^^
That is one of the worst sentences I've ever read.</p>

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<p>I would try different clubs. They are a great place to meet people who are looking to meet other people. It may be the clubs you've joined aren't those kinds of clubs, or aren't really your kind of people.</p>

<p>As for girls, don't aim too high and be a little aggressive. ;-) </p>

<p>Frankly, though, you seem a little depressed. You're down on yourself out of proportion with what is actually going on. Check out "Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns to learn to attack that self-defeating thinking. Something like this: "im afraid I will set patterns that will follow me my entire life." isn't realistic. You aren't setting horrible patterns, you are growing up and finding your place in the world, like every other college freshman.</p>

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<p>There are a lot of things a living, breathing girlfriend can offer you that your orgo chem textbook never will. </p>

<p>Then again, with your attitude, I don't think that you will ever attract a girl. So don't worry about not needing a girl to get ahead in life, because you won't find one that's interested in you anyway. I don't think you're likely to make many guy friends, either.</p>

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<p>Ok, first of all it was brave of you just to post this online. This is going to sound cliche, but you absolutely must develop more confidence. There are some people who walking around just radiate unconfidence, neediness, and desperation, all of which are turnoffs to potential friends (and not just romantic ones). Don't be that person! First, take a look at yourself and think about all your good qualities; understand your strengths and think about them whenever you feel unconfident. Once you've done this, you need to start looking at the way you present yourself. Stand up straight, don't walk too fast, make eye contact with everyone, speak with a normal cadence. This stuff may sound trivial, but it matters! When people talk to you, try to sound interested in what they are saying. Everyone loves to talk about themselves, so just ask tons of questions. </p>

<p>Also, consider joining a club sports team. Sports clubs, moreso than other clubs, tend to bond together and form tight friend circles. You could potentially have a ready-made group of friends waiting for you. </p>

<p>As for girls, everything I said in the first paragraph goes double. Be confident and funny. Talk to every girl you can, including ones you have no interest in, and tease them about stupid things. Try not to talk about academic stuff too much, and keep it light. You also need to conciously start projecting an image that is attractive to women. Before they get to know them, girls classify guys they are interested in with stereotypes...mysterious intellectual, rough wilderness man, rich businessman, all american athlete, etc...You need to find one (or a combination of a couple) that suits your personality and keep it in mind. This all goes back to inner confidence. </p>

<p>Know who you are, don't care too much about akwardness and embarrassment, and just go for it.</p>

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<p>maybe join a frat?</p>

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<p>"Also, consider joining a club sports team. Sports clubs, moreso than other clubs, tend to bond together and form tight friend circles. You could potentially have a ready-made group of friends waiting for you."</p>

<p>I disagree. The badminton club at my school is pretty disconnected. I dont know about the other players, but the beginners are definitely isolated from the experienced ones. Alot of the experienced one are also pretty smug and have little interest in playing games with beginners</p>

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<p>Actually, amb3r, my friends (all male, of course) find my misogyny enlightening and uplifting. They realize that girls don't do anything but bring them down. The vast majority of girls our age are vapid and soulless.</p>

<p>NOTE: I wasn't born this way. The aforementioned women made me who I am.</p>

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<p>Husky,</p>

<p>It sounds to me like a lot what people are telling you is probably true.
It sounds like you might tend to act passively in relationships, expecting others to come to you. I say this because you mention things like "girls never show interest in me" (usually the man shows most of the interest at first--you pursue, she responds).
Is it possible that you could try setting goals for yourself?
For example, if you choose one person you want to get to know (choose a guy first; once those relationships are successful, you'll have a better foundation for healthy relationships with women), you can focus on that person. Begin by setting simple action goals that are appropriate at your point in the friendship. For example, you might begin by proactively asking your new friend to grab coffee with you for a break from homework or perhaps, if you both have time, go play pool in the student union or bowling nearby. Start small and simple, building the friendship through similar interests.
Also, remember that you will tend to be most successful in relationships with people who are similar to you in terms of personality, sex, proximity (location -- i.e., your own dorm), age, and so forth.</p>

<p>If you still struggle with this, I would suggest seeing your university counseling center. They probably offer group and/or individual therapy at a nominal cost. This could help your social skills greatly.</p>

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<p>I am so tired of reading these stupid posts on relationship problems. I don't see how posting on an online forum will help you make 'real friends.'</p>

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<p>Xchangetak,</p>

<p>Nobody is making you click - especially on "stupid" posts.</p>

<p>Nobody is trying to become the OP's friends. Posters are just trying to help the OP</p>

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<p>most schools have a counseling center. Visits are low-cost or free, and are absolutely confidential. You could benefit from talking to a counselor; you are not the first frosh who wanted to improve his social skills and increase his circles of friends. And while you can get good suggestions online, nobody here can see your demeanor, what you say in conversations and what your voice is like, etc. Meeting with someone in-person and who is trained to help can make a difference.</p>

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<p>Just go out there to some of those "people that think your nice and say hi" and invite them out to dinner with you.</p>