<p>A large part of that is the difference in campus culture. You attended Colgate, an LAC with a preppy reputation from what I heard from several friends and a Prof. who went there for undergrad. Illustrated by gossip dominated by who slept with whom and who passed out at a frat per your statement above. </p>
<p>At my undergrad, the discussion of such parental behavior wouldn’t just be about parents, but also framed as a upper/upper-middle class parent throwing his/her weight around because of his/her socio-economic status and how awful to have such a parent/student at a school which prides itself on progressive supposedly egalitarian values. </p>
<p>Moreover, I never said anything about the administration being involved in the sharing. </p>
<p>Usually something overheard by other students in a given office/hallway, a student worker, dormroom, or a supposed “friend” or acquaintance of the student involved. Not too different from how students at your college or other colleges with similar campus cultures found out about who slept with whom or who passed out at the frat party.</p>
<p>Where I went to college…back in the stone age…the LAST thing students would talk about was their parents…and they certainly would NOT discuss their parents calling the school. </p>
<p>I called my kid’s school one time. The kid knew about the call. I can fully guarantee that my kid, the faculty member, and I never discussed this call with anyone else! There is NO WAY another student would have heard about it. No way. Faculty me,bets close doors when they are on the phone. They do not broadcast who they are talking to. It’s a privacy issue.</p>
Cobrat - hate to break it to you, that’s what most college students talk about, not just at Colgate. When a parent calls the administration, no one over hears about it in a given office/hallway, that conversation is usually taken place in an office.
No matter how you would like to paint Oberlin, it is still a private LAC where there is a large percentage of students paying full fare. FYI - one of my best childhood friends went to Oberlin, so I know the school fairly well.</p>
<p>First, we don’t have frats/sororities because they’ve been banned on campus since the 1870’s. Not to mention alcohol wasn’t the vice of choice*. Too closely associated with the “establishment”. Weed and psychedelics were my campus’ vices of choice when I was there. </p>
<p>Secondly, no one really talked about who slept with whom or bragged about it. The ones who were interested were too busy trying to find someone to “hook up” with to gossip about it. Gossiping about it was also regarded by many classmates as “low-brow”. </p>
<p>Incidentally, a few Japanese international students in my dorm one year remarked at how one reason why they liked US colleges like ours was because long evening student conversations were much more intellectual on topics ranging from history to computer science with some politics thrown in whereas on most Japanese campuses…including UTokyo, the main topic of conversation among most undergrads from campus visits with older classmates was more along the lines of “Who slept with whom” or “Who passed out at a party”. </p>
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<p>Hence, my reason for including “supposedly” in my comment above. :)</p>
<p>I think you have done all you should do. You offered to help; she declined your offer. Respect her and let her handle it. She knows she can come to you for help if she needs it, but I certainly would not call the school after your daughter specifically asked you to let her handle it. How much more clear could she be? Are you sure that you aren’t more upset than she is about the way things have turned out? </p>
<p>My daughter often comes to me to vent, but that doesn’t mean she wants me to fix things for her. A little advice, sure, but if I offer help and she says, “No, thanks,” I think it’s overstepping to go ahead and do it anyway. When she really wants our help with something, she will ask. Or at least say,“yes,” when we offer.</p>
<p>I feel your pain, OP. A few years back, S#1 had a couple roommate situations that he vented to me about. His sophomore year, I had a hard time deciding whether to get involved. I didn’t–sometimes I wonder if that was the right decision because the roommate ended up flunking out–I wonder if he could’ve gotten help sooner. Meanwhile, it stressed out my S to be living with someone whose behavior was so disturbing.
However, S ended up with a single when the roommate didn’t return the 2nd semester.
Freshman year, S felt hurt and insulted when he returned after Xmas break and his roommate asked him to move out (trade places with a guy he preferred to live with.) S ended up with a single room then, too. 3 years out of college, the freshman roommate who asked S to move is one of S’s best friends.</p>
<p>If your D has to move, and she doesn’t get a single, is there any way she can meet the new roommate and see if they are compatible and set up a contract beforehand? That way she can say up front that she won’t put up with a live-in BF. Also, if her friends are that rowdy and disrespectful, maybe she should get some better friends–or at least keep the rough behavior out of her room.</p>
<p>I hope that, as it did for my son both times, this “situation” actually benefits your D and puts her in a better/happier/more comfortable position. Good luck.</p>
<p>When I spoke to D today (actually yesterday at this point) she clarified that she was told she should move, not that she must move, which was a relief. Ellemenope, I too am disturbed that she was unable to exert influence over the rowdy friends, and it’s this passivity of hers that makes me want to intervene. But per most everyone’s advice here, I’m not going to do anything until/unless D says things have gone badly wrong. </p>
<p>Roommate has been giving D the complete silent treatment since these events transpired, which makes her uncomfortable. I told her maybe moving would be better than enduring the tense situation that may well continue if she stays.</p>
<p>smythic,
Has your dau had a good heart-to-heart conversation with her roommate yet? Hopefully she can address her discomfort with the bf co-habitating in the room and they can work through some of their issues. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree with Thumper that there is no way students would know what conversations staff had with parents unless the KIDS (students) disclosed it to their friends. I attended a LAC about the same size as Oberlin. I look at our alum groups and class lists and realize I didnt even know half of my classmates, let alone any of their personal business. And neither did my friends, relatives and cousins ;)</p>
<p>Many colleges in addition to
Oberlin have intellectual discussions amongst students and staff in the times outside of class. This is NOT unique to Oberlin and does not mean that the students there would be more privy to confidential conversations between their parents and staff. It also does not mean that students would share this info. To be honest, if THAT type of conversation after hours is what you are referring to as intellectual, I would graciously say…it’s not intellectual. It’s gossip.</p>
<p>Exactly!! We didn’t have any greek life at our school either, and sports were pretty limited at the time. We had plenty of intellectual conversations and quick, witty, clever banter (a bit like we sometimes have here in the parents forum, mostly). Heard some entertaining stories from someone who worked at the Kennedy compound as a cook one summer (Ethel had her furniture covered in the clear plastic slipcovers), and there were plently of well known names at the school if we cared to comment about them. We didnt.</p>
<p>I just want to know what college aged kids were doing in a room that resulted in knocking a bookcase over. Playing football? I suspect that if the situation were reversed and the D had called home reporting that her roommate had a party in the room without her being there that got so out of control a bookcase was knocked over, there would be some concern. </p>
<p>I think mom should stay out of it since the D said she can handle it.</p>
<p>About throwing full pay weight around, it does occur. An acquaintance, after seeing the FB page of her D’s future freshman roommate during the summer, called the college and said her $50,000+ a year could go down the road to a neighboring institution the very next day unless they gave her D a different roommate. The D got a different roommate the next day said the proud mom. True story. </p>
<p>But in this case, as I said earlier, I think there is more to the story and the OP should just stay out of it.</p>
<p>I said as much when I said Oberlin and colleges with similar campus cultures earlier. </p>
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<p>The characteristic of the intellectual conversations at my LAC were influenced by the campus culture’s tendency to infuse nearly everything in terms of politics and instances of someone exercising their socio-economic privilege at the expense of institutional fairness was considered fair game by many students. </p>
<p>Not that I necessarily agreed with all of it as I thought the “leftier than thou” ****ing matches and people having falling outs over minor political disagreements got ridiculous at times, but students were much more concerned about politics and issues related to it than who slept with whom or who got drunk or at my college heavily stoned. </p>
<p>Some of it was laudable…like protesting the School of the Americas which trained brutal South American Dictators like Leopold Galtieri* of Argentina during their days of heavy handed dictatorship…especially considering many students willingly risked arrest to try shutting down the dubious institution. </p>
<p>Others like the excessive factionalism between students with only slight differences in their political positions or intolerance for those holding views of the Green party or to the right of them…are justifiable cause for biting satirical commentary at the ridiculous extremes they can get. </p>
<ul>
<li>Involved in the 1970’s era “Dirty Wars” when thousands of dissidents or those accused of being such were “disappeared” by methods such as being dropped out of high-flying helicopters by the military regime in which he was a key member.<br></li>
</ul>
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<p>That jumped out me as well. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, many people…not just undergrads weren’t raised with the idea that if you are a guest in someone’s living space or borrow their items, that one should treat them BETTER than your own and if not, the onus is on you and/or guests responsible to be apologetic and make good on the damage/disruption. </p>
<p>One weird example I remembered was how when I was visiting a younger friend at his campus, he showed me a DVD he lent out to a classmate that was returned soaking in sesame oil. Huh??? And that DVD wasn’t cheap due to it being a foreign import that is hard to get here in the US. Also, no apologies or anything from that classmate.</p>
<p>And sadly, I’ve even seen older adults like 50-somethings pull the same crappy behavior when it comes to borrowing things or damaging things while a guest at someone else’s house.</p>
<p>My advice to your daughter would be to buy a small “peace offering” to roommate (nothing elaborate, a favorite snack, chocolate chip cookies) and a note with full apology and hope they can “fix things” and offering to sit down and listen to RM to find out if anything was actually damaged beyond repair. Your daughter would then find out what RM’s issues are. If they are legimate (maybe kids have been rowdy in the room more than once, maybe rm has found party items from daughter’s friends), then daughter would have to change or move. If it was truly one incident and rm is not responsive to repairing the situation, daughter could go to RA and explain the situation and that she feels the need for some mediation. I would tell her not to complain about the bf until that time. </p>
<p>While it may well be that rm is simply unhappy that she has to share, rm may have some legitimate concerns as well. </p>
<p>Roommate issues are a bummer. The BF there all the time seems like a bigger problem to me. A bookcase could be knocked over by someone leaning on it; there are never enough places to sit in a dorm room. I am in the camp that thinks roommate wants the room for herself and BF. </p>
<p>The OP’s daughter is lucky that there is someplace to move, but I agree with those who say it would be good to meet the next roommate first.</p>
<p>Leaning on a bookcase? I would think this would be imprudent not only for knocking it and its contents over, but also for the real potential for damaging any books/items due to leaning on it. </p>
<p>Sorry, but if the bookcase was knocked over, that illustrates the OP’s D’s guests manifested little/no respect for the RM’s property or for appropriate boundaries. Why were they anywhere near that bookcase in the firstplace…especially considering many bookcases are placed against the wall on the side of each roommate’s half of the room. </p>
<p>As for lack of room, most students IME dealt with it by sitting on the bed of the host, bringing in extra chairs, made do by sitting on the floor, or opting to hang out in a larger space like someone’s else’s larger dorm, off-campus apartment, or student lounge/center.</p>
<p>At this point, it really does not matter HOW the bookcase was knocked over. Others seemed to think it would be difficult to knock over a bookcase. I do not. Maybe there was a rowdy mob of people in the room and they intentionally dumped the bookcase. More likely it was one of those flimsy thigh high cases that rock and tip when you bump into them. </p>
<p>According the the OP, the roommate was less than considerate with the constant guest in the room. Having to leave your own room to change clothes is ridiculous to me, for example. However, as soon as something happened to her stuff, she flew off. And there probably is more to the story.</p>
<p>Agreed about there being more to the story. IMO, however, knocking over a roommate’s bookcase is just as bad as having the boyfriend over all the time. </p>
<p>Both are manifestations of lack of respect and sense of appropriate boundaries for the other respective RM. </p>
<p>However, since the OP’s D didn’t complain about it at the time it occurred, she’s going to be in a weaker position to complain about it now, especially considering the RM has what sounds like a legitimate grievance and voiced it in a more timely manner.</p>
<p>Funniest post I’ve read today. I almost choked on my pita chip. :D</p>
<p>Regardless of who is at fault here, I agree that the situation is not likely to improve. If this were my kid, I’d suck it up and pay to get her moved to a single. Next, I’d try to help her with her passive personality and conflict resolution. But this situation is just going to interfere with her ability to focus on her education, which is presumably the main reason she is there.</p>
<p>“I just want to know what college aged kids were doing in a room that resulted in knocking a bookcase over. Playing football? I suspect that if the situation were reversed and the D had called home reporting that her roommate had a party in the room without her being there that got so out of control a bookcase was knocked over, there would be some concern.”</p>
<p>Really? You can’t imagine maybe 4 friends in a room, talking, retelling a story of something funny, maybe in an giggly mood, and the enthusiastic story-teller takes a step backward and bumps into the small bookcase, making it rock slightly, dislodging items? It’s happened to me in my own bedroom, as I went to close a door and knocked my shoulder into the Target bookshelf I have by the door. Come on! Dorm rooms are small, many dorms don’t even have common gathering spaces like lounges (My D’s school does not), and I can see how such a thing could happen with no ill intent, no out of hand clowning around, but just people being people, having a nice time in a small space! Accidents DO happen.
I had a roommate who always had the boyfriend over, and he wore a spiked neck choker and liked whips. I moved.</p>