<p>cobrat-
You appear to be blending two different comments from two different posts and two different posters into one quote, and responding as if it were one, and it doesn’t make sense (and its inappropriate to merge different comments from different posts and different posters into one quote. Its misleading). I was talking about the interesting intellectual discussions and clever repartee we had both in college and on cc in the parents forum. Thumper was referencing gossiping about a parents cvonversation with a faculty member. As for your reference to friendships breaking up over political differences, thats petty. And sad.</p>
<p>And I think we already heard about your friends’s sesame stir fried CD earlier in the thread.</p>
<p>Accident or not, one is still responsible for any damages/disruption incurred by the RM as a result. IME, folks saying “they didn’t mean to do it” or “It happens” are like folks who say “What’s the big deal” in the same situation. </p>
<p>Having an attitude which betrays a deep lack of appreciation for the fact that regardless of intent…if you/your guests break/damage/cause a disruption your roommate’s/housemate’s property…you’re responsible to apologize for the incident AND to make good the damages/disruption.</p>
<p>Cobrat, I don’t see anything in the OP that indicates any kind of damage, just things weren’t placed back correctly. Assuming that is all it is, I find it ridiculous that the RM wants the OP’s daughter to move out. It was an accident, look up the definition.</p>
<p>Some people are very sensitive about people even touching their stuff. Knocking it over adds to that as there was a real potential for something to be damaged. Accident or not, the incident happened and the roommate is upset…and IMO…justifiably so. </p>
<p>It shows OP’s D’s guests weren’t as careful and respectful of her RM’s stuff as they should have been. </p>
<p>Moreover, while dorm issued bookshelves may not be the best, they’re not so light and cheap that they can be easily knocked over without a good amount of applied force…such as from horseplay. </p>
<p>For starters, having bookshelves so light they can be knocked over by incidental actions like the closing of doors could pose a serious safety hazard for which the college could be liable.</p>
<p>Oh please. If the roommate was that concerned about being respectful, she’d have asked the OP’s dau how whe felt about the BF spending so much time in the room. She sounds pretty self focused.</p>
<p>I’d be curious as to what happened to the first roommate in that room…</p>
<p>Exactly. Didn’t read anything was broken, just put back incorrectly. Oops. Belongings were respected, not destroyed. No brats in the dorm room, just friends hanging out. I think the roommate was just waiting for a reason to complain. OP, your D is handling this, and I hope she doesn’t move out. Let the roommate stew a bit. Your D should just be a sweet as pie, but stand her ground too.</p>
<p>Back to the topic. I think the OPs mom should let the kid handle this situation with the residence life staff. Or maybe the OPs kid has a lot of cousins or friends who have been in similar situations and can give her advice:)</p>
<p>While you have a fair point, she had the opportunity to complain about it upon moving in and held her peace. In so doing, the roommate understandably felt that communicated tacit acceptance of her actions rightly or wrongly. </p>
<p>By bringing it up after her guests caused a legitimate grievance for which RM voiced a complaint in a timely manner, OP’s D is in a weaker position to voice her grievance regarding the RM’s BF. </p>
<p>It’d look like an attempt to divert attention from her responsibility for the RM’s complaint over her guest’s actions and the RA/admins would understandably wonder “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”. This line of reasoning isn’t too far removed from how investigators and judges would approach similar untimely voiced countercomplaints in the real world.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but if the roommate is so intolerant that this warrants wanting the OP’s daughter to move out, well then they are going to have more problems in life.
Puking in the room and not cleaning it up is grounds for wanting a move out. Having loud sex while trying to sleep is grounds for wanting to move out, but moving a few items on a bookcase, seriously?</p>
<p>First, there’s a gulf of difference between moving a few items on a bookcase and KNOCKING IT OVER. </p>
<p>Secondly, what right/business does one occupant of a dorm have to touch/move items on his/her roommate’s bookcase unless said RM gave the ok ahead of time? </p>
<p>Would YOU like if if your roommate/family member moved items on your bookshelf or in your room without you knowing it and thus, cause confusion as to whether something was misplaced, lost, or even stolen? Especially in a dorm setting where thefts are an unfortunate reality.</p>
Yes, she was being considerate. The roommate was NOT. Not clear if, when the OPs dau moved in, the roommies BF was already settled into the room. Its very difficult to be the new person, trying to fit in and adjust, and to start to make what may appear to be demands. The Roomie with the bf should have done the right thing and asked new roommie how she felt about it. She did not. Selfish and inconsiderate in my book.</p>
<p>Doesnt matter what it “looks like”. The OPs dau should use this as an opportunity to address all roommate issues.</p>
<p>The OP states that her daughter took responsibility for her friends’ actions. Does that mean just apologizing? If there was no damage, I don’t see what more she can do after the fact. If there was damage, has she offered to reimburse her for said damage?</p>
<p>What should she do to “take responsibility” for this in your eyes Cobrat, if in fact the items were simply moved and not broken or otherwise damaged?</p>
<p>Cobrat, now you are just making things up. Nobody was accused of things being misplaced, lost or stolen. Things were simply not put back in their correct place. Oh my, takes the RM 5 minutes to fix. The OP did say that their D DID take responsibility for it, which for me indicates there was an apology. What more do you want? 100 lashes with a wet noodle?</p>
<p>What was on that bookshelf that was so valuable? My kid had a bookshelf. It held books, a teddy bear, and a picture. Nothing valuable. And even IF the picture had broken (nothing else was breakable), it could have been replaced. Hopefully the OPs D replaced anything that was damaged.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s difficult. However, most people aren’t clairvoyants and/or have the same notions about lifestyles. Best to clear the air at the very beginning so everyone’s on the same page rather than assume things or to “try riding it out”. Onus was on both Op’s D and roommate, here. </p>
<p>If RM’s unwilling to budge or give her a hard time then, she has information that said roommate’s incompatible and could justifiably ask for another roommate. Not to mention if she reported the BF back then, that complaint could be on file and if said BF violated housing regulations of that college…it’d be on the RM’s head…not OP’s D. </p>
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<p>It seems to have mattered. The RA/housing admins have communicated that they felt it would be best if OP’s D moved. Seems like they’ve already accepted the RM’s account of D’s guest’s issues, rightly or wrongly. </p>
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<p>Keep in mind that even the OP may not be getting the entire story as it’s all coming from her D who has already admitted that one of her guests knocked over her RM’s bookshelf. There may be much more to this…</p>
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<p>No. Just observing from witnessing many folks having to deal with folks who are cavalier about being careful around the property of others when it comes to borrowing them or being guests in a shared living space. </p>
<p>I’ve also had to mediate a few such disputes between different friends who are housemates post-college. </p>
<p>One issue which frequently comes up is that some folks are extremely sensitive about anyone even touching their stuff…and others having absolutely no sense of boundaries and conduct themselves like bulls in a china shop with unfortunate consequences.</p>
<p>I think Cobrat and others think there may be more to the story than that a few things were “out of place”. We are hearing this from the parent of the girl whose friends knocked over the bookcase and whose daughter originally told her she was being forced to move out. It is hard to believe the RA would suggest the daughter move out if the sum total of what happened was a few items were simply “out of place” and that the daughter was appropriately apologetic. </p>
<p>Two possiblities: the incident is minor, daughter was appropriately apologetic and the RM is blowing it out of proportion becaue either she doesn’t like OP’s daughter or thinks she will have the room to herself OR it was NOT a minor incident and the RM has good reason to be mad at the daughter, the daughter did not really take it seriously, etc. Nobody (including the OP) except the kids involved know the real story.</p>
<p>In any event, the daughter has to handle it herself. No need to get nasty.</p>
<p>** Edited to say cross-posted with Cobrat #76</p>
That would be my H. He likes to rearrange things in our home all the time. He also likes to move (hide) my laptop, purse all over the place. After 30 years, I have a pretty good idea where he puts them now. You know, it really isn’t that big of a deal. </p>
<p>No, cobrat just thinks it is a big deal to move other people’s stuff, especially his stuff. It must have happened quite often to him growing up.</p>
<p>This wont be a popular response but two points stand out for me: </p>
<p>1) there is likely more to the story because the story alone as shared does not justify RA (RM?) saying move out </p>
<p>2)daughter may be mature wanting to handle it but may also be hiding something. multiple moves is very disruptive and there is just no way that should be the first response here</p>
<p>Your daughter may have reached age of legal majority but that doesn’t mean it all should be on her shoulders. there needs to be a transitioning and being on her own and responsible for herself-hygiene, class attendance, homework, laundry, etc is all likely more than she carried a year ago. Dont be afraid to stay close enough to figure out if there is a problem she really needs help with. She needs to be able to focus on her studies. Every room/roommate change brings additional burden for her.</p>
Couldnt disagree more. As the new person in the established room, it would be extremely difficult and probably out of line to come in like a bull in a china shop and start making all sorts of demands.</p>