<p>^^^^^^</p>
<p>Best advice I’ve seen so far!!!</p>
<p>I appreciate all of the advice. There is a lot involved here, and it won’t be solved overnight. And there’s also a few parts that strike me and make this transition even harder. I’ll elaborate on it and I’m sorry if this makes me seem like a bad person. I’m just trying to be brutally honest with myself to sort this through. </p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about it all night and so far today, and here’s my problem: I don’t know this girl, and she’s new to my school. She’s nice, but she’s already texted me like 10 times today and I can get that she’s going to be clingy. I’m NOT okay with this. </p>
<p>I’ll be honest: I don’t want a new bff. Or even a new friend. I have enough, and when friendships form, they’re natural, not “hey, housing said your room had an opening, call me, oh you seem nice, let’s go finalize this, hey I’m gonna eat with you and have you show me around, and hey I’m gonna text you now and tell you a lot of random details about my move and then badger you with more when you don’t respond.” </p>
<p>I get that she’s just a friendly person trying to make a friend and a roommate is the first person you get to know. I know what it’s like to be new, even if I already had friends. however, this isn’t necessarily fair to me. </p>
<p>When I was by myself, I was fine. I woke up on time, went to class, did my homework, ate with friends, cleaned my room, bought and rotated groceries, and did things that you’re supposed to do as a young adult. I started getting nervous and anxious the days prior to and now during getting the new roommate. </p>
<p>I’ve concluded that I’m a very solitary and private person. I didn’t get close to my roommate last year because I didn’t want to, and that ended up badly. I remember that and don’t want to put myself through that again, so now I’m analyzing where I should live. </p>
<p>In my opinion, there’s nothing in life that makes you live with a complete stranger you didn’t know/ask to be in your room. The only thing is college when you have to live there. I don’t have to live at mine, and when the time comes that I get a job, I’ll already know that I’m responsible and fine when I’m on my own. </p>
<p>I’ve realized that I just don’t care about the whole college experience. Honestly, I care about myself, and this is making me crazy. I don’t think it’s right to dump myself in a room, feel awkward and uncomfortable around someone because I don’t want to be bffs and just want to do my own thing, be miserable about it, and possibly have my grades go down just to prove that I could stay away. Most people commute anyway, and as I read on another thread, staying away is a luxury. </p>
<p>So, that’s where I stand right now, and I don’t think I even want to go back to my dorm tonight. I’m getting emotional and tense. I just have a bad feeling and I can’t describe it. I don’t know if it’s just general anxiety or whatever, but I still don’t feel right about it. </p>
<p>I should have paid more attention to my doubts about living on campus before I even moved in. All I feel is regret! When I’m talking to adults, all I can think is “how lucky you are to live at your house. I wish I could live at my house.” I had thought I would miss living on campus if I didn’t, but now all I want is out. </p>
<p>I’m sorry if this makes me seem cold and insensitive. But I just want to feel comfortable again, and I’m not. Like my mom says, she wants her happy Middlebrook back. And I want her back, too.</p>
<h1>"I should have paid more attention to my doubts about living on campus before I even moved in. All I feel is regret! When I’m talking to adults, all I can think is “how lucky you are to live at your house. I wish I could live at my house.” I had thought I would miss living on campus if I didn’t, but now all I want is out. "</h1>
<p>Actually, I think this is great. One of the hardest things to learn is to trust one’s own instincts and act upon them when everyone surrounding you is telling you to do the exact opposite. </p>
<p>While I think you will benefit from counseling, I don’t think you come off as cold or mean or insensitive. </p>
<p>Good luck with everything. I hope things get better and better.</p>
<p>Op- I don’t think you sound cold and insensitive, but you sound like someone going through a mental health issue which is far bigger than typical "I don’t like my roommate’ or “I am experiencing some minor and perfectly normal anxiety over a change in my living situation.”</p>
<p>You may end up with a total stranger as a roommate after you graduate college. You may end up with a total stranger as a roommate one summer during a fantastic summer job in a new place/strange city. You may decide to study in China for a semester junior year and may need to live with a host family if there are no dorms available. You may have to share a hotel room on a business trip because there is a blizzard and the airports are closed and every room within 50 miles is booked (this did happen to me… I had a choice between an armchair in the lobby or sharing a room (two queen beds) with a stranger- she seemed nice and totally normal, so I did it.</p>
<p>My point is that deciding that you don’t like this roommate based on a few random texts, and that therefore you don’t like sharing space, and therefore you are going to live at home is an outsized reaction to what is, in the course of real life, a couple of small irritants.</p>
<p>I’m not telling you that there’s something wrong with living at home. There isn’t. Nor is there something wrong with deciding that you need your own creature comforts and therefore, you don’t like dorm living.</p>
<p>But the evidence that you’ve posted concerning this new roommate seems flimsy at best, and I think you could benefit from some counseling to learn to deal with this type of anxiety. Your roommate is trying to be friendly. Your roommate may have picked up on some of your anxiety and has thought (mistakenly as it turns out) that if she’s super chatty and makes it clear that she wants to be your friend, you will be less hesitant about living with her. Your roommate may have gone into the relationship assuming that you will dislike her due to her religion or culture, and so (again, mistakenly) may have been given the advice by her mom or a friend, to be very friendly and non-threatening and make it clear that you want to be a buddy, and not some hostile presence in the room, glaring at her when you are both in it together.</p>
<p>Can you see her side? Do you realize that she may just be trying to reduce your anxiety by being friendly and non-threatening?</p>
<p>I think it will be sad for you if you give up on this experience so early in the game, just because your mom has made it easy for you to just head home and shut down this experiment in communal living. No, this isn’t as important as your grades or your academics, but learning to manage one’s own anxiety over new and scary experiences is probably a close second in terms of what college can do for you.</p>
<p>Give it another few days??? Please???</p>
<p>OP, I respect you for trying to deal with your issues. But at the same time I sympathize with your roomie–if you can step back for just a moment, look at her position, and see that in some ways it is very similar to yours. New person on a new campus with a stranger in a dorm room, needing some support and something familiar, reaching out—</p>
<p>Right now you are likely not in a mental state to appreciate someone else’s mental state. But please don’t demonize the poor girl as being inappropriately needy or because she is Muslim and you are deeply Catholic.</p>
<p>OP–Your reactions to this situation are way over the top. Please go to the counseling center and make an appointment. </p>
<p>An outsider reading your last post may get the following impression:</p>
<ol>
<li> Spoiled brat</li>
<li> Self centered</li>
<li> World only revolves around you and your wants</li>
</ol>
<p>How do you think your new roommate feels? Oh wait, you don’t care how she feels. On the other hand, everyone is supposed to care how you feel.</p>
<p>She moved into the room and you went home. How would you feel if the table was turned?
She’s probably wondering what she did to make you want to leave. I think it’s wrong to shut her out when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong. She’s not Catholic–so what. She looks different than you–so what. </p>
<p>Address your anxiety. Stop making excuses and stop placing blame. You have a problem and you should really get some help for it. You can’t control every aspect of life. With help you can hopefully learn how to deal with transitions and new people.</p>
<p>Be nice to your roommate.</p>
<p>You’re still very young and some lessons can take years to learn. But here’s advice I give my own kids when I think they’re off track: it’s not all about you. </p>
<p>One of the best ways I know to get my mind off myself and my little world is to give back to someone else, especially a person who’s having a tough time of it. Back to the example of my international roommate - yes, she was needy. Yes, it turned me off at times to the point I had to take a break from her. But all in all, I was the one who gained the most from our relationship.</p>
<p>I understand you have your own issues right now, but whatever you decide, please consider your roommate’s feelings. She probably feels very alone, and if you could be there for her, you may very well help yourself in ways you never imagined. Think about it. :)</p>
<p>I’m really sorry that I’ve strayed into the “woe is me” territory. I’m not like that at all. However, when you have a really, really important decision to make, sometimes you HAVE to be selfish. Every day I’m losing $50 that could get refunded to me along with peace of mind, and I feel so pressured to make a decision. </p>
<p>I got bullied by my roommate last year because I wasn’t assertive enough with my feelings and what I really wanted, and I wasted a few months of my life trying to make an ugly situation pretty when I should have moved out to begin with. I DID care about her feelings and tried to include her on things, but it just didn’t work and I didn’t realize it until a while later. I was too young, and I still am. And I don’t think it’s just the roommate. Any stranger would still make me anxious. </p>
<p>I’m really not trying to blame anyone or make excuses. The cold-cut truth is that I’m not a good roommate and that I probably shouldn’t room with people. I like my peace and my routine, and I don’t react well to change. And I gather from everyone here that I must have some kind of anxiety disorder. But that’s beside the point. </p>
<p>I’m going to decide what to do this weekend. I’ve kept my roommate adrift of every development because I do care that she knows what’s going on. She does deserve that. She knows I’ve been thinking about leaving far before she came. </p>
<p>So… That’s that. I have an exorbitant amount of things to do for class and my on-campus job, so that will come first. When I have time to think and feel more purely, I will either go back to stay or go collect my things.</p>
<p>I’ve made the mental and emotional decision to come home for good, and I’ve told my roommate (who is very nice about it and encourages me to do what’s best for me), but now I feel like an awful person who’s just running away from change and from any new opportunities… </p>
<p>I think I really made a mess out of nothing. And now I’m even more stumped, because I want to be at home and be comfortable yet I already kind of miss having my dorm room and feel dread for having to go move it all back. </p>
<p>I really do need to seek professional help for my reactions.</p>
<p>And I need to do the rosary.</p>
<p>Your roommate sounds like a fantastic potential friend for you. So even if you aren’t living together, that’s one positive thing that might come out of the situation.</p>
<p>Running away from change doesn’t make you an awful person. Assessing (and getting help if need be) why you react the way you do in certain situations is a big step forward. Sometimes the biggest learning is from situations that don’t go so well. Becoming more resilient to the things that shake your cage is a wonderful hallmark of maturity.</p>
<p>You’ll get there. One step at a time.</p>
<p>Thank you, blossom.</p>
<p>Just now I had some hard core regret and doubt about moving out (I looked through pictures of my dorm and my stuff and realized how I became attached to it the week I had it to myself). I had a bit of a crying attack (just from these pictures and from how I did feel about them and could feel about them!) and my mom told me that I’m making myself sick. She also pointed out that the fact that I can’t even come to a decision shows just how immature I truly am. She asked how I’m supposed to handle adjusting to a new lifestyle if I can’t even adjust to a decision that she spent hours discussing with me. (we made a pro/con list to make it a physical thing, we analyzed the more important factors, called housing to see how the moving out process works, discussed my future and if I’ll ever live on campus again, etc) </p>
<p>It’ll be stressful moving out the next few days, and I have a lot going on with class and work, but I think I should go to the counseling center on Monday.</p>
<p>I think at some point your mom should go with you too.</p>
<p>I do think whatever you decide joint counseling with your mom is needed. Anxiety is one thing but it does sound like your moms current approach of catering to you isn’t working. It is increasing your ambivalence and may be what is contributing to your self centered approach to your roommate. </p>
<p>My D is struggling with anxiety now as part of her college adjustment. My first advice was for her to get out of her own head and go do something for other people. yes you should work on yourself but one way of coping is doing for others. </p>
<p>As a former Catholic that is what I was taught. Helping your roommate get acclimated may be the healthiest thing you do for yourself and the most Catholic.</p>
<p>My daughter has a serious health problem that is occasionally dangerous at night. Rather than bring her home and interfere with her adjustment to college, I actually went in and slept on her floor for a couple of nights during a crisis. I came latish at night and then got lost early in the morning so noone knew I was there and so that my daughter still experienced her daytime normally. That’s how far I would go to avoid bringing her home to her “warm bed” at home. </p>
<p>That said, another daughter decided to leave college entirely after the first week of her sophomore year, and came home. She lives here to save money. We maintain certain boundaries and have rules with each other about what we need to tell each other, what we can ask each other, in order to maximize her autonomy while also honoring my needs. She is rarely here and has a busy life with work, class, and friends.</p>
<p>So whether you are at school or at home, it sounds like something needs to happen with your relationship with your mother and vice versa.</p>
<p>I cannot do editing for some reason. So I will add: </p>
<p>Are you in treatment for anxiety? If your anxiety is longstanding and severe, I can understand your mother’s welcoming you home, but you need treatment, including meds.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like you have sort of fragile boundaries of your self, which makes you sort of merge with your mom, but also makes the presence of a new room mate (a “stranger”) more threatening to your equilibrium. Does that make sense to you? The solution would be to go out in the world and build those boundaries up, rather than return to the home/womb so to speak. I am not a psychologist (obviously) so that is just my intuitive sense. Don’t have big regrets right now. Just move forward from home for now and try to build friendships and activities that strengthen your sense of self.</p>
<p>Hi OP,</p>
<p>I think you are getting some great advice about pursuing the counseling. I’ve suffered from some anxiety in the past, and I have a parent who suffered with it tremendously. Your posts sound to me like you are trying to create a rational argument (can’t stand having this roommate for these 10 reasons) because in truth you are desperate to escape the root causes of your anxiety (being away from home? Or maybe something that isn’t really conscious?). </p>
<p>This all needs to be explored with a licensed therapist because it becomes super difficult to separate the anxious feelings from whatever happens to be occurring when they hit you. Every part of your being is telling you to “exit the situation”, but unfortunately, when you do, it just becomes that much harder to face the situation the next time.</p>
<p>I really, really feel for you. Anxiety is just an awful feeling that goes waaaay beyond worry and is a physical set of symptoms. Behavioral therapy could be hugely helpful . . .</p>
<p>Also, I really don’t think you are immature. I think you are paralyzed by the decision because of the anxiety. I think you know that you need to become independent intellectually - - but your emotional (and related physical) responses are so overwhelming that you just cannot simply ignore them. And then, when you think you’ve made the right intellectual decision, the anxiety just gets much, much worse. </p>
<p>Please definitely reach out for help . . .you sound like a terrific and bright young person with tons of potential, and now is a good time to nip this anxiety issue in the bud.</p>
<p>Have you considered staying temporarily with one of your friends to see how you are as a roommate with someone you know?</p>
<p>Whether you stay at school or return home, you need to be in counseling - several people here have told you as much. You have anxiety, that’s pretty clear, and it needs to be dealt with. As bad as your anxiety seems to be, it is not something you can work through yourself, and your mom is not trained to help you in the ways you need. Most colleges offer counseling as part of their campus services, so go in and talk to someone, ASAP!</p>
<p>Your mom has made a good start by helping you look at pros and cons, but she is not a disinterested third party. She cannot maintain the necessary emotional distance necessary to help you. She also has needs of her own that should be addressed. You may not want to hear this, but your anxiety may be getting in the way of her healing - she is remaining strong for you, and she may have done so last year because she knew it was shorter term.</p>
<p>The college actually did you a disservice by placing you in a room alone (ok, your original roommate is responsible, but they could have assigned someone before the semester started). By having your own room, you have avoided becoming part of the campus, as you did last year by moving back home. You need to listed to your friends and get involved. Moving home give you the excuse to not get involved, because you have things to do at home, because it will require you to drive back to campus to participate in weekend activities… </p>
<p>To you, It doesn’t feel like you’re making excuses, but you are. This is not about having a roommate, it is about being involved and immersing yourself in what you perceive as the “college experience.” When you didn’t have a roommate, you were able to insulate yourself, and remain in your room, and avoid campus life. With a roommate, that’s a bit harder. To be honest, I think the college did you a favor by assigning this particular roommate. They gave you someone who will understand your experience - someone who is new to campus (and to be honest, so are you to some degree), someone who may want to try new activities and see where she fits in. You might not become the best of friends, but it’s far easier to be “the new kid” when you’re sharing that experience with someone else.</p>
<p>At some point, you are likely to move out from under your mother’s roof. You can argue that it doesn’t need to be now, but the question then becomes when, and under what circumstances? Now is the time to develop your own circle of friends - your support network. You have a good start in the friend who took you for a walk, but you need to develop that network. As you’ve said, it’s only you and your mom - what happens if she’s not there anymore? The reason 3 generations in a home works is that one person being removed from the equation doesn’t throw everything out of balance, there are others to fill the space. You will not be crowding your mom out, the space is expandable to welcome as many as you want. You experienced the loss of your father, and part of your anxiety may be a fear of losing your mother - which is heightened by not seeing her on a daily basis.Much like a small child going to daycare or school for the first time, you need to immerse yourself in the campus experience, and make your heart understand that she will still be there when you return home. You returning home over and over is like the parent who keeps visiting the classroom every hour or so. It feels like it’s helping, but in the end it just make the experience harder.</p>
<p>Guys, this is a teenager you are talking to.</p>