Getting new roommate and reevaluating my emotional balance. Help :(

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m not going to take a position on whether you should live in the dorms or at home, but regardless of where you end up, I recommend that you seek medical help with your Anxiety Disorder. Anxiety Disorder runs in my family. It has a strong biochemical/genetic basis, but it is also triggered by environment. My husband’s anxiety is triggered by major changes/transitions and feelings of helplessness in the face of uncontrollable events. It first surfaced in adulthood after back to back experiences with a couple of natural disasters. His reaction to these events was to develop OCD, which is in many ways an attempt to control the uncontrollable.</p>

<p>I would not be at all surprised to learn that your love of routine and repetition (rotating groceries, for example) is a mild OCD behavior through which you try to get a handle on the scariest changes in your life (the loss of your father, leaving home, etc.). Your intense desire for a predictable routine is so familiar to me. In my home, even a happy surprise (like a surprise visit from a long absent friend) can be a cause of discomfort. It pains me when my husband misses out on potential sources of joy in his life because unexpected events challenge his ability to feel safe and like he’s got things under control. Even going on vacation can be hard for him because it throws off his routine. He has, through a bit of therapy and many years of medication, regained much of his ability to cope with change, but major changes do cause occasional setbacks.</p>

<p>I urge you, wherever you choose to live for the moment, to tackle your anxiety head on. It will not just go away. You can try to solve it by increasing the routine in your life, and you should do this to some extent, but you must not give in to it entirely. If you do, you will rob yourself of so many wonderful experiences and sources of joy. You’ll probably never be the sort of person who relishes change, but you will be much happier and healthier if you develop the capacity to handle it. </p>

<p>Please also know that you are not alone. Anxiety Disorder is extremely common. There are lots of effective treatments and many wonderful doctors and therapists who can help. And dealing with it while you are young and not yet totally set in your ways is the best. My son, who shares his father’s genes and predisposition to anxiety, started treatment for the disorder when he was in elementary school. Just last month he left for an out of state college where he is extremely happy. He has had no anxiety at all about leaving home. I am amazed and so happy for him. I wish you the same. I know that it is possible. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Definitely get the counseling. Being Catholic with a Muslim roommate has nothing to do with your problems. One of my favorite movies was “The Sound of Music”- Maria was told by the nun in charge that the convent was not a place to hide from the world. Saying rosaries is hiding from solving your problems. A good priest will direct you to counseling (I was a Catholic through college, know the ins and outs).</p>

<p>You have a group of friends. You will miss out on a lot by living at home. You need to get to the roots of your dorm phobia, not just run away from life. Add counseling to your education and learn why you have problems. Do not delay this until you are done with college. You need to be able to handle life away from home someday- you don’t want to give up career opportunities because you won’t leave your comfort zone. Now is the time to get free help- and when it won’t interfere with a job. </p>

<p>Take the step into the college counseling center. Good luck.</p>

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<p>I’d like to thank everyone for all of your help and support. It’s very helpful to hear how people can relate to these feelings and about their experiences, and I can clearly see that I do have an anxiety problem. You wouldn’t be talking about it so much if I didn’t, and I really appreciate it. I’ve been looking up therapists in case my university’s health center refers me out or something. </p>

<p>Also, I turned in my room key today. I’ve been doing a lot better at home, and even though it’s only because I’m fleeing from the change and the hardship, I need to be on my game for classes. I know I have to adjust at some point, but I’d like to try it without the consequences of poor performance in school. I’ve managed well so far and strive to keep it up.</p>

<p>Also, I’m going to try and be more social and out there. I started working at my school’s writing center this year, and everyone there is so friendly and nice. We’re going to a writing conference across the state soon, so that’ll be another little test and learning experience for me. I’ll be about 6 hours away for 2 days and won’t be able to come home. Hopefully I’ll get better enough by then to not make a scene or anything.</p>

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<p>Middlebrook I think you have taken the spirit of all the advice and made it into your own plan, which is progress already. I love that you decided to get involved in something to start building connections at school, and am so glad that you really do feel better at home. Things will work out: give yourself time and keep trying to get “out” there. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Middlebrook, you sound like a wonderful person . . .and I hope that all of your choices work out terrific for you so you can enjoy your year, do well in your classes, and have a very happy life! I think it is all going to work out!!</p>

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<p>Hello everyone. I’d like to again thank you for all of your compassion and your help, and I’d also like to provide an update, though I’m afraid it’s bittersweet while veering more towards bitter. I really appreciate everything you’ve done, and I’m truly better and have a clearer head. </p>

<p>It’s been about a month since I’ve moved back home, and while I’m doing great, I’ve found that you all were right in your precautions: my mother is an enabler and needs counseling herself. This really pains me to admit, but I don’t know how I can lie about it anymore, and frankly, I don’t know what I can do about it. </p>

<p>Money is tight, and while that’s been a continuous struggle within itself, it’s changed her. My father has been gone a while now, and she’s grown used to doing whatever she wants. She doesn’t have a social life except for going to work at her 29 hr/wk preschool job, and when she comes home, she talks on the phone to her mother/coworkers and drinks beer until she goes to bed around 7-8:30 (unless she stays up late talking to old friends on the phone, which includes drinking more). </p>

<p>I went through her checkbook earlier today because she was freaking out about not being able to pay the bills, and I had to go through and balance it because she hadn’t done that in a month. I noticed that she’s spending about $40-$60 a week on beer and cigarettes, and when I mentioned that, she snatched up her checkbook and went on some long rant about how I need to start paying bills regularly because I have all my money saved up from moving out and from working. </p>

<p>While I would completely agree and encourage my doing so, I feel very troubled about all of this. She blew up quite suddenly over this, and everything lately has been “the end of the world.” Coming home from work, she always “works harder than I can even understand” even though I’m routinely at school from 8-9:30 going to class, work and then studying (I’m not falling into that trap and trying to compare. I’m just showing how, indeed, I have obviously long days where you can say I work hard). She’s always topping me in some way or the other, and she’s very childish in her retorts and I’m easily picking up numerous fallacies that a Master Degreed person should probably not make (again, she drinks every night, probably between 3-7 cans depending on the night. And she’s been doing this for a while). </p>

<p>My main concerns are:</p>

<ul>
<li>depression </li>
<li>alcoholism </li>
<li>denial of both and of not being able to handle her finances </li>
<li>bipolar in her flare ups at me</li>
</ul>

<p>And now I wish I had never moved home. She was happy and nurturing at first, but now it’s right back to how it was and I feel caught up in her struggle. I also wonder if I’M the reason she’s doing this and if she’d be better if I moved out. </p>

<p>I can function just fine here (I get to school really early and come home later, so I can get a lot done away from this environment), but I worry about HER. I mentioned today that she needs help, and then she laughed cruelly and said “yeah, coming from the 19 year-old who can’t (bleeping) stay away at college because of her over-the-top anxiety.” </p>

<p>Basically, I left the argument at “I can’t help you until you help yourself. I helped myself and am working on my problems, and now it’s your turn.” I really can’t do much, and I can just try and stay away from home as much as possible if it gets worse. I just want to be in my bed at the end of the day and to be by myself in my own space, so I’m completely fine. </p>

<p>I’m just really worried about her, but what can I do?? I give her an allowance every week, offered to (and was helping her to) balance her checkbook and break down how much money she needs and when, and am working my butt off to stay busy, make money, do well in school and get better. My grandmother slips her money when things get tight, and I’m afraid my mom’s using that as a crutch. She says “well, I didn’t ask for it” and makes that erroneous justification of the poor that not asking yet still relying on something is okay. She’s just so lost and down from where she can be. </p>

<p>I know that’s a lot, and I’m sorry if I’m defeating the purpose of this thread by adding this. It’s similar, though, and an extension, so I thought I would put it out there. </p>

<p>Thank you so much, and I am doing better. I just wish my mom was, too.</p>

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<p>Go to your student counseling center and talk to someone about how to cope with this. I’m sure you are not the only one with this sort of parent problem and someone there can give you concrete ways of improving your situation-such as improving your mental state over this. There are coping strategies they will know about. Remember- students pay fees to have counseling centers so the nonacademic aspects of life don’t hurt them. Use what you have paid for. </p>

<p>Doing all of your studying on campus and using your home to sleep is a good idea. You have to learn that you can’t solve another person’s problems (something we parents all need to get used to with our children). You need to put/keep the blinders on and take care of yourself. It is not your job to take care of your mother. You can’t force her to take better care of herself. It is NOT being selfish to look after yourself first. Once you are secure in who you are and your place in the world you can begin to do what you can for her. Do not feel guilty for her problems. You can prove she did a decent job of parenting by doing well in school academically and otherwise. I’m afraid that if you expend your energy trying to help her on your own both of you, not just one of you, will be in trouble. Save yourself so you can be able to safely help her without destroying yourself and your future.</p>

<p>We expect to hear you have gotten more help from your school soon.</p>

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<p>You doing very well in a challenging situation. It sounds like you’re a much stronger person than you originally thought.</p>

<p>If you can fit it into your schedule (and you do need to find the time), can you find and attend Ala-non or Ala-teen sessions for relatives of alcoholics? I also like the counseling center suggestion (they likely would know where to find such groups).</p>

<p>Staying away as much as possible to do your schoolwork is a good idea. You may, however, have to just be around a few hours a week for your mom. Not to counsel or balance a paycheck or anything major. Just let her know you’re there. This may sound bizarre, but she may need to hear another person breathing and walking to know she’s not alone. It won’t be easy or pleasant right now.</p>