<p>I posted this in the "College Life" section as well, but I feel I may get some more experienced and educated answers from here.
Hi, I've never been on this site before and I know you probably get a thread like this once a week. I'm struggling right now with my recently (2 days ago) exed girlfriend of 10 months.<br>
We had a very happy relationship with few bumps. I told her things like "You're the only girl for me," and "I want to be with you forever." That was how I felt. Then this little thing called college came along...
I always promised her things like "We'll be just fine in college," which I thought was how it was going to be until I got here and saw so many things that I wanted to do but that I was never going to be able to do with a GF. Not just partying and stuff like that, which I'm not a big party animal, but just having no responsibilities other than school (no job). Also, I see girls everyday that I find attractive and compare them to her. She's no swimsuit modle, but she's attractive and very loving. I know I'm a shining example of the phrase "out of sight, out of mind," but I can't help it. Plus there are a few individual girls that I'm interested in.
So I drove an hour and a half to her college Wednesday night to tell her. She's not too far away, so I wouldn't call it a LDR, more like medium distance. Well, I felt like I had to do it in person and that it would be cowardly for me to do over the phone or AIM.
The poor girl even held onto the thought that I was coming to surprise her with something (Surprise!). She said things like "How could you?" and "So you're just ****ting on everything we had?" It's the truth: We had it good. Her family liked me and mine liked her. There was nothing wrong.
That's part of the reason I feel so bad about it and why it's so hard. There wasn't really anything wrong. I just feel like I would do better on my own. Actually, I don't know if I'll do better on my own, but I want to risk it. I want to see other girls. I want to take a gamble.<br>
Now I feel bad. But only when I'm reminded of her. I even went on a date with one of the girls I was interested in last night and I enjoyed it very much until I got back home and talked to her. The thought that I might be making a mistake kept going through my mind. But also the thought, "You never know's right unless you know what's wrong," was as well.
Can someone give me advice on this situation? If I'm doing the right thing, what can I do to feel better about breaking this poor girl's heart? She said that she would wait for me if I changed my mind, but only for so long, which is sort of comforting. Was I suffering from "Grass is Greener" syndrome? Any help would be greatly appreciated and sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give as much information as possible. Thanks.</p>
<p>Don't look back. You are doing what is right for you and that is the right thing. I think the girl should have applauded your effort to talk this out in person and also to cut her loose early in the semester so she can get on with her college life. Don't rethink, look back or be guilted into changing your mind.</p>
<p>is she stil in HS, or a different college...either way, she will get over you..she will, I know you think she will moon for you forever, but she won't...and if she does, well, it is better you are apart now</p>
<p>One piece of advice, cut back on the contact, why are you calling her after a really fun date? eww....that is just giving your EX (remember she is an EX), hope and you won't really appreciate the other girls if you are pining away as well</p>
<p>You are dating she is waiting, sounds not such a good deal for her...she needs to get out there and date as well, and you talking to her often does not help her do that</p>
<p>You see your ex as a 'poor girl", so it would almost be pity dating to go bac...is that what you want or what she deserves...</p>
<p>My advice is to stick by your decision, have fun, and cut back on the phone calls for awhile, you have moved on, she needs to as well, but you keep on chatting like a BF you are giving her hope which is just mean..</p>
<p>I agree. Move forward. S had a long term relationship (3 years) that ended during Sr. year. He and ex. gf ended up attending same college and living in dorms next to each other (coincidence). They have gotten over their old relationship and dated others and now are able to just be friends. So stop calling your ex and let the whole thing cool off. You may still be able to have a friendly relationship down the road if you want to.</p>
<p>Agree with CGM. Now, my advice: Ideally, you would have done this before college and had an actual discussion about it. Alas, you were too short-sighted for that. Now, your "punishment" for being short-sighted is that this lovely, sweet girl will eventually hate your guts, and you'll miss out on (IMO) one of the best things about dating - having a wonderful friend in your ex who knows you in ways that your other friends don't. </p>
<p>Date other girls. Don't call her afterwards. Understand that she's adjusting to college and, in the middle of all this, you chucked her. Rough timing. No high school friends around to throw darts at your picture; no one in college understands the relationship enough to commiserate nor is close enough to her to help much. </p>
<p>CGM is right - if you keep talking to her, she'll have hope. Or, worse, instead of going out and meeting people and establishing relationships at college, she's talking to you. The double whammy - not only did you break up with her, but calls from her are making it hard to develop a social network. </p>
<p>Not trying to be harsh - just trying to point out that your ex-girlfriend is going through a lot. But yes, you made the right choice. You would have resented her a lot otherwise. From her perspective, the relationship did not run its course.</p>
<p>I don't think your ex will "eventually hate your guts", but you do need to stop calling her. You are definitely too young to be settling down - take some time to learn who you are and enjoy college.</p>
<p>The only way to help her heal is to break off all ties. That means no phone calls, IM, etc. Be sure and tell her you were wrong to make promises you couldn't keep....because you were. Your ex sounds like a great catch for someone, so don't encourage her to wait for you. Also, if you start getting homesick and missing her in a couple of months, don't start calling her up again. You'll just put her through the whole thing again. Instead, if you start missing her, you need to be man enough to stay away from her and let her get on with her life.</p>
<p>Boy, this hits home. My S's GF of 3 months called him and broke up 4 days into college, his freshman year. He's away at college, but not far (1/2 hour), and she was staying home and going to CC. I have no problem with her breaking up, but they went through this big goodbye scene before he left that now doesn't make sense. It's hard to be on the receiving end of a breakup when you're newly far from home, but I guess it's not unusual. </p>
<p>I would agree that you shouldn't call her. Given the situation, I don't want my sons's former GF calling and adding to the drama.</p>
<p>Sorry guys, I guess I should have clarified. She's the one who called me last night. I didn't contact her.</p>
<p>And would it be wrong to call every week or so to see how her family is? I wouldn't bring up anything about people I've met.</p>
<p>It would be wrong to call her every week. It seems to me that you want to keep her as a backup in case things don't work out with other girls. It's unfair and dishonest.</p>
<p>I know that I can't do that and I'm not going to. I think she asked if I would keep in touch with her. But now that I think about it, I don't think it would be the best idea to talk to her. It just feels weird knowing that she's not there for me to go over to her house to hang out or that I'll probably never be able to talk to her again. It makes feel really bad.</p>
<p>Of course it makes you feel bad. You're in the middle of lots of changes/upheavals. But you conducted yourself honorably, so there is still the possibility that later, with time, you will be able to reestablish a genuine friendship. But you cannot force that....it may happen, or it may not. But many months--maybe a year-- will have to pass before you will know. For now, the kindest thing you can do is give her space to find her new equilibrium and form new relationships.</p>
<p>jaybee, I have a theory about what happened with your Son and the GF...she knew she was going to break up with him, but didn't want to have that nasty goodbye, with people mad at her, the families all talking, etc. I am not saying you would have been, but that is probably how she saw it</p>
<p>Fake it through the last few days, and then break it off. Not the best way to do it, but that is my take on it.</p>
<p>To the OP- if she is calling, don't answer, or keep conversation as short as possible, can't talk, have to go, lots of homework, take care....</p>
<p>when I was dumped by a guy many moons ago, I wanted to call, still hoping and a praying...i actually wrote notes on my phone to NOT call, I out a rubberband on my wrist and everytime I thought about him, I snapped it )ow) and did 30 jumping jacks, got me out of the urge and was soon past that hurt stage-</p>
<p>There is indeed a possibility that you are making a mistake.</p>
<p>My advice is to set a period of time in which you won't contact her. Month, several months, Christmas, whatever seems right to you. No contact. Not even for checking up on her family (which, honestly, I found a little fishy--weekly calls to check up on her family? I hope that you check up on your own family at least weekly!). No matter how painful. In the meanwhile, date, party, whatever you want. You can kindly tell her that you are cutting off contact for now, but don't tell her your internal "deadline". She might then just pine and hope until that date.</p>
<p>At the end of that time, you and she will IMO have a better sense of where you are with each other. Maybe the heavy odds are that you both will have moved on--you might even forget about the "deadline" and have it pass without your even noticing. But there are also some odds that maybe you two do really fit well together. IMO you'll know better after the "deadline".</p>
<p>Your ex GF is dealing with shock and hurt feelings right now, but in the long run I doubt she would want to be with someone who didn't truly want to be with her. As others have said, you are very young, and aside from the work, that first year of college can be a really exhilarating and fun time. Maybe not the best time for a steady relationship.</p>
<p>Yea, I've felt less lonely and better about myself lately. But I think that has to do somewhat with another girl I've met. Which leads to the situation I'm in: I really like this girl, but I don't know if I should try to start a relationship.</p>
<p>Well it just got a little complicated. I just talked to her on the phone for about an hour. At the beginning, it was sad and i felt terrible. As the conversation progressed, I no longer felt as bad. And I don't know why I didn't feel so bad. She cheered me up and I cheered her up. I did not think it would be like that considering what has happened.</p>
<p>She told me that her best friend of 18 years pretty much ended their friendship because my ex was talking to her boyfriend about me because he knows me and her friend interpretted that as my ex trying to take him. And one of her close guy friends is blaming my ex for breaking him and his girlfriend up. So basically she has had a terrible week.</p>
<p>It felt so damn good to talk to her and hear her laugh and make me laugh because I know that she hasn't done much of it in the past week and a half. I just got off the phone with her 5 minutes ago and I actually feel really good and I think she did too.</p>
<p>But I still wonder if I'm making a mistake. Sure, the freedom of not having a responsibility has been nice but I contemplate if that will last.</p>
<p>I'm just very confused right now. Like I see girls all day and can't help but think what it would be like to be with them. But then when she calls, I remember all of the good times we had. </p>
<p>Sorry I seem like such a whiner, I just think it is best to turn to other people for their experiences. Thanks.</p>
<p>rich, my D went through that two and a half years ago (she initiated the breakup). Both thought they could stay friends, and have continued talking. The result of that: ex boyfriend has been a silent partner in two subsequent relationships she has had. Ex has never gotten over her and has never tried to date others. Now that she's "single" again, ex is back in the picture, hoping the relationship can start up again. D continues to like him as a friend but doesn't feel romantic about him, but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. . . </p>
<p>You get the picture. That idealistic effort to be friends, to cling to what was good, has prevented both of them from moving forward. In your case, because of lingering feelings (hurt, guilt) on the part of one or both of you, I think it's best to have no contact and move on. There can always be a move back to the old relationship if circumstances favor it. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>okay, I had to reread the drama a couple of times, so if I have it wrong tell me:</p>
<p>Your EXGF was talking to her friends BF, and her friend broke up an 18 year friendship because of a conversation about YOU....</p>
<p>Your EXGF is also being blamed for breaking up ANOTHER relationship</p>
<p>Is it me, or is there a pattern you are missing....</p>
<p>One GIRL is mad at EX for her talking to her BF
One GUY is blaming EX for breaking up his relationship</p>
<p>Yeah, not to judge or anything, but think about why her week was so bad, what SHE caused herself...just wanted to point that out</p>
<p>My point was that she, the HS girlfriend, is all involved in HS drama, and now, so is her EX...</p>
<p>He asked us for advice on whether to keep this relationship going, about contacting her etc, he was asking the questions, brought up why he was helping her, and how it made him feel. And how bad he felt that she had such a rough week. I merely pointed out that some people create their own problems, and to have TWO people so mad at you over boys, well, what can I say...it is interesting, especially, if the OP is considering going back with the EX.</p>
<p>When a person has different people blaming them for kind of similar problems, one has to wonder, that is all...one girl accused her of trying to steal a bf, and gave up 18 years of friendship, another boy accused the ex wrecking his relationship....pretty serious accusations to just brush off....</p>
<p>You attack of me is interesing. My post was just to point out something to the OP he may not be seeing, or is choosing to ignore. If it is nothing, then it is nothing, but me, as a mother of two teen girls, having lived through much HS drama, I think I probably am not far off. </p>
<p>If I am, fine, but to not point out the similraties of the cause of the difficult week is not giving the OP what he is looking for-advice</p>