Girlfriend from HS

Parents Forum
21

<p>Rich...</p>

<p>It's been many years since I was a freshman in college but let me tell you what happened to some of my peers.</p>

<p>The transition from hs to college did cause many breakups...they dated others for awhile.... but.... later on.... many got back together and eventually married and lived happily ever after. These couples are the ones who met "good ones" in hs but needed to "date others" for a bit until they were old enuf to settle down. Maybe that is what is in store for you and your ex. Who knows.</p>

22

<p>Sorry, I forgot to mention that her grandma has to have immediate surgery on her aorta. City, what do you mean she brought that on herself? And who is attacking you?</p>

<p>Yea, that thought has been running through my mind as well and I've heard it from a few other people. I think I would like if that situation did occur. I just don't know if it would end up that way.</p>

23

<p>the post attacking me is gone....ah well</p>

<p>the grandmother thing is sad and difficult, but the other events, my comments were food for thought, there aren't really coincidences in life in relationships, so when a person has two people suddenly very angry at them for something pretty similar, it should give one pause....</p>

<p>for instance, if my D comes home and tells me two girls are mad at her, and for simialar but different reasons, I will not automatically assume my sweet girl is innocent in any bad judgement, wrongdoing etc...unless both girls are part of the same clique...but when a friendship of 18 years is gone because of percieved boyfriend stealing, and another relarionship is broken up and blamed on same girl, do you think your Ex was totally not at fault for any part of it?</p>

<p>That is something you need to ask yourself, and its not a deal breaker for a friendship, people mess up all the time, but you need to ask yourself if you are really helping someone by not aknowledging at least to yourself that this person has caused or abetted some of their own social drama</p>

24

<p>my D had a friend with a terrible BF-- so much garbage and drama-- after listening to it for months, and my d and friends consoling, caring, they finally said, this is an unhealthy relationship, you both are creating all this uncessary stress, he is repeating the same behaviors over and over, and you keep tryig to fix and help him, but its the same old stuff...they had decided they weren't going to feed into the drama by saying exactlly what the friend wanted to hear, it didn't help the girl, who was in denial a lot of the stress she had created....finally, she acknowledges a lot of the drama etc was of her creation....</p>

<p>it is a bit different, but the concept is the same, very often people create or help along emotional and social crisis, and until you can see how you are part of it, you will just keep doing it, its all part of learning from mistakes, growing up, and maturity...and for a HS girl, its all still okay...no one expects it to all happen at once, but there should be progress and change</p>

<p>does that make sense....I have 2 daughters, with lots of friends, so I hear the stories...so I get it...so I am just giving you my perspective from experience, that is is...</p>

<p>you sound like a very caring person, and want the best for your Ex, but sometimes the best isn't always agreeing and realizing that sometimes, people may be part of the problem</p>

<p>its not like you have to say, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!, but that when you are giving advice see all sides....that is being a true friend</p>

25

<p>It's just so hard because she was such a sweet and nice girl. I want to message her and tell her that I miss her, but I know that I have to hold myself back. I still want to cry sometimes, but I keep my composure. I'm really lonely and feel empty.</p>

<p>So what should I say to her when I tell her that we shouldn't talk any more? Should I say something like, "maybe one day we will be together again, but that time is not now?"</p>

26

<p>
[quote]
It's just so hard because she was such a sweet and nice girl. I want to message her and tell her that I miss her, but I know that I have to hold myself back. I still want to cry sometimes, but I keep my composure. I'm really lonely and feel empty.</p>

<p>She cheered me up and I cheered her up.</p>

<p>I think I would like if that situation [reunion and eventual marriage] did occur. </p>

<p>It felt so damn good to talk to her and hear her laugh and make me laugh...I just got off the phone with her 5 minutes ago and I actually feel really good and I think she did too.</p>

<p>But I still wonder if I'm making a mistake.</p>

<p>

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Wow. You don't sound like a guy who is ready to break up and date others.</p>

27

<p>You get credit for at least breaking up in person; too many today think IM or email is appropriate.</p>

<p>I would tell her that you both need some space right now to see how each of you feel, then plan to talk at a designated time in the future, a month or two down the line.</p>

<p>You may find that although there are a lot of new girls close by, the grass is not necessarily greener...</p>

28

<p>The OP doesn't want to break up with his EX....he thinks she is a sweet girl he can help....even though or because she has all this drama around her, and I am not talking about grandma</p>

<p>I have seen so many times where one person (male or female) is amid lots of emotional and social crisis, and at often that person is partly the cause of that drama, yet looks for someone to rescue them, help them out because everyone is mad at them...well, sometimes that anger is justified, but the person helping out doesn't see that...</p>

<p>I sense that here...its not a bad thing, but its is not the best thing either</p>

<p>I am not judging, but speaking from experience- my own, my Ds, my Ds friends....and with what the OP has told us about what happened since he has been gone...I just think he needs to see if drama is around to draw him back....</p>

29

<p>It seems to me that OP wants to keep his options open on all fronts. </p>

<p>Healthy relationships don't work that way. You have to make some decisions, and live with the consequences.</p>

30

<p>so i sent her a message a few days ago explaining that i wasn't sure if i was done with us yet and that we should spend a time period apart, but i didn't tell her the time period. i told her that she should go and see if there is someone better for her and that i will be doing the same and if either of us find someone better, than that's what will happen. only time will tell what happens.</p>

<p>she replied that this had made her think too. she said that she is looking for someone better too and as much as i hated to hear it, she said she realized that there are other guys besides me. she closed the response with
"one thing is for sure no one can ever take a way what we had with each other and no one can replace it. just keep in touch and keep this openess so we can know whats going on. i wish you nothing but happiness.
♥always & always"
so that made me feel surprisingly good. it sucks thinking about her being with another guy, but i completely knew that this was a consequence, but it made me feel so damn good that she understands.</p>

31

<p>You obviously didn't love her enough to stay with her. Sounds more like a brother-sister relationship.</p>

32

<p>"that she understands"</p>

<p>too bad she has figured out she needs to take care of herself, finanlly</p>

<p>I am going to make a predicton that one of you will break witihin a week- with some drama or some excuse to reconnect...</p>

<p>jsut a gut feeling</p>

33

<p>well, she called me today and her grandma had a stroke. she is semi-alert and i think she is suffering from memory loss. she is home right now. on the drive home, she called me and was crying hysterically. she said she had to go and i told her to call me when she got home. well, she called back 2 minutes later and we actually had a really good conversation. for the last 30 miles home, we were laughing on the phone and i cheered her up. this time on the phone, she felt more like a best friend than a gf, even though some of those feelings were still lingering.</p>

<p>i'm going to go see her tonight for a few minutes. i can keep it strictly as friends. the thing i'm worried about is her saying things like "i miss you." i don't know what i should do if she says that. i think i'm going to talk to her before and say that we HAVE to act as friends. anyone have some advice for me?</p>

34

<p>you are walking a thin line, but you know that...no advice...you are being a friend, and I have to say, your GF, well, she is going through something sad, but be VERY careful, because as a woman, I can see how she could use this situtation to get to you...so you can just be strong, but also, she needs to have others around her to comfort her, if she counts on you too much, that would worry me</p>

35

<p>If you truly don't want the relationship to continue as it was, you have to establish firm boundaries and not communicate with her for awhile.</p>

36

<p>if its not her grandma, it will be a mean person, or a bad grade, or something else....</p>

37

<p>i know it's a touchy situation. that's why i plan to clearly say that it can't be like that. if she does start that, i'll let her know that she's going too far. </p>

<p>CGmom, i really don't think its a situation of her having a reason to call me. i told her to call me if anything happened to her grandma because i knew she had to have surgery soon. </p>

<p>on the phone, it felt more like a friendship. i hope she understands that.</p>

38

<p>Well, I texted her and asked if she still wanted to meet up and she said, "I need to see you." I told her ok, but I told her that we have to remember why we are meeting up since it was the first time meeting up as just friends, nothing more. Well, she replied, "Yea, nevermind, I'll be ok. I'll be fine on my own. Thanks for your help today." So, I didn't meet up with her. You all called it; she wanted to see me to do that stuff.</p>

<p>Her grandma is doing better and they say she will probably recover, but her grandpa who has been in ailing health is now doing bad and says he is done with treatment. Her life isn't so good right now.</p>

39

<p>when grandparents die it is very sad, but it is the cycle of life (sorry to steal the phrase) and she will be fine.</p>

<p>peoples' grandparents pass all the time, and everyone deals with it....if she falls apart because of it, the issue is bigger than you anyway, and she has lots of people to help her and I think she will be okay, she has told you that,and you need to trust that....it would be gracious if either one dies, to send a nice card to the family...</p>

40

<p>I'm more than willing to talk to her and console her, but only if it is kept within friendship boundaries. I can keep my part of that.</p>