I’m a junior in college and have been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. My current rooming situation is not conducive to a relationship. I live in a double and my roommate seems to have something against a committed relationship, so having my girlfriend over is awkward and unpleasant. Unfortunately, she commutes to a different school and lives at home. The only time we can really spend any time together is on the weekends, and she has to come here because we have nowhere else to go. My roommate is blatantly rude to both of us and makes it clear that we are not welcome. He asks us to find somewhere else to sleep regularly despite me never asking him to leave (I don’t care if he is there because all we want the room for is to sleep at night) and him kicking me out regularly to hook up with randoms.
I’m currently trying to find a new living arrangement, but I want to know if I’m in the wrong here. I’m practically never in he room and never ask him to leave. Since we’ve been together for over a year, I would expect that my roommate would have some patience and understand that we’re going to want to spend weekends together (including sleeping in the same bed) since this is our only real time to do so.
These are the tricky things about living in a dorm room. Dorm rooms are not really conducive to extra temporary roommates of any type unless the permanent roommates agree to each other’s guests, usually worked out in advance. Your roommate is telling you this by his actions rather than being open and honest about how he feels about it. Apparently you haven’t been honest about how you feel about his hook ups with randoms either, whether you mind or not.
I certainly understand that you want to spend time with your girlfriend, time that includes her sleeping over, but it isn’t something that you can “expect” given your current situation, since neither you nor your roommate are communicating honestly with one another. Perhaps opening up this discussion and maybe ways to compromise might be the best way to go, however, you know going in that your roommate may not agree to go along with what you want. However, until you find a different living situation, you don’t have much choice if you actually want the situation to change.
I don’t mind his hookups and I don’t even mind being kicked out of my room at unreasonable hours on a regular basis as long as it means my girlfriend can sleep there 2 nights a week. Which I think is very reasonable. I found somewhere else to sleep the night before an exam because he wanted the room for the entire night, and I do things like that all the time. It’s sort of an unspoken agreement (we actually don’t talk at all because our lifestyles and attitudes on life are polar opposites)
Again, you don’t appear to have a problem with it and he does. Relationships can be unfair sometimes. Time to do something about it (aka talk about it and make a plan you can BOTH live with or be more assertive about moving), if you want the situation to change.
Who wants to leave the room and be extremely inconvenienced by someone trying to have sex with as many girls as possible all while not being allowed to spend time with someone they’re likely to end up with for the long run
I am almost definitely moving out. But it’s still frustrating that college makes it difficult for people who are not into the hookup culture and that I’m made out to be the bad guy when supposedly I’m the one who’s doing what an adult is supposed to do
It is inconvenient for both parties. It has nothing to do with who is right and who is wrong here, or whether or not the hook up culture is more rewarded than a someone who isn’t into that culture. You are willing to inconvenience yourself, but your roommate isn’t too happy about it. You didn’t work this out with him to begin with. If you want to spend weekends with your girlfriend in your room and that is a priority for you, then perhaps it is time to get a single room or an apartment off campus. It is what it is.
Your roommate didn’t sign up for a room where there is a third person of the opposite gender staying overnight. You need to pony up the money for a single and move rooms, or get a hotel when she is in town.
I would sit down and talk about this with your roommate.
Make rules as to how often you/he can have someone stay over, and also that you are allowed to veto the request if you have an exam or whatever the next day.
You could also say that if the doesn’t want your gf over, then you are cool with having a no overnight guests rule too.
I think that’s a good decision. My brother told me that one of the worst things that could happen in college was to get paired with a roomate you didn’t get along with.