Hello! I am an undergraduate freshman at Temple University and my roommate is starting to bother me. He has asked before if his girlfriend could stay the night and I conveniently was away that night so it was no problem with me, but since then he has asked me to leave the dorm for the night twice wanting to know if I could sleep in a different dorm. I did not know how to say no, so I simply told him that I would’t be able to sleep somewhere else but I would let him have the room until a certain time. However this time, he went out of his way to ask guys in another dorm if they would let me spend the night so I kind of have no excuse now. A one time thing would be no big deal but he has mentioned he intends for this to happen once every other week.
I am not worried about directly telling him I don’t want to be kicked out all the time, however I want to make sure I am in the right before I do. So my question is, is my roommate being reasonable or is it weird for him to ask me to leave all the time? I would be perfectly fine with leaving for a few hours so he could have time with his girlfriend, but leaving for the entire night seems a but excessive. So whether this is just a common college thing that I need to get used to or if he is being unreasonable, I would love any feedback!
Your roommate’s girlfriend isn’t the problem. Your roommate is.
Your parents are paying for that dorm and you “want to make sure (you’re) in the right” before you protest for “being kicked out” of your own room? You don’t need an “excuse” not to leave. The answer your searching for is, “I don’t want to.” Your roommate is taking advantage of you. He has no business asking you to leave for the night or making arrangements for you to sleep elsewhere. Tell him that you’re not leaving, but he’s welcome to go spend the night in his girlfriend’s dorm if he wants. If he doesn’t like it, suggest he go to housing and request a new roommate for next semester.
I think it would be useful for you to tell your roommate what weekends you will be gone and then he can make plans for those times. Say that otherwise say you don’t intend to vacate the room and that he will have to make plans to go elsewhere.
“he intends for this to happen once every other week.” So once in every 2 week period?
Is it a pain, yes. But if I got along with my roommate in all other ways and liked the guy, I’d suck it up and bunk with some buddies one night out of every 2 weeks.
Nope, I’d let him know when you plan to be away anyway, and also that if he gives you advance notice you can let him have the room for a few hours on other nights. Otherwise, if he is old enough to have sex, he is old enough to spring for a hotel. He doesn’t get to find alternate lodging for you – he is the one who has to find an alternative.
I agree with @intparent, Your roommate literally needs to “get a room.” Assuming he is 18, he can spring for his own hotel room. Otherwise, I agree with the idea of letting him know what dates you plan to be gone, so that he can make arrangements for his girlfriend to spend the night then.
Your roommate is a bully, pure and simple. He wants YOU to vacate YOUR room whenever HE wants, and he’s making YOU feel like the bad guy? Ridiculous. Part of growing up is learning to assert your rights.
My wife, the queen of passive-aggressive :), when her roommate would have “company,” would just march into her room, turn on whatever lights she needed, and go about her business, leaving them with the option of staying or finding another place for their activities. Generally they left.
I would advocate a more direct approach; tell him “no, sorry, this room is as much mine as it is yours, and we can discuss private times for each of us, but I’m not sleeping somewhere else whenever you want me to.”
Your roommate is being a jerk, honestly. I would just tell him “no.” You own that room just as much as he does; he has no right to kick you out because he wants to have “fun” with his girlfriend.
Can’t he have this “fun” at her place or during times when you aren’t in the dorm?
Can you speak with your RA about this? Don’t think of it as snitching; you may need to bring someone from the outside to remedy the situation.
The whole night?? Your roommate is being ridiculous. He is the one that needs to find another room when he wants a full night of privacy. If you’ll be away for the weekend, let him know so he can plan. Otherwise he can get a hotel room or find someone with a single who’ll stay in your room for the night and let him use their single.
Or you can charge him RENT to use your room. Not sure what the Hilton would charge in your area,
but maybe $200/night might be about right ? Might be worth it to crash on a couch for $400/month.
Of course he can go to a real hotel for a similar amount.
And show him this thread, so he sees most people do not think he has the right to his request.
I have friends who lived through that hell with their roommates in dorms and trust me…you are right to be upset because it is a pretty big imposition for you to basically be kicked out of your room for a night or for the whole weekend every other weekend.
What IS reasonable, though, is exactly what you proposed to your roommate. Like, “Hey man, I totally understand that you want alone time with her but this is my room, too, so I’ll clear out between the hours of __ and , but you should assume that I’ll be coming back at __: pm and you won’t have any privacy after that. If it was me and my girlfriend, I would expect the same from you. It’s not cool to basically kick me out of the room for half of the weekends here the whole school year.”
If your roommate continues to be a tool about it, then talk to the RA about it and get your RA’s help to mediate the disagreement so you can find a solution that will work for both of you.
And trust me…your roommate & his girlfriend will get creative and find other places to have sex.
Oh…and this might sound obvious, but sometimes you never know…if you don’t want roommate & his GF to have sex w/you in the room, then you need to flat out tell him. Sometimes butt head roommates will go about their bedroom business assuming that the other roommate is asleep. Just a heads up.
Wow, am I such a newbie college parent prude that I find your roommate to be a complete tosspot, to use a great British word? Hell to the no! I assume both your roommate and his girlfriend have some access to cash. They can use it and get a room. Or they can be creative, but whatever they do is not your concern. You need to lay down the law with the roommate and live in your room as you please. If one night you feel generous, you can mention you will be out of the room from the hours of 9-12, or whatever, but don’t make any sacrifices for their convenience.
And what if you get a girlfriend and want the favor returned?
I’ll remain the outlier and repeat that if the roommate is a good guy and someone you see being friends with, crashing with some other folks 1 night out of 14 isn’t a big deal. It’s what you do to “help a bro out”. College students do this for each other frequently.
@doschicos , there is a difference between helping a bro out and being taken for a sucker. Don’t you agree? If the OP had a girlfriend also and wanted the favor returned, that would be different. But it isn’t cool for the roommate to force the OP to sleep elsewhere. Maybe he likes his roommate, but OP is going to like him less if he is treated like an unwelcome house guest in his own home.
@Lindagaf Stand by my statement. Of course the OP can say no but i still think its no big deal. If it was more frequent I’d understand. My kids have done the same for their roommates over the years and visa versa. Same for me back in the dinosaur ages when I went to college. Getting sexiled several times a week or constantly would equate being a sucker. Twice a month does not in my book. But hey, we’re pretty flexible people.
If he has a huge problem with it, which I guess he must if he’s posting about it on CC, then he should advocate for himself and say no. No need for drama.
It’s interesting that most (all?) responses are from parents. I’d be curious as to see what the norm is amongst college kids.