Going Crazy (Need Help)

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello fellow parents!</p>

<p>My daughter will be graduating high school this year, and I'm very worried about this whole college admissions process. She's our oldest so my wife and I aren't really sure what to expect. I'll admit that I'm none too familiar with the college process myself as I only attending a couple years at a community college.</p>

<p>Anyway, my daughter wants to apply to at least 8 schools; however, this seems like too many to me? Is this a reasonable amount or should I limit her to 6?</p>

<p>I also want her to go to a school nearby. We live in California and the closest UC to us is UCLA. My daughter doesn't believe that she can get into this school, yet I don't think it hurts to apply. What other colleges should she consider if we live less than an hour away from downtown L.A. and I want her to commute while she's in college? I told her that she should live at home until she gets married so she needs to only apply to nearby colleges.</p>

<p>Also, she has her driving permit but is still too scared to really practice driving that much. I don't know when she'll be getting her license so I'm a little worried about transportation during her time in college. I told her that I could always drive her back and forth everyday so she should consider scheduling her classes for only a few days a week. Is it difficult to get that type of schedule and still graduate in four years?</p>

<p>Lastly, should I allow her to have a job in college? We are a little bit tight financially (though not terribly), but I would rather she just focus on her studies...that's why she is not allowed to have a job right now.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

<p>Rob</p>

2

<p>Grades? SAT or ACT? Then we can address the other stuff.</p>

3

<p>A few points - </p>

<ul>
<li><p>Your D is correct in that UCLA isn’t that easy to be admitted to. You don’t state your D’s stats, and don’t really need to, but just be aware that UCLA shouldn’t be considered a safety by anyone and unless your D is ranked near the top of her class, has > 4.0 GPA (weighted), and a fairly high SAT or ACT score she’s wise to realize it might be tough to get into.</p></li>
<li><p>

Seriously? If you’re paying her way you can always place conditions on getting the funding but otherwise she’ll be considered an adult and should start to make her own decisions. This is also a time to experience and mature which is better done if she can live in the dorm rather than at home. Her ability to live away from home in a dorm not only helps her mature, start making her own decisions in life, and not be so emotionally dependent on the parents, it also opens up her college choices tremendously. There are also practical concerns if you’re concerned about her safety - (depending on her major - like engineering or a hard science) picture her getting out of a lab at midnight or 2am and now having to do the commute home in LA. Do you (or would she) feel comfortable with that? It’s a reality at some of these colleges depending on the major. </p></li>
</ul>

<p>Seriously consider the benefits of living on campus and not commuting and not having the parents keeping her under a constant watch as if she were a grade-schooler.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Another high end Uni in the center of LA is USC but that may be as difficult to be admitted to as UCLA and it’s not cheap unless your D gets a lot of grants. Also consider its surroundings and your D driving through there at night all the time.</p></li>
<li><p>Other UCs within a reasonable distance, but not an ideal commute distance, are UC Irvine and UC Riverside. On the UC application it’s just one app for all of them - she just checks the boxes of the ones she wants to apply to although for checkbox an adidtional app fee is required.</p></li>
<li><p>There are also CSUs in the LA area she can apply to and there are a number of private schools. Generally the CSUs are less difficult to be admitted to than the UCs in that the stats required for admission are usually lower. The private schools (which includes USC) have admission requirements all across the board with some being fairly easy to get into and some being difficult.</p></li>
<li><p>A major consideration is finances - what you/she can afford is important in selecting the college.</p></li>
<li><p>You shouldn’t impose an arbitrary limit on the number of colleges to apply to. Believe me, the cost of the apps is nothing compared to the cost of college. Rather, she should consider the concept of ‘safety’, ‘match’, and ‘reach’ and make certain she has a good couple of safeties in her list.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>You can check on each college’s website to see what the stats of the 25% and 75% of admitted students were for the last year and your D can see where her stats align. Search for ‘Common Data Set’ on the college’s website.</p>

<p>On the job in school - again, what do you mean by ‘should I allow her to have a job’? It’s not your choice. She should do what she wants. It’s often recommended to not have a job at the very beginning unless financially necessary but after that an on-campus job is usually considered a good thing that can allow her to experience the college at a different level, interact with staff and faculty, make connections, and even make some money adding more to her independence. It also looks good once she applies for jobs after grad.</p>

<p>If you post the rough stats and her desires (not yours - hers) regarding location, size (big, medium, small), financial restrictions (need full ride to able to do full pay at expensive private), and desired major, then posters can suggest schools that might fit well.</p>

<p>This is her experience, not yours.</p>

4

<p>Scheduling classes “for only a few days a week” (assuming you mean about 3) can be difficult if not impossible and would more than likely mean an extra year to graduate or more, depending on her major. Maybe she should consider the local community college so that she adheres to your requirements? </p>

<p>I think your idea that she live at home until she gets married" is also rather restrictive, unrealistic, and not particularly rational on your part-- almost like you are living in the past when you need to get into the present.</p>

5

<p>You are very, very late in the process. She (not you) should be well underway with her applications. </p>

<p>An alternative path to college applications is this:

  1. Pick an asteroid college – this is a college that she would survive at, happily, if an asteroid fell from space and obliterated the house, the family, even the family budgy. If she were truly on her own, she needs a low key, affordable college. </p>

<p>I hate the term “Safety college” because it becomes “Looserville” in too many kids minds. Think of this first application as a “Emergency Back up” college. It may be very small and not very selective, but still credentialed and has some nice feature (near the beach, near a favorite aunt, has horseback riding – whatever). </p>

<p>Have her apply to the Asteroid college first as a “Dry run” application. </p>

<p>2) Next sit down and have D pick a college and you pick one. Mom picks one. </p>

<p>Daughter applies to all of those three. No fights on any of these. Everyone has one pick and they don’t have to defend it. </p>

<p>3) Now D (and you) have four college applications done. You know how much time it has taken. At this point (and not before) sit down and talk about what else should be considered. You might want another trio – or D may be exhausted. </p>

<p>I think you may be making a common mistake of parents: holding the reins very tightly on Child #1. This is typically done because a parent is terrified of their “baby” being out in the world. </p>

<p>If this is you, I am really, really surprised that you would consider UCLA. We have a big, brawny neighbor kid who attended UCLA on a shot put/hammer scholarship. This is a really big athlete and he said he was nervous about parts of campus while at UCLA. It’s not known as a super safe campus – at all. </p>

<p>Your D might be a TON (sorry to use caps and scream, but this is an important point) more safer living in a dorm in a campus far from a major urban area. Sending her to Bryn Mawr (all girl’s college) in Pennsylvannia might be far, far safer.</p>

6

<p>Brand new posters sometimes have the most improbable stories.</p>

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<p>I realize that some may not believe that my daughter living at home until marriage is a good thing; however, it’s what her mother and I both did and I feel that there is no rush for her to leave home. We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood and give her everything she needs to be comfortable and happy…why should she want to live anywhere else?</p>

<p>If she does move out before then, I at least want it to be after she has completed her first four years of college. That way, I know that she will be able to focus completely on her studies and not be distracted by the “college atmosphere”.</p>

<p>My daughter has started on her apps (she’s quite self-sufficient in getting her own tasks done), and her mother and I have just been gently questioning here and there. I assume that we do need to be more involved in the process, but she seems to be doing fine on her own. She’s applying to some UC’s, CSU’s, and maybe a private school (although we do not believe that is really within our financial means).</p>

<p>On the job, both her mother and I again had to work all throughout our young adult lives. We just do not want her to have to juggle the same workload.</p>

<p>Also about the safety of campuses, if she doesn’t have her license by then, then I already offered to drive her. She wasn’t too crazy about the idea (not that I blame her…I’m not too fond of it either), but what other choice is there? Say she did end up going to UCLA, it just wouldn’t make sense for us to shell out so much money for her to live on campus when she can live at home.</p>

<p>Finally, although I don’t really want to specifically disclose her stats: her unweighted GPA is within the 3.5-3.7 range and her SAT’s are above 2000. </p>

<p>Thank you everyone for the replies so far. I know I come off as a little extreme, but I really just want her to not have to struggle in the beginning of her adult life.</p>

8

<p>Safest college campuses
[10</a> Safest College Campuses | Noodle Education](<a href=“http://www.noodle.org/noodlings/college/10-safest-college-campuses]10”>10 Safest College Campuses - Noodle.com)</p>

<p>UC Riverside makes the Fifty most Dangerous list at #35
[50</a> Most Dangerous Colleges - The Daily Beast](<a href=“50 Most Dangerous Colleges”>50 Most Dangerous Colleges)</p>

<p>But University of Laverne, CA makes the 50 Most Safe list
[Safest</a> Colleges - The Daily Beast](<a href=“Safest Colleges”>Safest Colleges)</p>

<p>You don’t say if you are a religious family, but if you do happen to be Christian, one of the loveliest of campuses is Pepperdine. It is a very well respected college. </p>

<p>If that’s not your oyster, this site might help:</p>

<p>[CaliforniaColleges.edu</a> - Home](<a href=“http://californiacolleges.edu/]CaliforniaColleges.edu”>http://californiacolleges.edu/)</p>

<p>I agree with above posters that it would be brutally hard to transport a college student to and from all classes. Freshmen tend to get last choice. It is not unusual for a freshman to have a MWF class at 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. and a T/Th class at 10 a.m. then a lab on Monday from 5 to 8 p.m and a different lab on Thursday at 7 to 10 p.m. That sort of schedule is easy for the student who can walk back to her dorm room – but very hard if one lives a long way from campus.</p>

9

<p>RobDeb,
I can tell you are feeling defensive. It is your life and many details are no one else’s business. But please do know that the path you are choosing is really very different than what most Americans are doing. </p>

<p>Part of the “distractions of college life” can be very stregthening for a young person. I know I wasn’t interested in drinking when I went off to college (600 miles away) at age 17. I found that I felt that even more so once I was at college. I deliberately sought out friends who felt the same way. </p>

<p>Many campuses have “no substance” dorms (no booze, no drugs) or “quiet hour” dorms (lights out at 11 and no loud parties allowed). </p>

<p>I do encourage you and D to visit a number of college campuses. They are like neighborhoods – there are safe ones – and clean ones – and friendly ones — and affordable ones. </p>

<p>We made the choice to not ask our kids to work their first year at college. They chose challenging classes and getting through those was hard enough!</p>

10

<p>Also, if she lives in a dorm, it will be nearly impossible for me to know whether or not she is doing well in school and if she is behaving herself.</p>

<p>By our family rules, she is not allowed to date until she’s 18, use Youtube or Facebook (or any other form of social networking), nor is she allowed to wear makeup among other things. This is just the way our family functions. We are not religious (although I was raised a Christian), we just want our daughters to be safe from all the crap that’s out there today.</p>

<p>If we let her dorm, who’s to say that she won’t go crazy with her newfound freedom and try and abuse everything we’ve shielded her from? Children need their parents’ guidance, and many are not getting that today.</p>

<p>I know I will get some negative reactions to this, but just keep in mind that we are all allowed to have our own opinions.</p>

11

<p>^^ We are indeed. </p>

<p>How does your D feel about living at home till she’s married?</p>

<p>Believe it or not, applying to 8 colleges isn’t that uncommon (things have changed alot since you and I were college-aged :slight_smile: ), but since your D isn’t aiming for the Ivy League, I think 4 or 5 should be fine. Be sure one of them is a safety – a school for which admission is all but guaranteed, AND which you can afford even if she doesn’t get one thin dime in aid.</p>

<p>Speaking of aid, be sure to file FAFSA after Jan. 1 (see the Financial Aid forum to get the low-down on this). This will make her eligible for federal student loans if nothing else, and possibly some other aid.</p>

<p>I second the suggestion of your local CSU.</p>

<p>Regarding working – I heard about a study that shows students who work 8-10 hours a week actually do better in school than non-working students. I guess it forces them to organize their time. My D worked 8 hours in her freshman year, and pulled almost straight A’s. An on-campus job is a great choice – they’re fairly easy to get, no commute, and the boss understands about finals week.</p>

<p>And welcome to CC.</p>

<p>ETA – Since it is late in the game to be starting all of this, she may wish to consider taking a gap year. You might all feel less stressed if you have that extra time to get up to speed on this very complicated process.</p>

12

<p>

</p>

<p>I just spent an hour on YouTube looking at old Beatles videos of songs I enjoy. How is using YouTube “the crap that’s out there today”? It’s rather like disallowing the telephone because some people use bad words on telephones, or disallowing the TV because not every program is Masterpiece Theater. Honestly, I think in today’s world, you are putting a young adult at a social disadvantage by not “allowing” YouTube or Facebook. (BTW, even if she lives at home, when she’s at college and in between classes and either using her own computer or a school computer, how are you going to prevent her from using YouTube or Facebook? Will you be checking her computer?)</p>

<p>I am also confused how not wearing makeup shields her from the “crap of today.” There’s nothing wrong with a young woman being interested in wearing makeup. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Yes. Children. Your daughter is not a child. She is a young adult. But have you considered that you are creating elements of “forbidden fruit” here? Plus, you are basically telling her you don’t trust her at all, even though you don’t have any evidence that she has been “bad” (according to your family’s rules). People rise to the trust you give them, for the most part. You must not be very confident in how you’ve raised her if you think that the moment she gets to a college dorm, she’s going to party all night long. Don’t set up a situation that is so black and white. Let her have normal, age-appropriate freedoms.</p>

13

<p>“If we let her dorm, who’s to say that she won’t go crazy with her newfound freedom and try and abuse everything we’ve shielded her from? Children need their parents’ guidance, and many are not getting that today.”</p>

<p>There is a BIG difference between “guidance” and “control”, and you are talking about attempting to continue to control your adult D , not guide her. </p>

<p>At some point children do become adults and have to make their own decisions and stand on their own 2 feet. And in this country, where you have chosen to live and raise you family, you will not be able to confine your D to your home until you can hand her off to be controlled by her husbands family, like in the old country. </p>

<p>When she goes to college , which she should be allowed to do, you will not lose all of your influence, but you must realize that you cant have it both ways - sending her off to college AND keeping her from making her own decisions about what to do with her life. You have raised a smart daughter- trust her to make smart decisions in college.</p>

<p>and through the wonder of YouTube- millions are able to listen and learn from some of the smartest minds of our time- how could you possibly think this is corrupting? Its like listening to the ultimate college lecture series.</p>

<p><a href=“Google Zeitgeist - YouTube”>Google Zeitgeist - YouTube;

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<p>After reading post #10, I’m calling the ■■■■■ patrol</p>

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<p>I second the ■■■■■ call, but if not, hope that OP’s D runs for the hills the day she turns 18 and never looks back.</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>It’s going to be harder to study with people if she isn’t on campus. Working with other people is a lot more important in college than high school.</p>

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<p>FWIW, the kids I saw that had the most trouble freshmen year were those whose parents kept the tightest control over when they were at home. Those of us who were allowed more freedom to make responsible choices were able to make good choices as we always had before while those who always were told what they could and couldn’t do just had to push to see how far & fast they could break the limits.</p>

<p>We gave our kids increasing amounts of freedom and choices as they were growing up so that they could have the benefit of learning while we were around to help them when things didn’t turn out quite as they expected. For us and loved ones who acted similarly, it seems to have worked out pretty well.</p>

<p>Agree that study groups are an integral part of college, especially in certain majors. For engineering, from orientation on, the faculty kept emphasizing how important study groups are to engineering. To our great surprise, S took it to heart & had many of the study groups meet at his place. We believe it was crucial to his education.</p>

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<p>i thought this was a ■■■■■ right from the start, not just for the story, but for the wording. It didn’t read like a real parent to me.</p>

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<p>I don’t think it’s a ■■■■■ post…</p>

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<p>■■■■■.</p>

<p>10char</p>