Going to School With Your Boyfriend

College Search & Selection
1

<p>My boyfriend of almost 2 years is a year older than I am and a current freshman in college. He attends our state university, where he is really happy and doing very well.
I had always planned to apply to this university, even before I met him. I did apply and was accepted with a scholarship to the honors program (which he is not part of), as well as receiving a good financial aid offer.
Now, this isn't the only school I'm thinking about going to. I am thinking about a few other schools, and I think all three of these at the top of my list would provide really good opportunities for me. I went to an admitted student's day at Boyfriend's college a few days ago, and I really liked what I saw. It's a really large college (which sort of scares me) but the honors program has only around 3,000 students and honors classes are capped at 25. I feel like I'd be getting the attention and rigor of a smaller, selective school with the myriad opportunities which are available at a place like that.
I kind of think I want to go there now, but I am very worried about going to the same school as my boyfriend. I can't think about the school without thinking about him, and despite its size, I am worried that it might be awkward if we were to break up, and I'm also worried that I might end up spending too much time with him and not make my own friends. I've also never thought I would be one of those people who went to the same school as my high school boyfriend. </p>

<p>Does anyone have experience with a situation like mine, or advice? I feel a little lost.</p>

2

<p>It seems like his presence is overshadowing every aspect of your decisions. If you had NO boyfriend, which of your options would you pick? Then you should probably pick whichever one that is.</p>

<p>As it is a large university, don’t worry about him being there or not. A couple of things to think about:</p>

<ol>
<li> He will only be there for two years, right? So whether you are together or not, you won’t have him on campus during your junior and senior year.</li>
<li> If you are worried about maybe not stepping out enough and developing your own social life with him there, you can take some ownership of that. Make a point to make friends in your dorm, go to dorm activities, and eat with new freshman friend. See him a few times a week, but don’t build your social life around him. He probably lives off campus by now as a junior, right? And you will be in the dorms with a meal plan – take advantage of that to keep some separation for yourself. That way regardless of how your relationship goes long term, you will have your own friend/social group to hang out with and will not be completely dependent on him.</li>
</ol>

3

<p>Thanks for your comment! As I said above, my boyfriend is a freshman right now and on track to graduate in 2017–however, one of my major reasons for considering this university is that I could graduate in 3 years myself thanks to classes I’ve taken at local colleges, so we would end up graduating at the same time.</p>

4

<p>I like intparent’s idea of pretending boyfriend doesn’t exist at all and think about which college is the best fit for you. But also consider this…if you choose a different school, will you miss out on social events because you are traveling to see boyfriend every weekend? </p>

<p>It will be up to you to choose how you spend your time in college, and I can see you “wasting” just as much time on skype and texting as you would hanging out in person with your boyfriend. So choosing a different college is not a perfect answer either. You will have to be intentional to form friendships, especially during your first semester.</p>

5

<p>Okay… so this is still about your ability to live a somewhat separate life from him if you are on the same campus. Have you talked to him about this? You should be able to explain to him that while you definitely want to see him and spend some time with him, you also want to develop your own freshman social circle as well (just as he had the opportunity to do last year). And then maybe make a plan that you guys go out one night on the weekends, but you spend the other night with dorm people or whomever. And maybe you eat together a couple times a week, and study together a couple of times.</p>

<p>One way to “separate” a bit is to join clubs and activities where he is not involved, too. You need to set boundaries, but there is nothing wrong with letting him know that you are looking forward to expanding your social circle and enjoying making new friends in your class at college. If he has a problem with that, then maybe that breakup will come sooner rather than later…</p>

6

<p>I went to college with my boyfriend. He was a year older than me, and already at the college. I wanted to go to the college for different reasons, but him being there was a plus, and so I went. (It was <em>slightly</em> different in that my boyfriend went to a men’s college in my consortium and I went to the women’s, but given that the colleges’ campuses were coterminous it was basically like going to the same college. Think of it like you going to Scripps and your boyfriend going to Pomona or Pitzer.)</p>

<p>I definitely had the problem where I spent too much time with him. This wasn’t so much an issue my freshman year - we both had robust social lives separately and together, and although I spent a lot of time with him I also made a lot of friends. But we started to have issues and bhe began to go through things that I desperately wanted to help him with, and so I withdrew from my own social scene a bit. I had had plans to get super involved on campus and I did not, mostly because of my relationship. As a result, I don’t really have a ton of close friends from college - some friends, for sure, but not the best college buddies I had planned to make. So this is definitely something that can happen if you are not careful - even if you are a super gregarious person like I am.</p>

<p>We did break up in my junior year (and got back together…we’re married now) but that wasn’t awkward. Our consortium campus had about 8,000 students on it; at the time he lived off-campus, and I never saw him unless we pre-arranged it. We were also in different majors and so our classes never had a chance to overlap. I will say that he made me feel super guilty about studying abroad, but I ended up doing it anyway.</p>

<p>I think if I could do it all over again, I’d rather have not gone to college anywhere near my high school boyfriend. Obviously we got married in the end and if we weren’t near each other, perhaps that wouldn’t have happened. But I think college is a time for exploration of new things, and if you’re emotionally tied to a person you brought in from HS - seriously tied - then you can inadvertently stunt your own growth without realizing it.</p>

<p>At the same time, though, I wouldn’t let him scare you away from choosing your top choice. The college I attended was my first choice and also gave me a very large scholarship, so I wasn’t going to let my bf stop me - and like I said, I still had a great time, I just wasn’t as involved as I really wanted to be in formal campus activities because I was spending too much time with him. But if you are mature enough to realize that can be a problem right now, perhaps you won’t fall prey to the same issue. You just need to set those boundaries ahead of time and set a plan for the things you really want to do. Write them down, even, and check in on your progress every semester or so. Are you involved in the campus activities you wanted to do, and if not, why not? Once you get some close friends, they can also be a barometer - your close girlfriends will often tell you if you are spending too much time with your boyfriend.</p>

7

<p>in my opinion high school relations need to end at graduation, spread your wings and fly. if 4-5 years from now you are both still available and interested you can get back together. go someplace new and exciting without a boyfriend from a different time in your life. if you spend the first year or two at college cut off from the once in a lifetime experience of being a freshman and starting a new chapter in your life and you break up ( this book has been written a million times) you will regret losing that freshman without any baggage opportunity . (it truly Is a once in a lifetime expierence) </p>

8

<p>Check if the campus has couples therapy in the counseling center. :wink: </p>

9

<p>So maybe the suggestion is really to go to that college, but break up with your boyfriend… it is an option. You don’t sound super certain that “he is the one”, and college is the best time to meet new people and figure that out.</p>

10

<p>As a mother, I would definitely steer my daughter away from a college where her boyfriend went- unless it was a top, top tier school. No matter what attempts you make to be your own person at school, the proximity to your boyfriend, IMO, is just too much potential drama as a freshman. While there are exceptions, HS romances rarely last- both of you are going through so much growth and change. </p>

11

<p>Thank you all for your input! I especially appreciate @juillet’s personal advice.
I love my boyfriend dearly, and we’ve successfully weathered living near each other as well as the trials of a semi-long distance relationship since he started at school. If we didn’t care so much for each other, we probably would have already broken up when he headed off to college last fall.
I value our relationship, but I also value myself, my education and my own experience, and I’ve been trying to evaluate what my best options will be.
I have talked to him about the possibility of me coming to the school he’s currently at, and he really doesn’t seem concerned. I’m already trying to think about ways we could keep our lives somewhat separate if I do go there–I think it would be strict no-contact for the first few weeks!
I really appreciate hearing all these different opinions, thank you!</p>

12

<p>Sounds to me like it is big enough that if something happens, you both will not have to see each other all that often.</p>

13

<p>Yeah it’s really large, 20,000+ students, plus our majors are very different</p>