Grade my essay please?

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<p>Topic: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. This can be proven evident through several examples in literature and every day life.</p>

<p>In Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, the protagonist, Huckleberry Finn, is driven to do many good deeds solely based on his conscience. He decides to embark on a perilous quest to save Jim, a slave, from the harsh oppression of an unjust master. Although a very risky endeavor, Huckleberry finds the motivation to carry on this task through his powerful conscience. Huckleberry, a poor boy who is risking his potential reputation, has the desire to save Jim based solely on the goodness of his heart. Through the power of his conscience, Huckleberry succeeds in creating an everlasting impact on the life of a friend. He saves Jim from slavery.</p>

<p>Hester Prynne, the protagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic novel The Scarlet Letter, serves as another example of a person who is driven by solely conscience to do great things. Hester, after being condemned by her society for committing adultery, decides to help out the poor and others in need. With Hester’s reputation already ruined, the sole impetus for her good works lies in her conscience. She just wants to do the right thing to help to alleviate the burden from others. Through the powerful force of Hester’s unrelenting conscience, she is able to serve as a prime example of the generosity and kindness that is within any person. </p>

<p>Through my own experiences, I have discovered that conscience is the prime driving force for action and change. One day when I was eating in a fast food restaurant, I saw a homeless man sitting in a booth looking sullen and dejected. He was asking multiple people for some money or assistance, but all would callously ignore him. I had the urge to also ignore him, but my conscience started to shroud my senses. I felt compassion, and I knew that I should help the man in need who has been so heavily burdened, ostracized, and alienated from society. I gave him money and experienced one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt so good about helping the man out, that I was in a state of euphoria for days on end. The sole cause of my actions, which in turn made me feel so good, was my conscience.</p>

<p>Through the analysis of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Scarlet Letter, and my own personal experience, it is evident that conscience, indeed, is the strongest force of motivation.</p>

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<p>also note that I underline all of the titles, it just didn’t show on here</p>

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<p>anyone? please…</p>

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<p>I’ll give it a 9, your examples are kind of vague, you didnt say what good deeds huck did on the way, did’nt mention that jim was black. You also did’nt use transitional phrases. Your thesis sentence should’nt be an exact replica of the question good work though. Keep working on it you’ll soon get to 12 level</p>

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<p>Transitions into each successive paragraph right? Ok, I think I need to work on making my examples more detailed, specifying more in my examples. Also, work on transitions and reconnecting each paragraph back to the thesis.</p>

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<p>Hi, I’m here as promise. I have a few comments for the improvement of your examples.
The first and second paragraph: I notice the repetition of ideas here. You avoid this, make these ideas more concise and give space for more profound analysis. For example: "Although a very risky endeavor, Huckleberry finds the motivation to carry on this task through his powerful conscience. Huckleberry, a poor boy who is risking his potential reputation, has the desire to save Jim based solely on the goodness of his heart. Through the power of his conscience, Huckleberry succeeds in creating an everlasting impact on the life of a friend. " I think you can just say: “It is the goodness of Huckleberry’s heart that powerfully motivates him to save Jim despite the risk of harming his potential reputation.” or something like that. Details mentioned by 9jagurl96 should also be added. Same advice for the second paragraph. :)</p>

<p>For the third one, you did quite well. It would be better if you talked about the old man’s feeling and expression of gratification or gracefulness, or how the other people who previously ignore him change (maybe they don’t but I just want to give a suggestion). that would make your action more impressive and meaningful. </p>

<p>Well, that’s just my opinion. Keep moving, you are on the right track :)</p>

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<p>btw, I’ll give it a 4/6 and try to write 1 more sentence for the conclusion, good luck :)</p>

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<p>Please grade my essay 2, sorry i could’nt open a thread for mine. Question: is it more valuable for people to fit in rather than to be unique or different.</p>

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<p>Uniqueness is more valuable than fitting in with the crowd, because when people dare to be different they become widely admired trendsetters. Many important people in our history books valued uniqueness over fitting in. Several examples from history and literature prove this fact indubitably. First of all, in the book ‘The Odyssey’ by Homer, one of Penelope’s suitors, Amphinimous, put more value on being different than he did on fitting in with the other belligerent suitors. Odysseus, penelope’s husband surreptitiously infiltrated the palace by disguising himself as a beggar. Many of the suitors, most notably the obstreporous Antinous and Eurymachus, treated him malevolently. Antinous insulted him, and when he replied in the same vein, Antinous threw a stool at him. Cleiptus also threw a cows hoof at Odysseus. Amphinimous, on the other hand, offered Odysseus food and wine and generally treated him very kindly. Because of this kind treatment, Odysseus advised Amphinimous to go home. He foretold doom for the suitors that remained in the palace. Although Amphinimous did not adhere to the instructions he recieved, his uniqueness was still valuable to him because he had forewarning of the execrable events to come. The other suitors did not have this advantage. Uniqueness also proved to be a boon in the life of Joan of Arc. Joan was unlike other girls residing in Domremy. She was extremely pious. She also showed interest in ‘manly’ activities; she was a strong woman. Joan wore men’s clothing. Joan became a commander in the Dauphin’s (soon to be king Charles VII of France’s) army. She led the French troops to several decisive victories, most notably the battle of Patay and the battle of Orleans. She became the national symbol of piety and bravery in France. She was made a saint in 1920 by Pope Benedict VII. These events occured because Joan of Arc embraced her uniqueness. She did not try to suppress the ‘voices’ in her head; neither did she try to act girlishly. Her uniqueness made her famous; her name is still remembered today because of it. From a careful analysis of Amphinimous in ‘The Odyssey’ and the life of Joan of Arc, it can be seen that uniqueness is indeed more valuable than fitting in. If uniqueness did not exist, the world would be very dull and monotonous. There would be no hereos or great men to celebrate. People should exhibit their uniqueness, and should not give up their uniqueness just to fit in. Fitting in is definitely overrated.</p>

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<p>Pls grade my essay too</p>

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<p>overall, your essay is not very bad since your examples are quite relevant and your essay is relatively clear; but there’re still rooms for improvement.
Firstly, it would be much better if you can find a way to separate the paragraphs on the post. :-/
Secondly, you should provide more insight, as in more analysis and personal input. Give more personal comments to the examples (character’s action, etc.) and a bit less of telling the reader about the background story.
Thirdly, make a diversity in your sentence structures. In the second paragraph, there are a lot of “she”. “She is…” “she became…” “she was a…” make your essay monotonous.</p>

<p>anw, that’s just my personal opinion. Good try! I’ll give a 7/12. You have the potential to reach higher so keep practicing and good luck :)</p>

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<p>Thanks, btw are you preparing for the january sat?</p>

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<p>@9jagurl96: Yes I am, I’m also an international student. Can you read my essay also?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1260386-please-help-me-grade-my-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1260386-please-help-me-grade-my-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;
ignore the Iran thing in the conclusion, typo error :smiley: thank you</p>

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<p>9 -</p>

<p>1) You should lengthen your introduction to three or four sentences. It seems rudimentary as you wrote it. </p>

<p>2) Diversify your examples! While it is impressive to develop examples from literature, I would contend that two is overkill. Try to incorporate an example from history or the arts.</p>

<p>3) Avoid one sentence conclusions. It seems as though you ran out of time and tacked something on at the end.</p>