Grade My essay please

<p>I am taking the idea from ManUtd20Ole </p>

<p>"What is the primary purpose of education?" (The same as his second essay)</p>

<pre><code>Many people say that money makes the world go round, but I would substitute that with education. Why do we need education? Education is crutial for every human being as it is our key to the future; both economically as well as culturally.

Statistically speaking, the more educated one is, the more likely he or she is going suceed economically. In the highly specialized world we live in now, it is nessceary to get a proper education if we want a career instead of a job. The importance of education, on economic status, can even be seen in my own family. My grandfather and his brother have exhibited to me the different paths education can take you. My grandfather studied in a four year college and worked as a police officer while his brother droped of school in 10th grade and worked as a cashier. The contrast of their lifes show what education does to one's economical future.

However, I feel education plays a much larger role in one's cultural life. If one has no guidelines in which to follow, he or she will avert to their survival instincts. This can be seen in William Goldings' The Lord of the Flies (underlined) when the half school orphans were push to fend for themselves. They lost all sense of society and acted as any wild animal would. However, education helps one be introduced into ur society and the many problems it presents.
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<p>Clearly, education is need for anyone to survive our world today. Not only can it be seen in literature, but also in lives of past humans. The economic freedom and cultural insight shape the need and purpose of education.</p>

<p>Kinda long and thanks in advance</p>

<p>4/6</p>

<p>I like the comparison to "Lord of the Flies"</p>

<p>Thanks,</p>

<p>I think its a good idea to always get a book in there</p>

<p>3-4: you're trying to bring in evidence, but you don't really elaborate or make your case stronger with them, you just point them out. the intro is a little weird, and i think the conclusion should have been rearranged so that the last sentence was first and the first last.</p>

<p>4/6
The intro was catchy. But after I finished reading the essay, the intro seemed a bit out of place.</p>

<p>Strong support - maybe if you elaborated a bit more on the lord of the flies more..or maybe if you worded the sentences better, i would've understood it right away- (i had to re-read it.. maybe i'm just slow haha).</p>

<p>Also, with your first evidence, you should state clearly that police officer > cashier.Emphasise the difference..dont just bluntly state the summary: "The contrast of their lifes show what education does to one's economical future."</p>

<p>Small grammer mistakes, and simple vocabs have made the essay less formal. Just practice explaining your supports- in depth.
Hope that helps:)</p>

<p>in what sense is the opening out of place</p>

<p>I actually thought the intro was the best part to the essay because he pulled in a quote (common saying) and compared it to education. The intro really stressed the need for education which I personally thought was clever. But, I thought it could have been a little bit longer.</p>

<p>Thank you</p>