Grade my essay, please :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Here is the question:</p>

<p>"Tough challenges reveal our strengths and weaknesses." This statement is certainly true; adversity helps us discover who we are. Hardships can often lead us to examine who we are and to question what is important in life. In fact, people who have experienced seriously adverse events frequently report that they wer positively changed by their negative experiences.</p>

<p>Assignment: Do you think that ease does not challenge use and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are? Plan and write an essay...</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<p>Identity is born through conflict; whether internal or external, humans derive the meaning of their existence and of who they are by discovering what they are not. Such human phenomena is apparent in several historical, literary and contemporary examples.</p>

<p>Many movements around the world have ensued and succeeded largely as a response against Western imperialism. Colonized nations, for example, asserted discovered their national identity through conflict with their colonizers. Frantz Fanon, a prominent psychologist, observed the unconventional ways native Algerians asserted their identity against the French in his book "A Dying Colonialism." He described how the Algerians rejected European medicine and doctors in favor of their own tribal customs, even risking death in the process. In doing so they asserted their differences, and discovered who they were as a nation, even in the face of illness and death.</p>

<p>In similar fashion arose the Iranian Revolution in 1979, which was also a reaction against western influence and capitalism. The Shah of Iran who ruled before 1979 made aggressive movements toward westernization. He was heavily influenced by the United States, who trade heavily for thier oil industries. In all this, the population of Iran grew more desparate economically, and finally in 1979 revolted. The revolutionary movement represented everything the previous government was not. It drew in fundamentalist Islam, as a reaction against westernization, and socialist economic elements as a reaction against the capitalist influence of the Shah government.</p>

<p>United States history surely demonstrates how we have often embraced our nation's "core values" and developed a sense of who we are through conflict and adversity. Following World War II, America believed itself to be the capitalist, free, god-loving country, in response to the communist, dictator, god-less Soviets. Just recently for a small period of time following 9/11 we have established ourselves as the Christian democratic nation, in response to the Islamic "caliphates" abroad. </p>

<p>Humans have an inner desire for self meaning, and a desire to understand who we are. Most often however, we come to the simple conclusion that are are what we are not. </p>

<p>Note, I took about 26 minutes for this... and I planned to use the literary or "internal" example by using the Awakening but did not have enough time. Thank you!</p>

2

<p>Spend less time giving historical details and more time tying your historical examples to your thesis. Every single sentence in your supporting p's should directly strengthen or explain your thesis. Go back and check your 2nd paragraph about hte iranian revolution - it can really be tightened up (as when you talk about the rule of the shah of iran and its influence on US policies.. etc) With this extra space/time, you should devote a bit more explanation to your third example. It seems like it was a bit rushed, and while it's not a bad paragraph, it's a bit weaker than your other two. </p>

<p>Your conclusion is a bit short, and thus your essay seems to end really abruptly. I suggest that you add on another sentence expanding on the "discovering what we are not" idea.</p>

<p>In any case... I think this is like an 11 essay. It's really pretty good :) You write very naturally, your voice is just right, and your examples are all very strong and well explored (with the slight exception of your third). Just remember to stay on track and to only give details that directly support your thesis. Also, if you choose to use three examples, your score may be hurt if your third is not fully developed. I always wrote three-example essays, too, but I know a lot of people choose to write 2 examples so they don't have to worry about running out of space to completely develop each one. It's your choice.</p>

3

<p>Great advice amb3r, thank you.</p>

<p>Hmm, interesting idea about using 2 examples... I think that the United States one might have even been out of place, compared to the more "colonial" and imperialist themed other two... </p>

<p>Do you think maybe focusing the thesis to be only about my colonialism examples would have made it more focused and strengthened, rather than trying to add literary and contemporary examples as I did?</p>

4

<p>Hey, do you think you can comment on this latest essay attempt too? Note this is from the prompts from this past November.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Many people consider the arts—literature, music, painting, and other creative activities—unnecessary because they provide us with nothing more than entertainment. Yet the arts are extremely valuable because they have much to teach us about the world around us and also because they help people find meaning in life.</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Is the main value of the arts to teach us about the world around us? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>My Essay
Since the late 19th century the Benthams conceived of utilitarianism -- a method that among other things, stated that what is good is what is useful. With such influence it has perpetuated the nation that the arts--which has no immediate material use--is unecessary in education, compared to math or science. Such a view is extremely shortsighted, and it not only deprives people an appreciation for their emotional needs--which it can fulfill--but also cuts short the usefulness of art in teaching us about the world and the human reaction to it.</p>

<p>Art is a reflection of the time they were created: the joy or angst of people in a particular point in time. A historical analysis of literature, for example, will surely reveal how people have reacted to the world around them. One of the most dramatic displays of this reality is modernist literature which emerged in the early 20th century. Following the disasters of so called human rationality in World War One, artists of the time reflected their shock, despair and emotion towards the events surrounding them. They reacted against human "rationality" and created works which seemed highly irrational, such as the trend of surrealist painters and cubists like Picasso, who in his famous work "Guernica," represented his horrow towards the events surrounding the war in his homeland Spain. His work represented the human reactions towards a real world event and a philosophical reaction against world attitudes and beliefs in ideas such as Reason and rationality which predominated following the Enlightenment.</p>

<p>A closer analysis of some modernist works would reveal how well they attempted to embed real world scientific trends in the form and style of their writing. Influenced by the works of Sigmund Freud, writers like Virginia Woolf and William Faulkner pioneered the technique of stream of consciousness. Stream of consciousness, in its extreme form apparent in Faulkner's The Sound and The Fury, attempted to reflect the reality of the human thought process, encourperating long strings of broken sentences and "subliminal" words into the text to reflect the stream of thoughts of the character.</p>

<p>Jacques Rousseau, in his education treatise "Emile," emphasized the importance of learning through experience and emotion. Art, undoubtedly, helps fulfill this need and more. Learning and experiencing art not only fulfills our emotions but allows us to understand the world and how people reacted to it, providing use at the very least an emotional guide for the future.</p>

5

<p>I can see that you employ quite fluently Philosophy and Psychology, which is astounding and extremely well-done within 25 minutes. Especially when you combine with History, which create a fearsomely sharp pencil.</p>

<p>However, the last part indeed serves more like an openning issue then a closing one. Since you introduced a new example from Rousseaux, but then rushly close it without further elucidation, which makes the rhythm and fluency a bit abrupt.</p>

<p>Yet, 25 minutes, impressive. I start thinking that deductivity definitely inspires a lot of people right now.</p>

6

<p>Hey Cuong, thank you! :) I kind of thought that it might have been a breezy attempt, I hoped it wasn't. </p>

<p>About the closing, now that you say it, I agree. I should have probably swapped the first and last paragraph, might have sounded better. I feel that many times my intros and conclusions sound a bit awkward. </p>

<p>Oh btw, my second sentence has the word "nation", it should be "the notion that the arts..." </p>

<p>Any other tips, suggestions, evaluations, scores? :)</p>

7

<p>Hm. I have to read this a bit more carefully. But look at what the question is asking you: is the purpose of art to teach us about the real world? The question you seem to be answering is more along the lines of Does art reflect reality? These are different questions. Art can reflect reality without being of much instructive use. I think you need to be more careful about REALLY directly answering the question. You also need to watch out for space and writing efficiency. You spent too long getting to your 1st example about surrealism, and because of that, I think your second example (stream of consciousness), significantly suffered. Upon rereading that second ex. paragraph, I don't see any indication of how stream of consciousness teaches us about the world around us. You've proved that stream of consciousness is a representation of the human thought process. It's only a very short logical leap from there to proving that stream of consciousness is of instructional value to us as an art form that teaches us by allowing us to analyze the ways we think, the ways we process our feelings and resolve our internal conflicts. However, you need to <em>make</em> that leap. Maybe some of your graders will actually make it for you. But I'm being picky and purposefully not making it.. maybe some of your graders will be feeling grumpy and nitpick as I have. </p>

<p>Interestingly, your conclusion paragraph talks quite a bit about learning and art, whereas the learning theme was basically missing from your example paragraphs. It seems like you remembered at the last moment to try to make the connection from "art reflects reality" to "art reflects reality, so it teaches us about the world', but you need to make that connection much earlier - specifically, in both of your ex. paragraphs.</p>

<p>I'd give this essay a 10 on content. If you had balanced your two supporting examples more evenly, gotten to the point more quickly, and most importantly, tackled the question more directly, then this essay could easily be in the 11-12 range. You definitely have the knowledge and writing ability, you just have to work on answering the question and doing so as clearly and succinctly as possible.</p>

8

<p>BTW, I'll give you a concrete example of what I think you should have done. </p>

<p>Your last sentence of your 1st example:
[quote]
His work represented the human reactions towards a real world event and a philosophical reaction against world attitudes and beliefs in ideas such as Reason and rationality which predominated following the Enlightenment.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Wrap it up with something like this:</p>

<p>The artists who spearheaded the Surrealist movement, creating works like 'Guernica', exposed the horrors of war, which they experienced first-hand, to the masses. Shocking and absurd pieces of art forced the public to learn how cruel and ruthless Man can be when given enough power over others. Those who learned of the lows to which man can plummet also found surrealist art to be a venue for emotional/spiritual education and growth, a lens through which to begin to make sense of an increasingly chaotic world.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for the reply amb3r! :)</p>

<p>Seems I used a more liberal definition of "real world" than I should have.. Reality I would have thought is in the same boat. The stream of consciousness section, I thought would show how such literature demonstrated/reflected theories and the generally accepted scientific knowledge of the day. </p>

<p>About the surrealists, I completely agree, your suggested ending I think would have improved my paragraph a lot, seems the connection may have been fuzzy there.</p>

<p>"It seems like you remembered at the last moment to try to make the connection from "art reflects reality" to "art reflects reality, so it teaches us about the world'" <<< Yeah, exactly. </p>

<p>I see your suggestions about tying up my points and bringing it back to the question/thesis and they are great, thank you, I will definitely keep them in mind next time I write...which may be saturday... oh my.</p>

<p>Btw, did you receive my recent private message?</p>