Grade my essay? Prty plz with sugar on top?

<p>I took practice test #4 on from the blue book. My friend graded my essay, but Im not sure I trust her scoring. Be harsh. Be blunt. Any suggestions/ criticism is really appreciated.</p>

<p>*Im typing up my essay, any grammatical mistakes that seem to pop up at you were on my original essay. </p>

<p>Prompt: Can sucess be disastrous? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reasing, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code>In a world where success dictates power, affluence and esteem, it is necessary to truculently pursue success. Yet, in the quest to procure success, one is often so focused in obtaining or overcoming something that the very thing that success so heavily depends on, ambition and focus, become an impediment to everyday functioning. This drawback of attempting to be successful is seen in both classic and contemporary literature and in the lessons that history teaches.

In Socrates play, Oedipus Rex, the prtagonist Oedipus is adamnat about overcoing what the oracle has dictated. Yet, in his pursuit of success, he becomes rash and a man of action, thoughtlessly killing a man that he later finds to be his father. Had his pursuit of success been less narrowminded and focused, he may have taken the precaution not to kill anyone since the oracle stated that he would kill his father.

This theme of hindrance to success in being too narrow in perspecive is also reflected in nobel prizse winning contemporary literature. In Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon, Macon Dead, a powerful and wealthy Black man is oblivious to the sufferings of his own race. He is imperious in his pursuits, even eschewing his son to visit Dead's sister, who by his standards is not of class high enough. Macon delves incredibly in a world where only money, and thus success matters. Although he has overcome numerous barriers in his life, he has also lost empathy for the sufferings of others.

The notion that success can evoke a dangerously narrow perspective is not only reflected in fiction protraying the human condition but also throughout history. An excellent example of this can be seen in Spain's pursuit to acquire land in the new world. ONce unprecedented for their sea control and the Spanish Armada, Spain's power began to deteriorate when they procured a vast amount of land and lost control of the seas.
</code></pre>

<p>From history's insightful lessons and vivid portrayals of the human condition in literature, it is evident that success can also be an impediment.</p>

<p>the third reason seems.... like it's not all correct... Spain lost because their ships weren't as fast or maneuverable as those of the English... I could be totally wrong</p>

<p>I was sketchy on the details, but I wanted to add variety and bring in some history instead on relying solely on literature. </p>

<p>Any scores?</p>

<p>I'd probably give it a 10/12.</p>

<p>and btw you know it's
"prOtagonist"
"adamANt"
right?</p>

<p>11/12.......holy crap you wrote that in 25 min????????????</p>

<p>sry I spelled the words wrong...typos</p>

<p>protagonist**
adamant**
overcoming**
narrow minded **
perspective**
prize**
portraying**
once**</p>

<p>other mistakes were there when i wrote it</p>

<p>yes, i timed myself</p>

<p>dont worry about small spelling mistakes. they wont count too much against you</p>

<p>Keep in mind, the purpose of the admissions essay is to show that you can stay on topic, write well, and show your personality. It does not matter so much what you write about, but if you do write about something non-fictional, you better have all of the facts correct. If I were you, I would write something that shows your personality and writing style rather than speaking about non-fiction that is not relevant to you as an applicant.</p>

<p>^^Hah. Did you even read the post/notice its in the SAT forum? Obviously, thats not an Admissions Essay, its a practice SAT Essay.</p>

<p>OP: I’d give it a 11. I thought it was written very well and you used good vocabulary as well.</p>

<p>Pretty good essay. Well written and developed. I would give it a 10 or 11 :)</p>

<p>Great intro. Third point wasn’t as developed and coherent as the other ones. Maybe a bit more on the conclusion, but I know you only have 25 minutes. Overall, I think this would receive an 10 to 12 on the SAT essay.</p>

<p>I would give the essay 11, it’s in the 10-12 range for sure. Excellent variety of sentence structures and vocab. However, I felt that you should have expanded more on Oedipus Rex, it was a 3 sentence paragraph. Great usage of SAT vocabs though! I really liked the fact that you stuck with using literature and history rather than personal observation. The one about spain isn’t necessary. If finding a third example is a pain, stick with 2 body paragraphs and expand a bit more. Maybe add one or two more sentences to the conclusion, you can even use a quote… I really loved your intro, it definitely grabbed my attention.</p>

<p>Just so you know, Oedipus Rex was written by Sophocles, not Socrates.</p>

<p>I’d give it a 9-10 or maybe 11.
Your last example is definitely the weakest, and it destroys the last impression.
Your vocabulary is good, but in certain areas, it seems like you’re just trying to impress the reader.
Other than that, there are just minor grammatical errors (no parallelism, wrong pronoun, etc.)</p>

<p>I know that you had only 25 minutes to complete this essay.</p>