Grade my first ever essay please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I don't think its very good to be honest. I wrote loads, but its quite confusing... Judge for yourselves. Thanks!</p>

<p>Do you believe that one should sacrifice life for liberty?</p>

<p>Liberty is a right; one which all humans deserve. Whether you are black, white, female or male. However, throughout the course of history this has, unfortunately, not been the case. Liberty is a right that the rich and powerful grab hold of and refuse to bequeath to the general populous. The only way for liberty to exist in our society is through the bellicose, angry, motivated revolutionaries, who not only change their world but the world around them. Two poignant examples that exemplify one’s sacrifice of life for the right to liberty are: firstly, the social hierarchy of blacks and whites which Martin Luther King sacrificed himself for and secondly, a personal anecdote, in which my father, a revolutionary, attempted to topple the tyrannical government of his beloved country.</p>

<p>Martin Luther King absolutely believed in this maxim. If he hadn’t he would not have devoted a plethora of years and hard graft in order to satisfy his rights and the rights of his fellow people. In fact, he literally sacrificed his life for this cause; shot when made his most illustrious speech: “I have a dream.” This speech conveyed the struggle that black people had fought against since the instigation of their slavery in the 1600s. The maxim mentioned in the question is rendered true by this example, as Mr Luther’s work and activism certainly made a profound difference to the lives of the black population and their futures. Although a gradual change, the segregation of blacks and whites dissipated and black people now have a greater social position in today’s America, to the extent that at this moment in time America has a black president. However, the black people’s struggle continues and America’s so-called egalitarian society still has an abundance of cracks in it, begging the question how many more lives must be sacrificed for this land of “freedom.” </p>

<p>The adage in the question is upheld by another story of revolution against inequality. This time in the form of a corrupt despot by the name of Gadaffi. My father led a coup to overthrow this ruler. He did this, not for mercenary reasons, but in order to assuage the society he was living, which came under pressure from this despot. Although he didn’t literally sacrifice his life for this cause, a significant part of his life was lost. He lost his job, was exiled from his country and faced persecution abroad. He lived in fear of assassination for 15 years, whilst many of his friends were killed, during this time, by Gadaffi’s henchmen in London. As a result of my father’s actions he not only provided liberty for himself, but also for his people. Gadaffi’s seemingly unyielding scruples were significantly suppressed, as a result of my father and other Libyans at the time. </p>

<p>Although the latter example did not have as profound an impact on society as the first one, it did show the necessary sacrifices that people made in order to suppress a tyrannical government. Even though many lives were lost in both these equality struggles the loss of life resulted in a better society for all, thus, their lives were lost for the greater good and not in vain. We can only hope that countries such as North Korea, Burma and the Congo fight against this oppression. No matter how many lives are lost it will always result in liberty for more people, which could potentially outweigh the loss of life.</p>

2

<p>which uni is the essay for ?</p>

3

<p>^ I think this essay is for the SAT, not for college.</p>

4

<p>Yes, it is. Can anyone grade it please?</p>

5

<p>Overall, this essay would receive a 3 or 4 (double it for SAT scoring). Your concept is excellent, and your address of the prompt is good, but the essay itself has many issues. Let’s go through them. </p>

<p>Your introduction has a problem with tense and pronoun use. Read sentence 3 “…However” , it simply does not make sense. I understand what you’re driving at, but you are too vague. You meant “However, throughout the course of history this right has been denied…” etc. </p>

<p>Your grammatical usage in the introduction is a bit flawed: After the colon there is no need for numbering “firstly, etc.”, just dive right in. The qualifier “a personal anecdote” is not necessary and poorly placed. </p>

<p>In your first body paragraph, what maxim are you talking about? Restating something from the quote is an excellent technique here, and necessary for clarity in this case. Be careful of your historical facts, Mr. King was NOT shot giving his famous “I have a dream” speech. </p>

<p>Your personal anecdote is better worded, better structured, and clearer. </p>

<p>In your conclusion, you should allude back to the prompt, not simply state opinion and mantra. </p>

<p>You have good writing skills, but need more organization. Your vocabulary usage is good, although it feels a bit forced. Try and be more natural in your prose. </p>

<p>Good work. </p>

<p>Prof. D. T.
SAT Master Teacher/Trainer
NY, NY</p>

<p>Liberty is a right; one which all humans deserve. Whether you are black, white, female or male. However, throughout the course of history this has, unfortunately, not been the case. Liberty is a right that the rich and powerful grab hold of and refuse to bequeath to the general populous. The only way for liberty to exist in our society is through the bellicose, angry, motivated revolutionaries, who not only change their world but the world around them. Two poignant examples that exemplify one’s sacrifice of life for the right to liberty are: firstly, the social hierarchy of blacks and whites which Martin Luther King sacrificed himself for and secondly, a personal anecdote, in which my father, a revolutionary, attempted to topple the tyrannical government of his beloved country.</p>

<p>Martin Luther King absolutely believed in this maxim. If he hadn’t he would not have devoted a plethora of years and hard graft in order to satisfy his rights and the rights of his fellow people. In fact, he literally sacrificed his life for this cause; shot when made his most illustrious speech: “I have a dream.” This speech conveyed the struggle that black people had fought against since the instigation of their slavery in the 1600s. The maxim mentioned in the question is rendered true by this example, as Mr Luther’s work and activism certainly made a profound difference to the lives of the black population and their futures. Although a gradual change, the segregation of blacks and whites dissipated and black people now have a greater social position in today’s America, to the extent that at this moment in time America has a black president. However, the black people’s struggle continues and America’s so-called egalitarian society still has an abundance of cracks in it, begging the question how many more lives must be sacrificed for this land of “freedom.”</p>

<p>The adage in the question is upheld by another story of revolution against inequality. This time in the form of a corrupt despot by the name of Gadaffi. My father led a coup to overthrow this ruler. He did this, not for mercenary reasons, but in order to assuage the society he was living, which came under pressure from this despot. Although he didn’t literally sacrifice his life for this cause, a significant part of his life was lost. He lost his job, was exiled from his country and faced persecution abroad. He lived in fear of assassination for 15 years, whilst many of his friends were killed, during this time, by Gadaffi’s henchmen in London. As a result of my father’s actions he not only provided liberty for himself, but also for his people. Gadaffi’s seemingly unyielding scruples were significantly suppressed, as a result of my father and other Libyans at the time.</p>

<p>Although the latter example did not have as profound an impact on society as the first one, it did show the necessary sacrifices that people made in order to suppress a tyrannical government. Even though many lives were lost in both these equality struggles the loss of life resulted in a better society for all, thus, their lives were lost for the greater good and not in vain. We can only hope that countries such as North Korea, Burma and the Congo fight against this oppression. No matter how many lives are lost it will always result in liberty for more people, which could potentially outweigh the loss of life.</p>

6

<p>****! I didn’t think it was that bad.</p>

7

<p>how are you going to fit it in 2 pages? For example, my hadwritings are very mighty.</p>