Please Grade My Essay

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<p>Topic: Do you believe that one should sacrifice life for liberty?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code> I strongly believe that one should sacrifice their life for liberty. Even though not all people in this world have liberty, it is something that everyone deserves to posses. The Declaration of Independence stated that freedom and liberty was a natural right that belonged to everyone, even the colonists. There have been several accounts in history of citizens trying to gain their freedom, often sacrificing their lives in progress. For example, the colonists that came from England to North America thought that they had gained their freedom from the king. However, that was not true. With British soldiers stationed at almost every street corner, the colonists did not feel like they had the liberty that they thought they deserved. Therefore, the colonists went to war with Great Britain to try and gain their liberty. During the war, thousands of colonists were killed. They sacrificed their lives for the liberty of the 13 original colonies. As Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death”. There were also American spies that worked behind the British lines. They knew that they would be instantly killed if they were found. However, those spies still continued their work because they wanted freedom.
Without liberty, one must feel hopeless. If a person does not have freedom, it is like they are trapped in a cage where there is nothing they can do. When there was slavery in the United States, the African American slaves had no freedom at all. A lot of them risked their lives and tried to run away from their owners, even though if they were caught, they would be killed. Most slaves were treated horribly and were given no liberty at all. The slaves were always punished cruelly and violently. Therefore, many slaves thought that it would be better to sacrifice their lives and run away. Even if they were caught and killed, they would not be going through the painful punishments that they were enduring. Some slaves would rather be killed than be treated so harshly.

Sacrificing one’s life for something useless is not worth it these days. However, liberty is a very important thing for people. It is something that everybody deserves to have. For the majority of all populace, eliminating liberty would be taking the joy and freedom out of their lives. Therefore, one should sacrifice one’s life for liberty.
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<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

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<p>Could someone please take a look at my essay? Thanks!</p>

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<p>Ok - I’ll take a stab at it since no one else is chiming in! A few comments…</p>

<h1>1 - It looks like you’ve got one giant paragraph here, although it looks like you intended for it to be three paragraphs. You want to shoot for 4-5 paragraphs in your essay (intro and conclusion and one paragraph for each support for your argument).</h1>

<h1>2 - You tend to throw in random statements that don’t really support your argument…for example the bit about the spies. It’s not a bad example, but you seem to throw it in as an afterthought. Either develop the example or leave it out.</h1>

<h1>3 - You’ve got no introduction other than a statement of your position. I’m glad you made it clear which side you’re taking, but do it in a paragraph, not just a statement.</h1>

<h1>4 - You don’t do much to point out why liberty is worth it until the end of your essay. Your best statement about it is actually at the beginning of your second example. That sentence would be much better as part of your intro paragraph.</h1>

<p>I’d give this a 3. Your writing is clear and easy to follow, but the essay lacks organization and I don’t feel that you’ve effectively persuaded me to your side of the argument. It feels a bit like you’re assuming that everyone knows that liberty is a good thing, which of course it is, but assume your reader knows nothing and has no pre-formed opinion. You might want to outline your essay before you start writing, then stick with that outline, even if you think of a great new example mid-writing. I suspect that’s what happened with the spies. Your examples are good, but make sure that you stay focused on the assignment and that you work in a good explanation of why you’re taking your position. The good news is that your writing basics are fine and this will get easier with practice.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>