Grade my SAT essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>I am going to take the SAT soon, so I was hoping for some feedback on my essay. I always found myself having a lot of trouble articulating my thoughts in 25 minutes, so I'm trying to practice and get comments for improvement. Thank you!</p>

<p>Is identity innate or created?</p>

<p>Identity is definitely something acquired, not innate. This identity stems from personal beliefs and actions, as well as others' perceptions. This idea of acquired identity is present in the works of Jane Austen, William Golding, and through Steve Jobs.</p>

<p>Jane Austen, through her novel Pride and Prejudice, depicts how one's identity is created. Mr.Fitzwilliam Darcy has long been seen by the people of Elizabeth's town as a haughty, uptight man who finds little joy in life. This identity was false, despite his exterior persona, Darcy eventually revealed to be a man capable of confessions and passion. Despite the fact that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy know that his personal traits do not reflect a man of selfish pride, his image is nevertheless a response to others' perception of him due to his disenchantment with the ball and his gloomy attitude. His actions, which we the only things people saw, determined his identity.</p>

<p>Furthermore, the characters from Lord of the Flies depict how identity is infact created. When the boys all show up to the island for the first time, they all appear to be, to some extent, innocent boys who have just been stranded. Ralph is a somewhat cynical and mean-spirited boy at the beginning of the novel; this was seen through his bullying of Piggy. Jack seemed of a similar nature; Jack also possessed a certain natural charisma. However, at the end of the novel, Jack was portrayed as an example of savagery and Ralph was considered the mark of civilization and ethical leadership. The fact that the boys initial personalities did not reflect their eventual identities only serves to highlight that identity is created. Ralph treated his people well and was open to listening to ideas - despite his near death, Ralph's public image and actions made him the "civilized boy". On the otherhand, Jack's obsession with blood and hunting, which was a result of his external stimuli, not innate characteristics, coupled with his tyrannical rule, only alienated him from many and allowed him to envelope the forming identity of a "savage".</p>

<p>Finally, Steve Jobs, the late CEO and founder of Apple Inc, proved how an image or identity is acquired through actions and beliefs. As a child, Steve Jobs was orphaned - his loving foster parents cared for him, but due to financial woes, he attended a subpar college. He could have stopped there, claiming that his circumstances only let him go so far, but Steve jobs always believed in thinking ahead. He took his limited resources and made the best of it - despite the many potholes, after several decades, Steve was able to capture the hearts of the public as the great innovator of the 2000s. Clearly, if image was an innate thing, regardless of a response to his environment or changing beliefs, Steve Jobs would not have been the man the world would judge him as today.</p>

<p>After a careful examination of Pride and Prejudice, The Lord of the Flies, and Steve Jobs, it is clear that image comes from nurture, not nature.</p>

<p>Again, any feedback is welcome. Thanks!</p>

2

<p>Looking at the transitions, vivid vocab and sentence structure, it deserves a 12 if not an 11!</p>

3

<p>Agreed ^^.</p>

4

<p>I’m a non-native english speaker and after reading your essay, I looked in the dictionnary to understand the meaning of “uptight” and it was written that was a slang.
So my question is : does it matter to use slang vocabulary in an essay? because it seems not be detrimental since you say it deserves a 12 (even though it’s a great essay)</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.wordreference.com/enfr/uptight[/url]”>http://www.wordreference.com/enfr/uptight&lt;/a&gt; if you’re interested</p>

5

<p>Personally, I thought it should be much lower than a 12, and yes I agree “uptight” and even “subpar” may be considered a slang. I try to stay away from slang because it can lose you some points but sometimes under the rush, that’s all I can think of.</p>

6

<p>Almost SAT time - would you guys mind grading this as well? I REALLY need help developing my essays - any helpful tips for improvement will be well appreciated. Thanks!</p>

<p>Can any obstacle/disadvantage me turned into something good?</p>

<p>Disadvantaged can indeed be turned into something beneficial. This can be demonstrated by Ironman ans Steve Jobs.</p>

<p>Tony Stark from Ironman depicts the idea that anything negative can be turned positive. During a visit to Afganistan to test out the Jericho, his weapon of mass destruction, Tony Stark, the billion mastermind of the Stark Industries, gets captured by a terrorist group called Three Rings. Tony Stark lives through a horrible ordeal - he is tortured and his friend dies in an attempt to save him. However, despite the turmoil, it is here that Tony Stark creates the legendary “suit of Iron”. He uses his deplorable condition as a motivation to create a suit that could destroy anything - sure enough, he uses a prototype of the suit to escape his Afganistan prison. Even when he returns to the United States, Tony Stark remains both physically and mentally damaged - he has an arc reactor instead of a heart and is haunted at night with evocations of this dark time. Stark turns his negative condition into one that is positive both for himself and for the people - he stops creating weapons of mass destruction and finds a love in creating the Ironman suit. This suit eventually ends up saving the city - when Stark was forced to battle drones from his enemies, he used the suit’s unique features to save himself and destroy the drones before they caused damage. This stark difference between Tony’s days of difficulty and the days of his successful image of a hero depict that the negative experiences one faced can be transformed into something beneficial, both for oneself and for others. </p>

<p>Unlike the idea of overcoming difficulty in a futuristic, fantasy world, Steve Jobs surpassed his own potholes and turned them into beneficial opportunities. At birth, Steve Jobs was an orphan - even after he was adopted by a loving foster family, he knew that they didn’t have the means to send him to a very prestigious institution for higher studies. Instead of letting this determine his career and identity, Jobs willingly educated himself at a subpar college and used the knowledge he gained in a calligraphy class to revolutionize typology. He further spun his mediocre condition to his advantage when he fostered his love of computer science into something that more than a hobby - he soon created the Macintosh, an infamous invention that jumpstarted his career. At this point, one may assume that his ability to overcome crippling difficulties as he became more famous and his life became easier. However, Jobs yet again proved that he could take disadvantage and turn it into something positive when he was fired from the very company, Apple Inc, that he created. Jobs did not let this hinder him and used this valuable time to further experiment and create the basis for some of the popular gadgets seen today. When he was accepted back, he stated in an interview to Business Weekly, “I don’t believe in failure. My personal failures only drive me to improve my life. Turns out it applied for my corporate beliefs as well.” In this quote, he references the idea that failures are meant to be overcome - whether in the workplace of personally.</p>

<p>As evidenced by Ironman and Steve Jobs, any obstacle can infact be turned into something beneficial.</p>

7

<p>Bump…</p>