Guilt of refusing to pay 300K for elite college

Parents Forum
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Dear fellow parents. I am a mother going through a lot of angst with the college admissions. My son graduated high school early (December graduate), about one week ago. My husband (his step father) and I told him we won’t pay the 300K for a private college on the East Coast, but we will offer 160K to him, with 100K for tuition/room and board for an in-state school and the remainder will be gifted to him upon graduation, to take with him and start his life. We also said he can take the 160K and go to an elite private college, but he’s responsible for the rest of the cost. Now I’m so worried that our relationship will be destroyed and my son will be angry for life because somehow money equates love. Did that happen to anyone who did not agree to pay for a private expensive school?

Details. We can afford the 300K college, but only if my husband, his step-father agrees to it, and he doesn’t agree to pay that much. I do make low six figures myself, but when I ran the real cost calculator, there is no way I would have been able to send him to those even if I wasn’t married anyway. I’m a first generation immigrant and dragged debt around until 2017 myself, didn’t have a ton of savings, with mortgage, kids activities, tutoring and such. So I wouldn’t have had as much as I do now in his 529. I saved about 80K in the 529 myself by now, and my H agreed that we match that to get to the 160K, agreed to gift him the remainder of the balance, but did not agree for him to go, and for us to pay, for an elite school on the East coast. Mind you, my son didn’t even apply to those yet, he was going to apply to three of them by January 1st and now it’s unclear if he will apply or not. I’m afraid to ask. He applied to Northwestern early decision but got rejected. I had convinced my H that that was his dream school, the one and only and at that time, he reluctantly agreed on paying for that one.

When he didn’t get in, my H didn’t agree for him to go to other similarly exorbitant priced schools. I had to tell my son what our offer was, because he wanted to apply Early Decision II somewhere else, and since my H didn’t agree to pay everything, I couldn’t wait until the decisions came in.

Now I feel so guilty and I wonder if this type of situation happened to anyone else and if it destroyed the relationship with the kid. Son said that we can pay but we don’t want to. I explained that our offer is actually very generous, and if he goes to an in-state school, he’ll leave with a CS degree and 60K in his bank account, which puts him ahead of most of his peers. If he goes to a private school in a big city he’ll leave with a degree as well but with 150K debt. He now seems calm and rather in a good mood, but I don’t know what is ahead and feel very guilty. Felt torn between the husband and the son. If I divorced my husband I don’t think my son will be better off anyway.

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It sounds like you don’t qualify for any need based aid. Do his stats make him competitive for any merit aid? Since he got rejected ED from Northwestern, and he is looking at CS (which is so competitive) I think he may need to look at schools where he is more likely to get in and can possible get some merit.

It also seems like there wasn’t a lot of talking or planning before getting to this point. He has already graduated but doesn’t have his applications in yet. Does he have a plan for the spring and summer, like a job?

I think your offer is plenty generous. Many parents set a budget for college. It sounds like your son needs a little more maturity. Maybe working and saving money for the next 8 months will help him gain a new perspective.

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You are not alone. Many parents that technically “could” pay for an elite college, are not willing to or are concerned about their own long-term financial health. It is also important to have a cushion for yourself.

One question though is whether you can afford a bit more than the amount int he 529. You may be able to pay some additional amount (not another 140K) from everyday cash flow.

If he had even a shot at Northwestern, there are plenty of private schools that might give him merit money. With $40K per year from parents, another $5K to $7K from the federal loans to him, and maybe a bit more from each parent he may be able to cast a wider net if state schools are not appealing. It is quite late, but may not be too late to make that happen.

I would apologize only for not being clear up front. I think your son is probably frustrated that you were willing to pay for Northwestern but not for other similar schools. It also sounds like you and your ex need to sit down with son and have a grown-up and open discussion about this issues sooner rather than later. Being honest about your thought process and letting him explain why his EDII schools are just as good as NW would be a good way to repair the relationship.

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Your divorcing your husband over this?

Your offer is more then gracious to your son. Leaving him $60,000 in the bank is most likely unwarranted. We had both our kids meet with our broker and banker to come up with a plan for savings. I wouldn’t leave that sitting in a bank savings account. Maybe start a retirement plan or investment strategy?

Seems to me your son might have some growing up to do, honestly. Going to college and it being paid for is a privilege and not a right. Not sure what state you live in but if it’s Illinois (Mentioned Northwestern), getting into UIUC for CS even for instate is not a slam dunk. He might even consider going to an OOS “public” due to opportunity. That might be above the $160,000 depending.

You don’t seem to be part of college process with him. Maybe you should start. We made a spreadsheet with both kids. This outlined every deadline, merit, costs, etc for each school. This way you both know upfront.

Just because you “can” doesn’t mean you should. Great life lesson. I would love to drive a Ferrari. It just would not be practical at this point. Maybe I will rent one for the day? ?.

Lastly, if you think your son will be angry at you his entire life for this
… What kind of relationship do you have with him now?

My daughter couldn’t go to her number 1 school OOS since it was just to costly without merit. She went to her number 2 instate and we agreed to get her as close to debt free as possible. We used some of the money we would of spent and started an investment /retirement account for her. No way I am giving her $60,000 without a plan for it

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If your earnings are under $150k he can qualify for aid at some elite schools, but with a rejection from Northeastern, acceptance is unlikely.

Some smaller liberal arts colleges may give merit aid so check that out. You would be surprised…some privates can end up cheaper than public.

However, computer science tends to be excellent at public universities, with links to jobs in the area. The field as a whole cares about skill and talent, not a name school. Make sure he does internships at some point, in the summer.

I think this situation may take care of itself. Let him know the issue but also let him apply wherever he wants. He may want to be able to say he got in (I know several kids like this) but will be fine at the state school.

Many many talented kids are going to public universities for exactly this reason and for a CS student it can be a good choice. Focus on the positive with him, not the negative of not wanting to pay.

You are giving him a choice and in a field like CS, he may not have as much trouble paying back debt.

Your relationship with your son is for a lifetime and is the most important thing in this picture so make sure discussions are cooperative rather than punitive or limiting.

If there is tension with your husband over these issues, try to talk to a counselor so it does not affect your son’s choices and prospects- or your relationship.

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There are very few kids out there that get 300K handed to them from their parents for college. I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty.

But, keep in mind, there is no way he can borrow 150K for a more expensive school. All students can borrow on there own is about 27K of Stafford loans. The rest is either cosigned private loans which you’d be on the hook for if he defaulted or Parent Plus loans, which are yours. I would not give the option of borrowing that kind of money for the pricey school.

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The only thing rubbing me the wrong way about your post is that you didn’t have the budget discussion much earlier in the process, and that your H was willing to fund NU but nowhere else. There are lots of great school other than NU and it doesn’t feel great to me that your H is dictating conditions to his contribution to college. Again, seems like it should have been discussed up front.

What are your instate options? Has your son already been accepted? I ask because at some schools, like UIUC for example, CS is ultra competitive even for very bright students. For other schools, the early action deadline is long passed and admission will be slim to none.

The good news is a CS major will do fine in the work force regardless of where they graduate. And you shouldn’t feel badly about having financial constraints. Most families are in the same situation.

Just wish this conversation happened for your son much earlier. Hard to be scrambling and switching gears now.

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You have given him a $40,000 a year college budget. This is very generous.

There are a lot of colleges that should come in at this price point for him. Hopefully he has applied to those and not just $70,000 a year colleges.

You mention your current husband, but what about his bio dad? A lot of those very expensive colleges will include financials from the bio dad too on the Profile non-custodial parent form.

@compmom the student didn’t get accepted at Northwestern ED…not Northeastern. But I do agree that acceptance to those tippy top schools should be viewed as a reach, and especially since the parents won’t pay for the costs to attend.

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I went and reread some of your older posts. My mom’s favorite saying is “life is a series of choices and living with the consequences”. I don’t mean to be rude or sound unsympathetic but it seems like your son may have some consequences to live with. I’m not sure what his final decision was about the calculus class but he decided he was done with testing and the tutor when he probably should have done a bit more to increase his score. Knowing he was going after a highly selective major, he should have wanted to do as much as he could to give himself the best chances. It’s not enough to reach the middle without some other compelling trait or circumstances. He will be compared to others who pushed themselves and who didn’t think they knew more than teachers or tutors.

Again, I think your offer is wonderful and he should take you up on it.

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You’re not alone. Many/most parents have the same issue. Spend what you can afford or go in debt/overspend for an undergraduate degree. Student debt is in the news everyday. I think most parents and kids are waking up that going in debt is not a good thing.

The good news is that you don’t have to go to an expensive private school to get an undergraduate degree in CS. There are plenty of great public schools for CS. Look at Georgia Tech, UMaryland, UMass, Illinois, UCBerkley, UTAustin, etc. Even schools like VA Tech, Ohio State, PSU, or NC State are excellent. Our neighbor’s son went to NC State. He’s now working on his PhD at Georgia Tech. What is your in-state option?

18 year-old kids aren’t always logical. Your offer is actually fantastic. Read some of the posts on here where parents can’t help their kids at all. Sometimes the adults have to step-in and make tough decisions. In 10 years he’ll thank you.

As I look at my kids I wonder if we’ve done them any favors by giving them more than we had. My grandfather worked in the coal mines for no pay basically (I have an old pay stub I keep). My dad had to use the GI bill and work full-time to attend college. Kids today have no idea how good they have it. There’s my old-man rant for the day. Lol.

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Except they want to save 60K back to give to him AFTER college, so really only 25K/year. I would skip the 60K launch fund and up what he has for college.

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oops couldn’t find my glasses this morning!

It sounds like there are deeper familial issues going on here that are getting displaced onto the college application process.

Agree that CS at public universities can be extremely competitive. Some even admit after the first year.

If your son is not a worker (I have not read your other posts but am referring to the one above), that increases the risk of paying a lot. You don’t want to pay a lot for a bad transcript.

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Read the OP’s other posts and it appears they live in West Lafayette Indiana. What I gather it s he got a 1430 on the SAT? While the score is good I’m not sure if you would get into any elite schools anyways. It appears to me there is more to the story if your willing to divorce your husband over this.

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I never had any intention of paying $300k even though I could afford it. I made that clear to my DD from middle school and I explained why I wasn’t going to pay that much. As a result, we were on the same page to chase merit from the very beginning. My DD ended up with many full ride offers to choose from. I’m gifting her the 4 year cost of our in-state school at graduation. She has been very happy with how it all worked out and believes it worked out the way it was meant to. She has no regrets about not going to an elite private even after making many friends and interning with many who do and out relationship is as strong as ever.

The mistake you made was agreeing to pay for a particular private. That was not fair to your DS. You should have been up front about college financing early and been consistent. I think parents should have the college financing discussion from freshman year of high school.

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Oops… If he does go to UIUC it is Not $25,000/year for engineering. It’s more like $37,000/year.

There goes the slush fund ??.

Keep in mind these CS kids also get internships and can make decent money during them. Doing co-ops is also a great strategy for getting experience and pay. FYI.

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Hopefully your son applied EA to Purdue, and IU as a back up. Hope too that he put a second major on the Purdue application.

With Purdue as an instate option, I’m not sure why that wasn’t the goal all along.

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Do you realize that many stepfathers would not feel obligated in the slightest to pay ANYTHING for a stepchild’s college costs???

Your son sounds ungrateful, and I cannot imagine contemplating divorce because the husband will “only” contribute 80K for a state school college- for a child that is not his own. You don’t mention the biological father, if he is even living or participating in parenting the child. The financial aid forms will want his financial information.

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Wow.

I’m sorry, but your son sounds entitled and spoiled. He should be thanking you and your husband for offering such a generous plan.

I do think your husband is being unfair by saying he would only pay for NWU. But you all should have sat down and hashed it out before it got to this stage.

And if you are contemplating divorce over this, I think there are other problems that need to be sorted out.

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Thanks for so many good replies. You each bring up very good points. Yes, I don’t even think he would have gotten into the other options but I wasn’t willing to sign for the EDII and I had to tell him. I really don’t think he would have gotten in, but who knows, what if he did, and then what?

I never actually considered divorcing my husband over this. I used this argument in my mind to assuage my guilt, i.e. if I wasn’t married, I would have made these decisions all by myself and he would have more options, now I have to discuss with the husband. With the H we wouldn’t offer nearly as much money, I couldn’t.

He did get into CS at IU. And IUPUI. Not clear about this IUPUI deal, they say they give Purdue degrees, but it’s very unclear to me if these are “true” Purdue degrees or what.

He did apply EA for Purdue, results will be released January 15. I know and he knows it’s not a slam dunk.

Yes, it’s not fair to switch now, but it’s my H switching and not me. I explained in fact right after the NU application, that H agreed to fund this one because it’s just his one and only dream school, but if not getting in, hopefully he goes to Purdue, which would be wonderful.

He’s not a worker and I’d be really worried that he’d flunk out of a 300K school and then it’s a world of trouble. He’s smart, but he got that 1430 by barely trying at all and decided he was done.

We discussed colleges early on, very early on. It was Purdue or IU. Then he met some kids his junior year, and they started to tell him how unhappy he’ll be at Purdue, which is too rigid and in the middle of nowhere blah blah blah…and he wants to imitate them. And X’s parents pay for X and Y college because they love him and they’d do anything for him, and you can, but you won’t etc.

I made a college list, but his junior year, my S was a nightmare and he didn’t let me get involved at all. He wanted to imitate this one guy who applied to only 1 college early decision and luckily got in. That guy was saying that if he didn’t get in, he would have applied regular decision elsewhere. Now, my S wants to to EVERYTHING that guy is doing, like a parrot. It’s so annoying. I can’t wait to get rid of this kid, hope he trails off,…he’s a year younger.

Yes, my S is going to have a job with a non-profit. Has a verbal offer and a phone call on January 6 to hash out the details (salary and projects he’d be on and location where he’d work at - he may or may not be able to work remotely).

I just feel guilty. I think it was my mistake to convince my H for NU, and my H’s mistake to agree then and then change his mind.

My son really has some growing up to do.

We will see about the 60K how we will put that, in what type of financial tool, indeed, just giving him a bag of cash may not be best.

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Made lots of typos, apologize for that, can’t edit.