I think my husband agreed to NWU because he didn’t think my son would get in and also because my son had no other plans to apply elsewhere at the time. It’s not a complete surprise to my son now, since we did tell him right in Nov that this is it. Then my S changed his mind and asking for a second ED. He doesn’t seem upset though, which is strange. It’s just me ruminating in the aftermath.
Also, I did FAFSA and they didn’t ask me for the ex’s info, just me and my current H. I talked to the ex, he’s not interested in funding the 300K potential option either. He is not involved much at all and lives in another state. We just email and he calls sometimes, that’s it.
It sounds like the husband was kind of pressured into agreeing to pay for Northwestern. Agree with an above poster that any contribution from stepdad should be seen as a bonus rather than expected - lump me in the camp that sees this as a very generous offer. I do hope gratitude for the offer, rather than anger that it’s not more, is what has been expressed.
On the face of it, the kid does sound entitled, but it’s not clear to me if that is the case or if he was led to believe he would be getting more funding (for any college) than has ended up being the case. If the latter, an 18yo being upset is not a hugely surprising outcome. But it’s time to get everyone on the same page about what is and isn’t doable.
FAFSA doesn’t. But CSS profile for the expensive private schools will require his info.
This is a very important point that should possibly be in large font as a banner on the financial aid and parents boards. He cannot take out loans to go to a place you won’t pay for. Can. Not. So don’t use that possibility as a back-handed threat to him. Don’t tell him it’s ok with you if he takes out absurdly large loans. It shouldn’t be ok with you if you love him, and he can’t do it anyway. It’s not even worth discussing.
Now is the time to use another term I learned on this site. You need to “Mom up.” You are the adult here, you need to show your son what adults act like. You and your husband have made him a great offer. Quit your urge to anguish over the fact that you are not making a more extravagant offer. Tell him it is not only a good offer, but it is the one he has and needs to live with it. As soon as he knows you have made a final decision and can’t be guilted into doing more, he’ll come to terms with it. As long as you demonstrate that you are anguishing over it, he will follow your lead. So Mom up and tell him to plan based on what is possible for him.
It will work out fine if you let it.
Doesn’t matter, we don’t qualify for any need based aid, everyone makes six figures in this trio, me low six, my H makes mid-six figures, my ex I don’t know, but I could speculate that he could make in the 200K range or close to that.
Your husband didn’t want to pay for NU. I don’t think it was a mistake on his part to reconsider his position.
How much can you and your son’s bio father pay? That’s your son’s budget. Anything your current spouse is willing to add is gravy. If you’ve saved $80k, then his budget is $20k/year. He can’t borrow $150k, so why would you put that idea in his head?
Why are you allowing your son to call the shots? Sit with your husband and make a budget. Don’t try to bribe your son with cash after graduation to go to a less expensive school. Just make a budget and stick with it. If it were my kid his choices would be to attend a school that’s in our budget, start at a cc and transfer to a more expensive school (still within the family budget), get the additional money from his bio dad, or take a gap year and get a job and an apartment to start his life. Maybe after a year of working a real job and paying his own bills he’ll understand what a gift a $20k/year education is.
Did northwestern not require a CSS profile?
Privates will expect the bio father to contribute what he is able (rather than what he wants). Is he prepared to contribute anything?
Thank you, very helpful to hear not to let the kid see the anxiety! And yes, with the loan, I didn’t realize that. I think I was just venting out of anxiety, not sure why I posted. But it is so helpful to hear everyone’s comments.
Sorry for the bluntness, but it sounds like you’re afraid of your son. Why? If this trouble interacting stays unresolved much longer, it will become a fixed pattern through life. Rather than cowering now, out of fear of destroying, recognize what needs to be fixed asap, to prevent a lifelong pattern. Counseling with the son, if needed.
“Son said that we can pay but we don’t want to.” He has no business saying this, it’s plain rude. And that’s today, not some future worry. You are the parents. It’s your money. You don’t “owe” him a 300k+ education. What you “allowed” for NEU does not mean you cast your own policy in concrete.
You have a very generous spouse, a stepparent willing to match 80k. Where’s bio dad in this? Is he contributing? Do you know that, in most usual circumstances, he would be expected to? If he has passed, my condolences.
One twist. Like a few others, I originally read it a 40k/year. $25k doesn’t match most state costs. Whatever that is, for your state, many parents set the limit there. They do it with good intentions and confidence.
And be aware that Net Price Calculators are not always accurate for divorce. Some colleges describe how to get a workaround, but be aware of this limitation.
Really, no intention to divorce. An in-state school is 40K/year. The IU calculator gave me 24K/year. My ex, I’m thinking he could contribute something, but not more than 10K/year, unless I go to court etc… Will add that to the 160K.
It could be some of both.
To @BluEyeL : is college choice the first time he has had to face price limits in his choices?
I meant “an in state school is 40K/year???” I didn’t think so.
I think you meant well but you unintentionally set up a mixed message by agreeing to pay for Northwestern had your son been accepted ED. He might be wondering why you would pay for Northwestern but not for any other similar school.
I also think you should have discussed finances before applying…but that’s water under the bridge. I would spend the full $160,000 now rather than gift him $60,000 after graduation. That gives him close to $190,000 to spend on his college education (including student loans if necessary) and he should be counting his blessings.
I give your current husband credit for being so generous…very often things can get dicey with second marriages. I also think your son has some growing up to do. He doesn’t seem to appreciate this amazing gift.
Yes, he’s been priviledged and spoiled. I wouldn’t say he’s never had price limits, but quite priviledged. We wouldn’t buy him stuff just because, but only for bdays and christmas. However, he got the gadgets he wanted etc. Just had to wait for Birthday or Christmas and get one thing at a time. Had to contribute his own money for some of them.
In any case, after the initial discussion where he said some entitled things, he doesn’t seem upset and acting normal. I’m not exactly sure why I worry, but I’m not exactly rational either.
I know the H is super nice and generous, btw and that he doesn’t have to offer a dime.
I will jump in with full acknowledgement that I can’t even begin to understand this conundrum in real life- I can’t even fathom the combined salaries involved here, so from my (much poorer parent) perspective, I understand your son- it sounds like you two can afford any school for four years on one year of salaries with huge amounts left over for life. Capping school at $25k a year seems like a recipe for problems unless you intend your son to attend CC or a local U and live at home. If that’s the case you definitely should have communicated it with your son much before now. I also don’t agree that your husband is a super hero to contribute to your son’s college- you marry a mom and you get the kid in the deal, all the way imo. I would absolutely expect my spouse to contribute to my kid’s college, comfortably within our combined means. It doesn’t really sound like your combined means are $25K a year to me. Yes, your son comes across as spoiled a bit, but I don’t think he was given a full picture here at an early enough point to process/plan. If NW is worth full price, surely it isn’t illogical to assume that (1) you can afford that and (2) other schools are equally worthy.
All that said, we make in the middle of the five figures and my kids are both going to college with scholarships/grants/GI bill- we have nothing to give them at all. Nothing. So your son is very lucky indeed regardless of your cap.
How much is an in-state college and why is everyone saying it’s more than 25K/year? Maybe I’m confused.
Some states cost more than that, but sounds like yours is under 25K. Our state flagship is 31K for in-state, (tuition/fees, room and board, books, and a couple thousand for personal spending included) I mentioned bringing it up to the full 40K to give more options.
IU is indeed $25k room, board and expenses for instate. That’s low vs a number of others. Has he applied? It seems a bargain.
https://admissions.indiana.edu/cost-financial-aid/tuition-fees.html
Yes, he got accepted to IU. I don’t suppose Purdue would be more expensive, because I work for Purdue and get 50% off tuition.