Fork, I was eavesdropping on the phone call with the nonprofit and they want him to take a gap year.
Nothing wrong with a gap year once acceptance is in hand. It could be a real game changer in terms of growth and maturity, and you guys are not holding your breath on financial aid.
They want him to work for them out of your state for a full year?
- Check the residency question again.
- Will any of his colleges allow him to defer enrollment for a year?
- Does taking a gap year affect your tuition benefit at Purdue?
I think the problem isn’t mom’s priorities. The problem seems to be that dad isn’t contributing and step-dad is limiting the amount mom can contribute from her salary. Mom has own expenses to pay for her own food, clothes, car, and I’m guessing but it sounds like she contributes to the house expenses. Mom is in a tough situation with this.
My earlier comment about it being sad for the son was to point out that the son might be sad about his relationships with the men in his life, and this can impact him emotionally. Unfortunately I know several kids in similar situations and it has impacted their sense of self-worth.
Does mom have veto power over step dad’s expenditures from the family income? If not, why not, if the reciprocal is true? Does mom currently spend money on herself that could be diverted to a college fund? The issue isnt any lack of resources, it is how they are used.
Well, if the step dad wants to spend anything over 1000, he checks with mom. It’s not like he vetoes me buying a pair of shoes.
Maybe a gap year will be good an resets us. Kid learns maturity, saves some money to use himself, and applies one more time with more skills under his belt and this time better thought out. Plus, I save some more money in the 529.
I don’t think either of those two things are problems.
Way up thread OP said that dad will continue to contribute between 500-1000 per month, so 6-12K per year.
Step-dad is doing the same thing that any married couple does … looks at entire family budget for what everyone contributes and what is going out sounds like that was a decision made mutually.
It is totally okay to put a limit on what a family will spend on college.
It is totally okay to say we will spend $X on this college but only $X on this other
It is totally okay to place limits
These are not problems.
These are a family’s decisions based on their own long term goals, needs, etc.
The Interweb denizens do not have the full picture, aren’t entitled to it and have no right to judge a family’s decisions on how they use their financial resources.
Couldn’t agree more. And, the total resources are actually $800,000 annually (OP has said the ex husband would contribute something).
I just deleted a long paragraph explaining why I think women often undervalue their contributions because on reflection that’s taking this thread off topic. But I believe that there’s a good chance this might be happening here.
I understand that different families have different value systems, but in my family (also immigrant) education is SO paramount that families do everything they can to pay for their kids’ college educations. And most of them (not me!) go on to be doctors. And to support their aging parents. I’m just boggled by the fact that there is $800,000 available and collectively the family doesn’t seem to be putting the kid’s needs as a top priority.
(Not saying they should support applying to NYU etc, but surely he could have applied to other excellent schools where he had a better chance of admission than NW).
Mom came to an internet board asking for advice and support for her family’s decision. I think everyone has said that the decision is for her family to make, and it obviously reflects their values. Some people limit how much they spend on cars or vacations or shoes or education. All such decisions are valid, they just reflect different priorities. It is reasonable to be candid with the son on what the priorities are.
It’s also entirely understandable that someone who has already been through one divorce is wary of depending totally on spouse and using most of one’s own income to pay for college. I have no idea of the dynamics here but I’d personally (having seen enough from my own parents divorce and various people I know) never suggest that one partner become financially dependent on the other to this extent, if it was avoidable. Worst case what happens if the support disappears halfway through college?
I do agree however that family expense priorities are a thing that need to be figured out. In our family, we would not for example deny a full cost college education but have new luxury SUVs for parents every couple of years (yes, I have seen this). It’s tricky because the one with all the money to spare is the step-parent , and while I agree a stepchild is part of the package, taking care of one does not automatically extend to spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on him. I don’t think anyone outside the family situation can really say what “should” be done here.
I like the idea of a gap year if a deferral is possible.
Back in the first post, OP wrote that son says his family could pay but chooses not to. That is true. OP further writes that they are being generous in funding 160k, which is also true, as no one is entitled to college. Seems all parties just need to learn to live with the choices made.
OP, you could make the picture of family relationships a lot clearer. Some are going on an assumption there are communications problems between the son and SD, even with bio dad. And affection issues. Disappointments. And it feels like, every so many posts, some new tidbit is thrown in. Like son having a bf or whether you need approval to buy shoes.(Or we cycle back to some point, it seems to me, you answered already.)
I don’t see where some issue of women’s roles is central. Or where the certainty comes from that SD is some dominant naysayer. It’s typical for a family to consider the needs and wants of the whole, when setting budget.
Many families set a $ limit based on flagship costs at in-state rates. The fact of income totals doesn’t automatically change philosophy. The fact SD earns more doesn’t mean “that’s that,” he ponies up or he’s an ogre.
(Yes, with FA, it’s expected all resources are used to contribute. But this isn’t a FA scenario.)
It feels like this thread has been wandering for some time.
I also say that Purdue is not chopped liver. Praying he gets accepted there. They have a gap year program.
The kid isn’t relegated to a local directional college here. With a 3.6 GPA and not stellar test scores (sorry to be harsh), if he is able to get into Purdue then it is not a bad option. I don’t necessary think why the parents need to pay 300K for NYU/BU just because it is more hip to be in NYC/Boston.
I am all about investing in education (an immigrant here), but there is no way I would pay for a school because my kid thinks it would be more fun. I am one of those who believes where one goes to school matters, and that’s why I wouldn’t pay extra 150K for NYU/BU over Purdue when it comes to CS.
D1 got a full scholarship to a second tier LAC. If her only options were a top 50 uni and my alma mater (higher ranking LAC) then she would have taken the scholarship. She was fortunate to get off both Cornell & Duke’s WL and we (D1 and I) chose to forego the scholarship. The investments I made on both of my girls’ education have helped them with the jobs/graduate school.
BTW- Most people refer to Northwestern as NU, not NWU or NW.
Common, he has a gpa of 3.6999, give hi 3.7 not 3.6 lol
Initially I was just anxious and wanted to hear that I shouldnt worry about it, and I didn’t tell my whole life story. I didn’t expect to have more than 3 or 4 answers. That’s why more info comes along as the post continues to grow.
@BluEyeL - it usually happens. We are good at dragging out info from posters. 
I am also a divorced parent who paid for all of my kids’ education (their father was of no help). To be frank, if I were to get married (not likely) to someone with adult children, I don’t think I would be inclined to share the kids’ expenses. I think OP’s husband is being generous. The kid’s father should be more on the hook. Just my opinion.
I think the gap year solves the problem of wanting to be in a hip and cool place and away from IN for a bit.
Kid is very excited to be independent and away from home. Wants to move out and go to New Haven (btw new tidbit lol ) ASAP.
Will decide if he does take the gap year if he likes working for them. They said he has all the time to decide, he can decide 1 day before the first 9 months of the job end. He says he’s interested but it has to be worth it, if it’s fulfilling he’ll do it , if not he’ll go to (hopefully) Purdue this Fall. Purdue allows a gap year you have to let them know before August 1st.
He’s ok with going to Purdue after if he does take the gap year. He is happy and excited today .