The messaging was Purdue and IU up until this past spring/summer. That is because I told him that’s what I alone can afford and he can’t count on anyone else in this world. Anyone else helping is gravy but we cant count on it. it’s just me and him. Plus , he knew and was saying that Purdue is amazing. We even went to the admissions in 9th grade to speak to them about the expectations for CS so he can work towards that. Most Bs came in the junior year unfortunately but we were/are counting on getting a boost from extracurriculars and being in state …
last spring , we went to visit NWU just for fun… A friend and I wanted to go “somewhere “. So we went to Chicago and thought it would be interesting to visit NWU. It became the dream school and I said ok and convinced my H.
The information I didn’t give here is that my son has a boyfriend . Apparently he’s not straight as he said. Not gay but not straight. He met him though the extra curriculars. He began to be heavily influenced by him. BF is not from this state, is a year older and goes to NYU. That’s when he started talking about fancy schools and other stuff that wasn’t like him and parroting this guy at an annoying level.
When he didn’t get into NWU, I believe he talked to this guy who always told my son how miserable he’ll be at Purdue blah blah. And then, all of a sudden , a few days after the rejection. my son wants to apply to NYU ED or if not somewhere close to NY. I don’t think it’s a legitimate desire to go to those schools , but rather to be close to his love interest. Of course i can’t even suggest that because he’ll vehemently deny it. But he knows that he’s not sad because he can’t go to NYU, but because of distance very likely ruining his relationship. Letting him do that and paying for it is a recipe for disaster I think.
Are there any schools similar to NU that are affordable for you and that he can get in based on his stats? Maybe he should send a few apps to other schools so he has more choices than just his safety.
What I had found sad in all of this is that OP presents this scenario as kid can’t count on anyone except for mom. That sure must not feel good for son to know he can’t count on his dad, and that his step-father isn’t treating him like a son, but rather his wife’s child.
@melvin123. That’s too common these days. But we really don’t know the relationship with his step father… But I know what the OP is saying about not counting on anyone but herself. I give her credit. But the step father sounds like he will step up if needed. Hopefully they have a decent relationship.
OP - FWIW, I’m sure you know this, but Purdue has a vibrant and supportive LGBTQ community. It’s such a big school that he will for sure find his people. I have to believe the same is true at IU.
I think the bf sounds selfish and immature to tell your son that he will be miserable in IN.
Following young love is never a good idea so I totally agree with you about NYU. If it’s meant to be, they will make it work long distance.
@melvin123 - As the mother of two kids from two ex husbands I completely understand the OP saying this. If help comes from either of them (which I highly doubt), it would be, as OP stated, “gravy”.
@Knowsstuff LOL, I do have hope that our S20 will begin to see us as members of his species soon. Our older two call us ALL the time, so I know it is possible. Once a great mystery of life is solved by us (e.g., what do you do about the holes in the wall created by hanging pictures in your rental apartment?), one can actually take on a preferred-contact status.
This last one is going to hold on to his monk-like existence for as long as possible, though. We may need to break out the really good stuff for him, like, 15 year mortgage vs. 30 year? He’s not gonna crack for anything less than a four-figure financial pay-off.
@cypresspat. So funny… Quick fix for the holes if very small is toothpaste btw. Of course spackle but that would mean leaving the apartment to go to the store… Lol?.
@Knowsstuff Yes, I offered both the temporary and permanent fix options. The toothpaste trick jettisoned us to genius status and he rarely makes a home-repair move without our counsel now.
Haven’t read more than a few posts in this thread so I’m sure this has been mentioned but I’ll repeat it. I see three themes here:
Can you afford it (including shuld your husband contribute)?
Should you pay for it (including your husband)?
Does your kid deserve it?
1 is more factual than 2 or 3. It’s a matter of math. Of course there are degrees of affordability. Are you willing to work longer, borrow, etc?
2 and 3 are completely subjective based soley on you / your family. No one can help you with that. I can see great arguments for and against spending 70k/yr.
The elephant in the room for me is “does he deserve it?” meaning entitled. I have the perspective that no one really dereves anything other than what our constitutional rights afford you. It’s your money, not his. You get to decide what to do with it, not him. Is it fair? I don’t know, wha’st fair? Would it be fair if you paid 300k and he missed a class because he slept in?
Regardless of what’s already been said, I think you should have a serious conversation about expectations. Had this been clear up front (with both your husband and your son) you’d be in a different position. You’re where you’re at. Deal with it by establishing concrete expectations. Guilt doesn’t have to even play in to this.
A serious question for OP. Your current husband makes $500k and is presumably willing to support you. If you make over $100k, why can’t your entire salary be used for son’s college education?
It seems that if you are under 24 you are a resident where your main custodial parent resides. He lived here all of his life, went to school here, and we live here. I don’t think it’ll be a problem. But like I said, I’ll check some more.
I checked online briefly, and it seems it’ll be ok, but I’ll have to check into it some more and actually talk to someone.
That was the exact scenario for NWU. Why can’t we do that? Because my H withdrew his support to that level and doesn’t agree to the plan for the other colleges. He doesn’t see my salary as only mine I guess, it’s ours.
I agree it’s sad, but there is fantasy and there is reality. Life is not a Hallmark movie and thinking that you are entitled to anything makes it even harder when you wake up from that dream.
If your income is over 600k, then you have a lot of discretionary spending. Cars, vacations, etc. You choose not to spend as much on college, which is your choice. It is a matter of your priorities.