<p>"How would changing schools solve anything? "</p>
<p>There are few high schools that are marijuana free, but there are many where pot-smoking is not an “integral part of the social scene,” as OP posted.</p>
<p>" agree that it’s naive to think that the best school in the state would necessarily have fewer drug problems. . ."</p>
<p>Depends on how you define “the best school in the state.” It is not always the one with the fancy cars in the parking lot.</p>
<p>Grounded…effective immediately…no phone, no FB, no going out…period…whenever my D made choices she knew I did not agree with she was on restriction. I refused to let her go to parties that “everyone” was going to that involved parents not home and drinking (or parents home who just didn’t care)…it wasn’t just the drinking and drug use as I allow my daughter alcohol within our home and whenever we travel overseas as it is accepted (a small glass of wine with a special dinner…which she usually declines anyway!)
It was because of the possibility of kids so drunk or high they die and everyone is too scared or don;t know to call for help, or the risk of an arrest that will forever change her future. Kids don’t realize the possible consequences and think you are being overprotective…oh well…my house, my kid, my rules…no exceptions…
As now she is a senior and guess what she has seem everything I was preaching come true…a girl ended up hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last winter, sxeveral havebeen arrested (even ones that were NOT drinking, but were caught at a party where there was alcohol)…as she is filling out college apps and actually sees the questions about arrests/school disciplinary action/etc…she is realizing I wasn’t a crazy mom and my worries were not unfounded! So be the crazy, overprotective, strict mom…it is worth it!!! (and they actually are happier and more secure during these turbulent years with well defined boundries)</p>
<p>You are getting good advice here. Importantly you are having a dialogue with your son. I know many parents who turn a blind eye. I had a similar issue with my son in 11th grade. The other boys who were smoking outside our house and their parents came over and we all had a frank discussion. That meant I called every parent and let them know what happened. That was not easy. Everybody then knew that illegal substances would not be tolerated in our home. Then each boy confessed to the AD at the high school knowing that there is a rule that a first offense to which they confessed would not be punished with loss of playing games. The school did arrange an intervention-police, ER doctor and priest all met with them. Also of course he was grounded, cell phone and driving priviledges suspended. I bought drug testing kits and he knew I would use them if I had concerns. Worst for him, I suspect, is that the trust between us was seriously shaken and it has taken a long time to be reestablished. That was two years ago and I can say that the parents who were very passive when we had our meeting continued to have problems with their children using.</p>
<p>Also…always know where and who your child is with…seems silly to say, but so many other parents don’t even ask!! I always insist on knowing who she will be with, where they will be at, if the parents will be home (and have been known to call and check!) and insist on text “check-ins” if she is changing the set plans…these are rules that if broken result in punishment…and as a poster above said…you have to be willing to follow thru completely with your punishments…no exceptions.
When she was younger it didn’t even matter if the parents were going to be home if I didn’t know them…I always just said why don’t you all come to our house instead…then I knew who was home and in charge!!</p>
<p>I reccomend weekly drug testing for a <em>long</em> time with hefty consequences. You can order bulk drug tests on line cheaply. The most important thing I can stress is to talk to the other parents. Everyone is to embarrassed to call. Make sure people are supervising and encourage everyone locking up their alcohol, even if they think ithey have “good kids.” Call to make sure the parents are home, and drive by to see if they are really where they say. It is exhausting but worth it. Don’t put your guard down!</p>
<p>Drugs are everywhere. There is no high school free of them, but there are some where it’s a much smaller part of the social scene. My kids were at the high school currently listed as number one in MA in some rankings (Dover-Sherborn), and the pot and drinking problem there is terrible. As others have said, athletes are the worst offenders. Often they have parents who provide the kegs and the venues (“at least they’ll be safe at our house”). Wealthy communities with high achieving parents are among the worst for this sort of trouble. Zero tolerance policies aren’t that effective. At D-S, the kids get kicked off the team for one game rather than the season. Why? Because of fear of lawsuits. Too many parents are more concerned about their kids’ social standing and the appearance of success than they are about their character. And the school doesn’t want to lose an entire team for the season.</p>
<p>You can’t stop your son’s friends from doing this, but you can keep your son on a short leash. Assume there will be pot and alcohol at every party. Assume his friends will get drunk or stoned every time they get together, especially at night, because they will. Then go from there.</p>
<p>Limit his available cash. Love him, support him, and say, often and with conviction, that you do not approve of people smoking pot (then mention a few detriments that might hit home with your son). In my mind, if you love the person you know he can be, instead of demonizing the person you are afraid he’s becoming, you will have more traction with his behavior and a better overall outcome. </p>
<p>Also throw out a carrot – “I know this is a tough year. If you get through it without getting into trouble for those things I told you not to do, I will give you (fill in the blank).”</p>
<p>Changing schools won’t help. Stay involved; know who his friends are; and remember if it gets bad – there is no parent/child privilege (i.e., you can be called to testify against your child). </p>
<p>I have now probably “outed” myself as someone who watches way too much Law & Order. Ba dum bum.</p>
<p>I think some of these responses are extreme over reactions. Until your kid is showing signs of a decrease in functioning and mood, I would go with a more wait and see attitude.</p>
<p>I never caught my kids smoking pot, but I found diaries with details and poetry. I found photos of drinking at parties in high school. Stuff deliberately left available for me to see. Friday night football games many of the kids in the audience were obviously drunk and stoned. I’ve walked in on games of beer pong and drunk kids.</p>
<p>I think drug testing is really stupid. How would you like a college drug testing your kid? </p>
<p>Article in NYT today</p>
<p><a href=“At Linn State Technical, a Fight Over Required Drug Tests - The New York Times”>At Linn State Technical, a Fight Over Required Drug Tests - The New York Times;
<p>ACLU is challenging a college’s testing of students, as a violation of civil rights.</p>
<p>Modeling is the best prevention. Don’t drink in front of your kids. Don’t teach them to drink “responsibly”. Don’t give alcohol to kids under 21. </p>
<p>There is an alcohol gene, just as there is a marijuana gene.</p>
<p>Classof2015 I knew a person whose parents promised they would give a grand if the kiddo didn’t drink for a year. The kiddo did. They never found out. I never told… The kiddo collected. In my opinion bribes are the worse thing a parent could do.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys – I understand the intent of what you’re saying, and I don’t doubt it happened, but I don’t know how a carrot became a bribe. I guess it all depends on how you look at behavior modification. One person’s motivator is another person’s evil crime. I guess what it comes down to is this – if it works to get the behavior you want from your child, then it’s worth using. But each of us has to make our own choice. I think the OP is struggling to find a way that works for her and her child. Motivation (in whatever form, and whatever you want to call it) is what will sculpt behavior.</p>
<p>Parent1986, I respectfully disagree. Live and let live is not the way to go with most teens. They need clearly defined boundaries and rules. That’s how responsibility is taught. You learn our rules, you choose to break the rules, you suffer the consequences. Modeling good behavior is not enough. </p>
<p>You say you walked in on alcohol drinking. Did you discuss the consequences with your child?</p>
<p>I work in this field. Most high school kids do NOT smoke marijuana and, strange as it may seem, do not drink. And the majority of those who do, don’t run into any long-term problems as a result of either. Early drinking is by far the more dangerous, both in terms of acute problems that may occur now (drunk driving, alcohol overdoses, sexual assaults, fights) and longer-term alcohol-related problems. There are teens (and college students) who use either alcohol or marijuana as a form of self-medication for an underlying psychological condition. There are also those for whom there is a genetic predisposition for alcoholism (the current evidence on marijuana is equivocal). There is such a thing as marijuana-induced psychosis, but it is relatively rare. </p>
<p>It is difficult to find that zone where at once one is not overreacting but also not ignoring things or sweeping problems under the rug either. You are a parent, NOT your child’s “best friend”. Maintaining connection and relationship with your teen is critical, and, in most cases, if you set reasonable rules for your teen and stick by them (even when it turns difficult), s/he will respect you all the more for it.</p>
<p>There is no such thing as responsibility without freedom, including the ability to make BAD choices, and then face the consequences for them and learn from them.</p>
<p>(Meanwhile, there are folks at major corporations sitting around right now figuring out what kind of products they are going to bring to market if/when marijuana becomes legal. Think Costco. The irony is under such a scenario, marijuana will be supplied to adults over 21, but we’ll leave the kids to the mercy of the drug dealers. Strange world…)</p>
<p>I’m somewhere in there with P86 and mini.
Personally, I am against abuse of anything to resolve social or other problems. But, the biggest danger with threats, grounding, etc, is driving the kid into dishonesty, if that’s his wish. </p>
<p>I know plenty of girls who have lied about everything to their parents- from sex to getting kicked out of school functions for drinking to where they were last weekend. I know plenty of parents who boldly tell me how they “resolved” some issue with their kids. And, how the kid now respects the parents for their stance and tows the line. Then my own D blabs to me about what these kids are really up to. It’s important to keep the lines of communications open. Keep talking. Don’t stick your head in the sand- but watch where and how you draw your line in the sand.</p>
<p>Btw, the kids I knew in hs and college who smoked pot are mostly fine, responsible, satsified and accomplished adults now. The ones who aren’t had multiple judgment, maturity and other issues, to begin with.</p>
<p>A very wise doctor who specializes only in adolescent-males in our community recommends the following - Inform him that there will be weekly drug tests with consequences he will not like. This way he can tell the kids he hangs out with: “hey im being tested this week”. In this way he will not be pressured to smoke, since it makes the parents the bad guy, and lets him off the hook. I know its a bit of a cop out, but kids these days have many pressures, and sometimes playing the parents being the heavy card helps (ps it also works with girls being peer pressured to drink). On the other hand, you need to watch out for the way he is smoking - socially at a party or with a few buddies or by himself . The social way is somewhat less of a problem apparently. And last - be aware of youthful boasting - his claims may very well be exaggerations intended to impress.</p>
<p>lilmom, I forgot to say that my kids are extremely successful and accomplished. </p>
<p>Of course they knew I didn’t approve and there were consequences.</p>
<p>“OP: 10th grade is the worst year, bar none”</p>
<p>Snowdog, I’d like to hear more about that. I do stuff like this for a living, and I have not been able to isolate the “worst year”. I am about to pay dearly for CME, and here it is, right on college confidential. Do you have any references, or is this anecdotal?</p>
<p>I sure as heck wouldn’t allow him to drive without you or your spouse in the car. If he were to drive under the influence of either drugs or alchohol while covered by your insurance, and driving a car registered in your name, you could lose everything in a lawsuit and lose your insurance.</p>
<p>I also like mhmm’s advice. The drug test gives him a way to avoid peer pressure without losing face.</p>
<p>This thread calls for a “teenage” perspective.</p>
<p>So, call me crazy, but is there really anything wrong? He has good grades, he’s an athlete, and not a problem child in the least bit. Frankly: so what? I realize that no parent is going to want their child to go out and smoke – but I think it’s important to realize that it could be a lot worse. Obviously it’s not ideal. But at the same time, by coming down too hard on him, by trying to get him to change his friends, or schools, etc? You will probably just drive him to smoke more. And it might create a rift between you two. </p>
<p>If you’re seriously against your kid smoking, then I guess I would talk to him. Level. Explain you don’t want him to smoke. Don’t accuse him of anything – list your concerns as a parent. And please listen to what he has to say. Make it clear you will have random drug testing, and state the consequences for not passing.</p>
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<p>For the love of Carl Sagan, don’t do this. You will risk (if only temporary) your relationship with your son. You can’t always be the “friend” parent – but there are other ways to go about it.</p>
<p>It’s also important to consider that not every kid who smokes weed is peer pressuring other kids. In fact, I know anti-drug commercials make it seem like there is all of this pressure to seem ‘cool’ – but, you know what? I can honestly tell you, as somebody currently in high school (who has been at various parties) I have never seen somebody PRESSURED into drinking or smoking weed. People will offer, and if the kid says no, the matter is dropped. You may not want to hear this, but your kid probably made the decision to smoke for himself. It’s not like he’s going to suddenly have no friends if he turns down weed – as much as anti-drug things would like you to believe.</p>
<p>But, still. My opinion is that, until it becomes a problem (he stops seeing his friends, becomes disrespectful, his grades drop, etc) I would just leave him be. Make it clear that you don’t want him to, but as long as his responsibilities come first, why is it an issue?</p>
<p>“There is an alcohol gene, just as there is a marijuana gene.”</p>
<p>Parent1986, can you post a link about the marijuana gene? i have not heard that before and I want to check this out at the conference next week</p>