<p>As a senior who once dabbled in pot back in early sophomore year, it’s probably harmless. I don’t smoke anymore. I tried it with my friends. It was fun sometimes, but we soon realized we had just as much fun together sober as opposed to stoned - only with a lot more cash we weren’t spending on weed. My parents caught me once, they had a strict conversation with me right away and told me they didn’t approve at all. They didn’t ground me or take away my phone, but they kept checking up on me to see where I was and got stricter on when/where I could go out. My parents didn’t make me or my friends stop, we stopped ourselves a couple weeks after that conversation. I think weed is really more of a phase for kids, something they discover and spend a few months trying on weekends with friends. At least that’s how it’s been at my school.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I knew I could count on CC to get a wide range of responses. I especially appreciate the comments from the parents who have been through this and from the young people who are in the thick of things. Lots of good stuff. It takes a village . . .</p>
<p>There are several interwoven issues:
- The friends the kid has are pulling him in directions that are not healthy. Changing friends can help but that is hard to “make” happen. Good friends pull you into healthy directions (“Let’s take snowboard lessons” or “Let’s take the train to the Met” adventures). </p>
<p>2) The parent wants to continue to have a good relationship. Too heavy a hand means the student may walk away in defiance. Too light a hand and the student shrugs and does . . . anything he likes. The trick is to be clear and firm without being nasty or shrill. </p>
<p>If this were my kid, here’s what I would do:
- Tell kid that I overheard the conversation (which this parent has done). Tell kid I am compelled to share this information with the parents of the other teens. (This will be massively unpopular but is extremely important).
- Call the other parents and calmly report what was overheard and what is known for a fact.
- Buy kid a copy of “Arrested: What to do when your loved one is in jail” by Wes Denham ($16 on Amazon). Tell kid “you might as well know the drill because this is your future if you keep with those pals and your current attitude”. Say that calmly but firmly. What is awesome about Denham’s book is that he is a long time bail bonds man. He has seen stoners from the first toke through to nearly brain dead. He has a very frank section about marijuana. In his opinion, it is so relaxing that it kills ambition and drive . . . for just about anything but food. He is not a preachy sort – just “here’s where we meet the jail system and then here’s what tends to unfold next”. It is very sobering.
- I’d get the kid busy with a huge adventure. This is one of those times when I would bust every piggy bank, rob the college fund, grab from the retirement fund because $1000 spent now might save thousands more in legal and rehab fees. I’d say “I want you to be so busy with something you love and feel is important that you aren’t interested in being stoned.” I would suggest 1) flying lessons or snowboard lessons or 2) trip for kid and (non stoner) friend to cheap destination. Sometimes you can get a cheap flight to some amazing places – NYC, London, Madrid, Berlin. </p>
<p>Is this a “bribe” or a “carrot” or a "redirection’? Pick your term (and your high horse) but the point is that the book lays out the consequences and the parent helps to lay out really exciting alternatives. And I would tell the kid “look, I am willing to take this out of my retirement account for you to have this adventure because I feel you are worth it. I am terrified about not having enough money later but you are more important to me than that terror.”</p>
<p>I absolutely would never, ever, ever “let this slide”. Here’s an example why:</p>
<p>We have a new Golden Retriever. He’s a youngster. He loves us. He loves attention too. The other night we were looking at photos on a friend’s Ipad and were not paying (enough) attention to Pup. Pup goes to the laundry basket in the bedroom and fetches a sock (which he knows is off limits and not a toy). We take the sock from him and scold him slightly but then turn back to the photos. Pup wags tail and . . . goes and fetches underwear from the laundry basket and drops same in guest’s lap!</p>
<p>Now, how does Pup know underwear in the guest’s lap is more embarrassing than a sock to DH? I don’t know, but somehow he did. My point being that sometimes naughty behavior is a cry for attention. It is better to pay attention and redirect with positive feedback ("Where’s your ball? There’s the ball! Good boy!) than to ignore bad behavior and then have it escalate. </p>
<p>Show your kid that you care enough about him to be firm and clear (and offer some alternatives where he could positively earn your approval).</p>
<p>My friend’s family took the extreme, the wife quit the job and took the D to Austin to go school there for her sr. year and we live in CA…</p>
<p>We did all of the things you’re supposed to do as a parent: be involved at school, spend time with your kids and their activities, keep them active in appropriate activities (music, sports, academic clubs, church) and still my son developed a problem. Underlying depression and anxiety was extremely difficult to diagnose but finally we got people (doctors, teachers, coaches) to pay attention. </p>
<p>My son changed school as a senior and it was the best thing he ever did. His previous school was overrun with extreme competition, hyper-competitive kids (5 APs is the norm) and rampant marijuana and alcohol abuse. It was a bad combination for him (our other 2 kids are doing just fine).</p>
<p>In his new school, the classes are small, it’s buttoned-up and he’s seeing first-hand how easy it is to have fun without breaking the rules. His doctor said the likelihood that a kid can successfully recreate him/herself in high school is near zero. If your kids’ friends have gone done the path of alcohol and booze and he/she wants to change schools - don’t wait. I wish we had done it a year earlier. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache.</p>
<p>Olymom- You would send your 10th grade son to Europe because you are pretty convinced he’s smoking pot? The pup got the wrong message from a scolding. I’d be worried my kid would get the wrong message from busting the piggy bank to send him on a fabulous life experience. I might, instead, commit him or her to hours and hours of community service, to do some good for others, occupy his time- and, maybe, learn from others’ situations.</p>
<p>I also think there is a difference between a depressed, anxiety-ridden kid at a competitive hs- who needs an environment change- and OP’s kid, who’s described as getting good grades, good, an athlete, generally well mannered and well behaved and a social kid.</p>
<p>When a friend started a new ADHD medication back in the summer (this is a decent student, but an effing brilliant kid), he used weed and cigs to negate the “comedown.” Plenty of kids I know use it that way. Others, though, need some kind of escape from their supposedly god-awful lives. The OP’s son sounds like neither of these cases, but like a normal kid. Jeeze.</p>
<p>And, honestly, think of the other things your kid could be off doing–in the long run, a little smoking isn’t a terrible thing whatsoever, and your son probably won’t ruin his life over a few j’s. I’m not a parent, though, so you should really deal with it how you see fit.</p>
<p>According to Monitoring the Future 2010, lifetime prevalence of marijuana use among 30-year-olds is 69%; annual prevalence among college students is more than 33%. Clearly, the biggest risk involved in marijuana use are the social consequences. This is not a defense of marijuana use, only a suggestion that one not go overboard. Make clear what your own values are; make your reasons clear; make the consequences transparent; but consider that the nuclear option might not be the way to go.</p>
<p>Our legislature is about to consider marijuana legalization. Without commenting upon whether this is a good idea or not (another thread, please), we need to take a deep breath and make sure we know what we are doing.</p>
<p>Again, I work in the alcohol/drug field. We (and I include myself in this) have KILLED hundreds of children by lying to them about marijuana for decades. Once they picked up on the fact that we were lying, they thought we were lying to them about other drugs as well, with deadly consequences.</p>
<p>There are very good reasons we don’t want our kids to use marijuana. There are a lot better reasons we don’t want them to drink alcohol (even with us, at home) at a young age, and the consequences tend to be far more deadly.</p>
<p>Don’t lose sight of the goal: happy, healthy kids who can pursue their goals with passion, who can learn from their choices - good and bad - and can become responsible, life-affirming adults.</p>
<p>From mini:
</p>
<p>Totally agree. One mom in our community found pot in her 10th grade son’s room. She called the police. This is the same son who called the police when his mother hit him. I asked S about the boy and how he’s doing; he said “fine”. I offered to make this boy dinner when he was at our house studying with S; S said he’d already eaten. My heart breaks for this child. What good does it do for the mom to call the police on her own child? What does that do? If anything, next time the police get a call from the boy, they might think “that’s a messed up household” and not believe him.</p>
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<p>Doubt anyone here would ever say that. My criteria is the school with the highest SAT scores in the state, and yes the kids drink and smoke, it is a huge problem. Changing schools is not a solution, if your kid wants to get high he can find friends to do it with at ANY school.</p>
<p>@shrinkwrap: just saw your post. My evidence is anecdotal – talking to parents and administrators and what I saw with my own eyes. In 10th grade there is a big new freedom that feels adult - driving - coupled with an amazing lack of maturity. I am now out the other side with a sensible senior and could not be happier about that.</p>
<p>I can not imagine ever calling the police on my child! An arrest on their record for a stupid lapse in judgement is what we as parents are trying to protect them against…hence strict rules and punishment at home when we find them breaking the rules…</p>
<p>Involving the police depends on the severity of the behavior and the lack of responsiveness of the kid. I would not report my kid to the police for a first or even second offense but if I felt the message was not getting through, I would consider it. It depends on the history and the context of the teen’s behavior.</p>
<p>We are not ambivalent about pot. It’s not acceptable to us that our child use it. For me, it’s not just a legal issue but a health issue. I’ve seen people who wrecked their lives with pot as a gateway drug and I’m not willing to take that chance with my kid. I am fully aware that many will consider my attitude extreme. Oh well.</p>
<p>THC is not benign. THC is fat soluble and the adolescent brain is still actively myelinating the prefrontal cortex. Chronic THC usage in adolescence is associated with diminished volume of the pre-frontal cortex, less cognitive flexibility and abnormal activation patterns in the part of the brain that controls key executive functions. I have no idea where Mini gets the idea that this is not the case, as the research is very clear. I am a professional in this area too and I regularly speak with adolescents and I show them the research, too. </p>
<p>I didn’t see it as an either/or proposition of alcohol/THC with our older kids, and it will not be that way with the younger kid. The message was clear and the limits were transparent and we made the choice to be responsible and to provide limits and recognition both. </p>
<p>Making choices, making bad decisions, trying something and feeling that it is not for you. All within reason. A parent not addressing this issue for fear of losing a relationship- is just irresponsible. </p>
<p>If my child were bragging to a friend about how great it was to be buzzed, I would be concerned that my child was needing that sort of affirmation, and I would definitely articulate my concern and my willingness to help in finding out ways to find affirmation in better ways, to avoid potentially health threatening situations.</p>
<p>There was an important point made by the teen who posted on this thread. For every parent who says, my kid’s terrible friends are pressuring him to smoke/drink, there is another parent in another house who thinks <em>your</em> kid is the problem! </p>
<p>And the person who mentioned anxiety and depression - yes. There is a lot going on below the surface with kids who get in real trouble with substances. Once they are driving, it is very hard to know where they are every second too, even if you think you do. The parents in my town are great and we are all trying to just get our kids to college alive, it does take a village.</p>
<p>I would strongly recommend against calling the cops on your own kid. I love cops, but sometimes their hands are tied. You cannot always predict how your child (when drunk or stoned) will react to a police officer. You cannot control the professionalism of the cop who shows up at the door. Cops do not control what happens in jail.</p>
<p>Have to agree with glido on the above statement. There are plenty of horror stories.</p>
<p>Totally agree that 10th grade is the most difficult year. Kids are feeling more independent, they have more friends and more social opportunities, and you have probably loosened the reigns some in an effort to let them grow up a little. I felt very lost and confused by my teen’s behavior at this age and found a wonderful book that really helped me work through many of these issues: Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley. What a lifesaver that was to me. Now that I have a second child in the 9th grade, I will be rereading it to remind myself how to maintain my good relationship with him while I continue to parent him through these tumultuous times.</p>
<p>One more thing, if you aren’t looking at his facebook page regularly, or don’t have access to it, you should. And, I don’t mean surreptitiously. Tell him that he must give you access to his page. (We insist on having the password until our kids are older; some people are satified with being their kid’s “friend.”) Facebook is a wealth of information about what is going on, not only in your kid’s life but in the lives of his friends, many of whom will post very incriminating photos and things like invitations to parties involving drinking and drugs. Being “friends” with your kid won’t give you access to some of this information, which is why we insist on having his password. We don’t talk about anything private he discusses with friends in his inbox–we only spot check that for trouble. But, barring poking your nose over the fence at the parties he attends, this is the best you can do to find out what’s really going on in his life. That way we can intervene before there’s trouble. We know that he will be in the presence of alcohol and pot throughout high school. He’d have to be pretty anti-social to avoid it completely. But, if we know when to be hyper-vigilent and when to warn him that we know what’s going on and that there will be consequences (such as long grounding) if he partakes, we find things work out pretty well. He can go to the parties with his friends and just tell them that he has crazy parents and will be grounded forever if he drinks or smokes.</p>
<p>“Chronic THC usage in adolescence is associated with diminished volume of the pre-frontal cortex, less cognitive flexibility and abnormal activation patterns in the part of the brain that controls key executive functions.”</p>
<p>The actual number of chronic THC users (as defined by CDC) among enrolled 10th graders is miniscule. (We do know, or we think we know, it is protective against the physiological, pscyhological, and behavioral effects of MDMA, and may also be so in relation to other drugs.)</p>