<p>This is a lot longer than I intended it to be but please read it.
I am currently a Sophomore in college and I am having a hard time making friends. I feel like most people make their friends from their hallway freshmen year. A lot of people make friends in pairs with their roommates. Even if two roommates dont end up being friends in the long run, I noticed that at the beginning of Freshmen year, people go around meeting their hall mates and then hanging out with them together in these pairs. This takes a lot of the pressure off of making new friends and also makes things less awkward. After getting more comfortable with the people in their hall, people sometimes break away from their roommates and sometimes they dont. Last year I got unlucky and roomed with a girl who wasn't interested in meeting new people. She wouldn't even let me leave our door open. It is very difficult for someone like me who is shy, socially awkward, and lacking self confidence to make friends alone. I feel like everyone in my hall clicked off very quickly and before I knew it, I was alone. I had a very hard time adjusting to college and I spent most of last year feeling depressed. Being shy and depressed is the recipe to not make friends.
This year, my floor is about half Freshmen and half upperclassmen. I feel like all the upperclassmen have their friends and arent looking for any more. It is very difficult for a shy person to break into an already formed social circle. And just like last year, my roommate isnt looking to make friends. So any socializing I want to do with my hallway, I have to do alone. I have hung out with a bunch of freshmen in my hallway. Honestly though, I only really clicked with maybe two of them. I would like to be friends with these two people but, I feel like they already cliqued off with other people in the hallway. I also feel weird trying to befriend the freshmen since I am a year older. I feel like they are thinking, "Doesn't she already have friends? Why is she trying to befriend us?"
My problem is, I have a lot of trouble following through with relationships and turning acquaintances into friends. I have people who I sit with in class but I have an extremely difficult time taking relationships to the next level. Its not that Im that fearful of rejection, I feel like the whole process of asking to get food or hang out will be awkward. Im also afraid that it isnt appropriate to take things to the next level. I know the people who I sit with already have friends and although they can use another class buddy they dont need another friend. I also get depressed really easily. It makes it even harder to feel confident and step out of my comfort zone when Im not in a good mood.
I understand how wonderful college can be if you have a good group of friends. All of my friends from home love college and they were very excited to come back to school. I have been dreading coming back for the entire summer. I feel like it isnt fair that I am so unhappy. College is supposed to be the best four years of your life and I feel like it is going to be the worst four years of my life.
At this point I feel like there is something wrong with me that is preventing me from making friends. I have a hard time relating to others and clicking with people. I have awkward tendencies I am just generally not very comfortable with people. I really cannot even visualize having a close group of friends here. I just feel like it is never going to happen. Everyone else has found their niche here and is having the time of their lives. I feel like I am just floating around without any true friends to keep me grounded. I am not in a position where I have zero friends. My roommate and I met last year and we are friends (although we arent really close and honestly if we werent rooming together we would probably never see each other. and she is leaving next year). I have another friend but, she is in a sorority so she is really busy with that. I am also starting to become friends with one of my suitemates but, she is studying abroad next semester and she already has a lot of friends. So basically none of my friends are very reliable.
I am frustrated because I want to enjoy college so badly. But, I feel like I am destined to be miserable for the next three years because I am cursed with shyness and insecurity. I want to make more friends but I feel like I cant. I dont look like the type of person who would have trouble making friends. I am attractive (a lot of people other than my parents have told me this) and I dress nicely. I am also a very nice and reliable friend. Although I am nervous when I first meet people and I dont talk that much, I am fun to be around once people get to know me. I just want friends and I want to enjoy college! I am so sick of worrying about not having friends. I think about it all the time and I dont want to have to think about it anymore. I am taking some hard classes this year (organic chem. And genetics). I wish I could just concentrate on doing well in my courses and not have to worry about friends. I cannot stand seeing everyone around me having fun while I am stuck worrying and being miserable.
The only thought that is getting me through this year is the thought that next year I can transfer to a school a few miles away from my house and commute. I know that this option is pathetic but I cannot stand feeling lonely and sad anymore. At least if I commute, I will be able to go home to my parents everyday so maybe I wont feel as lonely. The problem is, I most likely wont make any friends as Junior transfer commuter. I dont know if I can take two years of not hanging out with anyone for besides my parents and my home friends during the summer. At my current school I have a greater chance of making more friends and I already do have some people to hang out with. I am also toying with the option of transferring to a school that one of my home friends goes to. Although it would be obvious that the only reason why I would transfer there would be because my friend goes there. I feel like that would be very embarrassing for me and would be even more pathetic than commuting to a school from home.
I just want to be happy. Please help. How can I make more friends? Is it too late for me?</p>
<p>I know how you feel, and to be honest…it sucks. You feel like nobody is really close enough to do anything with, but you have “friend”/ people that you know? There’s no easy way around it, but I can tell you that you just have to be social. You have to realize that pretty much nobody is going to turn down a conversation, especially if you’re actually a good person or are just looking to talk (and being a girl won’t hurt). Everybody wants to make new friends, and everybody wants to be talked to. You just have to have the confidence to put yourself out there, and to take your current friendships further. If you put yourself on the line, what’s the worst that could happen? You could either make some awesome friends, or you could get rejected- and screw that person if they do that. You have nothing to lose.</p>
<p>wow I can relate so much with your post. I’m in 3rd year though and I currently live with 3 friends that I met on my floor in first year. I was lucky enough to become really really close with a bunch of people on my floor and we all we’re good friends. But some of them ended up transferring and we drifted apart from some of them after 3 years. I don’t want to be stuck with this friend group only, but that’s the way it seems to go after 1st year for some reason. I just went through a break up with a guy I was dating for two years as well so I’m feeling even more lonely and I experience random depression just like you, it really sucks. Its so funny because in high school it was so easy to make friends, but in University/College you have to really work at it. I still want to expand my circle of friends here, but in second year I joined a dance club because I love dance and doing performances. I met a lot of girls there which was awesome and I felt like I was belonging somewhere. But a lot of them graduated last year, which sucks. So now I’m back where I started and I’m just totally lost to be honest lol. I’ve started talking to a few people in my classes, but it’s totally awkward striking up conversations in class because people are either trying to concentrate or they’re half-asleep lol. Anyways, you’re not alone because I can totally relate and the funny thing is that I have been considering transferring to a school closer to home and commuting too lol. I still might do that if I still don’t like it here in a few months, but give it time and be patient. Try to join a club, seriously I know you’re nervous (I have serious anxiety) but everyone in the club will feel just as awkward as you because chances are they don’t know anyone either, so it makes it a lot easier to make friends because no one is too judgemental</p>
<p>gkl1991,
It is good to know that I am not the only one who is feeling unsatisfied with my social life in college. You should feel lucky though that you have three close friends who you are living with. I don’t have any close friends here. I would be very happy if I had one close friend in college.</p>
<p>i can defiantly relate to this! i just started my freshman year and i am a commuter. i live about 15 minutes away from campus. but although i live so close to home most people would assume that a lot of my friends attend the same college as me. but they don’t. all of my friends went off to different colleges and they seem to be really loving it. but because i commute i haven’t really made any friends. i talk to people the same people in my classes everyday but they all already have their own group of friends and i feel like their not concerned with making new friends. and i also am really shy. but i am also someone who doesn’t look like i would be. i also had many friends in high school. i had 4 close best friends and then i was pretty much friends with anyone else. i would talk to anyone whenever. but i also agree with you about taking the relationships to the next level. i feel like they wouldn’t want to be friends. especially because i live at home it just makes everything a lot harder. there hasn’t been a weekend that goes by where i am happy. i have cried even weekend so far because i feel so alone. and i am also someone who like doesn’t cry… ever. i’m so used to being busy on the weekends and having lots of plans but i haven’t done anything fun since the end of summer. and i don’t know how much longer i’ll be able to take having no one and feeling so alone. i also tried to join a sorority but i was turned down by all but one. and the one that wanted me wasn’t the right house for me. so this left me feeling extremely bad about myself. especially because i am so used to having so many friends. idk i guess i just feel lost and trapped at the same time. and sorry i deff just rambled too but i can totally relate to this post! glad i’m not the only one feeling this way…</p>
<p>It’s not too late, won’t be until you leave college.</p>
<p>Thing is, you gotta stop caring so much, just go out and say hello and ask someone you know if they wana grab something to eat. If they say no, just say, “alright, maybe next time” and if they say yes, just go with it. </p>
<p>If you don’t try, i can already tell you that you’re gonna be stuck with no friends. At your stage of the game, people are rarely going to come up to you ask whether or not you want to hang out or not. It’s up to you and you can do it, but you gotta try! People are generally nice and will respond favourably, and those who are rude to you are people you don’t wana be friends with anyways.</p>
<p>I’m in the same situation and I’m pretty much just a waste of space at this point. I was in a dorm freshman year, the “antisocial” dorm on campus. it seemed like people wanted to hang out with their suitemates rather than meet other people like in a normal dorm, like I was told beforehand but didn’t really believe.</p>
<p>The only people I really met was one of my suitemates and his friends. I knew people from HS at my school (quite a few, like 20 people) but they were all in the other dorms and meeting their own friends and were only acquaintances to me really. I wanted to go with my roommates to meet people so I didn’t look like a creepy loner but they were rarely there and 99% of doors were closed anyway.</p>
<p>Now in my sophomore year everyone basically has their own groups of friends. It’s so depressing to be in almost every class being alone and silent other than the occasional sarcastic comment to the person next to me and maybe we talk for a few seconds. All I do is come back to my apartment when not in class. So depressed.</p>
<p>I was like this but I’m only in high school. But consider my advice with some value because I was just like you but ugly haha. No I’m not even close to attractive. But what you need to do is a) express a genuine interest in others. This means listening to everything they say when they tell you remembering it for a time then ask them about it later. They will be surprised you still remember. B) planning to ‘corner’ an individual and have a conversation starter ready (using step a maybe). After some routine you know when others will be where. So make sure they’re alone and talk to em! You must force yourself to do it and once you start talking you can’t stop because it would be weird. C) once you have talked to almost all individuals in a ‘click’ but 1/5 then you can start talking to the whole group. Just passing convos. You don’t want to come on too strong or you’ll seem desperate. D) slowly start to become more and more involved in the click. The trick is to be doing this with 2 clicks at one time so it seems to the other group like you already have friends. E) always be relaxed. See the funny side in everything. 90% of my jokes fall flat but I talk so much that I’m remembered for the jokes I land. Ok maybe not 90 more like 60. But point is be funny. I used to be the pent up nerd guy. Now I’m chill but still smart.
Ok I know I’m just in high school but most of these lessons still apply. In fact college should be easier because the people are more mature and less judgmental. Force yourself to talk to one new person a day. Be funny. Be chill. Good luck and tell me how it goes or if you need help!</p>
<p>Oh and forget your dorm and anti social roommate. Once you get a friend ask them for some help ask them if you can go to their dorm and start talking to his/her roommate. You know network. But you have to force yourself at first. Fight the flight response.</p>
<p>Total extrovert mom here whose daughter is VERY introverted. I suggested she look around in her classes to find new friends. When she transfered to a new high school some years back, I told her to look around for kids who look different and seek them out as friends; they most likely don’t feel as though they fit in either. I can tell you now that my daughter’s college friends are a very diverse group. She jokes that she and her friends could do the college brochure pictures.</p>
<p>As an extrovert who always wants people to be happy and feel welcome, I always look around for people who are standing or sitting alone, and I will strike up a conversation. This is usually at social gatherings, but you could join a couple clubs or a movie group. Seek out people outside your dorm doing things that you enjoy. Best wishes.</p>
<p>I know your post is from last year but I get it. I actually never even lived in a dorm though. I did the save money and go to community college route. I did get a scholarship to my university and several others, yay, hahaha. But I was “too old” to live in the dorms. Spring 2012 I was a Sophomore. I live off campus and when I first started I managed to meet one girl at transfer day. We ended up parting ways (her bf said extremely bad remarks about her and i told her including him rather being with his ex, she didn’t take it too well but i thought she should know [not my place but who wants to be in a relationship that’s a lie?])… I met another girl and she was 18 and very immature and I couldn’t get along with her. I ended up at the end of the semester with one friend.</p>
<p>This one friend? Has a ton of friends. Is always having something to do and going out etc. At one point invited me to hang with the friends they had and said “want to tag…err I mean come along”… I just feel like crap. I know it’s one semester but at least I managed to make 1 friend.</p>
<p>I do feel rather sh**tty because it’s really difficult. Yes I’m glad to have at least one friend but to see this person constantly going out and having fun with their group of friends, that’s hard. I’m not going to push myself onto this person’s friends. I hung around my friends, friends’ many times and it was just like I was an outsider who they didn’t need anymore people in their group.</p>
<p>I just see it as fine I just don’t fit in. I’m not going to make friends. I know that isn’t the best way to look at it but it’s the truth. I know I’m a nice, good, friend but people are really just set in their ways. Most people been here for 1-2 years and STARTED here that they already formed “cliques” or “friendship circles”. At my school there is a freshman camp before you come to help make friends. I’m a Junior already so going to that this summer would of been odd and with a bunch of (no offense) immature 18 year old’s. It’s ALL out of high school kids just starting out. The counselors are sophomores+. No thanks on that.</p>
<p>I feel like I gave up because there is no point. I even took summer courses and people always seem to take classes with groups of friends or even one friend and 90% of the class somehow already knows each other. I just feel like fine I won’t ever fit in and there is no point in trying. </p>
<p>I know if someone even attempts to read this novel, hahaha, that they will say I have to be proactive and outgoing and join clubs and this and that. Well hey because you are popular and have a ton of friends YOU JUST DON’T GET how hard it is to try to become friends with people who already established their group of friends.</p>
<p>Yes it does get very depressing and I feel like a loser and I sometimes don’t get what’s wrong with me. Sometimes I don’t even care. It’s just hard and I think it’s even harder to have a friend that you constantly see going out and this friend is constantly asked to go do things etc. </p>
<p>Then it’s summer and you are constantly at home when everyone is out having fun. Or like the time I went to the bar alone to wait on my friend because my friend was invited to do something and I got bored. So someone who knew my friend came up to ask if my friend was coming. I said yes and this person walked away. OH FAIL… when my friend got there we hung out with this person and all the other people… that was just utter I’m never going to a bar alone.</p>
<p>Just wait till you meet someone who wants to date you and you are just like “uhmm wow… I’m lame” because the person who wants to date you invites you along with their friends… then you don’t have any? ya… ouch.</p>
<p>I just don’t even want to try to be the weirdo who has been here for pretty much two semesters and doesn’t know much of anyone. That just makes me sound weird. Might as well concentrate on school.</p>
<p>Okay, well. I have Asperger’s Syndrome. It is incredibly difficult for me to converse with anyone without thinking for several months about what I’m going to say. It took me about five months before I could even man up the courage to say something to the girl I liked. I ended up saying “How are the seeds ‘shocked’?” when she gave her presentation about growing plants. Much more horrible conversation came after that, but we became sorta friends because I persistently tried to talk to her. Other things like that have occurred all through my life. </p>
<p>Anyway, the point is I always try to talk to a person first. I’ve learned to never assume people will want to talk to you first. In fact, I had been without any friends for an entire year at community college before I came up to one of my old classmates and started doing homework alongside them. As I kept seeing him in the library, I kept sitting next to him to ask questions and we would talk about other things after our homework was done. Eventually, more of our classmates joined in and then we also ended up becoming lab partners. Then, my social network got even bigger because I got to become friends with the people they knew and when they invited me to join clubs I met even more people. </p>
<p>The point is that it all started with that one friend. I didn’t have to try and make other friends, I just made one and they brought me into a world I never thought I’d find myself in. I wouldn’t say we’re close on the level that I’ve told him my darkest secrets, but we have hung out and been to each other’s places and went out to eat frequently. I wouldn’t say this guy would be the godfather to my child, but he will definitely be someone I’ll keep in touch with. He didn’t end up getting into the college I did but as an added benefit one of the friends I met through him that became one of my lab partners has become one of my very good friends and we’re both going to the same college. </p>
<p>We’re going to be on entirely different schedules. I’m a math major and he’s an engineering major, so I will have to make friends with new people. I went to orientation and clicked with a few others, but I don’t personally know them. I know that I’ll sit in class and get to know my classmates name’s religiously by following the role call so I can strike a conversation up with someone since I’ll know their name. You know, take baby steps. However, I’m not a girl and going out to bars and stuff is not really appealing to me. As a transfer student I’m coming to college to get stuff done and get into a good graduate or law school. So, I’m going to join clubs and force myself to be social. If you’re willing to joke around or have a ridiculous personality like I do, people will feel at ease and talk to you more often. The worst thing you can do is not say anything.</p>
<p>So, make friends in class. Sit next to people you see in class at the library if you see them alone and strike up a conversation if they’re not too busy. Honestly, all of my photo ID’s look like I am a convict in them and I’ve somehow shown new people I met them and they had a good laugh. You just gotta be more open. And maybe a little silly. </p>
<p>For the record, I only have one friend growing up K-12 and one year into college. They were an online friend too. However, I did get a girlfriend who has kept me afloat for these past few years. So, getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend is a nice way to get socialization in too. </p>
<p>I’ve always felt like an outsider. I’ve been to therapists. I live in the middle of nowhere far away from all of my friends and don’t get to hangout with any of them. And I’ll be commuting to school too. Is that going to stop me from making friends? No, not really. But who said the people in college have to be your friends for life? College doesn’t have to be what it is like in the movies. Honestly, I think in most respects it’s false advertising that it literally has to be the best time of your life. To me that’ll be seeing what the benefit of coming out of college will be once I cultivate all of my talent and get my degree. </p>
<p>So, I’m coming into college with no friends really as a transfer student and I’m going to really put myself out there to form connections. I think one must be bold. Ever heard of “Fortune favors the bold”? Maybe the fact that I’ll be rolling around on some Heelys will be a conversation starter. Or the fact that I’m a math major. Or that I’m minorly autistic. Or that I want to be a lawyer. Or that I like video games. Find someone with similar interests and you should be able to get along. I’m not going to say I’m going to be best friends with someone in my major because from the get-go I am not looking to make any sort of friends in my department. They are my competition for jobs and schools. However, I could still hangout with the engineers and have a fun time building a racecar together or something of the sort. Or go to school games with a club and cheer on our basketball team, even though I hate sports. Try to diversify yourself. That’s kind of what I’m learning about life. </p>
<p>Good things come when you can break barriers you never thought you could. Honestly, if you asked me if I had any friends a year ago, I probably wouldn’t have said a word being so socially awkward. </p>
<p>Join a sorority if you’re a girl. My girlfriend is in one and has met many people. I remember seeing her Facebook friends go from 20 to 300 in the first month or so. Network network network. I’m not personally going to join a sorority, but I’ll probably join a bunch of clubs like math, physics, engineering, gamers, etc. to meet people of all kinds, dumb or smart, funny or dull, annoying or awesome.</p>
<p>You sound just like me. And I’m going into my third year.
It may seem awkward to ask people to do things/hang out… but sometimes you just have to do it. If you share similar interests and know something’s coming up on campus that you’d both enjoy… ask them to it. For example, I like movies. We have a movie every weekend on campus so occasionally I’d say to someone I don’t know all that well yet, but I know they’re a movie fanatic too…, “Hey, I was thinking about seeing the movie this weekend. Wanna come?”… etc.
It’s also best to meeting people with similar interests by joining clubs.</p>
<p>I’ve never lived in dorms, always driven to class, and I’m usually very quiet/introverted.</p>
<p>I’ve never met anyone at university by just walking up to them during lunch or something and going “Hi, you look human. What are you into?”. I think you’re over-approaching this by talking about “taking it to the next level” and stuff. If you come in looking for that from the start then you’ll be too nervous to act like yourself.</p>
<p>Every time I’ve met anyone it was discussing something before or after class. Some specific ones that stand out to me:</p>
<p>Becoming close friends with a girl who sat behind me in political science class because I was always having kind of comedic arguments with the professor, who simultaneously considered me one of his best students but hated 100% of my political opinions. Like I said, I’m a very quiet and introverted person but when you actually have something to say you kind of forget about it. One day after class she just sat next to me and told me how dumb my opinions were (in a nice way) and we’re still friends to this day haha, except now I’ve successfully brainwashed her.</p>
<p>I made 2 other friends before a mid term because they were cramming for the test on a picnic table in front of the classroom and I asked if I could join, because quite frankly I needed to, but I could have pretended as well. We ended up exchanging emails to study for the final together and I still talk to them regularly. Again, way less awkward than just walking around “looking for friends”. </p>
<p>People are busy in college so you do need some sort of excuse for them to just go do something with you out of the blue, but that’s not that big of a deal right?</p>
<p>I can relate. I’ve been pretty much alone for the 4 years i was in college (I’m INFJ) By the time of my graduation all my close friends has either changed majors or moved and being the only Asian in most of my classes didn’t help either. </p>
<p>My advice to you is, try to occupy yourself with a hobby, i mainly focused on Gym/jogged/running you’ll be surprsed how good it makes you feel. I also put the rest of my attention more on my acadamics. That is what college is to GET A GOOD EDUCATION. </p>
<p>And do not worry, you have your family you can lean on when you are lonely, or feeling down. This is a life experiment, a way to help you be INDEPENDENT in your future. </p>
<p>Best of luck to you.</p>
I can definitely relate. I am also currently a sophomore and although I do have a few friends, I like knowing that I have other people I can talk to in class or around campus but it has been extremely difficult. Just know that it will take some time and eventually, you will make plenty of friends. Also, make sure you join clubs or a sports team and that way, you can meet plenty of people with common interests.