having a pretty unfulfilled college experience (some what miserable)

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I think everyone here more or less had a vision of how they wanted or envisioned their college experience to be like. Like many others, I thought I would be making a ton of friends, meeting and hooking up with a bunch of girls, and having the time of my life. I'm in my third year, and this has hardly been the case.</p>

<p>It's hard putting down these raw emotions into words, but I'll try and hopefully someone can relate. I have like ten people who I consider my friends (including my gym partner and roommates) and not just people I know/am acquainted with. The thing is that I know and am familiar with a lot of people, but in reality and in the end, I don't really know anyone. All of my friends don't know each other, so it's not like we all hang out together as a group. Some are introverted or aren't down to do fun things, and some just have other friend groups that I am totally not compatible with.</p>

<p>I was pretty much the same in high school (although I'm more sociable now, more muscular, confident, and dress better among other changes that go along with getting older). I knew a bunch of people from sports and classes, but didn't really know anyone -- had only a couple of friends. I was never invited to parties and never hung out on the weekends. I never went to prom or homecoming. Outside of meeting up for group school assignments, I think I only hung out with friends maybe 15 times out of my four years of high school. I haven't really kept in contact with anyone from high school, so I'm alone right now for winter break as well as any other time I'm not at college. I was never really that close with anyone, so it's not like it's been devastating for me or anything. I was pretty na</p>

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<p>I know that feel bro. Such is the pain of an introvert in college.</p>

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<p>I am a parent. </p>

<p>You have 10 friends, you are funny, well groomed, good shape and is doing well in school. You have a lot of attributes many people would like to have. You think people are doing better than you are, but in reality almost everyone feels insecure at one time at another, even the most “popular” people. Everyone wants to be well liked and accepted by their peers. What strikes me is that you think whenever people reach out to you it is because they want something from you. There are girls giving their numbers to you hoping to have a relationship with you, but you are only interested in sorority girls. What about just asking some of those girls out? Girls tend to be more social, if you are in a relationship, more often than not you’ll be invited to more parties and dinners.</p>

<p>You say you cut people off if they want help from you when it comes to school work. Why? In every relationship, there is give and take. Maybe the initial contact is because they want something from you, but if you are funny and considerate they’ll like you after few interactions. My older daughter was a very social (or popular) person when she was in college. As a math major, she was smart enough to always get together with some top students to study for finals. Yes, maybe initially she called them because she was trying to leverage off their brain power, but she did end up become friends with few people. She was in the Greek life and she invited people from her study group to some close parties and even helped someone to prep for job interviews. Maybe some of those kids were “using” her, but maybe it was all part of “networking.”</p>

<p>This time when you go back to school, why don’t you take some initiatives in asking people out to dinner, work out together, or to your dorm/apartment for pizza and beer to watch games with you. Maybe reach out to younger students because they often like to hang out with older kids, and that is the case for girls especially. I have two girls, even though they are very pretty and outwardly seem very well adjusted, I’ve had to listen to a lot of their social issues. They can be just as insecure as anyone. </p>

<p>My younger daughter is home from first semester of college. We moved here from overseas 6 months ago. She has no friends in our new town. She also moved to a new high school junior year after going to the same school since K. She is more of an introvert, but I see her making a great effort in reaching out to people. When she was younger it was more difficult for her because she took every rejection personally, but now she just views some of them as jerks/not worth her time and just move on. </p>

<p>Good luck next semester.</p>

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<p>Oh my god your college life isn’t like what you’ve seen in TVs and movies!?!</p>

<p>Bummer bro</p>

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<p>Boy, I would not worry at all about this. It wasn’t so different from my college experience (I am female and a bit of an introvert). I can tell you that a lot of those people partying their way through college (1) don’t remember a lot of those parties later on, (2) do not actually have more MEANINGFUL relationships with other people, (3) are tossing their cookies an hour after the “fun” photos were taken, and (4) mostly have crappy grades.</p>

<p>It does sound like you have a shot at finding a girlfriend – if girls are approaching you, that is a good sign. :slight_smile: But maybe you need someone a bit more like you – quieter and someone who doesn’t really enjoy a party. That would (1) give you someone to hang out with more, and (2) help you meet a new circle of friends.</p>

<p>Regarding tailgating – that is something (at least at my college) that only local students with families who were alumni did. So… my parents went to my college, and had a tradition of coming to the games and tailgating. I would meet them and have lunch before the game sometimes. Free food. :slight_smile: But with my parents, so it wasn’t really a big party. Although the deviled eggs were worth coming for. Occasionally I would take a friend. But not too often, as it was mostly my parents and their friends. This sounds silly, but… unless you have a car AND want to pay to move it/park it near the stadium, then tailgating is not something many students do. Just saying, don’t stress about not doing this, the logistics mean that MANY students never tailgate in their college years.</p>

<p>I guess my last comment is that given what you wished you were spending more time doing, maybe you should have rushed a frat. I assume it is too late now since you are a junior, but looking back, maybe that is what you should have done.</p>

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<p>You could make this happen. Why not invite some of the friends that you think have some things in common to do something together–movie, hang out, anything.</p>

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It’s not too late to make contact with old high school friends. Think about your one or two best hs friends. I’ll bet they would be happy to hear from you through facebook or even a phone call when you’re at home for the holidays. </p>

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<p>Most people who have plans for the weekend have taken active steps to make it happen.</p>

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You’re only 21. It’s certainly not too late. Throw out the idea to a few of your ten friends that might be receptive and see if you can plan a trip of some kind together.</p>

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You are mistaken if you think people don’t make new friends their whole life. Get over worrying about them thinking you’re needy. Everyone needs friends, and most people are flattered, not offended, if you try to include them in something.</p>

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Why not? What could you do to change this?</p>

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Congratulations for your honest self-evaluation.</p>

<p>Superficially, it doesn’t sound like you have any problems because all looks good from the outside. But you know you aren’t making meaningful connections, and now that you realize that, why not make an effort to change it? It does take effort, though.</p>

<p>My Dd is an introvert who loves the company of others, too. Her HS friends consisted mostly of her sports team, where she didn’t have to extend herself or take any risks to make friends. In college she had her room mates, and a residential college that lends itself to making friends, but even then, she spent a lot more time studying than partying (appropriate, imo), and kind of let things happen. Over the years, she learned that she has to make the effort to make her social life what she wants it to be. At 27, she’s pretty good at this, but I it took coming out of her comfort zone and risking a bit of rejection along the way. Last year she hosted a 4th of July party and invited people she knew from different parts of her life (work, high school, college, neighbors), and even though everyone didn’t know one another, they all knew someone and had a good time. The year before she hosted a Halloween party with similar success. She never had the confidence to pull this off in high school (except with my help) or even in college. At this point, mostly due to her efforts, she has several groups of friends, is rarely alone on weekends, and often stresses over how to fit everyone in- but it took years to get there.</p>

<p>You’re in college primarily to get an education, and you seem to be doing quite well, for which you deserve credit. You are still very young, and believe it or not, have a lot of growth ahead of you. Some people go to college with fabulous social skills but need to learn to focus on school. Others, like you, find the school part fairly easy and find they need to work on their social skills if they want to be fulfilled. The good news is that it’s very likely that, with a little effort on your part, you’ll make some progress, and with that progress you’ll gain confidence. It will start to snowball in the right direction. You need to get over some of your fears of rejection. It’s hard, but worth it.</p>

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<p>When I opened this thread I thought I was going to read about a student who didn’t leave his or her room, not even to eat; I thought I was going to read about some kid who had a 1.5 gpa his or her first semester of college because he or she partied too much and now they have to go home with 60k worth of debt; I thought I was going to read about a student who was getting bullied. I didn’t expect this though, to be quite honest, you sound perfectly fine/regular.</p>

<p>Don’t believe the hype that people fabricate. Sure, you may think that guy who is always drunk around campus life is so great, but he may be that same guy on academic probation. I have a friend who is very social and usually the life of the party, but doesn’t know how he is going to pay for college next semester because instead of attending a workshop to get his financial aid cleared for the next semester, he went out with a group of friends to a hookah lounge.</p>

<p>And do you know how many people have the same insecurities as you? Just because people arent walking around with their self-assesment profiles on their forehead doesn’t mean they aren’t self-conscious. We all are insecure, no matter how we try to cover it up. To be honest I retracted a lot of information comparing myself to you because of fears that someone would find out who I was ( if that’s not insecure then idk what is lol )</p>

<p>As I said before, you sound like a regular college student. It’s just that your perception was a bit skewed and it seems as if you’re comparing your life to the superficial one’s of everyone else. Whenever I go down my own insecurities trail (because we all do) I ask myself “While you’re comparing your life to everyone else’s, do you know how many people want to be you?” Like I mentioned earlier, don’t let the hype fool you.</p>

<p>PS - I applaud you for the self assessment, to assess yourself in spurts is one thing, but to assess yourself as a whole and to type it and then share it with everyone is another.</p>

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<p>What you need to overcome is your own thoughts about your experiences because they are actually creating your experiences. (over and over) It’s kind of like you are watching the same movie in your head and trying to change the ending, but it keeps ending the same way. You need to change your thinking to a “glass is full” (not even half full) attitude which takes practice and time to start a new pattern of thinking. “What you focus on becomes larger” is a universal principle. You need to focus specifically on what you would like to grow larger, if you would like to change your perspective on your experiences. You create your own reality based on your thoughts. Read any book by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale and you can reframe your experiences and assets. (which in my opinion are pretty awesome, even the insecurity you describe, which everyone goes through) You need to have a better picture of yourself and frame all your positives clearly every single day. You could work with a life coach who could help see yourself and all of the wonderful qualities you have more clearly. It’s up to you. Change your mind, change your life… (which is another awesome book title, btw) Thistoo…SHALL PASS!</p>

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<p>OP have you considered becoming part of a fraternity or getting involved in student government? Since you like basketball and football, maybe you would be a good fit for managing/assisting either one of those teams at your school if they have positions open. Also, if your financial situation and academic schedule allow it, consider studying abroad. Even if you just participate in a service learning break, t would be a nice way to get a breath of fresh air (so to speak) and step outside of your comfort zone. </p>

<p>It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you. It does sound like your personal expectations don’t always match up to what you want from other people, though. The good news is this is something you can fix. Don’t assume that people always want something from you. Life is about finding a balance between giving and receiving, which leads to lasting connections. For example, if a girl is bold enough to give you her number she might also ask if you two can study together. That doesn’t mean she’s trying to use you. Even if you find out that a person isn’t genuine, try to give relationships time to grow before you cut them off. </p>

<p>The good news is you’re turning 21, which means you can legally go to a bar if you want to experience that environment in an atmosphere outside of college parties. On a similar note, you’re approaching the age where you should be qualified for research positions and internships. These are good places to make connections and grow as a person. You sound intelligent, but you also sound confined. Don’t like things like expectations and social standards (such as age) limit you. College is a once in a lifetime experience, and you still have time left to enjoy it.</p>

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<p>Op,</p>

<p>You’ve done a lot to make a good beginning, but you need to take the next step.</p>

<p>In other words, take a few steps to make your own social life. Initiate some social activities. For example, ask one of the guys you lift with or shoot hoops with to go to a sports bar with you to catch a game/ watch UFC/ whatever.</p>

<p>When a girl gives you her number to “study” remember there are also other people to whom she could have given her number–and that she gave it to you. Follow up…make a study date , and pizza or coffee after.</p>

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<p>I’m already pretty good friends with my lifting partner and regularly eat together and watch sports together and ride home together for breaks (he’s one of ten friends). And I do have two roommates (pretty good friends with one of them). The one I am good friends with, we regularly grab lunch or dinner together and always sports and movies and TV shows together. He has cousins that attend the same university and we sometimes get together as well. </p>

<p>I’ve tried to arrange to hang out with different groups of my friends but it has mostly been disasters. This one time we went to the movies with the three of us and on the way home, my friend spent the entire drive home (20 minutes) talking about the movie and discussing which part happen in which part of the movie sequence (resident evil series). My friend and I just sat in silence without a word. This other time, we all grab dinner together and nobody felt like talking really while I tried to awkwardly play mediator/three wheel type position. Both of my friends seemed like they were holding back and were not themselves. I’ll keep trying to mix and match. </p>

<p>I don’t really like studying with anyone because I just study better alone, there’s nothing more to it, but I guess I could do a better job of just going along with it and seeing if it could spark something. </p>

<p>It’s too late for me to join a fraternity. I’m already half way done with junior year and I can’t afford to mess up my grades rushing an entire semester.</p>

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<p>Okay, maybe this is not your deal, but my kids love to play cards and board games. Not sure if you are living on campus, but getting a game together with friends (or neighbors) is an idea. Gives you something to do if not everyone is “chatty”. </p>

<p>Also, are there any service frats or anything like that at your college that don’t have a house? I know my D’s college had one of those, and it was pretty easy to join (didn’t have the whole rush process that the frats with houses had). So they did stuff together, but didn’t live together. Just another way to meet more people.</p>

<p>As an introvert, I will say that sometimes I think I need to meet more people than the “average person” to make a friend. Over my lifetime I have collected a pretty good group – I figure if I make 2-3 new friends a year for my whole life, I will have at least 150 by the time I die. :slight_smile: But I don’t click with everyone, and it takes a while sometimes in a new group to feel comfortable and find people I like to spend time with. Just saying, don’t worry if this is the case for you. But hang on to the friends you do make (stay connected with them).</p>

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<p>It sounds like you could be depressed from some of the things you mentioned(becoming more distant to other, feeling empty). Speaking to a school psychologist might be a good idea. Even if what you feel is ordinary, they will likely have some good advice.</p>

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<p>Op </p>

<p>I think you are being too hard on . You seem to have a lot going , the only problem I see us that you’re being too passive. Instead of waiting to get invited to the movies you could try to organize a trip to the movies or maybe a basketball game with people you know.</p>

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<p>You sound a lot like me, except I’m a girl. You sound like a guy I would want to date, except for the sorority thing. Why are you so interested in sorority girls anyways? Give other people a chance.</p>

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<p>Lol… matchmaking on College Confidential! Maybe you guys should PM each other. :slight_smile: Although the OP probably doesn’t have enough posts… darn.</p>

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<p>OP I can empathize a lot with your situation but I would just like to note that the nice-guy victim complex is dangerous. There are probably a few reasons that you aren’t making headway (hahaha) with the opposite sex but it isn’t because you are too nice. It seems like you aren’t taking the initiative in a relationship or reaching back to other people. I’m sure you are looking for a girl that is pretty, smart, and has a good personality. Guess what? They are looking for a guy like that as well, or at least the ones you’ll like are. Be that guy. I don’t know what you look like but you sound fit and smart, so maybe it’s the mental side that needs attention.</p>

<p>If you feel like you are being “friend zoned” try not to be a pushover. If you like a girl then try to make it apparent from near the beginning. If a girl is happily in a relationship then of course she will want to stay friends.</p>

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<p>Everything you claim about your college experience is pretty ideal. I don’t know if its just a generational thing, but it seems like so many college kids expect their experience to be one giant “Project X” movie or something, so they bum themselves out when their expectations aren’t fulfilled. </p>

<p>You have at least 10 friends, you’ve made out with more than 2 girls in a single semester, you play sports and are in great shape, you’ve been to parties, and you’re getting good grades.</p>

<p>I fail to see the problem.</p>

<p>All I can say is, if you feel like this is not enough for you, take the initiative to start get-togethers yourself.</p>

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<p>haha, that’s funny you say that Starstuck. What part of my post makes you want to date me? I’d really like to know actually :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I don’t only like sorority girls. I was just using that as an example since they typically are attractive, have tons of friends, are popular, and are always going out and have things to do. I don’t actually care about looks that much, just a cute and loyal and nice girl (hate mean spirited girls). </p>

<p>I feel like college could have turned out a lot different if I became a freshman again. In some ways, my freshman year was like an audition really. It was an extension of high school. I was still learning to be more outgoing and sociable. I just was breaking out of my shell. I’m obviously more confident and have put forth more effort into my appearance now. Now, everyone already has their circle of friends, and it’s just so hard to make meaningful relationships. </p>

<p>I’m just so grateful for the replies I’m getting and all of the PM’s I’m receiving. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s going through this and a lot of people feel this way. It’s some consolation that I’m not alone.</p>

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<p>Ricky93, I know it looks pretty good on paper when you type it out like that, but I just feel so empty really. Despite having done all of those things, I still lack a core group of friends and I am still alone on most weekends. You are right in that I am some sort “reaching” for that college experience you see in movies, but I really am yearning for some sort of meaningful relationships. I guess I do have it better than most people. </p>

<p>The thing is that I’m not moping around feeling sorry for myself acting like a total downer wanting attention. I’m obviously hurting, but I’m not really depressed either. My dad is getting older and I’m slowly becoming the man of the house. I go to school everyday and never miss class. I go home and do my homework for the next day and study. And then I hit the gym and lift heavy and kill it there… I go through the week like everything is okay and just do my daily rountine. I smile and play basketball (and I practically know at least 6+ of the guys there) and ask them how their day is going and we have a good time playing basketball and joking around. I don’t go around every day looking depressed and asking people to feel sorry for me. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve and don’t like to project my feelings onto others because I don’t think it’s fair to them.</p>