So I will be going into my 2nd year of university and I stupidly signed up to get a dorm again…
My first roommate was an absolute nightmare experience. She was a complete bully from day 4 onward, made physical threats, and constantly yell and scream at me. She also would post smears about me online and take pictures of my stuff because she thought it was “ugly”. Eventually, I reported the threatening behavior to the police. My dorm building director soon made efforts to get me out of that room. That girl continued to try to harass me even months after leaving that dorm by screaming at me in public.
My 2nd roommate didn’t make threats to me or harass me, but she was overall just very inconsiderate of living with another person. She would stay up until 4-5am playing video games and talking to people on them. Gentle requests to stop talking would be ignored, mean requests ignored, and neutral requests ignored. I would go to class a lot of times feeling like a tornado hit me while this girl slept all day. She started off very clean, but eventually, there would be mountains of clothes on the ground that were 3 feet tall and a dozen to-go boxes scattered all around the room. She’d leave food sitting out in various parts of the room to the point where the room developed a very bad odor. Requests to pick up would have to be repeated half a dozen times before anything happened. This girl also got hair dye all over the bathroom, never cleaned the bathroom, and would be constantly talking 24/7. She never left the room, even to go eat or to go to class. I wanted to tear my hair out from the lack of privacy .
When I booked the room in November, I was optimistic that I could do this all again. After seeing what happened from November-April, I have a lot of anxiety about going into another roommate situation. I just do not believe I could do this again. The thought of having a roommate who lives so close sends me into panic… I didn’t look for an apartment because when lease signing took place, I was in the middle of nightmare 1 with the first roommate. I have to live on campus this year because I signed a legally binding housing contract.
I got blindly matched to another girl and I really have a horrible feeling about this. The girl doesn’t want to talk to me, which adds to my panic, and won’t coordinate with me about let’s say… who’s TV are we bringing? She just tells me that she has stuff and will stop talking. She will dismiss me when I try to start a conversation.
Right now, I am signed up to have a dorm in the meal plan optional building. If I can get a single, I will have to move into a mandatory meal plan building which will be an extra 3800 a semester. My mom told me that this much panic and stress isn’t worth being frugal. Apparently, there aren’t any single dorms at this very moment, but I am told something will probably open. Sadly though, I may have to live with this girl for the first 2 weeks which makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know I am somebody who wouldn’t get lonely in a single.
If I were your mom I would be calling the housing director in trying to get you into a single now. If it is not available I would ask the housing director if you could get out of your contract. I kids have subleased from students who were studying abroad or taking a semester off. They were able to get a discount in rent by subleasing.
I “insisted” on my kids having a single freshman year because I didn’t want them to deal with roommate issues. Both of them ended up being very happy and didn’t prevent them from making friends.
I had a roommate from hell back in my day. Thankfully our RA arranged a switch. If I could change anything about my college years, it would have been to get a single as soon as I could.
Take a deep breath. Ask your mom to put you on the list for a single first thing tomorrow. Then your roommate arrangement will likely be just temporary.
If you are being treated by a professional for anxiety I would contact the Office of Disability Services at your college and ask what kind of documentation you would need in order to have them support your request for a single room as soon as one becomes available.
Well, my mom told me that this is my schooling and that I need to figure it out. She said to get back to her when I “make my decision”, but her general advice was to be frugal in life, but you’re living situation is a delicate thing you shouldn’t try to cut corners and be too cheap with. She then said the stress and anxiety this is causing isn’t gonna be worth saving a few thousand dollars to you when you’re 24/25 and working. I am probably gonna pay back a big chunk of school, although she said I wouldn’t be 100% alone on loan repayment, but I think she is right that the added peace of mind is worth it.
I have called housing 3 times this month to inquire about a single. They’re trying to tell me every single on camps is booked and that housing does not keep wait lists for that type of thing.
Campus mental health services are a nightmare. I’ve never heard of so many people getting misdiagnosed in one building at my school.
I would get your doctor to write you a letter demanding a single because of medical reasons. Usually, this gets schools to listen because it becomes a legal issue if a doctor writes a letter about it. If I’m not mistaken, the school cannot demand what the specifics of the reasoning because of HIPAA. Just work with your doctor to figure it out. Good luck op!
I’m going to dissent here. You may be worrying about nothing. I had a crummy freshman year roommate but sophomore year was fantastic. Didn’t know her either as the girl I was supposed to room with didn’t come back to school at the last minute.
I also wouldn’t judge the new roommate because she doesn’t care about getting the room set up. She may be working this summer and doesn’t have the bandwidth to worry about it yet.
I would try to be as positive about this as possible.
And FWIW, your mom is right that this is for you to work our. Housing at my D’s school won’t talk to parents. You are an adult.
I agree a single would probably be best for you at this point. There is some great advice here how to make that happen.
Your post does make me wonder if you can stand up for yourself at all? We teach people how to treat us. Unfortunately not everyone treats others the way they should all on their own. This might be an area to work on because undoubtably there are other areas in your life where you need to be assertive. For example my son had a roommate who left his dirty laundry in the middle of the room and it got so bad that the room started to smell. One day my son picked up the laundry, threw it in the hall and shouted at the guy, “do your laundry.” He did.
I also wonder if you’ve made any connections in college so that you would have someone to room with. Maybe you have, it just didn’t work out in terms of housing. If not, finding your people at school might be a focus this year.
I am very sorry for horrible roommate issues you’ve had and I hope this year is better. Maybe you can tackle this problem from a few angels for an overall improvement.
I don’t really care about working this issue out myself, but she’s doing some of this on a PLUS loan so she has the right to be informed. Her general advice was nice though. She never lived in a dorm, but she told me if 19 year old her went into a dorm situation, she would of blown her top on somebody within a week. I am really busy at school with lab research, political clubs, and classes. A single would be a huge blessing for me so I can unwind at night and get away from people. The doctor’s note is a good one too.
After the first two situations, I don’t think I have a lot of faith that things will just work out and people will be nice. I think I would need to really know somebody long term before I could go into a dorm with them now. My trust has been pretty shattered by those first two.
I didn’t really even bother with the first girl because she seemed like a total nutcase to begin with. The fact that she felt the need to scream and yell literally at nothing was just really weird. People on the floor thought she was mentally ill. She refused to talk about issues face to face and would send me nasty text messages everyday about an issue she had. SMS is literally a terrible way to reach me during the school year and I told her this early on. I would go 2 days not even noticing the messages. One day I sent her a text saying if you’re gonna keep communicating all your issues to me like this, then this isn’t gonna work. She swore she’d stop texting, she never did. I just stopped answering.
I did freak out with the other girl once. When I found dark colored hair dye all over our white bathroom. Like how is this gonna come out before the school year ends??? She told me not to worry about it and get the bleach. That did not work. I never got it all out. It’s a miracle we weren’t charged for that. I didn’t know how to handle the talking all day/night. Daytime I would just leave, fine whatever, but night she wouldn’t stop talking. I honestly thought about chucking her headphones out the window when she used the bathroom, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to risk being a psycho myself. I would ask her nearly every single night to stop talking, but she never did. She would just pretend I never said it. Sometimes she’d lower her voice, but I need absolute silence to sleep. I could even put up with the blue light, but I could never get used to talking or whispering.
I have two male friends who I would trust to live in an apartment with me, but they
both wanted to stay on campus this year so I felt kind of stuck. Living on campus with them is not an option. I don’t think it was a lie, one stated convenience as his reason and I didn’t really know the other one as well during lease time. Next time I know that I need to keep the train moving even without them because students literally camp out at the 3 leasing offices that service the area around the school to stay at the better apartments. I’ve done some digging and there are cheap 1 bedrooms/studios around the campus. Why not a female friend? I don’t think I have had a female friend in my life. My extended family might give me some bug eyed stares, but my mom said she was the same way.
Did you talk to the RA when these issues were occurring? Given the involvement with the police with the first one, I guess the school is aware if the problems. Yes, getting a letter from your Dr. documenting your anxiety/trauma after the past roommate experiences and the benefit of a single room for you to ameliorate the trauma is highly recommended (ASAP) but no, don’t “demand” a single. Request one.
RA’s at my school do not have any power, all they can do is use their words to try to get somebody to change. They can’t write people up, do room changes, or discipline anyone really… If somebody was drinking or smoking in their room, the RA can’t even do anything but report it to the police. My upperclassmen buddies told me to not even bother with the RA’s when I had problems and to go right to the building director. That’s what I did when I had issues with the first girl, unfortunately he wasn’t allowed to move me until about week 3, but he was very wonderful about doing it and said people have issues all the time. The RA knew I was having issues and offered to host a mediated meeting, but it was so close to the time I was gonna move out.
When he did move me, the RA on my floor literally was never there. She did not greet me until another RA forced her, she was gone for weeks at a time, and did not enforce any rules on the floor. When she tried to enforce rules, nobody would listen to her because nobody saw her as an authority figure. You could hear music blaring at 2am on her quiet floor. I didn’t feel like I had an RA due to how much she wasn’t around. I didn’t want to go to the community director again because I was scared I would come across as being a burden the second run around.
While I think you need to be in your own room, I also sense a failure to acknowledge any shortcomings on your part. You’ve had a bad experience, but is it possible that some of the stuff after your first semester has made you overly sensitive? Try to think back on things you have done that might have been perceived of as being uptight or whatever. How are you wording your requests with the new roommate? Maybe she’s really laid back, or maybe you’re coming across as being pushy.
From what I’ve read here, my impression of you is that you are perhaps a little highly-strung and maybe too sensitive. Try to tone it down a little and be more “chill.” I do think your best bet is getting a doctor to recommend you be in a single for your mental health.