Helicopter Moms- (take V) ABC News 20/20

Parents Forum
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<p>LOL jmmom!
I've got the link to the Urban moundbuilders thread from the old forum, but I am having trouble gtting the link to work. It was by far the best thread I've read!! Can anyond help?? It was started by Thedad, Aug 18, 2003 in the parents forum, called "Parent Essay: Urban Moundbuilders". Its in the 2003 archives. Help, please.</p>

<p>Marite- glad I could clarify girfriend's status. I am still trying to get past that <em>dreadful</em> choice of colleges, though. And #1 s. is following in DH's footsteps-- dating an older woman. So, all in all, the good outweighs the bad..</p>

<p>I don't recall the platers thread-- I have to go on a search, fo if it is anything like the moundbuilders, it is a classic.</p>

<p>As for the current helicopter moms in the 20/20 segment, the one with the kid in college in S. Florida is probably driving a 38' RV down to pick him and all his stuff up, to clear the path of hurricane Wilma, as I type. Maybe she'll take his professors along for the ride so her darling s. won't miss any classes.</p>

<p><strong><em>EDIT</em></strong> Oh, I forgot, Marite, the Platers were the small tribe described by Carolyn in the "moundbuilders" thread. For you new folks, this was a very funny "essay" written by Thedad about the kids who make huge mounds of unidentifiable stuff in their rooms. It is a wonderful thread to read!! Here we are, a few years later, describing the status of the moundbuilders who've moved their mounds to higher ground.</p>

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<p>nunofyurbees,</p>

<p>LOLOL! Congratulations!</p>

<p>Watch out, she might want to borrow your Dyson!</p>

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<p>Found it: There's lots more on the thread but I don't know how to link it. Search for urban moundbuilders on the archives and it will come up.</p>

<p>Thedad (Thedad) on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 12:11 pm:</p>

<p>You know, what with D writing all these essays, I'm tempted to write one, too, just to keep up with the Joneses. Something like:</p>

<p>URBAN MOUNDBUILDERS</p>

<p>One of the most mysterious civilizations is known as the Moundbuilders. The mounds in questions are structures of diverse materials, often clothing and other cloth materials--pajamas, towels, tops, shoes, jackets, khakis--but occasionally other materials such as books, notebooks, diaries, journals, calculators, loose papers, etc. These mounds arise seemingly overnight in bathrooms, bedrooms, and dining rooms across the North American continent.</p>

<p>While no one has ever caught a mound in the process of being constructed--they appear in startlingly brief periods of time--analysis of the building materials give some indication of the Moundbuilder culture. For instance, the varied types and degree of clothing indicate that Moundbuilders must often be found in close connection with "the mall" and other urban shopping venues.</p>

<p>Light on the Moundbuilder social order can be shed from analyzing writing on paper scraps associated with Moundbuilder debris which suggests that Moundbuilder society is organized around the Internet and cellphone. Linguistically, Moundbuilders are speculated to communicate with a degenerate form of Indo-European; enigmatic glyphs such as "OMG, POS! BRB!" may be excavated from time to time.</p>

<p>Analysis of debris shows that Moundbuilders enjoy a varied diet, running heavily to snack food such as ice cream or "chips" but with some specimens inclining to health food and exotic items such as Zen-zou drinks, moche balls.</p>

<p>But much about the people of this enigmatic culture remains a mystery. Where did they come from? Where are they going? Do they know where they are going? How come they clean up after themselves when transported to other locales? These and other questions will keep us busy for years.</p>

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<p>From the same thread: Platers (My memory was jogged by references to gross kitchens)</p>

<p>Carolyn:
I'm surprised no one has mentioned the Platers yet. They are a small-but-growing tribe that have a cultural aborhence to washing dishware. Some speculate that this behavior is caused by a desire to build monuments to past meals by preserving used plates, glasses and silverware on kitchen counters, family room side tables, and in their sleeping areas. Some Platers actually appear to move these monuments from place to place (i.e., from the bedroom to the bathroom) without ever approaching the dreaded kitchen sink. When questioned, all Platers express a firm belief that their dishware will eventually be picked up and cleansed by mystical beings.</p>

<p>By Morgantruce (Morgantruce) on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 08:57 am: Edit</p>

<p>Oh, I met some of those Platers when I was in college. They were room mates in my first off campus apartment. When the kitchen counter could no longer hold any more of their iconic tablewear, they took to storing the objects of their desire in the bathtub! When I wanted to take a shower, they suggested that I just slide the dirty plates down to the other end of the tub. I moved out that afternoon instead.</p>

<p>It has taken me all these years to understand that these people were Platers... now it all makes perfect sense.</p>

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<p><a href="http://www.collegeconfidential.com/discus/messages/70/25523.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.collegeconfidential.com/discus/messages/70/25523.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>This should get you to the Urban Moundbuilers essay by TheDad ... and all that it hath wrought</p>

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<p>I caught the tail end only of the show, but saw enough to know the moms I saw on there don't appear to have a life of her own. I cannot imagine playing secretary or maid to my child. And calling her three or four times each morning to get her lazy butt out of bed?! I don't think so! If children haven't gained enough independence and responsibility to clean their rooms, do their laundry, and set a clock before going off to college, maybe they shouldn't be there.</p>

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<p>I'm with you, splashmom -- college kids should be doing their laundry, setting their own alarm clocks, balancing (or trying at least to balance)their checkbooks, proofread their own papers, organize themselves. They should clean their own rooms but my two college age boys need more lessons along these lines. They were raised in a fairly clean, vacuumed, dusted environment but you would never know that to see their dorm rooms & apartments. This drives me bananas and I have been known to clean quickly & quietly undercover. What is with these boys? Now I supply each one with disposable, antibacterial wipes and tell them to dust every other week. I don't get it. They don't get me.
Definitely a generation gap.</p>

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<p>lol the Moundbuilders. Esp when the mound's got clean and dirty clothes all mixed in together.</p>

<p>Most memorable and disgusting mound from S's fraternity: the used Pizza Box Mound. First box sits on top of the trash can (in the bathroom of course), after all can't put a square box in a round hole. Then more boxes on top. They overflow onto sinks. Then the floor. And it grows from May till September.</p>

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<p>Goodness...I saw the segment. All I can say is, "Whoa!" It was hard to believe. Who has time to keep a planner for a college age child---much less 2! I can barely keep up with my OWN schedule! ;) And proof reading papers?!!! D's writing skills long surpassed mine! :)</p>

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<p>In the dorm I lived in, we had a maid who did our bed every day during the week and tidied up a bit. Ah, those were the days eh.</p>

<p>But to the point, I think the issue here is as parents we need to learn to let go. By college they are legally adults and we do them a disservice if we hover too much. When I helped DS move into his apartment the bathroom was "oh my God" look at that. But I would have never dreamed to clean it up. When DW dropped him off a few weeks ago it was evidently much better. Not great, but better.</p>

<p>I think the comments by the businessman were an indication of what can go wrong when we fail to let go.</p>

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<p>Well, the mids at the Naval Academy have Marine Colonel Fuquea as a "helicopter parent" but I am certain that his methods of getting rooms squared away is much different than the mom's in the piece on 20/20! Parents aren't even allowed in Bancroft Hall (the dorm which houses 4,000 mids) except for 2 occasions, Plebe Parent Weekend at the end of Plebe Summer (beginning of Freshman year) and Firstie Parent Weekend (beginning of Senior year). It was, not surprisingly, immaculate.</p>

<p>USNA does, definitely, build strong men and women, and the parents mostly support from a distance with MANY care packages! Of course, my last volley of care packages included a box of cleaning supplies (an offering to placate the Col.) a box of food (an offering the the physical training gods who allowed my son and all of his roommates to pass the PRT) and a down comforter (an offering to the Goddess of sleep, who visits mids with 20+ credit hours much too infrequently) so I guess that makes me overly involved, but if that is what I can do to make it more bearable, so be it! ;)</p>

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<p>momof1, it would be interesting to know if students at the military academies exercise their finely-honed cleaning and laundry skills when they come home to visit (and how nice for their parents if they do!).</p>

<p>I'm glad I missed the "20/20" piece. It sounds as if the show's producers have once again showcased a lunatic as being emblematic of a "growing national problem." The show has done several such parenting segments over the years. I remember one on extended nursing many years ago when the producers clearly beat the bushes to find the oldest nursing child in America and the reporter (Lynn Sher?) all but put her fingers down her throat to indicate her disgust. It's hard to take that kind of sensationalism seriously.</p>

<p>But I do wish I could hover a bit! My d is 900 miles away and in a dorm without a kitchen, so at least I don't have to worry about the board of health closing her quarters down. When we visited for Parents Weekend, her room looked pretty good. However, it's so small, and she has so much stuff, that her alternatives are either semi-order or absolute chaos.</p>

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<p>President Brodhead of Duke had something to say about this issue.</p>

<p>Durham, N.C. -- Men and women of the Duke class of 2009, in a minute I will welcome you, but first I have a word for your entourage, the loving supporters watching from the Page Auditorium and Reynolds Theater. Parents, I know this day’s feelings are complex. You are blessed to be the parents of youthful prodigies, and one of today’s emotions must be great and justified pride. Since in modern America the notion prevails that getting your kid into a selective college is the highest known parental attainment and possibly your mission on earth, you may also be feeling twinges of self-congratulation. And why not? Your kid goes to Duke! Your life’s work is done.</p>

<p>But a wiser part of us knows that parenthood was really about giving your children such nurture that some day they could step away from you and make it on their own, and today marks that day of separation and independence—an occasion for pride though also for pain. Now, modern life has developed powerful pain relievers for this crisis of separation. Through the miracle of cellphones and text messaging, you could be virtually there with your son and daughter every step of their Duke way, checking in if not masterminding their lives by remote control. Ring ring! Did you see your adviser yet? Ring ring! Did you tell your new teacher about that wonderful paper you wrote in high school? Ring ring! That girl across the hall looked nice; you should befriend her! Ring ring! Did you befriend her yet?</p>

<p>But as my mockery means to suggest, the tools that could keep you close could also defeat this moment’s purpose, for only by stepping away can you create the space in which your son or daughter’s independent self can emerge. So I will now reveal what’s really going on. We have locked all parents in the Reynolds Theater and Page Auditorium—marshalls, please bar the doors—and will proceed to search and strip you of all remote communications devices unless you agree to back off, a little, from your child’s new life. Am I harsh? Well, I’ll console you with this. If you’ll leave your child alone, they will miss you and possibly even grow to admire you—and your new relation as adult friends will be at least as pleasurable as the old one of control freak and irritable dependent. Is it a deal?</p>

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<p>I'd feel offended if spoken to by a college president in that tone. The problems of attachment betw some parents nd children are certainly not true for many others.He's truly belittling. Mine goes to the opposite extreme, and began his search for independence in HS. I think there is a happy midground.</p>

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<p>Me, too. S goes to Harvard, which has a poor reputation for advising, especially for freshman advising. But advising takes two: the advisor and advisee. Profs, proctors, and other members of the staff can throw out lure to students to come talk to them, but short of invading their rooms, there's not a great deal they can do if students do not go to them (would they be considered helicopter profs?). So I plead guilty to reminding my S to go talk to his profs, directors of undergraduates studies and others. I think colleges should thank parents who do so instead of mocking them.</p>

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<p>Marite, your S shares with you questions about courses, and opens himself for advice and prompting.
I don't have the feeling my S needs help talking to his profs or adviser. Being at such a small school, the interaction seems terrific. However, I do have to remind him to fix glasses (both pairs), make dental appointment, and let me know midyear dates to book a flight. I've nagged him to do these things before the academic year began. I still don't think my nagging makes me helicopter mom. That could easily be done with me showing up sat his dorm</p>

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<p>Like Frazzled said, these programs always find the extreme examples and spin them as representative.</p>

<p>I really don't care what condition my kid's dorm rooms are in. Wouldn't clean them if they begged/paid me, not that they would.</p>

<p>Like Marite says, I will ask my son from time to time if he's seen an advisor. His school is also one of those who do not come after the students; much less warm and fuzzy than most LACs, I think. But we wouldn't condemn a school for being more hands on, and a nudge from me (not that he goes, anyway), is pretty innocuous. </p>

<p>My two main jobs that I do for a living are advising, and teaching writing. I know a lot about both. My kids have both occasionally emailed me a draft, not to proofread, (that's their job) but to toss around ideas and get some feedback on what's working, what's not. It's the same thing as a writing center would do--but they trust my judgment more.</p>

<p>As far as social lives, I hear about them once in a while, but I try to avoid advice there, though my S did ask for suggestions for his gf's birthday present (his comment: "I can pick something out, but I have absolutely no idea of what's ugly and what's not." So apparently, choosing jewelry, etc, is clearly an area in which I have failed to teach him properly!)</p>

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<p>Bookworm:</p>

<p>When I was at Brandeis, a new prof was hired. He'd previously taught at Harvard. He told me he found the culture at both places to be like night and day. At Harvard, students practically never came to his office hours. At Brandeis, they were in his office all the time. I remember he wrote a piece for the student paper saying that while he appreciated the greater rapport between faculty and students at Brandeis, he was not sure he wanted to know the ins and outs of their romantic lives. :(
Anyway, I remind S to go to profs' office hours ("that's what they're for") but refrain from micromanaging his (non-existent) love-life. As for his dorm room, I will take his word that it is "quite neat, mom." I have no ambition of turning myself into an unpaid cleaning lady. And despite the fact that he lives within walking distance, he has so far not brought any laundry home.</p>

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<p>Marite, too funny. I don't think I'd relish advising students on their love lives. Not exactly on the lines of "applied physics or theoretical". If permitted, I'd be pleased to drop off cookies, a turkey or mac & cheese to son & roommates (now that no diners provided), but cleaning has never been my forte.
Garland; my S has a standard gift for all female friends--a book, which he has wrapped himself in comic strips pages. Looking for jewelry is a sign of seriousness</p>

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<p>S has advised us that his suite is overflowing with cookies. Several bags of Chips Ahoy, plus Care packages from parents, plus cookies from various other sources. However, he did appreciate the ramen noodles.;)</p>