Helicopter Moms- (take V) ABC News 20/20

<p>Did anyone see last night's ABC News 20/20 program on "Helicopter Moms"? I just caught the tail end of it. Here's the link to the article based on the show <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/2020/print?id=1237868%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://abcnews.go.com/2020/print?id=1237868&lt;/a>. They reference an advocates group of 12,000 parents of college students (won't post it here for fear of it being considered CC competition- but look in about the middle of the article). So, apparently 12,000 parents can't be wrong-- gee maybe we do have some right to have a bit of input into our $40,000/yr investment.
The media loves to pick and sensationalize the extreme cases, and in this article I have to agree they found a few choice extremes (e.g. one mom driving 2 hrs to her son's dorm to clean it up, do the dishes and the laundry twice a month!). I have no intention of calling and checking up with the administrators on my son's progress, or if he remembers to sort the whites from the darks when he does his laundry. But any school that sends me the message that parents are not welcome will quickly move to the bottom of son # 2's prospective list , by my choice-- not his.</p>

<p>Jym:</p>

<p>So if said mom were to pay DormAid for same services, would she still be a helicopter mom?<br>
I visited S1 at his college in the middle of the year (I had not driven him to school in Sept.) I was appalled at the general mess, especially in the communal bathroom. I spent much of my time cleaning--could not help myself. But I fled back in the other direction--home--, and stayed there until graduation day. I figured that between my occasional helicopter landings, S1 and flatmates would revert to type and I did not want to know.</p>

<p>Good question, Marite.
If we pay someone else to do the cleaning, then we are not overprotective, overinvolved moms, eh? You just happened to stumble into the pile o' college cr-p when you arrived for a visit-- the mom in this story drives up every other week with her cleaning gear in tow. (I am envisioning the old Carol Burnett Show cleaning lady outfit with the white cap, the apron, the bucket and the mop....) You high-tailed it outta there. I see a little difference. </p>

<p>My s. has stumbled upon the "new" (age-old) cleaning strategy-- clean up before the out-of-town girlfriend arrives. Now.. if she cleaned up their mess when she arrives.. she'd get a few brownie points in my book! :)</p>

<p>She would not, in my book. The mere news of impending arrival being enough to inspire a guy to clean? Terrific. How else are prospective husbands to be trained in the domestic arts? (said marite who learned to cook from prospective husband) :)</p>

<p>It's nice to see that by round #V Helicopter "Parent" has become Helicopter MOM !! Wonder if that username has been taken yet?</p>

<p>OK, since you brought it up... When we visited our S for parent's weekend one of the items we picked up at Walmart was a spray carpet cleaner which we used to remove a nasty (chicken soup) stain from my son's carpet. The helicopter(s) landed, then took off and flew away.</p>

<p>We = wife and I... I sprayed, she scrubbed, son read his email.</p>

<p>Y'know what? I visited my son during Family Weekend last week. He lives in a dorm where he has a kitchen on his floor and is expected to cook. He had already pleaded with me to buy his his own set of cooking stuff because the common items were "too gross", so I did, but then it turns out (as I found out for myself) the kichen itself is "too gross". And I mean, completely, disgustingly gross. There is NO WAY I would have ever cooked anything in there, I would just want to get out as fast as I could. Supposedly there is a student responsible for keeping it clean, but that's not happening. I spent 2.5 hours (with S's help) completely cleaning the gross, smelly, stinking kitchen so it could be used and washing about 10 dozen dishes and pots and pans. I thought of it as a community service project. One week later, it's already completely gross and disgusting again (I'm told by uninvolved observers). If I could, I would happily pay a service to come in and clean it every other week or so (every week?) but apparently that would be too invasive of me? I'm getting the hint that it would be "uncool" for someone who lived on the hall to agitate for a cleaner kitchen or to do something about getting it cleaned on a more regular basis. Believe me, though, there is no way I would ever have used that kitchen in the state it was in. And I do worry that my kid will not be eating right for the next four years.... so should I just shut up and say nothing? Let him use up the food budget I give him by the 15th of the month because he eats commercially bought prepared food and doesn't cook for himself? Should I call the house manager? My S was definitely uncomfortable about it, but won't risk becoming a pariah by saying anything. If they're going to be stubborn and not complain about each other, or do anything about it, yet I know it's disgusting, should I butt out, or say something? It's a dilemma....</p>

<p>Haven't read the above article yet, though, so maybe my comments are completely off-track, in which case... sorry!</p>

<p>Isn't an occasional visit for Parent's Weekend a cleaning weekend, as well? That's normal. What they were talking about are the parents who schedule it, bring food every week, etc., and call 5-6 times a day, everyday and want to know everything their child is doing, etc. I wonder - were they this same way when their kids were in HS? Perhaps they did it all for their kids, but my D, although an awesome young lady, and a typical CC achieving kid, didn't talk and tell me that much in a week, let alone everyday! That's not to say that I didn't know what she was doing, I did, but she was so busy and had so much studying, that hourly or bi-hourly reports were impossible! Now don't get me wrong, during mid-semester break, I had my D call me to tell me when she arrived in Boston, when she got on the bus to return, etc., but that was because she was travelling alone. I know she is studying and meeting friends, but don't think hourly reports are appropriate. This is the time for our children to learn to become more independent, and unless they are in danger it's time for them to learn to do some thing son their own.</p>

<p>I saw the program and it had some good points, taken to heart by me (not a helicopter parent, but definitely a mom who is missing the everyday contact with my S). The segment (by using some extreme examples) pointed out that kids need the space to make their own decisions and to learn to shoulder their own responsibilities and we are doing them no favor by constantly monitoring them etc. This program helped me put things in perspective a bit. (I hope I can maintain that perspective!)</p>

<p>I saw the tail end of the program too......wow, I just can't believe some kids (apparently many) have their own mom/dad-secretaries, as they describe, with multiple wake up calls every morning and daily schedule management. I'm all for sponsoring cleaning services and ocassional support, but I hope I never ever come close to those every-moment-of-the-waking-day helicopter behaviors described in the show, for my kid's sake.</p>

<p>Why in the world would you clean up!? That is their job! My son is soo happy to be working a job during school and he knows his room needs work too. Let him do it. When will they ever learn to take care of themselves if not now.</p>

<p>P.S. I do not plan on visiting his school. It is his space totally and not mine.</p>

<p>mootmom-
Your comments are complete ON track. No need to apologize. I am assuming your s's school has multiple mealplans, and he is on one that requires several "meals on your own". Isn't there a basic state/county health code standard that the kitchen would have to meet? I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect some basic level of functional utility, even if it is expected to be kept "clean" by a bunch of college kids. Does the dorm have any sort of student government? Where would he go with any other dorm-related (maintenance and/or non-maintenance) problems or issues? I understand the delicacy of not wanting to be a whiner, but if the kitchen is essentially unusable because it is completely nasty, then there should be some recourse..... I guess it depends on the school. Is there a house parent or RA on the floor who would be the one to intervene above and beyond the routinely ignored "clean up after yourself" signs that are usually posted in communal kitchens. Sometimes a little reverse psychology works. For example, maybe they can organize a community study break or dinner for the folks sharing the kitchen- and to ask everyone attending to cook something to bring to the event. Then either they'll realize how nasty it is, or they can all be in the kitchen at the same time cooking and someone can politely suggest that they all clean up together. Well.. its a thought...</p>

<p>NJres-
Your chicken soup story reminded me of a college kitchen experience (and by the way, I hope your s. was writing you a thank-you email as he sat at his computer while you 2 cleaned!!!). Anyway- when I was in college they had just built some community dorm kitchens, but the dorm wiring was too antiquated at the time to allow us to have fridges in our rooms. Hence, there was a community fridge in the kitchen. I came back to school after one brief break not feeling too well, so I brought back some homemade chicken soup. Well, as you can imagine, the problem with comunity fridges is that people take stuff. In order to keep people from helping themselves to my soup, I labelled it "urine specimen" and no one touched it!! :eek:</p>

<p>Marite-
I think you might have misunderstood my comment about my s's girlfriend. Let me rephrase it. I am not at all implying that I would want my son's girfriend to be a handmaiden, cleaning up after him. Quite the contrary. While she doesn't have to be an "I am woman, hear me roar" feminist, I would much prefer he have a girlfriend who is not above getting her hands dirty than one who is a bit of a princess and shreiks "eweee" if she sees some things that need some cleaning. If she is the type who can say "hey, lets get this stuff put away" and she dives right in with him (and his roommates), then she is getting those brownie points in my book. Besides, she happens to attend a school that is the arch-rival of my grad school, so I am really trying to like her and overlook her bad judgement in universities :)</p>

<p>I've always known that, upon giving birth, I would be a parent for the rest of my life, but that never meant I would be their servant. Sounds like the mothers interviewed need to get a clue as to what being a "parent" is all about, and how it changes when the child is no longer a child. And, for that matter, WHEN the child is no longer a child.</p>

<p>Mootmom, LOL! Personally, though, I find bathrooms in that condition to be much more revolting than kitchens. At least you can throw out the really disgusting, moldy, experimental antibiotic specimens glued to the saucepans. You can't throw out the shower stall :D!</p>

<p>wyogal, correct me if i'm wrong, but I believe our kids school does provide cleaning. Unfortnately, S's room so messy they can't get in to clean. At least bathrooms and kitchen might not be as gross.
I truly don't have a solution. I tried my best to raise clean, responsible (meaning they don't keep losing keys and credit cards) kids, an insisted they cook and clean and do own laundry thru HS, but once at college, they revert to primitive beings.
I do agree that RAs should take active part in organizing clean-ups</p>

<p>I can only imagine what my S's dorm must look like. When we go visit him, I think I will just meet him outside. I'd rather remember the room the way we left it on the day we dropped him off. The bed was nicely made up (by me), his things were in neat stacks on his desk and the floor and common room were clean. I really, really don't want to picture what they look like now (or smell like). It was bad enough while he was home, and like Mootmom, I wouldn't be able to resist tidying up.</p>

<p>jym:</p>

<p>Got it! Thanks for the clarification.</p>

<p>I think it's time to resurrect the Platers and Moundbuilders thread, don't you folks agree? Anyone game to dig into CC archives. They are not reverting to type, they're becoming the Platers and Moundbuilders they were always meant to be but were prevented from being by parentall vigilance and nagging. At least, we can hope that it's only a phase.</p>

<p>I am going to have to say that I must have been too much a helicopter mom when S1 was still home . . .I pretty much HAD to do any cleaning of S's room if I even wanted to get a vacuum safely in (and out) of there. However, upon going to visit on Parent's Weekend, I discovered that I could actually SEE the carpet, and the mess was minor. I trust my son not to have been embarrassed if he had been surrounded by mess, (he sure never let it bother him before,) so he did not clean it up for my arrival. I think he just respects his roomies desire for some neatness. Stunning. I had nothing to hover over.</p>

<p>Okay, gotta fess up. I still worry.</p>

<p>well I saw the show. That woman has some serious problems. Cleaning the kid's room was the least objectionable thing this lady did. She's the extreme and I hope that was the show's point: there are more and more helicopter parents (partly because of technology) but in a worst case scenario you have this out of control monster who hopefully is one in a million.</p>

<p>2 boys in college...not only did she know their schedules and where they should be almost by the minute, she knew what homework assignments they had, when upcoming quizzes and tests were, and made sure all was in order to her liking. Disturbingly, she corrected their essay assignments. Constant phone contact a number of times a day. Did their shopping for them, went to the dorm every 2 weeks to do their laundry there. These kids seemed appreciative (they were home-schooled...surprise), I'd like to know what they really think.</p>

<p>Much to my surprise, my D and her roommate actually vacuum their rug! I didn't know she knew what a vacuum was, much less how to use one.</p>

<p>If I went to DS' dorm room on a bi-weekly basis for <em>any</em> purpose whatsoever, I expect he would soon be exchanging said dorm room for a prison cell. Or maybe he would escape the murder sentence by pleading Not Guilty Due To Temporary Insanity. :eek:</p>